‘How am I different? That was me,’ Anna flung her arm towards Mads’ bedroom. ‘That will probably be me again. It’s been six years and I still crave it for fuck’s sake.’ How could Jeanette not see that all users were the same? But Jeanette stepped towards Anna again and placed both of her hands firmly on Anna’s shoulders.
‘No,’ she said, her voice clear. ‘That will not be you. You are entirely different, Anna. You are strong and you will survive your cravings. Not all users go back. I have worked with women who used for longer than you, were in even more trouble, and they recovered. They turned their lives around and never went back. I know some do, Mads is one of them, but some don’t. You won’t.’ Jeanette’s eyes were watery, her lips trembled as she spoke. She truly wanted Anna to succeed. Anna took a deep, shaky breath and nodded.
It was almost midnight by the time Anna was finally alone with the crystal. While Anna felt bad for unleashing on Jeanette her fear of using again, she also felt the mildest sense of relief in sharing her worry. She had felt lighter when she hugged Jeanette goodbye. Jeanette had faith in her and Anna would try her best not to let her down.
She sat on her bed and unwrapped the sarong carefully. Even away from the candlelight and incense burning, there was something undeniably magical about this rock. Anna ran her fingertips along the edges, stopping on a sharper point and pressing down. She imagined the woman she’d seen doing the same thing when she’d first found the crystal. Touching these exact spots, marvelling in the same way.
‘What happened to you?’ Anna whispered. A chill ran down Anna’s back and a wave of exhaustion overcame her. Perhaps that was enough for today. Anna wrapped the crystal carefully. She kept it beside her as she curled up under her blankets, falling asleep quickly.
QUARRENDON VILLAGE, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE ENGLAND 1770
‘Breathe, one, two, three.’ As the women sat in a small circle and breathed deeply together, Aisleen felt whole for the first time since she’d been taken from her family. Her sister, Mary, held her right hand firmly. On her left, she held the hand of her childhood friend, Eliza. Their warm skin made her own feel alive.
‘My sisters,’ Aisleen whispered as she looked around at the four other women. Sitting on the other side of Eliza was the sales assistant from the material store, Amelia. Between Mary and Amelia sat Maeve, an older woman who had once been their school-teacher. Mary had managed to whisper the meeting instructions to Maeve when their paths crossed in town. Although Aisleen had first imagined a much larger gathering of women, she knew this small circle was the perfect start.
Each woman’s eyes were on Aisleen, filled with a combination of fear, curiosity and hope shining in the dark. Simply sitting together in this small circle and holding hands felt like a miracle. They were gathered in the old barn right at the back of Mary’s property. Aisleen had decided this would be the safest place to meet. Her childhood home was very close to the centre of the village, yet its expansive property backed onto a large woodland. Their grandfather had built the barn at the very back of the property as a brewing house for the once illegal ale. Aisleen and Mary had played in and around the empty barn when they were little, pretending it was an abandoned home filled with haunting spirits. Their mother had always laughed at this game in particular, pondering where they got their imagination. Mary told Aisleen that the barn remained empty, as her husband Matthew deemed it too far from the other working sheds to be practical. Aisleen knew she could get to the barn without walking on any roads; she could enter the woods from the back of her own property, a few miles away.
‘Thank you so much for being brave enough to come here tonight. Alone, we have only our own strength. But together, we have a combined strength.’ Aisleen squeezed Mary’s and Eliza’s hands and imagined light travelling through the entire group, protecting them.
‘What are you planning, Aisleen?’ Maeve asked, her voice defiant, as though she was ready to wage a war on the Enforcers.
‘For us to continue to meet every Friday evening. To sit here together and talk, share our stories like we used to. To heal our wounds by being together.’ The women nodded, all looking relieved that this was the extent of the gathering.
All except for Maeve, whose face fell. ‘I thought you would have some kind of plan that we could …’ Maeve’s voice drifted; she knew the impossibility of her words already.
‘Maeve, I really believe that by us being together we are building our power. We are silently defying the rules, keeping ourselves safe, but doing things our way for the first time in six years. It’s enough … for now.’ This reference to a future plan seemed to appease Maeve and she smiled, the wrinkles deepening around her mouth as she nodded.
‘Yes. You’re right. We’ll take it slowly.’
‘We will,’ Aisleen agreed. ‘I know we’re going to create change.’ Aisleen gestured towards the crystal in the centre of the circle. The crystal glowed from within, creating a halo of light around it.
‘When I found this in my field, I knew that it would help me change things. I didn’t know how, but I trusted that feeling. And then I worked up the courage to visit Mary.’ Aisleen turned to her sister, still finding it hard to believe they were together for the second time in a week. ‘And then Mary and I found the courage to pass on the message to all of you, and you were all brave enough to come here, with no information at all.’ A tangible buzz moved through the group as they revelled in their boldness.
The women sat together for a few glorious hours, speaking hurriedly at first, trying to cram in as much information as possible in what they knew was a limited time. Amelia and Eliza had little worry that their husbands would notice they were gone. They were both part of the same group of men that played card games long into the night every Friday, so as long as Amelia and Eliza returned before midnight, they felt safe. Mary assured Aisleen that like Joseph, Matthew was a deep sleeper with no tendency to wake up and worry. And as a widow, Maeve only had to concern herself with ensuring her neighbours didn’t see her leave or return. Slowly, the women relaxed and their conversation developed an easy rhythm. Aisleen felt the most like herself she had in a long time, listening to the women recount their day-to-day life, even laughing at the expense of the Enforcers and their ridiculous uniforms.
‘Who designed them? Really. Red trousers with those horrid black woollen coats. Wearing them even in the summer! They look so stupid!’ said Amelia. Her husband, Marcus, had been forced to make the uniforms. Aisleen was surprised to learn that he was far kinder than he appeared. Amelia told them he acted unpleasant in public to ensure the Enforcers left them alone. Marcus and Amelia already had too much to do with the regime, supplying the material for Enforcer uniforms; he didn’t want the regime becoming aware of his private opinions that likened the Enforcers to pigs.
‘Except pigs don’t sweat or smell as bad!’ Mary said and they all laughed.
‘Well, he has a way of getting to them,’ Amelia confided, her eyebrows raised in amusement. ‘He uses the cheapest materials we have, material that doesn’t breathe and scratches their skin, causing chaffing. When they come to complain, Marcus shakes his head and tells them the material is especially expensive, the best from his last imported shipment before the Floods, but it doesn’t suit everyone. Instead of switching to what they think would be cheaper material and being more comfortable, they choose to keep suffering, believing they are using the best! Idiots!’ The women laughed at the ridiculousness of the group of men who had managed to take over their village.
When they calmed down, Mary let go of Aisleen’s hand and stretched, moaning a little. ‘I think I should go. I’m sore from sitting for so long and it must be getting close to midnight.’
Mary’s comments quickly brought the women back to reality, and they all hurriedly stood up and dusted the dirt from their clothes.
‘Sisters, thank you so much for coming tonight, and for being brave enough. I can’t explain how much it has filled my heart.’ Aisleen knew from their grins that
the other women felt the same.
‘If it is safe for you to do so, please come again next Friday, and every Friday after that. Let’s strengthen each other and who knows where that will lead …’
Aisleen took her time to hug each woman as they left, instructing them to take care. She said goodbye to Mary last. The sisters hugged for a long time.
‘See you next week,’ Aisleen said when they finally parted.
She entered the woods to make her way home, feeling as though she was floating.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ANNA’S MIND DRIFTED between the realms of sleep and reality. She felt a weight cradled in her arms. A baby. She opened her eyes, almost laughing at her absurd thought. Why would there be a baby in her arms? Anna sat up and leaned against her bedroom wall, the crystal on her lap. Of all the dreams she’d had since she’d been out, this was her strangest one yet. It hadn’t felt like a dream at all, more like she’d jumped into the middle of a movie about a strange world where all the women were prisoners. Anna rubbed her face, trying to shake the feeling of being in another time and place. She ran her finger over the crystal’s surface slowly, wondering if it really was the same one. Had this woman really existed and if she had, when had she lived? What kind of time was that when the women were treated as animals? Any answer Anna conjured made no sense. But she still had a week with the crystal. Maybe more answers would come to her. Or maybe she would realise it was all in her imagination. Anna wrapped the crystal in the sarong, slid it under her bed and headed to the kitchen for breakfast.
For the second morning in a row, all three of her housemates were in the kitchen. Anna’s heart sank and she hoped this wouldn’t become a routine. Sako was sitting at the bench, eating a strong-smelling soup. Beside her, Mads was eating Coco Pops straight from the box. She looked far more alive than the night before; there was even a little colour in her cheeks. Talia was at the sink washing her breakfast dishes. She was the only one to acknowledge Anna.
‘Morning,’ she said and nodded to her.
‘Hey.’ Anna made herself a bowl of cereal and an instant coffee and carried it to the living room to sit on the couch, not wanting to risk another fight with Mads. She wondered if cartoons were still aired on the television on Saturday mornings. When she’d first moved to Australia she’d enjoyed watching shows made for kids in the mornings; there was something comforting about the bright colours and enthusiastic voices. The cartoon with the weird sponge that lived in the ocean had been her favourite. Just as she’d found a brightly animated show and settled in to eat, there was shouting from the kitchen. Anna turned the volume down and listened.
‘No parties.’ Talia’s voice was the firmest she’d heard it.
‘Says who?’
‘Says the rules we have to live by if we want to stay here.’
‘I don’t care. I’m having it; it’s my birthday and I want some friends over, so fuck the rules.’ Mads’ voice was whiny and high-pitched. Anna felt like punching her again, even from this distance.
‘No, fuck you.’
‘Calm down,’ Sako jumped in. ‘Mads, how many people are coming?’
‘Just like ten or something. It’s seriously gonna be small.’
‘Just let her, Tal. If she messes up the house, it’s on her. You hear that Mads, it will be all on you. I’m out tonight. Talia, you working?’
‘Yeah.’
‘There. So it’s on you.’
Anna’s blood boiled. She jumped up, spilling milk from her cereal bowl and marched to the kitchen. ‘I’ll be here and it won’t be on me, I’m not willing to lose my placement here.’
Mads rolled her eyes so far all Anna could see were the whites of her eyes. Anna clenched her fist as she imagined punching her, a lot harder than last time, off the stool she was sitting on.
‘Relax. It’s a small party. For god’s sake you’re all a bunch of ballbreakers.’ Mads stood up and walked past Anna, bumping Anna with her shoulder. Anna spun around and pulled her hair. Mads screeched like a wild animal, lunging at Anna, nails out, scratching at her arms. Anna punched her once, hard in the stomach, which was enough for Mads to fall back, arms wrapping around her own waist, gasping for breath.
‘Enough!’ roared Talia. ‘Anna, I already told you, there’s no fighting here.’
Anna struggled to control her breathing. She was ashamed at lashing out again, but Mads was infuriating and she couldn’t control herself. She half nodded, shrugging her shoulders.
Sako stood up. ‘I don’t care what happens, as long as the house is still standing when I get home.’ She pushed her bowl away and walked past Mads, who was still writhing on the floor. ‘And keep your junkie friends out of my room,’ she shouted over her shoulder before slamming her door. Mads stood up slowly.
‘Stay away from me,’ she hissed at Anna and then went to her own bedroom.
Anna turned to Talia. ‘What happens if there’s a party here?’
Talia shook her head. ‘Dunno. It’s not really about the house; it’s her parole conditions. She’s done if she gets caught.’
The front door had opened only a couple of times but it sounded like there was a small crowd in the house. From her bedroom, Anna could hear mainly guys’ voices. She could hear maybe one or two other girls, besides Mads’ annoying voice, which dominated. She sounded like one of the worst kinds of girls Anna had known in jail. Girls that talked themselves up constantly.
Anna tried to tune out Mads and her friends by listening to music through her earphones. She considered going out. But where would she have gone? She didn’t have any friends to hang out with. And if she went out by herself, there was always the chance she’d weaken. She almost called Brayden to see if he wanted her to do an extra shift but then felt like too much of a loser. Her phone beeped.
Hope you’re having a great weekend, Anna. Remember you have a meeting with your parole officer on Tuesday. He’ll be expecting you at your local station. I’ll be thinking of you and know you’ll do amazing. Xo
Anna’s stomach dropped. Jeanette had given her the details last week about the meeting, but Anna had forgotten about it. She was pretty sure that locking herself in her room while a party took place in the house couldn’t be considered breaking any conditions of her parole. For a moment, Anna wondered if she should tell Jeanette about the party. But she’d probably be so worried that she’d come straight over and try to talk Mads into sending everyone home. Anna decided not to. Mads was an adult; she didn’t need Jeanette running around after her trying to protect her from all of her dumb decisions.
Thanks, Anna finally wrote back and turned up the volume on her earphones.
Just as she thought she might fall asleep, Anna smelled the familiar burnt-plastic fumes. Her mind left her body and she was back there.
Anna shivered as she paced the derelict room, tripping over a putrid mattress. She remained on the cold, dusty floor where she’d landed, pulling her knees close to her body and hugging them tightly. Why was Jake taking so long? He’d promised her he would be an hour at the most. She hated it when he left her alone in this place. Strange people came and went, glaring, ready to pounce at her. Anna placed her head on her knees and began counting, hoping Jake would come back soon.
‘Hey.’ A soft voice roused her from her sleep. Anna sat up, sore from sleeping on the ground. Before she even had to ask, Jake held the spoon out, lighter beneath it as the ice melted into a syrupy liquid. He grinned at her and she breathed him in as he drew the liquid into the syringe.
No. I’m not there. I’m here. Anna sat up in bed, leaned against the wall and breathed heavily, the duality of still loving and hating Jake filling her with rage. She yanked out her earphones, jumped off the bed and stormed from her room. Mads’ party was gathered in the living room – a group of greasy, loud, barely-adults huddled together over the stuff. Mads only noticed her when Anna pulled her back from the group by the shoulder.
‘Tell everyone to get out,’ Anna demanded.
Mads’ face broke out into an ugly grin. ‘Yeah, okay.’ She shoved Anna and went back to the group. This time, Anna pushed two guys out of the way, breaking through the small circle.
‘Take your junk and get out,’ she shouted, ignoring the laughter that erupted.
‘Who are you?’ asked a skinny guy with bad skin.
‘I live here, get out.’
‘Piss off, Anna.’ Mads was in her face and Anna noticed her dilated pupils and red cheeks. Anna pushed her aside and started screaming in Spanish and yanking on their jackets, pushing and kicking them towards the front door.
‘Salgan de acqui conche tu madre, andate a la chucha.’ Swearwords spewed from her mouth like lava.
One guy smacked Anna across the face, her cheek stinging for a second before she gathered herself and punched him right back as hard as she could in his jaw. The room erupted in laughter as the guy staggered from the house jeered by the other guys on his way out.
‘You crazy bitch!’ Mads shouted, but she stumbled out after her amused friends.
Filled with adrenaline, Anna checked the room for any drugs, flinging cushions from the couch, getting down on her hands and knees to check under the furniture. But they’d taken it with them. The smell of it lingered and Anna ached for it.
‘Fuck!’ Anna screamed and kicked the wall, her foot going right through the plasterboard. She tried to control her breathing. Would her whole life be like this? One whiff of it and her body betraying her, wanting it despite the ruin it had caused her? Anna leaned against the wall, aware again that she was breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. You’re different. You’re strong. Anna thought of Jeanette’s words. She let out a sigh and walked slowly back to her room. Anna reached under her bed and unwrapped the crystal. She held it tightly in her hands, needing it to fix her. Would she ever stop craving?
CHAPTER TWELVE
BEFORE
THE CHURCH ORGAN droned on, holding each note for too long as an out-of-time choir attempted to keep up with Amazing Grace. Anna was sitting in the front row of the church, beside Tia Sofia and her husband Tio Manuel. She was aware of Sofia’s shaky breaths, the quiet sobs she was trying to hold in as she wiped at her cheeks. Behind her, the church was filled with all of the people who had known Tita – neighbours, old friends from church, distant relatives. But despite knowing all of this, Anna didn’t feel like she was really there. She didn’t feel sad or angry; she didn’t feel anything.
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