A gentle nudge from Sofia broke Anna’s incoherent thoughts and she stood up like everybody else, watching as her grandmother’s coffin, adorned with an extravagant arrangement of flowers, was carried out of the church by second cousins she barely knew. Sofia grabbed her hand and they walked together from the church, accepting hugs and kisses from the congregation all the way to the nearby cemetery. As she stood in the misty rain, watching soil sprinkled upon her grandmother’s coffin, Anna remembered throwing herself onto her mother’s coffin seven years ago. Tita had taken hold of her, clutching her to her chest, whispering soft but firm words of comfort in her ear.
‘I have you, nanita, I have you and I won’t let you go. You will never be alone.’
Anna’s knees weakened as she realised that Tita was gone. Sofia hugged her close, telling her that Tita was at peace now, that she was in a better place with Mama and they had to be strong. But all Anna could hear were her last words to Tita.
‘I hate you and I can’t wait to move away from you.’ She had hissed the words when Tita had forbidden her to sleep at a friend’s home. Anna had gone anyway, shouting that she was seventeen and could do whatever she wanted. When she returned the following evening, Anna had found Tita still in her nightgown, tucked up in bed, a pained expression on her face. The doctor had said she died peacefully in her sleep from heart failure and that it was the best way for a woman of eighty-two to pass. But Anna had seen her face, the way her eyes were screwed up, the deep lines around her mouth twisted in unseen pain. Anna’s words and tantrums had worn her out. Tita had died angry, hurt and alone because of her.
Afterwards, Tita’s house filled with the same group of people who had been at the church. The neighbours brought plates of cakes, biscuits, empanadas and sandwiches, passing them around with the authority of people who belonged. Tia Sofia and Tio Manuel organised the drinks, pouring cups of tea and coffee and juice, chatting easily about the service and how wonderful Tita had been, what a strong woman, blessed to live so long and now be reunited with her daughter in heaven. Anna stood in the corner of the room, feeling like an outcast. She may as well have the word ‘murderer’ tattooed across her forehead. The many sideways glances aimed in her direction affirmed to Anna what she already knew: Tita should never have been burdened with a wild teenage granddaughter at her age. That’s what sent her to the grave.
‘Do you smoke?’ A husky voice broke through Anna’s thoughts and she looked up to see a second cousin, she couldn’t remember his name, standing beside her with his eyebrows raised.
‘What?’
‘Do you smoke? Want to go outside and find somewhere to smoke?’ he asked, shrugging his shoulders.
‘Yeah, all right,’ Anna agreed, preferring to be outside than trapped in this room, suffocating with guilt. She took off towards the back door, the cousin trailing her. She settled in her regular smoking spot at the side of the house, sitting on a large rock that had been left there. She pulled a cigarette packet and lighter from inside her boot and lit up, then passed both to the cousin.
He grinned and dragged heavily. ‘Thanks.’
Anna shrugged.
‘It sucks about your Tita dying. Like, I know your mum is dead too. That really sucks, I’m sorry,’ he said between puffs.
‘Yeah. Well, that’s life, que sera …’
‘Que sera, sera. True. So where will you live now?’
Anna took another long drag, the nicotine easing the tension between her eyebrows. She shrugged her shoulders again.
‘How old are you? Like eighteen or something?’
‘Seventeen.’
He nodded, letting the smoke come out of his nose. ‘Yeah, you could live by yourself now. I moved out when I was seventeen, got a job at Macito’s, you know the big restaurant right in the city? Started as a waiter, now I’m training as a chef. Best thing I did, leaving home.’ He stubbed out his cigarette on the rock, letting it fall to the ground as he stood. ‘You’ll be all right, but if you need a job or anything like that, come see me at Macito’s, they’re always hiring. Later.’ The cousin wandered back to the house and Anna considered his words. She was free now, she supposed. She had screamed at Tita so many times that all she wanted was to be free. She had so desperately yearned to make her own decisions. And now she could. So why didn’t it feel good?
Anna stubbed out her own cigarette, keeping it in her hand while she picked up the other one from the ground. Tita would roll over in her fresh grave if she saw cigarette butts in her yard. At that thought, Anna’s grief hit so hard that she had to sit down and cover her mouth to keep the sobs inside. Why had she been such a bitch to Tita? Her grandmother had been strict and overbearing, but she had also been there for her every day since her mama had died, just like she’d promised. She’d never left Anna alone. Until now.
Anna was lying on the sofa in the sitting room of Tita’s house, her head on Sofia’s lap. The last round of visitors had finally left and Anna was enjoying the peace of not having to pretend to be interested in conversations. It had been an exhausting week since the funeral, with visitors continuing to drop by all hours of the day to bring food and stay for cups of tea. Sofia was stroking her hair, just as Mama had done when she was little, and they remained in comfortable silence until Tio Manuel entered the room and sat on the opposite sofa. Even though Anna’s eyes were only half open she could tell by the way he was sitting so stiffly that something was wrong. He cleared his throat and Anna sat up, just in time to catch Sofia shaking her head at him.
‘What is it?’ Anna asked, looking from one to the other, her heart hammering.
‘Nothing, it’s late. Manny, it’s time for bed, I think,’ Sofia said, slightly narrowing her eyes at her husband. But he sat a little taller and lifted his chin.
Anna looked directly at him. ‘What is it?’ she demanded, leaning on the edge of the couch, ready for … what, exactly? To run, to scream? She needed to know what he was going to say. Sofia sighed and leaned back, defeated. Manuel cleared his throat.
‘Anna, you know Tia Sofia and I, we love you and we are here for you, always. We are your familia and always will be.’ Anna glanced at Sofia. She looked a little paler than usual. Was she sick?
‘Yeah. I know, thank you,’ Anna finally said. ‘But what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ Sofia said loudly, talking over the top of Manuel. ‘Tio is just, well, he’s a planner and even though it’s far,’ she paused and glared at him, ‘far too soon to be talking about this, he’s trying to bring up the conversation of what will happen now …’ Sofia looked down.
‘To me, do you mean? As in, where I will live?’
‘Yes. But we don’t need to talk about it tonight. It’s so late and it’s been another big day. Unless … do you, want to talk about it? Do you have an idea of where you’d like to live?’ Sofia’s forced casual tone was betrayed by the strange look in her eyes; she was anxious about Anna’s answer.
Anna shrugged her shoulders. ‘I thought maybe I could keep living here?’ Anna had thought about it. Sofia and Manuel had been staying with her for the past week, both having taken time off work. But Anna knew it wouldn’t be a permanent situation; they would have to return to their city home soon as it was too far a commute from here. Anna had imagined as she lay awake in bed, long after Sofia and Manuel had fallen asleep, that she was alone. The regular creaks in the walls and the distant sounds of sirens didn’t frighten her. They felt familiar and she knew she would be all right once her aunty and uncle left. If she needed anything, she had a dozen neighbours to choose from to ask for help. She would be fine. Anna noticed Sofia and Manuel exchange a glance and thought they probably needed more convincing. She sat back on the couch, relaxed her shoulders.
‘I would definitely like to stay here, I mean. I will be fine by myself, I’m eighteen in a few months and school is finished now. I can get a job …’ Anna had received fairly good marks for her leaving exam the month before. Despite ditching school regularly and barely studying
, she managed to complete all of her exams and found that most of the answers came to her easily. Surely with her intelligence, she’d find a job?
‘What kind of job would you get?’ Manuel asked, his hands clasped together.
‘I don’t know. Something.’ Manuel raised his eyebrows at Sofia and Anna felt her aunty tense beside her.
‘You don’t think I can get a job?’ Anna accused.
‘Of course we do,’ Sofia jumped in at the same time Manuel said, ‘Not a very good one, no.’
Anna rolled her eyes. ‘Thanks a lot,’ she mumbled.
Manuel’s chest puffed out slightly. ‘That’s why, Anna. Your attitude stinks. I’m sorry Sofia, but she needs to hear it. You’re one of the smartest kids I’ve met, but you put no effort into anything; you just sit around all day doing nothing. Anna, that’s not how you succeed in the real world. You need more than brains, you need to work hard.’
‘Manuel,’ Sofia warned. ‘Ease up, it’s too soon for this.’ Sofia turned to Anna. ‘You can stay here, Anna, while you figure out what you’d like to do. Perhaps you could study? Your results are good enough for university.’
‘Maybe,’ Anna muttered, not meeting her eyes.
‘Manuel and I have to move back home in a couple of days, but I will visit on the weekends, just like I used to. And you can visit us too? You could live with us if you wanted to?’
Anna didn’t miss the snort from Manuel. She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘I’ll be fine here, thanks Tia.’
Sofia nodded. ‘All right, well that’s probably enough of a conversation for tonight. We can organise all the details tomorrow and help you make some more decisions.’ Sofia stood up, but Manuel raised his hand.
‘Wait. I’m going to say what we planned to say, Sofia, even if you’re going to chicken out.’ Sofia tried to protest, but Manuel shushed her and continued speaking. ‘Anna, Tita left the house to Sofia. If we sell it, we will have enough money to pay off our mortgage. Enough for Sofia to stop working once she has the baby.’ Sofia moved her hand to her stomach and Anna wondered how she hadn’t noticed how round her belly had become. Why didn’t her aunty tell her she was pregnant?
‘I only found out a few weeks ago,’ Sofia explained, watching Anna’s gaze on her stomach. ‘I was planning to tell Mama and you …’ Sofia’s voice broke.
‘It would give us an incredible head start. We would give you a fair share too, of course, Anna. This was your home as well and we’ll help you get yourself set up somewhere else.’
‘Or you could come live with us first, until you’re a little older,’ Sofia tried again, but her offer was half-hearted and the way Manuel stiffened at her words told Anna everything she needed to know.
The room was spinning and just when Anna thought that her head might explode, Manuel spoke again.
‘I actually have another idea.’ He spoke slowly as though he were much older and wiser than his thirty-five years. ‘Your English is impeccable, Anna, everyone agrees with that. You have a talent for the language and with your high examination marks, you’re a perfect candidate for a study visa in America or Canada. My younger brother went to Canada for two years and came back with such a strong résumé that he got a job within a week of returning. Why don’t you apply to study overseas? Travel around, find yourself, find that work ethic I’m sure is hidden within you somewhere.’
Manuel’s voice had risen, so that by the time he finished his spiel, the silence in the room rang in Anna’s ears. She looked from him to Sofia, wondering if she knew them at all. They wanted her gone, so they could … what? Sell off Tita’s house and claim her money as their own? She stared into Sofia’s eyes, which were full of tears. What would Mama have said if she were here? What would Tita think of her house being sold off like this? Her granddaughter shipped off to another country?
‘Anna,’ Sofia said, her voice watery as she reached out for her. But Anna pulled away, standing.
‘You can have the house, I don’t care. I don’t care about either of you,’ was all Anna could think of to say. She walked slowly to her bedroom, ignoring Sofia’s calls to her. She shut the door behind her and lay down on her bed, curling up in a ball and letting the tears that had been threatening for so long finally release. She cried until her face and throat ached.
Afterwards, she wiped her eyes and searched through her untidy drawers for something on which to write. She found an old homework book, the cover torn and graffitied, and a pen with a chewed lid. Anna sat on her bed, ready to start making some plans. As much as she didn’t want to agree with anything Manuel had said, she knew her English was a strong asset. Maybe it would be a good idea to move somewhere new and start over. She was alone now and always would be, so it was time to take control of her life and do something worthwhile.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
FROM THE HALLWAY, Anna could see Talia on her hands and knees inspecting the hole in the living room wall.
‘Someone did it,’ Talia said, getting up.
‘It was probably Anna. She went psycho, like legit psycho,’ whined Mads from the couch.
‘Whatever. You need to fix it.’ Talia left Mads to screech about the unfairness of it and nodded at Anna as she walked past, on her way to the kitchen. Anna followed her in.
‘It was me,’ Anna said, pulling out a stool and sitting down. ‘I kicked them out for having drugs here and I got carried away.’
Talia shrugged as she filled a glass with water. ‘Still her fault for having a party.’
Anna smiled at her. ‘Yeah. Okay, thanks.’
They remained silent as Talia drank her water and Anna looked around. She had no idea what to do today. It was sunny outside and she supposed she should try to get out of the house, but where would she go? The beach, maybe. But she didn’t have swimmers or a towel. She could just catch the bus to Bondi and walk around, not swim.
‘Hey, I’m gonna go watch my cuz play a game of footy. Wanna come?’ Talia asked.
Anna guessed she was talking about rugby, not soccer. She’d never seen a game and it beat wandering around by herself.
‘Sure.’
The football field was only a short walk away. The loud traffic made the silence between Anna and Talia as they walked comfortable. When they arrived, Talia headed straight for a large group of people set up by one of the sidelines.
‘Tals, what’s up?’ said a man at least double the size of Talia and dressed in a well-worn football jersey. He placed his arm around Talia’s shoulders and kissed the top of her head. The rest of the group called out their greetings, some hugging her, others fist bumping with her, all smiling. Anna couldn’t help but stare at the way they all seemed so happy to see her. If Talia had this much family, why was she living in a boarding house, instead of with them?
‘Guys, this is my mate, Anna.’
The group greeted her, some with a nod and smile, others calling out hello.
‘Hi.’ Anna shifted from one foot to the other, wishing she wasn’t standing here in this sunny field with this strangely normal family. The group made room for Talia and Anna to sit down on the woven mats they’d laid down on the grass. Anna sat stiffly on the edge of one and looked out at the game of massive teenagers charging at each other and throwing a ball around. She wondered how soon she could leave without seeming too rude. But as she listened to the commentary of Talia and her family, along with Talia’s shouts of encouragement to her cousin, who seemed to be playing well, Anna found time passed quickly. Anna had no clue what was going on in the game but she had to admit she was slowly becoming mesmerised by the patterns of movement. The players rhythmically passing the ball behind them, running forward, clashing against other players, rolling the ball under their feet and starting again. By the escalation in the family’s cheers, Anna realised their team had won and she stood and clapped with them. Talia’s cousin came over to the sidelines and was swallowed by a group hug, despite the dirt and sweat all over him. They chanted his name, Micah, and then two of the guys lifted
him between their shoulders. Anna watched Talia laughing and felt as though she were witnessing a movie scene. Were people really this happy about something as simple as a football game? How did the quiet Talia have this bubbly, loving family and still get herself locked up? Anna stepped backward, feeling like an intruder. Maybe she should let Talia spend time with her family alone. Talia was talking to one of the older women, so Anna decided not to disturb her and just head home.
‘Anna, where you going?’ Anna had just reached the park exit when Talia called out to her, jogging to catch up.
‘Just going to head home.’ Anna shrugged. ‘It’s hot.’
‘Yeah, tell me about it.’ Talia wiped at the sweat dripping down her temples. ‘I’ll walk with you.’ They walked silently in step with each other until they were back to the main road.
‘How come you didn’t want to hang out for longer with your family?’
‘They’re not my family. Not really. They were friends of ours when I was little.’
‘That wasn’t your cousin playing?’
‘Nah, sorry, I call all guy friends cuz. They’re just family friends. Except I don’t have the family anymore.’
‘Oh.’ Talia was looking down at her feet as she walked. Anna wanted to ask her what had happened to her family but she didn’t want to be nosy. If she’d asked Sam a personal question like that inside, she’d have copped a punch to the face. But Talia continued without her asking. ‘My family disowned me. When I went to jail. They’re, like, really into church and stuff. My dad is a minister – Seventh-day Adventist – so … Yeah you can imagine what he thought of his daughter going to jail for manslaughter.’
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