Cosmic Love

by Jan Spiller

  It’s easy to fall into a close relationship, because on an unconscious level, both Souls know an interaction is possible that could result in mutual freedom from the past life issues between you. It’s an opportunity for each Soul to make a fresh start, healed from a wound you were born with. These relationships, when handled correctly, can yield a clarity and fearlessness that empowers us to rise beyond our greatest visions for ourselves. This is one face of Love.

  A Soul Mate, on the other hand, gives us back a part of ourselves that we may have been born without. It’s as though in a past life, this person entrusted part of themselves to us for safekeeping, and we did the same. In the process of interacting in this life, the gifts held sacred in each other’s hearts are given back so that both individuals can become whole and more self-actualized in their own right. They do this just in the natural exchange of energy—an underlying desire to support without any ulterior motive. This is another face of Love.

  Uncommon Common Sense in Relationships

  Going against the grain

  If the actions, style, words, values, and/or history of the person you are entering into a relationship with “go against the grain,” there’s nothing to figure out—let them go! They are not the right match for you! This is not an appraisal of appearance or rules, but of inner affinity. For example, outwardly they may be of a different height, race, or religion than we have been programmed to be attracted to, but inwardly we may feel very happy with them. Trust your inner feeling. One person may have a pattern of being late that upsets us; and another may have the same pattern, but for some reason their behavior doesn’t affect us in the same way.

  The prompting to partner with each other—whether the relationship is personal or business—is based on mutual attraction and individual need. As we get to know the other person over time, they begin to reveal their inner selves: their values, the way they view others, and their history. If their words or actions disturb you on some level, what is being revealed is that who they are as an individual is incompatible with who you are.

  Since we can only experience a certain number of deeply personal relationships in any one lifetime, it’s important to be selective about those we relate to on an essential level. We all know people who have been married twenty years to someone with whom they are basically incompatible. However, if it is a member of your family of origin, even if the relationship is not comfortable, there may be karma to work out between you.

  Sometimes when we feel deeply attracted to another, long-term fantasies come into play and we may become convinced they are a life partner. But as we get to know them better, their actions belie our initial assessment of them. Then we have to make an important choice. Are we going to trust our internal response to this person and say good-bye to them? Or, in essence, are we going to say good-bye to ourselves by believing that we can manifest our fantasy of the other person and change them into who we thought they were in the first place? What is true is that the innate character, values, and intentions of the other person will always win out, and we will have hurt our hearts and wasted our time in the process.

  Sometimes when we feel this “going against our grain” when we are with the other person, we may seek to analyze our feeling in an attempt to control the situation. But making it too complex on a mental level can distort the initial simplicity of inner spontaneous recognition that the other person is simply not right for us. They are not part of our destiny—at least not at this time.

  Trust yourself

  As we walk the spiritual path, the only compass we can trust 100 percent to lead us is ourselves—our inner knowing. If we try to give that ultimate decision-making power to anyone outside of ourselves, we lose. Only we know what is true for us. Others can be light-bearers who show the way, but only we can discern how much of what they are illuminating is true for us personally. Sometimes it happens that part of what they are sharing is true and practical for us to embrace now, and other parts may become true for us later.

  In reading the ideas offered in this book, only embrace what “makes sense” and is practical for you to apply at that time. Just take one principle that you recognize as correct for you and focus on experimenting with it in your daily life until you become comfortable with it and are seeing results. Then, when you pick up the book again, you may deeply resonate with another principle and can start experimenting with that.

  One of the motivating factors inspiring this book was to encourage others to trust themselves. So trust what you intuitively feel is true for you in reading these pages. And in seeking to understand those close to you, trust your inner experience of the other person rather than what you think you should be experiencing. Just trust your own instincts and the practical results of your experiments.

  Definition of Terms

  Big Picture: This perspective is gained by stepping back from current circumstances in order to see what is happening on a more objective, Universal level. This includes an awareness of what others need and want in the situation, the influence of any outside factors, and the reason why things are unfolding in this way.

  Intimacy: In this book the word refers to emotional intimacy rather than sexual intimacy. Naturally, in a bonded relationship between mates, emotional and sexual intimacies are intertwined.

  Karma: (see “The Karmic Wheel in Relationships,” Frontmatter)

  Midheaven: This is a mathematically calculated point, just as the Ascendant (or Rising Sign) is a point. The Ascendant is where the Sun passes the horizon; the Midheaven is where the Sun is at its highest point.

  Natal Chart: This is a chart of where all the heavenly bodies were at the moment of your birth.

  Native: “The native” is an astrological term and refers to a member of the nodal group being discussed.

  Nodal Axis: (see North Node)

  Nodal Group: This refers to those having the North Node in the same sign.

  North Node: When the term “North Node” is used in this book, it is actually referencing the nodal axis: the polarity of the North Node and South Node. For the sake of readability, I refer to the nodal axis by the North Node sign only.

  Orb: This refers to the distance between planets, which is measured in degrees and minutes. In calculating major aspects between the nodes and planets, I use an 8-degree orb; with the Moon and Sun, I use a 10-degree orb.

  Partner: For the purposes of this book, “partner” means the other person in the relationship. There are many forms of partnership and many types of partners: spouse, lover, friend, child, parent, co-worker, boss, adversary—any person with whom you are experiencing a significant relationship.

  Purpose Line: This refers to the basic life lessons you are learning for Soul growth in this incarnation, as revealed by the sign and house in which your North Node is found.

  Second Force: This is the natural response to the intention and action of creating something new (“first force”). A fresh idea threatens the status quo, so a “second force” of resistance meets the new energy. And within this opposition is the information needed to successfully implement the new action in a way that is compatible with the existing status quo. To overcome opposition, the most successful response to second force is different for each nodal group.

  She/He: At times I’ve used “she” or “he” to refer to a person, but this is not meant to be exclusive to one gender or the other.

  * * *

  PART I

  The Signs

  Bringing Out the Best in Love Relationships

  * * *

  Aries North Node People

  and North Node in the 1st House

  SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS

  A loving spirit

  Cooperative nature

  Interest in the other person

  Diplomacy

  Fairness

  A value for peace and harmony

  A giving nature

 
MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY

  “Part of my purpose is to create harmony in my relationships.”

  “If I’m a nice person and make everyone happy, then I will get love back.”

  “Since I’m stronger than others, it’s up to me to carry things until the other person gets stronger.”

  “If I create harmony in my relationships, I will feel inner peace.”

  “If I put the other person first, they will reciprocate by putting me first.”

  “If others see who I am, they may not like me.”

  “Other people’s image of me affects how I am.”

  “In a true partnership, people do most things together.”

  COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS

  “They are too needy of my energy and attention.”

  “They don’t make their own decisions.”

  “They’re very manipulative.”

  “They’re co-dependent; I don’t have any space to myself.”

  “They try to take responsibility for my moods.”

  “They measure what I do for them against what I do for others.”

  Co-Dependency vs. Independent Self-Identity

  Aries North Node people have had many past lives in the position of being the support person for someone else—their mate, their children, their business partner, etc. Over time, they began to identify themselves as being part of a team, and became dependent on the flow of nurturing energy created in the womb of their relationships.

  As a result of keeping their focus on the other person, the native has negated their own personal life force and lost touch with their own individual spark. After many incarnations of this pattern, their innate desire for growth and self-discovery became dormant.

  Although this co-dependent pattern may have worked for them in the past, in order to help these natives heal this unresolved pattern of co-dependency in this lifetime, the flow of reciprocity in relationships isn’t working in the way they expect. This is the Universe’s way of telling them that they need to grow stronger as an individual, and reclaim their own independent identity. Only then can their relationships become truly satisfying.

  Due to so many lifetimes of conditioning, these people still tend to believe that their personal happiness is dependent on keeping the other people in their relationships harmonious and happy. But this old pattern cannot produce the results they want; in the end they don’t feel loved or happy. In fact, until they become conscious of this co-dependency, they don’t know how to partner with self and do things on their own that support their individual happiness and personal growth.

  Until they gain awareness, Aries North Node people may act out co-dependent tendencies in many ways. Because internally they feel like they can’t make it on their own, they’re always on the lookout for others to partner with, and they tend to try and jump into co-dependency dynamics very quickly. Also, they often behave in ways that lead the other person to think they aren’t competent enough to function without them. They may say things like: “I really can’t do this, will you do it?”

  Instead of taking responsibility for their shortcomings and doing something to correct them, the native expects others to compensate for them. They tend to try to set things up so that anything they don’t want to take responsibility for is their partner’s responsibility. This blocks intimacy because eventually the other person starts to feel resentful. The truth is that the native CAN be completely functional and responsible, but subconsciously they want their partner to do certain things for them—and vice versa—in order to create the co-dependency.

  In a healthy, mutually interdependent relationship, the partners also take on certain responsibilities for each other, and may even make up for some of each other’s deficiencies. The important difference is that both people consciously agree to the arrangement as two separate individuals. For instance, if one partner enjoys cooking but hates shopping, and the other enjoys the experience of shopping but isn’t a very good cook, they may agree to divide these tasks accordingly.

  Instead, Aries North Node natives try to totally enmesh themselves in the other person’s world: They revolve around their partner’s concerns and want to do everything with them. Then they usually attempt to coerce their partner into also revolving around their concerns and sharing in their activities—shopping, visiting parents, running errands, etc. They are trying to establish reciprocity by giving too much and then pulling on the other person to give back. But this is not true giving—it’s more like an insurance policy to guarantee that they will always be included as part of the team.

  On an unconscious level, Aries North Node people think that this is the correct path to establish fulfilling relationships, but co-dependency ends up having the opposite effect. If they’re not really “standing in their own space,” they can’t receive the love and appreciation that their partner gives to them. As a result, they don’t feel like they truly belong. They give, and they’re part of their partner’s world, but when the other person doesn’t do what the native wants, they may feel hurt and resentful because the other person isn’t reciprocating in the way the native expected. And it blocks intimacy for their partner, because when they feel the native’s resentment, they tend to pull back in order to protect themselves.

  Aries North Node folks have no sense of self—they want to be part of the other person’s identity instead of discovering their own. Their energy is so invested in their relationship with the primary people in their life that sometimes—in order to keep the energetic connection going—they can become very controlling. They feel that as long as they have the other person “captured” in a relationship—whether it’s good or bad—they have a sense of identity.

  This control issue can extend to thinking they know what’s best for their mates, their parents, their children—everyone! They think people should do what they tell them because—in their mind—they so clearly have the other person’s best interest at heart. However, because they are so enmeshed in the identity of others, they unknowingly get confused between what would make others feel more harmonious and what would make them feel more harmonious. They are also concerned that the behavior of those who are close can reflect badly on them, and feel responsible for their actions. So if their child (even as an adult) exhibits a misbehavior, they are afraid that others look down on them as the parent.

  This co-dependency can be very draining for the other person. Those who are close often feel there’s no breathing room with these natives. Although they may like feeling needed and wanted, they resent having to constantly push the native away just to get some space. And the native feels like everyone is pushing them away all the time and they don’t understand why.

  This dynamic blocks intimacy for both people: When the native tries harder to please the other person and enhance the co-dependency, it makes their partner feel like they need to create more distance. If the other person tries to take some quiet time alone to recharge, the native may take it personally and act like their partner is trying to avoid them. They tend to feel threatened by their partner’s independent growth and development. But the best partnerships are created when the partners can share what each has learned individually. Then as each person grows as an individual, the more they have to offer the partnership.

  However, until these natives become conscious, they can be so needy that it feels like an abyss to the other person. And without their partner’s constant energy the native may feel lost and invisible. But the truth is that they will never feel really “seen” until they learn to see themselves. And the way they can begin to do this is by spending time alone, outside of the relationship.

  So when their partner starts distancing themselves—a signal that they need more space—the relationship and the native will benefit from giving them that gift. In fact, time spent with themselves is the only way these people can start to discover themselves and reconn
ect with the fountain of independent energy within.

  Creating Internal Harmony vs. Keeping Others Harmonious

  Aries North Node people tend to be sweet and selfless and usually feel that it is part of their purpose—and their responsibility—to support the “team” and create harmony in their relationships. As a result, they focus on making everyone else happy—their family, friends, employees, etc. But what tends to happen is that over time, others can come to expect the native to be responsible for their harmony, even at the native’s own expense.

  These natives are practicing selfless behavior in the extreme, which can encourage unrealistic expectations and lack of reciprocity in their partners. In fact, they often attract narcissistic partners. Because of their co-dependent tendencies, if the native thinks that the other person wants them to do something, they may do whatever it takes, even if that means sacrificing what they need to do for themselves.

  However, eventually the native looks around and realizes that there’s no reciprocity and they aren’t getting their needs met. Then they feel sad and angry because they think they’re being used. Even though they give others the impression “All I need to be happy is for you to be happy,” it really doesn’t work if the other person doesn’t give back to them.

  Aries North Node people can only resolve this issue when they are willing to recognize that it’s NOT their job to make everyone else happy. Relating in a healthy way as an equal would mean saying: “If you’re not happy, I’m sorry.” Then they could do others the honor of acknowledging them as a separate person and allowing them to be responsible for their own happiness. The native also honors themselves when they do what they need to do in order to be personally happy.