by Jan Spiller
Wherever we are out of balance due to past life transgressions or other unconscious issues, we will eventually—in this incarnation or the next—need to take responsibility for healing that part of ourselves and dealing with the issue successfully. So in order to complete their lessons in this lifetime of discovering and expressing their individual identity, these natives need to pay attention to their own impulses and desires. Then they can let the energy connected to the instinct itself propel them into making their own choices and taking action that makes them happy.
And in doing so, the native gives others the opportunity to support their choices. Then they can feel the love coming back to them. But even when others don’t support them, they will feel the satisfaction of self-love bubbling up from within because they have taken responsibility for creating their own happiness. Then what others think will pale in importance compared to the joy of their own personal self-discovery!
Embracing Equality to Establish Healthy Relationships
Aries North Node people tend to have a sense of being stronger than other people, and are unusually forgiving, accepting, and tolerant as a result. In an unequal situation, they may decide that they can carry the relationship. They think: “I can handle it—my partner will come around and start doing their share.”
However, since the native doesn’t negotiate a clear agreement with the other person, they may not be on the same page. Some people may use the native’s strength as a free ride—or they may not be interested in developing the relationship in accordance with the native’s unspoken expectations. For instance, one Aries North Node client said to her husband: “Please, work with me on improving our relationship.” He wasn’t interested, but she still continued to give because she was sure he’d come around. When he insulted her enough, she finally left.
The notion that they’re stronger than their partner blocks intimacy on many levels. For one thing, when they’re constantly the responsible one, equality is lost in the relationship. Also, while waiting for their partner to become stronger the native doesn’t take care of their own harmony and happiness, or express their needs to the other person.
And when the native sees themselves as stronger, they don’t let themselves be vulnerable because, in their mind, the other person isn’t really equal and able to partner with them. This blocks intimacy for their partner, who often feels sad that the native doesn’t depend on them as much as they would like. Ironically, although the other person may perceive the native as being too independent, the relationship is still based on co-dependency because the native is only seeing themselves as part of the team—“the stronger one”—rather than as an independent entity in their own right. Their identity is based on a comparison with their partner; they see themselves as compensating for what they perceive the other person lacks.
This often becomes an issue of respect, and creates a feeling of superiority that causes distance and prevents intimacy. The native may try to manipulate their partner into developing the qualities that they want them to have. Sometimes the native pours so much energy into “helping” their partner acquire certain traits that they become personally identified with the results. Then a power struggle can ensue just so the other person can be themselves.
These issues can only be resolved when the native begins to clearly state their position up front in their relationships. The idea is to be honest about what they want to create in the relationship and what they want the agreement to be. Then they can see if the other person wants the same thing and is committed to doing their share.
Aries North Node people almost always have difficulty with equality in their relationships. They tend to either shift the people around them into a parental role or take on a parental role themselves. For instance, their reticence to make decisions on their own puts others in the position of feeling responsible for the native—more like a parent than a peer. But when the native takes responsibility “for straightening the other person out” and lifting their mood, they are putting themselves in the parental role. Either way, it’s not a healthy adult relationship. Without equality, intimacy cannot be created.
These people are learning that no matter how hard they are willing to work to please others, and regardless of how much they want everything to be harmonious, there has to be equality and reciprocity in their relationships before true happiness and intimacy can occur. Since they don’t know how to get their needs met as an equal, the native often resorts to manipulation—politely tricking the other person into giving them what they want instead of risking honest self-disclosure. And when the other person feels the manipulation, they may start to mistrust the native, always doubting what they say because they never know their real motives. Manipulation = no equality = no intimacy.
However, manipulating others is what these people equate with “self-identity”—it’s the only way they know how to get what they want. Although this dynamic robs them of their personal power, they tend to blame others for their lack of power. It seldom occurs to them that they could get their needs met—and regain their power and integrity—by being honest and straightforward.
Another subtle, more unconscious form of manipulation can occur as a result of the native always focusing on the other person. Since the native is used to defining themselves in relationship to others when they interact with someone, what that person sees is not the native’s true identity, but their own reflection. This leads them to feel deeply understood and valued—they believe that the native is just like them! Although this may make the native popular on a superficial level, it blocks intimacy because if the native isn’t really “seen,” over time there’s no energy coming back to them.
The only way for these folks to change this dynamic is if they consciously choose to reveal themselves authentically with the other person. One experiment would be for them to focus on the other person—which they do naturally—and once they have “seen” them, then communicate a little about themselves. For example, after the other person shares about the first time they rode a bicycle, the native can shift the energy and relate their first bike-riding experience.
This way the energy can travel back and forth, nurturing both people and creating a reciprocal link. And instead of just projecting, others will have a real person to relate to—which is the first step in opening the way for reciprocity, equality, and intimacy to be created in their relationship.
Aries North Node people can only rediscover their own individual identity from within. Spending time alone is the only way they can gain awareness of what THEY consider to be good about themselves. And if they don’t, they may never feel comfortable being with people just as they are. When they do, the resulting sense of healthy autonomy empowers them to enjoy their partner as an equal, recognizing that each person is learning and growing according to their own inner blueprint.
Risking Authentic Self-Disclosure: Releasing Manipulation and the “Nice Person” Image
Aries North Node people tend to subtly control situations in order to get what they want. They’re so polite and “angelic” that they usually appear to have totally pure intentions—but the other person feels their manipulative energy. On an unconscious level, these natives think that manipulation is the only way they can get what they need from others.
This dynamic blocks intimacy because although others don’t consciously know what’s going on, they end up feeling resentful. This is because, underneath, the native hasn’t really given them a true choice. If the native were to just ask for what they want, then it would feel like a gift to the other person when they gave it. The manipulation contaminates the potential joy of the interaction with resentment and mistrust.
Until Aries North Node people gain an independent sense of self, they feel so dependent on how others see them that they often alter their presentation to get the “right response.” If they want chocolate, they will say vanilla because they don’t want to disappoint the other perso
n, to look bad or seem “less than” in their eyes. They can be so diplomatic that they don’t share their true feelings because they think it could lead to a confrontation. Also, they fear that if the other person really understands them, they might lose their ability to maintain harmony in the relationship and get what they want.
However, when these people are thinking one thing and saying another, others recognize the incongruity and it makes them uncomfortable. They sense that the native is not being themselves and is appeasing or deceiving them in some way. This is hurtful to others because how can they trust the native when they never know if they’re just telling polite lies? This causes others to fear getting too close.
It also blocks intimacy for the native because when they withhold part of themselves, they have to keep an emotional distance. On some level, they know they’re using politeness and charm to keep things harmonious and get what they want, and it doesn’t make them feel good about themselves. And if they don’t share how they truly feel, then the relationship is like being onstage—it’s an act.
This act is not difficult for Aries North Node people to maintain. Until they start developing their own identity, it is easy for them to see themselves through others’ eyes and change how they present themselves. Controlling how others see them is really just another form of manipulation, but it results in others controlling them, since they constantly have to change their presentation based on the other person’s perception. And because the native isn’t revealing their true identity, the other person’s perception of them is actually just a projection. So the native can become even more lost from themselves through this process.
All of this is motivated by the native’s intense fear of letting others see who they really are. They just know that if another sees their authentic self, that person will disapprove of something about them. Then, if the other person doesn’t like who they are, they might leave the relationship—and subconsciously, the native doesn’t think they can survive on their own. So they remain very guarded.
One of the lessons for Aries North Node people this lifetime is that in order to allow intimacy to develop in their relationships, they need to walk through their fear, give up their manipulative behavior, and authentically share themselves with the other person. They have to risk being straightforward about whatever is going on with them—even if they don’t always know why they feel a certain way—and allow themselves to grow through the process that unfolds.
For instance, if they are feeling frustrated and share this with their partner, they will automatically gain clarity about the cause of their frustration through the interaction that results. Then, regardless of how the other person responds, the native will “win” because they’ve given a voice to their own energy and will feel good about themselves.
Once the native has embraced this more authentic way of relating, they can start creating more positive relationships right from the beginning. When first getting to know someone, the idea is to communicate about themselves honestly and see if the other person is willing to meet them on the same level. For success, the native needs to state their position first to avoid just unconsciously going along with the other person.
For example: “I really enjoy going to art museums—it always lifts my spirits. Do you like art?” By displaying an honest curiosity about another, the native will be able to tell if that person is also willing to honestly reveal their tastes and preferences, and if they are someone who is interested in creating reciprocity in their relationships.
Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships
Aries North Node people truly believe that if they create a lovely home environment, are a good parent, support their mate, make holidays special, etc., they are experiencing Love and intimacy. But what they’re really experiencing is just their partner’s response to the role that they are choosing to play—i.e., their mate may say: “Okay, then I’ll go to work and bring home the money.”
The truth about this “nice” scenario is that although it looks good and is usually harmonious, it actually blocks intimacy because it’s a picture-book relationship. There can be no true intimacy because it’s not real—it’s all based on “being a nice person.” Playing the role of the perfect mate creates an emotional dead zone for both people, and true experience of loving and being loved is inadvertently sacrificed.
In order to create the possibility of intimacy with their partner, their best bet is to begin viewing themselves outside the context of “the team.” When they don’t disclose themselves as an individual, their identity becomes defined by the relationship, and they’re waiting for the relationship to dictate their wants and needs. Then even when they match their partner’s energy and go with the flow, the intimacy is lost.
On a deeper level, the problem is that they’re not in touch with their true identity and aren’t even sure what their needs really are. Lacking a solid sense of self can create tremendous anxiety for them, especially in their primary relationship. They know how to be co-dependent and relate without boundaries—totally immersed in the other person’s energy field—but they lack experience in how to maintain their individuality when they bond with another. This makes it difficult to sustain the equality that, on some level, they know is necessary for a healthy relationship. Their partner may sense their anxiety, but doesn’t understand what’s causing it.
Until they become more aware and begin to develop healthy self-love, Aries North Node people require an enormous amount of energy from their partner. Because of their past life issues, they feel like they need the other person in order to survive. When they fall in love, these people automatically want to do all they can to support their partner. However, they tend to give too much at their own expense, with the unspoken expectation of reciprocity. They think: “I’m so loving and giving, if I put my partner first, they will put me first”—but that’s not necessarily true.
However, even if their partner doesn’t reciprocate, the native usually won’t say anything negative. They’re afraid that the other person might pull away and they would lose the energy of the union. So they tell their partner what they think the other person wants to hear: “Everything is wonderful, you’re the best.”
If the Aries North Node person notices that suddenly they don’t feel so loving toward their partner, they should take an honest look at whether they’ve been compromising themselves. If so, the next step would be to ask their partner directly for what they want and need. These natives also need to begin to get in touch with what they want to create that will energize them on a personal level. They are learning to give themselves the support they need to do things on their own, outside of the relationship.
However, until they get in touch with the inner fire of their own identity, these people tend to feel vacant inside. On an unconscious level, this can cause them to be driven to change another’s behavior to match how they would behave in a certain situation. They often seem to be either trying to change their partner or looking for the right person to partner with, instead of separately defining and expressing their own individuality.
When these natives get hurt deeply enough in a relationship, it can lead them to finally realize that the pain they experience only happens because they don’t love themselves and look out for themselves. For Aries North Node people, the first step is self-love. Until they love themselves and feel truly connected to their own individual identity, they can never authentically share themselves with another.
It is the path of learning to love, honor, and respect themselves that can eventually lead these natives to the correct understanding of Love, and how to truly love another. They are learning that loving someone means appreciating their individuality and encouraging their independence, not controlling them. And the process of supporting their partner’s own innate identity in a healthy way can also strengthen the native’s own sense of identity and uniqueness.
When their context is the r
elationship, these people feel like they have to manipulate their partner in order to get their needs met. But when their context is their own personal identity, the enmeshment of co-dependency drops away so the two individuals can come together in a healthier, more authentic relationship. Then the native can more clearly state what they want, and hear the other person’s needs and desires. Together they can create their own, real, unique relationship that nurtures both people.
Love is not a contract or a deal, and it’s not about two people trading chips across the table. It’s about acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, mutual healing, and expressing honest feelings. These people are learning that behind the roles and expectations, there is a journey of personal growth for each person. So the highest ideal is to create a relationship where both people support each other in actualizing their potential for self-expression and wholeness. Sharing that process is what yields the intimate exchange of acceptance, love, understanding, and intimacy that they seek.
How Others Can Help Them Heal
Prompt Self-Discovery
When Aries North Node people talk about their day, their major concerns will most likely involve their relationships with others. They may be feeling resentful because they think their boss treated them unfairly, or frustrated because a friend didn’t support them in a specific way. Whatever it is, help them to see—through your own honest curiosity—what they learned about himself or herself in the situation.
For example, if their boss gave them a more complex task than he gave a co-worker, what does that show the native about themselves? Maybe they are more capable to handle difficult problems than their co-worker. Or perhaps their boss sees their willingness to be a team player and thinks they won’t object.