by Jan Spiller
Cancer North Node People
and North Node in the 4th House
SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS
Takes responsibility
Integrity
Dependability
A giving spirit
Competency
Gift for organization
Willingness to take charge
MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY
“In the end, I’m always the one who has to be responsible.”
“When others give me compliments, it’s because they have ulterior motives.”
“I can’t feel truly satisfied, because other people always let me down.”
“If I’m vulnerable, the other person will hurt me.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“I can’t depend on anyone to take care of me.”
“If I share my true feelings, I’ll be invalidated.”
“I need to repeat myself in order for the other person to ‘get it.’”
COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS
“They try to control everything.”
“I can’t get close—they have their own agenda all the time.”
“They’re only happy when I’m doing exactly what they want.”
“They are emotionally immature.”
“They feel threatened if I express my needs.”
“They don’t care if they hurt my feelings.”
Breaking the Grip of Controlling Behaviors
Cancer North Node people have experienced many lifetimes as statesmen, lawmakers, heads of households, business owners, and in situations where they had the sole responsibility for creating success. Others depended on them for their survival. Due to this past life conditioning, they easily fall into the “father role”—the one who feels responsible for the ordering and survival of the family. Thus they are always vigilant, managing outer circumstances so that everyone around them will fare well and specific outcomes will be achieved. They even apply their propensity for taking charge to situations involving others’ behavior and emotions.
For example, I had a client with this nodal position whose fiancée didn’t want to have anything to do with his children. However, he felt he was responsible for making sure that his fiancée and his kids got along, so he gave lots of instructions about how they should treat one another. Ultimately, his fiancée felt so controlled that she left the relationship. In being so focused on the goal, these natives neglect the feelings of others and the integrity of the process that others need to go through for their own growth.
My client could have learned a lot about his fiancée if he had allowed her to not interact with his kids, while taking time to explore the reasons for her reservations. If he had approached her with only the motive of better understanding her, she could have honestly shared her concerns. Maybe she felt neglected in an early family situation and was afraid that he wouldn’t give her attention if his kids were around. Her objections might have had nothing to do with the children personally—just her own fears. And once her feelings were heard and she felt supported by her partner, the problem may have resolved itself over time—or maybe not. But at least the process would have been allowed to unfold naturally, and a deeper level of intimacy and bonding would have been possible. In relationships, Cancer North Node people are learning to let the integrity of the process dictate the outcome.
In a crisis, when others are floundering, these folks are the ones who take charge, create order, and help everyone survive. This exaggerated sense of responsibility includes the belief that even if they delegate, they’re going to end up doing it all anyway. They think: “No one else can take care of this exactly the way I want it to be.” This blocks intimacy, because others feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. And for the native, if they take all the responsibility for reaching a mutual goal, they lose respect for the other person. They are learning to support others in using their talents to help create successful outcomes, rather than to control and micromanage situations. By welcoming the help of others, a sense of caring and support can begin to grow, and mutual respect—a necessary ingredient for relationships to thrive—remains intact.
Another issue that arises is that they honestly feel that since they are the best caretakers, they don’t think they can count on others to take care of them. They don’t trust that others will be there for them in exactly the way that they think they need. Internally, they want desperately to be able to depend on others, but are afraid the other person won’t be there when they really need them. They think that the only way their needs can be met is if they are in total control. They really believe that if they can just get other people to do exactly what they tell them, they will feel safe and happy. But they’re not happy, because it’s impossible to create the intimacy they crave with that approach. The other person feels that they can’t share their true self and nurture the native in their own way, and this blocks the energy that would enable them to freely support the native naturally and spontaneously.
Cancer North Node people are realizing that if they want to experience intimacy in a healthy relationship, controlling behaviors need to be released. A control mode creates a state of tension, because other people feel like they are walking on eggshells. Success with intimacy requires learning to trust that they can relax the “control mechanism” and still get their needs met. And even if their needs aren’t met in exactly the way they had pictured—or if they don’t reach their goal exactly when they wanted to—the native is recognizing that the world won’t end and it doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t love them. The truth is that others are trying to support these folks all the time—they just don’t notice! They are learning how to actively participate in allowing others to support them by paying attention to what the other person wants to do for them, and welcoming their help.
Until they become aware of this, what often happens is that they have this expectation of being let down, and end up creating that experience. For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who was pregnant, already had two children, and was really in need of nurturing. Her perception was that her husband was not there for her—she felt like she was doing it all alone. As a result, she became more and more angry. Eventually, she closed her heart to him, which shut down her capacity to create intimacy or receive any nurturing.
From her husband’s perspective, she was constantly complaining—he didn’t want to be around her because when he tried to help he couldn’t do anything right. The truth was that if she had tuned in to him—how he was trying to take care of her, rather than how he wasn’t—she would have noticed those times when he was trying to nurture her in his own way. And when he wasn’t being supportive, she could have shared her feelings and let him know where she specifically needed his help. But her belief about the situation—“He’s letting me down”—blocked her from asking for what she wanted. If she had trusted that his intention was to support her, she could have created intimacy by sharing her feelings and experiences with him. For instance, she could have had him feel when the baby was moving, let him know when she was feeling extra-tired or when her back hurt, etc. This would have given him openings to support her, and by feeling included, loved, and appreciated, he would have wanted to nurture and support her that much more.
Experiencing Satisfaction
Cancer North Node people tend to resist accepting appreciation or admiration from others. They just pass over it as though someone were telling them that the weather was beautiful. They are learning to stop and really receive another person’s loving energy and feel the reason behind their compliment. Often when someone gives them a compliment, they hear what the other person is saying, but they don’t know how to take it in—they just say “Thank you,” and it doesn’t really affect them. On one level, this happens because the native doesn’t want to appear “full of themselves.” They b
elieve that downplaying their talents and competency is a sign of humility.
On a deeper level, what’s happening is a subconscious fear that if they really take the compliment in, they will feel content with their current level of achievement. They may give up on their goals, and lose the edge of dissatisfaction they think they need in order to accomplish more. However, if the native was to really receive the other person’s loving compliment and feel it on a heart level—as an acknowledgment of their innate talents and past accomplishments—they would experience a degree of nurturing that would actually make the whole process of achievement more satisfying and enjoyable. To accept the compliment is a completion of the energy—the natural reward for past achievement—and it is meant to make them feel good.
Another thing that may shut these people down when they hear a compliment is the unconscious fear that they might lose their “one up” position. They think that by not acknowledging the “thanks,” they will always be the one who is looked up to. Actually, they often neglect feelings of enjoyment because their subconscious is telling them that sacrificing personal enjoyment will earn them respect. In reality, however, not knowing how to accept the compliment creates a wall between themselves and the other person, who may feel discounted and unappreciated. Cancer North Node people are learning that slowing down and allowing themselves to accept the praise of others on a heart level helps to create a sense of equality and intimacy with others. It also increases the core strength of the native, since they gain the experience of being nurtured as a result of their hard work and achievement. Otherwise, their achievements don’t emotionally satisfy them.
These people are definitely overachievers. They are often in a state of hyperactivity, as if—on an unconscious level—they are trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. No matter how much the native accomplishes, they always feel there is this “greater goal” they have an obligation to reach. As a result, they may feel discontent with what is going on in the present moment. The reality is that whatever they’re doing IS the mission. But they constantly feel that there is something else, on a grander scale, they are ultimately capable of accomplishing.
This preoccupation with achievement blocks intimacy because the native tends to postpone experiencing happiness with their loved ones until they reach this idealized, unknown goal. Being locked into their own agenda in this way blocks them from really being in touch with the other person. Sometimes they even get angry with those who are close—especially those in their living environment—if their internal perception is that others are holding them back. Naturally, it’s difficult to experience intimacy in this situation, because other people feel like they can never satisfy the native or make them happy. Cancer North Node people may not even be aware that the other person is giving to them. Until they begin taking in the caring others are giving them, other people may perceive them as constantly looking for validation. Eventually the other person may think: “What’s the point? No matter how much I give, it’s never enough.”
To break this pattern, the Cancer North Node person is learning that feeling satisfied isn’t something to achieve in the future, it’s an awareness of the support, nurturing, and love that is already available in their life. And by starting to GIVE nurturing to others, they can activate the flow of mutual positive energy. When someone expresses a need and the native fills it, then that person will want to give back to them. The result will be an abundance of mutual nurturing and support that can allow intimacy to thrive.
One way to get the ball rolling is for the native to invite others to tell them what they would like (what kind of food they would prefer, what movie they want to see, etc.), and then go along with doing things the other person’s way and see what happens. They will discover that giving the other person what they need creates an energy of appreciation and closeness. And it is this closeness that can lead to intimacy, which will finally give the native the sense of fullness and satisfaction they have been seeking.
Reconnecting with Feelings
Cancer North Node people are usually out of touch with their feelings due to many lifetimes of being responsible for caretaking others, without having the experience of being taken care of themselves. Or they may have deliberately suppressed their personal feelings to reach specific goals. For instance, they may have chosen a partner with whom to raise a family for reasons of prestige or financial gain, discounting their emotional need for love and intimacy. Either way, as a result of many incarnations spent focusing outside themselves, their ability to connect with their own feelings needs to be reactivated.
When they’re not in touch with their feelings, their actions often go against their true inner nature. Their emotions—discounted for so long—are not easy for them to identify. It’s not that their feelings don’t exist—in fact, they are quite powerful and highly charged due to being suppressed. But since the native is unfamiliar with the normal ebb and flow of emotion, and the sense of nurturing acceptance it can bring, they feel uncomfortable in situations involving feelings, because they don’t know how to navigate the emotional energy.
They may naively resist sharing their own feelings, as well as resist input about how others feel. But when they resist experiencing the “emotional field” that is created through the natural flow of feeling between themselves and others, their own emotions can well up until the situation feels overwhelming. Then they may give the impression that they think they’re the only one who has permission to express anger or other feelings. Sometimes, when others think the native is being “impossible,” it’s because they are faced with a situation they don’t understand. This can cause intense emotion, and they may act out from fear of becoming overwhelmed. Their challenge is to learn to pay attention to their emotions, acknowledging them to themselves and sharing them with others as they arise. The more the native can do this without judging their own feelings or trying to change them, the less threatened they will feel by the emotions of others. They are learning that it’s engaging in the emotional flow—not resisting it—that ultimately brings greater satisfaction in their relationships. The idea is for them to develop the habit of being more aware of moods—both in themselves and others—and allowing these emotions without feeling the need to change them.
One of their lessons this lifetime is learning to trust their gut instincts and take them into account in their decision-making process. The problem is that they question all their feelings, because they can’t define them. For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who determined that the best way to give her daughter an “educational edge” was to put her in pre-school when she was two years old. Then she started feeling very upset, but she wasn’t sure why. Internally, something was telling her not to send her daughter to school yet, but she followed what she thought she “should do” rather than trust her instincts. Then, when her daughter had a bad experience, she realized she should have listened to her feelings.
Another client with this nodal position broke up with her boyfriend, and after they had been apart for a while, he became genuinely willing to work on the relationship for the first time. Her heart opened to him, and she wanted to try again. However, she had already started dating someone else, and she chose to keep her promise to this new person (what she thought she “should do”) rather than follow her heart—a decision she later regretted. As Cancer North Node people begin to act in accordance with their feelings, the guidance of their internal compass will become stronger.
Since they have had so little experience dealing with the realm of emotions, sometimes in an attempt to share feelings they will speak in a one-way flow of emotion just to get the feelings out. The motive behind their sharing will determine the result. If they are stuck in their “control mode” and their motive is really instructing the other person that they need to change or do something differently, they will usually be met with defensive or passive resistance. But if their motive is honest self-revelation—to give the ot
her person a chance to become more aware of them—then they are likely to be met with genuine concern and caring. The idea is to stay in the “I” framework when sharing feelings. For example: “Don’t make so much noise in the morning, you wake me up” will probably be met with defensive resistance. However: “I wanted to share with you that I wake up with a jolt when there are loud noises in the morning. My heart races and I feel really anxious for quite a while afterward” is likely to engender a caring response. By being open and inviting the other person to respond in their own way, intimacy is strengthened.
Even when the native has a legitimate reason to give another person instructions—perhaps at work—they can still run into problems if they discount the emotional component of the interaction. For instance, they say something once. Then they really want to emphasize the importance of it so they sneak it in again. Then, if they’re still not sure the other person got it, they’ll repeat it again in a slightly different way. They actually think they are being helpful. However, to the other person it feels like the native has an ulterior motive or doesn’t think they’re smart enough to grasp what was said the first time. This can turn others off and create an ongoing subconscious resistance to the native. The other person can tell that the Cancer North Node person isn’t really connecting with them—otherwise the native would know that the message was already received. The key here is for them to slow down long enough to tune in to the emotional field between them and the other person as they communicate, and then wait to see if they feel the shift in the energy that indicates the other person “got it,” before repeating themselves.
These people feel anxiety about connecting with others emotionally—even asking someone if they’re okay or exploring their feelings with another person makes them anxious. But they need to become comfortable with feelings so that they can learn how to deal with the irrational realm of emotions that is part of the human experience. And everyone wins when they take time to be interested in the feelings of others, because these natives have tremendous integrity and will not misuse feelings once they are in touch with them. When they listen to someone with interest and support, the other person will feel “seen,” cared about, and nurtured. And in the process of empathizing with the moods and feelings of another, the native’s heart will open and they will become more accepting of their own changing moods and feelings as well.