by Jan Spiller
These people unconsciously sabotage their relationships when they mask their feelings and concerns to obtain a specific result. For example, a client with this nodal position had a long-standing platonic relationship with a woman he had always been attracted to. At one point the relationship shifted and began opening in a romantic direction, but he didn’t pursue it for fear that it wouldn’t work out and he would lose her friendship. Rather than communicate his concerns, he remained silent. By not sharing his concerns he didn’t allow her to connect with him in deciding whether or not to take their relationship to the next level. Also, because she could sense his anxiety without understanding the cause, his failure to communicate damaged the friendship he was trying to protect. These natives are learning that in personal relationships, whatever they are concerned about is exactly what they need to reveal to their partner in order to determine the direction that can create happiness for both parties.
Another danger for Cancer North Node people in relationships is when they hold on to their old belief that they’re going to be let down. When they constantly look for evidence that their belief is correct, they find it—because that’s how they interpret everything that happens. This blocks intimacy, because the native is always focused on all the ways their partner is letting them down rather than noticing all the ways their partner is supporting them. As a result, their partner feels they can’t do anything right. The native may get angry at their partner for not meeting their needs, but chances are, they haven’t specifically said: “I need this.” It’s a symptom of their emotional immaturity that these folks expect others to intuitively know what they need.
These natives are learning to acknowledge their insecurities and then allow their partner to support and nurture them in their own way without trying to control the situation. They allow for the highest good to unfold when they simply say, “I need your support because I feel ____,” and then let their partner nurture them according to their own intuitive promptings. Sometimes they can more easily open to receive nurturing by first nurturing the other person, and then consciously tuning in to experience their partner’s enjoyment. For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who gave her boyfriend scalp massages, and he enjoyed it so much that she could feel his energy of love and appreciation. This emotional connection allowed her to feel safe enough to begin creating a deeper bond between them, enabling her to take in more of the nurturing that he provided.
The difficulty these people have with nurturing in their sexual relationships is actually part of their core issue of lacking awareness of feelings. To heal this underlying problem, they are learning to notice fluctuating moods and accept them—without trying to change them. They are also learning to suspend their old response of feeling threatened when their partner expresses a need or feels anxious. Then they can seek to better understand their partner by asking them what’s going on, and giving them an opening to reveal themselves. In fact, when these people show their caring by asking what their partner needs, they always know exactly the right thing to do or say. And as they become more familiar with the flavor of different emotions, they will start to feel more comfortable with others’ feelings. Then, if their partner isn’t happy, it will be easier for them to explore and resolve the underlying problem long before the upset escalates to dramatic proportions. And as they begin to understand why certain feelings arise, they will be better able to show their love to their partner, even in the middle of an emotional situation.
The road to this state of heightened awareness can be a difficult process for Cancer North Node people, since they are rediscovering a realm of emotions that they have been conditioned to avoid over many lifetimes. They must constantly guard against slipping back into their tendency to control everything and fixate on their own goals. This is particularly dangerous because it isolates them from their partner. Staying in the confines of their own world may feel safe and familiar, yet it doesn’t make them happy, because they aren’t sharing the experience of Love and intimacy with another person.
Cancer North Node people are learning that the bottom line in their intimate relationships is empathy. Whatever their partner is feeling can be healed simply by their caring enough to tune in, ask questions, and respond in a loving way to their partner’s distress. This is what builds the bond that assures that the other person will also be there for them. The intimate connection they long for can only happen when they become willing to encourage the free exchange of honest emotional communication and self-revelation. It can only be created in the moment, by both people letting each other know how they are being affected by the other and trusting the process to lead to the correct outcome.
Although it may be awkward for them at first, the irony is that once these natives do tune in to the emotional realm and realize its importance, they will find that they have an innate ability to handle feelings in a beautiful, pure way, in total integrity. And they are learning that it’s worth the risk—because a life devoid of sharing feelings, moods, and even occasional upsets with another is a flat and colorless world.
How Others Can Help Them Heal
Help Them to Identify and Deal with Feelings
Cancer North Node people are out of touch with the realm of emotions, and often have difficulty identifying their inner feelings. By encouraging them to get in touch with their feelings and identify what they are experiencing internally, their mind will become more comfortable with this dimension and the native will be better able to include an awareness of their feelings when making decisions. This will greatly enhance their ability to achieve intimacy in their relationships.
These folks are born achievers, and will willingly take responsibility to reach any goal they set for themselves. If you can help them see that reawakening and responding to their feelings is a worthwhile goal, they will take the steps necessary to achieve it. Since they lack a “feeling vocabulary,” one idea is to help them compile a list of different emotions, and urge them to carry it with them while they are learning to identify their feelings.
Their list could include: hurt, upset, put-down, invalidated, frustrated, embarrassed, shame, guilt, fear, apprehension, anxiety, pride, insecurity, uncomfortable, disappointed, anxious, agreeable, tender, sad, hurt, happy, irritable, fragile, awkward, etc. When they’re feeling something and they’re not sure what it is, encourage them to use the list to identify it, and then to look underneath that feeling, if necessary. For example, if they say: “I’m really angry,” help them see that anger is a secondary emotion—a reaction to a feeling—and to look deeper at what’s really going on. It may be: “I felt hurt; I was embarrassed…”
The idea is for them to learn to respond to a feeling that arises by identifying it rather than by pushing it aside. They experience many emotions, but if they can’t put words to them, they feel helpless to communicate them or channel them constructively. So their feelings have been suppressed rather than being identified, processed, and allowed to pass.
When they are faced with an emotional situation—such as the death of a parent, a confrontation with a loved one, starting a new job, etc.—encourage them to keep a diary of what they are feeling so they can become more consciously in touch with that part of themselves. Writing about it will validate their emotions and help them stay grounded. Also encourage them to run the experiment of verbalizing their moods and feelings, and to practice tuning in to the moods and feelings of those around them.
Inspire Them to Value the Processes as Well as the Goal
These people are so goal-oriented that they easily become frustrated with themselves if they don’t get to their goal “yesterday.” Remind them that they are learning and growing from their experiences, and that the process itself is what will lead them to their goal. Helping them to recognize the value of the process with prompts such as “What did you learn from that?” or “Wow, we’re all really learning and growing here” will allow them to relax and be more accepting of themse
lves and others.
Remind them that part of getting to the goal is going through all the steps that lead there. Other people may be involved, and they may need to be at a certain place in their own growth process in order to realize the final aim. In order for natives to live life more fully, they are learning to recognize and appreciate the magic of the process; how everything comes together in its own timing to create the end result. They are also learning to enjoy the process. For example, if the native is invited to a party, they may rush through the preparation, postponing any feelings of enjoyment until they arrive at the party. You can encourage them to enjoy the process of shopping for something special to wear, thinking about a gift for the hostess, and otherwise tuning in to the fun of preparation.
These people are willing to take the responsibility for creating successful results. They are learning to become less concerned with results and more concerned with process. If they can see that slowing down long enough to appreciate and enjoy the process is part of creating a more profound and satisfying experience, they will be willing to do it. They also value being seen as a positive example for others. They will be willing to cultivate this underdeveloped quality in themselves if you say: “By doing this, you will also be showing others how to have a more emotionally rewarding life.”
Encourage Them to Demonstrate Caring Toward Others
When they are uncertain about how to proceed in a situation, ask them: “Is your motive control, or caring?” If it’s control, they will lose; but if their motive is sincerely caring about the other person (without trying to take on the other’s responsibility), the interaction will have a positive outcome. Encourage them to make their goal showing concern for other people and interest in their well-being by asking questions: “Are you okay?” “Is this going too fast for you?” “Are you cold?” Especially support them in demonstrating concern and caring for those with whom they want to be close. Encourage them to assist others in reaching their goals by asking questions, offering words of encouragement, and expressing confidence in the other person’s ability to create success. Once the native begins to consciously demonstrate interest and caring, they will discover they are very good at it. And others respond with so much appreciation that the native will also feel nurtured by their energy.
These people have a tendency to close down the emotional dimension that adds so much substance and richness to life. But if you help them establish a “goal” of regularly tuning in to their own moods and emotions, and interacting with others on a feeling level, they will be able to take responsibility for creating success in this area. Ask them questions such as: “Why do you suppose they responded like that? Do you think they felt threatened or afraid?” Lovingly remind them that they have the ability to tune in to others’ emotions. Encouraging them to consciously experience what the other person is feeling will take their attention away from their mental processes and help connect them with their sense of empathy. Then if they allow themselves to rest in the emotional field that exists between them and the other person, they will automatically be able to relate more easily and appropriately. And by complimenting them on how good they are at it, you will help them develop the confidence to become more vulnerable and connect more deeply with others, creating mutual safety.
Support them in sharing feelings with others in a two-way flow of emotional communication. For example, if a confrontation occurs, encourage them to straighten it out with the other person. Help them learn the art of apologizing: “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m feeling a lot of stress over financial problems, and I took it out on you.” Or if they’re not sure what’s going on with someone, they could ask: “The other day when you _______, what did you think was going on when you responded like that?” Then help them to really hear and accept what the other person has to say, and to honestly share their own emotional response.
Influence Them to Recognize and Graciously Receive Nurturing from Others
One real key for this nodal group is to begin to consciously recognize the ways in which others express their caring and concern for them. This will give them the security they need to begin opening up to other people. To this end, help them really tune in to the compliments they receive from others and take in the positive energy. They often need this kind of support in order to feel good about themselves.
Also, encourage them to become aware of—and release—their habit of focusing on what their partner ISN’T providing, and begin to consciously notice the ways in which the other person IS demonstrating their commitment. For example, perhaps the other person supports them by always being available to talk over problems, or perhaps they help the native with tasks, errands, or transportation. If the Cancer North Node person begins to recognize the ways in which others are constantly expressing their commitment to them, their hearts will open to the flow of love and nurturing.
Along this same line, support them in asking others for help: “I need your help on this,” or “I sure would appreciate your help on something I’m working on.” They will be amazed at how quickly others respond with support. These people are learning the value of humility—asking for help, rather than trying to do everything for themselves. By being willing to receive help, they become more vulnerable and can more readily take in and experience the nurturing that is always available to them through their regular daily interactions with others.
Urge Them to Honor the Achievements of Others
Cancer North Node people are often so absorbed in their own lives, goals, and challenges that they fail to notice the strengths and accomplishments of those around them. They are learning to become more aware of others’ achievements—especially those of family members and others who are close—and recognize them. For example, if someone around them performs well, encourage them to TELL that person what a great job they did.
Since these natives love to be looked up to, you can also remind them that they will be setting a good example for others when they graciously acknowledge the strengths in another person. Point out to them that when they do openly value and honor the accomplishment of another, that person shines, because they are being acknowledged by someone who they sense really does “have it all together” in many ways. And when they deliberately go out of their way to give credit to another, and then take the time to tune in to the energy of the other person’s response, they begin to soften. This, in turn, can open the door to the possibility of building mutual respect and intimacy.
Habits to Discourage
Discounting feelings (their own or other people’s): Don’t allow this. Communicate objectively and without blame how YOU feel if they pull away when you talk about your feelings, or refuse to reveal their feelings. Also, this nodal group is learning the importance of apologizing when they hurt another person’s feelings, so point out to them when they owe you—or someone else—an apology.
Disrespecting others: When these people feel they have failed in some way, they tend to discount and/or disrespect the other person involved. Don’t allow them to get away with this. If they call someone a name or make a disparaging remark about another person, remind them that everyone is learning and growing—including them.
Responding from anxiety: These folks tend to respond to others without tuning in to what they are actually feeling, especially in an emotional situation. For instance, if someone hurts their feelings, they may strike out at them in an angry way before they even realize on an emotional level that they’re feeling hurt. Encourage them to slow down and find out what’s really going on for them emotionally before they respond to other people.
Leo North Node People
and North Node in the 5th House
SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS
Fairness
Honest rapport
A sense of equality
Not taking things personally
A genuine interest in others
Support
for others in manifesting their dreams
A friendly spirit
MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY
“I can’t take action until I have full knowledge of the ‘Big Picture.’”
“I don’t know what I want to do.”
“I don’t have enough passion to keep myself in the creative flow.”
“Other people are more special than I am.”
“I need to act in certain ways in order to please others.”
“No matter how much I give to others, they let me down.”
“I can’t get past my confusion and distraction.”
“If I become totally involved with anything or anyone, I’ll be trapped.”
COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS
“They go for the ‘quick fix’ to resolve emotional disturbances.”
“They don’t follow their heart and take risks.”
“They withhold emotional passion.”
“They don’t nurture specialness in others.”
“They aren’t generous.”
“They are distracted all the time.”
Heart vs. Head: Living a Passionate Life
Leo North Node people are gaining greater balance by learning to follow their heart and not just their head. They’re so busy being practical that they tend not to listen to their heart. In fact, they take pride in their non-emotional approach to life. One way Leo North Node people avoid involvement with their passions is to live in their minds—in their own world—and this is one of the things that gets them into trouble. Their allegiance is to their own thoughts, their sense of responsibilities, and their concept of right and wrong—which they make up! They may vehemently and righteously proclaim they “know” something just because they’ve done the research and it makes sense to them rationally. They can get stuck in their mental convictions, not allowing for input from others and neglecting to take into account anyone else’s personal experiences and knowledge. This blocks intimacy because it leads to others seeing them as arrogant, and it prevents them from getting to know anyone on a deep level.