by Jan Spiller
These people have a great awareness of self, and what they need to thrive on their own. This sabotages intimacy because they often don’t notice the ways in which others are willing to help and support them. For example, if they need carrots to survive, they take responsibility for obtaining the carrots they need every day. But if they hold the belief that they—only and always—have to fend for themselves, then there’s part of them that holds back in their relationships because they’re always concerned about having the time and energy they need to get their carrots. They may not even notice that their partner grows carrots and is willing to be responsible for providing them every day. They are learning to be aware of what others are offering them.
The habit of being preoccupied with being sure they’re always doing what’s best for them as an individual defeats the intimacy they seek. Others feel blocked from forming a true partnership with them because the native isn’t open to being supported, nor are they aware of the other person’s need for support. In fact, learning to share—especially in the context of daily interactions with family and friends—is one of the challenges for Libra North Node people. And this issue is further complicated by a lack of communication. For instance, if the native fears that the other person won’t meet their need in a particular situation, instead of disclosing the need to their partner, they may just go about meeting the need themselves. The other person doesn’t know what’s going on, but they feel uneasy because they can sense that the native is not revealing their true agenda. Learning to share is one of the challenges for Libra North Node people.
Another factor that damages their relationships is the belief that if they give another person what they want, that person might start expecting to get it, which could impinge on the native’s freedom in some way. For example, I have a Libra North Node client whose girlfriend likes to touch base and share about her day every evening. His response is that if he engages with her this way it takes time away from doing what he wants to do. Naturally, this attitude blocks intimacy, because the native is not giving any thought to supporting the other person’s harmony. They are learning how to experience the joy of wholeheartedly supporting another. Their sense of self is so strong that they can give fully, without fear of losing themselves.
However, until they become conscious, it can be very difficult for these people to go against their own instincts and do something other than what they want to do in the moment. Even if it’s something they know intellectually is not in their best interest—like smoking, drinking too much, womanizing—they have a hard time saying no to themselves. And if someone else tells them no—i.e., the doctor says: “Quit smoking”—it triggers their competitive sense of independence, and that thing is the very next thing they’re going to do. However, they also have abundant self-discipline and an overly developed survival instinct. So if they think of the bad habit as something that’s counterproductive to their survival, and that exercising their self-discipline in this area will promote their survival, they are likely to align with their best interests and overcome the self-sabotaging behavior.
Since Libra North Node people carry subconscious memories from past lives when they were totally self-sufficient, their first instinct is always to do what they want to do—regardless of their partner’s wishes. But the truth is that in this lifetime they are happiest when they are sharing with another. So if their partner doesn’t object when they want to do things independently, eventually the native will realize that, whatever the activity, it isn’t as much fun by themselves as they thought it would be. For instance, the Libra North Node husband of a client wanted to go off on his motorcycle for a week to “do his own thing.” Rather than resist him, I suggested she support him. When he got home, he said: “You know, I really missed you, and it was just too long to be away.” After that, each time he took a trip, he came home a little sooner.
These people are learning to be more aware of how they can work it out with their partner so that both people win and the door to intimacy can be opened. And when they relax their excessive focus on independence and start to give more wholeheartedly to others, they are able to feel the energy of appreciation coming back to them.
Overcoming the Habit of Self-Focus
Although being in relationships and having others to share things with is very important to Libra North Node people, they tend to have serious difficulties in this area. Partly this is due to their naive belief that others are attracted to people who “have it made” and “have it together,” which leads to an intense self-focus. They think that if they just maintain the proper image, others will want to be around them. They can have a lot of self-discipline, so this often translates into spending time and money to make sure they are attractive, keeping their body in shape, and presenting the appearance of “having it together”—no matter what.
These people are constantly aware of themselves. They are never just “with” another—part of them is always detached, observing themselves in relation to the other person. As the interaction progresses, they tune into their own reactions and whether or not they feel comfortable in the situation. There’s no real awareness of others, because they’re so focused on trying to sustain their relationships by constantly improving their image.
When there’s a disturbance in a relationship, their tendency is to immediately shift their attention to themselves. Their first thought is: “What can I do to be more attractive to the other person in order to eliminate this sense of distance?” Instead of focusing on their partner in order to discover the problem, they just work harder at maintaining their perfect image. However, in reality this actually blocks intimacy because—at the end of the day—it’s a narcissistic, superficial approach that actually repels others on a deeper level.
These natives are learning that a more effective approach to problems in their relationships is to focus outward and extend themselves to the other person with genuine caring and concern. Sometimes just the act of being interested in their partner—asking if something is bothering them and then really listening to their response—is enough to restore harmony. And although this is the path to intimacy and lasting success in relationships for Libra North Node people, it can take them a long time to get to this point because of the habit of being so self-centered. Even in their conversations with others, everything ends up relating back to them: “Oh, I had that too…” “A similar situation happened to me…” And when the native seems to be listening, often what they’re really doing is waiting for a chance to interject something that will put the spotlight back on themselves.
In fact, these people can be so totally self-absorbed and unaware of others that they sometimes demand attention and help from someone even when it’s clearly inappropriate. And if they don’t get the total energetic involvement they want from the other person, they may get angry. It doesn’t occur to them that they might be taking advantage of the other person’s time and energy, or interrupting their plans—and then they wonder why they get rebuffed!
On a deep level, Libra North Node people long to share and enjoy one-on-one relationships. But they want to share something that will make them happy and won’t put them out too much. They want to bring others into their world, yet selfishly resist stepping into the other person’s world and doing what they want to do. This blocks intimacy, because the other person feels unseen and unimportant, and over time, they may become resentful that they have to constantly abandon their own direction to feed energy to the native. Libra North Node people are learning the importance of establishing a true sense of reciprocity in their relationships.
Even when these natives do seem to be putting another person first, it often has to do with them getting what they want. The native may be considerate of the other person in one situation in order to manipulate things so they can get their way in another situation. Others feel this, and it’s hurtful. Their partner doesn’t feel loved and supported for who they are, because on some level it�
�s still all about the native.
Experiencing True Awareness of Others
Even when Libra North Node people are with others, their awareness of themselves is always in the foreground. As a result, they don’t see others clearly. They may see the other person’s talents—the things about them that make them shine—but they’re not aware of them on a personal level. They’re not interested in extending their energy in order to discover who others really are—where they’re coming from, what motivates them, their inner qualities, or how they view themselves in terms of their own strengths and weaknesses. Instead, these natives try to stay inside themselves, even while they are relating. This makes the other person want to shake them: “Wake up! I’m a person too!” But the native is generally just not in tune with other people’s feelings and sensitivities.
Obviously, not recognizing where others are coming from blocks intimacy. And those who are involved with the Libra North Node person will continue to feel controlled and taken advantage of until the native starts learning to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. This will help them to recognize that others also have their own goals, and ways in which they wish to spend their time. If the native wants energy from someone, they have to give back and establish a natural flow of reciprocity.
It’s not that these folks don’t care about others, it’s just that they don’t know that it should be any different. They think that everyone else is just like them: walking around totally self-contained, doing their own thing. They are learning that if their partner indicates that they’re unhappy, it’s a signal for the native to be more sensitive, listen to them, and find out how to better support them. They shouldn’t assume that the other person doesn’t want to be seen as not being self-sufficient—for instance, if their partner is sad, the native may leave the room so they won’t embarrass them. Or they focus on themselves: “I’ll lose ten pounds, buy some new clothes or a new car, and then I’ll be more attractive to my partner.”
Until they become conscious, people from this nodal group resist going out of their way to support others, and are lax about giving their partner what they need in order to feel harmonious. For example, I have a client who really enjoys signs of physical affection. His Libra North Node wife will occasionally walk by and touch his arm or become more physically caring when he complains enough, but then she goes right back to her usual state of non-awareness. Another client has a new home and three young children. She would like her Libra North Node father to visit on a regular basis to spend time with his grandkids, but he comes only rarely. He has many excuses: “I have to bring my other granddaughter and she gets bored;” “I can’t stand the traffic,” etc.
The truth is that he could miss the traffic if he got up earlier—and he would do it if it involved his job. But he won’t go out of his way to visit his daughter in order to show her that he cares and to make her happy. This attitude blocks intimacy, because the other person feels hurt and resentful. They can sense that when the native does give them what they want, it’s only because they feel they “have to”—not because they genuinely want to contribute to them.
This lack of awareness that prevents them from accurately seeing others and responding to them appropriately can lead to distressing—and even dangerous—situations. For instance, one Libra North Node dad took his three young daughters skiing. But he took them on a hill that was way too hard for them, because he wanted to ski it. They were only six, eight, and nine, and they were terrified—crying and screaming all the way down.
For the native, the absence of an accurate perception of who the other person is can lead to unexpected betrayal. For example, Libra North Node people very rarely lie. If you ask them a direct question, they will give you an honest answer. Since they project this quality onto others, they always trust what the other person says—and sometimes they shouldn’t. They take the other person at face value rather than expending the time and energy to discover their actual identity.
Due to this habit of projection, these folks don’t really have a true picture of the other person, so they can’t accurately assess the situation if problems arise. When a small behavior belies their beliefs about someone, they tend to rationalize it instead of checking it out to see what’s going on. They explain away anything that’s inconsistent with their projected image, then they’re surprised and hurt when someone betrays or leaves them. Their projections also block intimacy because there’s no room for the other person to share who they really are. The native has already “filled in all the blanks” from their own perspective.
Libra North Node people are learning to take an “empathetic voyage” into the other person so they can really understand them. Then they will have accurate information with which to more correctly interpret the other person’s behavior and avoid unpleasant shocks. They will also know how to better support the other person in ways that make them feel truly valued and create acknowledgment and appreciation for the native.
Expanding Beyond Self—Appreciating Others
Most Libra North Node people get a tremendous thrill from perilous activities that challenge their survival skills. It gives them a feeling of pride and heightens their self-esteem when they conquer these types of situations. On an unconscious level, these activities—racing motorcycles, climbing perilous mountains, etc.—push them past the stagnant energy created by their habitual focus on self and expand the boundaries of their emotional body. However, in terms of their relationships, it can keep their focus on themselves; others may feel excluded because the native usually wants to meet these challenges on their own.
These folks are afraid that if they include someone else in these pursuits they will lose the stimulating sense of vitality that gets activated in their life, or that it will diminish the thrill of individual achievement. And while it’s true that sharing these experiences with another will change the energy, it is also likely that the adventures others expose them to will broaden their horizons in altogether new directions.
For example, I have a Libra North Node client who loves to combine foreign travel with hiking, and his girlfriend also enjoys these activities. He was attracted to a hiking trip in northern Spain, while his girlfriend wanted to go on a hike in Bulgaria. Consciously going against his habitual reaction, my client took a risk and agreed to his girlfriend’s choice. Later he realized that he had been attracted to northern Spain because there was a certain energy about that trip that was similar to what he’d always done before. So sharing his girlfriend’s destination gave him the opportunity to expand into an adventure with different energy and have a totally new experience.
These opportunities to expand beyond their current boundaries—and enjoy the revitalizing energy this brings—present themselves on a daily basis. In order to be aware of them, the native only needs to begin learning to pay attention to others and be willing to explore the options they bring. Even something as simple as dining out can broaden their horizons. For instance, they might let a friend choose an ethnic restaurant in an unfamiliar part of town, and have a remarkable adventure. Just by taking time to find out about another’s world, they can learn new things that allow them to access different dimensions of their individuality and gain a clearer sense of their place in the world.
However, until Libra North Node people see the light, they tend to be so self-absorbed that they don’t even notice others, much less listen to their input. This is also why they usually aren’t giving other people the attention they need. They can focus on themselves for hours, but focusing on their partner usually feels like “work” to them. In a group, they may even forget to introduce their spouse to others. Such a lack of appreciation and consideration for the other person blocks intimacy and undermines their relationships. The other person feels like they’re always in the background—excluded, unprotected, and unimportant.
In addition, these natives don’t usually acknowledge others for who they ARE—only for what they DO
. They notice if their child achieves good grades, their friend has a specific talent that allows them to shine, their spouse experiences success on the job, or their business partner makes a lot of money. But often they DON’T notice when these people need their support. As a result, the people in their lives don’t feel “seen” or cared about. They may sense that the native doesn’t know and love them for who they really are, which makes them feel lonely and disconnected. And until Libra North Node people learn to expand their emotional boundaries so they are capable of seeing and appreciating the individuality of others, they will continue to have partners leave them.
A good example of how these dynamics come together to block intimacy involves a client and her Libra North Node boyfriend as they were climbing a very challenging mountain. When they had almost reached the summit, my client couldn’t go any farther without a rest. But her boyfriend wasn’t willing to wait to experience the thrill of completion, so he went on ahead. At the top he found a group of other climbers who were having a party to celebrate their achievement, so he joined them. Hours later my client finally made the summit. Her partner immediately congratulated her and gave her a lot of praise for rising to the challenge—then he turned back to his new friends without even introducing her! Finally fed up with his narrow self-focus, my client ended the relationship when they returned home, much to his surprise and sorrow.