by Jan Spiller
If these people don’t identify and respect their personal limits and end up giving their power to their partner, it blocks intimacy, because one essential ingredient—equality—no longer exists. The native realizes they are too vulnerable—they lose respect for themselves, and their partner loses respect for them. Then the other person often becomes selfish because they know the native will put up with their bad behavior. Over time, this can become a downward spiral where the native tends to let their partner “get away” with things more and more, manipulate them, take advantage of them, and treat them abusively. The relationship is also damaged in other ways. For instance, because they feel so vulnerable, the native withdraws their emotional energy and can no longer be truly present with their partner.
Virgo North Node people become very weak if they allow a situation of emotional abuse to develop. A co-dependency emerges where the other person needs the native to build them up, and the native feels that their partner is holding them up. Sometimes this situation activates a dormant capacity within the native to love in an unhealthy, sacrificial way, which if left unchecked almost takes on the dynamics of an S&M relationship.
These people are learning that, in this lifetime, the right action is the path of creating healthy, productive outcomes by honoring their personal limits and taking practical action, rather then immersing themselves in emotions of the situation. In fact, if they really care about someone, they will step forward and help them heal their bad behaviors. For instance, if their girlfriend steps on their foot, rather than simply letting it go because it was unintentional, it’s better for them to say: “You stepped on my foot and it hurt!” This gives the other person an opportunity to notice their careless behavior and how it affects the native.
Another issue is that Virgo North Node people carry subconscious memories of past lives in monasteries and institutions where other people made the rules. As a result, they experience a lot of anxiety because they feel like they can only bring order to their world under the auspices of someone else. In their primary relationship, they think their partner will set the rules and the routine, and that if they follow “the plan” and are “perfect” in front of the other person, their partnership will be successful.
These people are learning that, in reality, they have to organize their own world and set their own routines, but they have the fear that their relationship can’t work until everything is in “perfect” order. One way past this block is for them to analyze what needs to happen in just one area of their life, and write it down so that it becomes tangible. This will allow them to make a plan to get that particular piece in order. Then, as long as they are on track implementing their plan, they will feel good about themselves and can be more available to create intimacy with their partner from a position of equal power.
Until the native becomes willing to actively participate in their own life to create positive outcomes, they tend to give in to their fears and anxiety—which can manifest in different ways. They may become domineering, avoid difficult situations, become a hypochondriac, or play the victim role. Also, due to their innate shyness and lack of confidence born of past life isolation, they may refuse to socialize. This denies their mate the pleasure of doing things with other couples, and it creates stress and resentment when they have to make excuses for the native’s absence in social situations. All these ways of dealing with their inner panic are very demanding on their partner, so it supports intimacy in their relationship when the native takes action to heal their anxieties by learning techniques for dealing with situations that are daunting to them.
Virgo North Node people face other blocks to intimacy that stem from their incarnational history. For instance, in past lives they developed the ability to help others and heal difficult situations by going off alone and sending positive energy. But this technique has no power for them in this lifetime—and when it doesn’t work they are puzzled and surprised. Now they are learning that if the other person complains that their feet are cold, the native needs to bring them a pair of warm socks rather than send them positive thoughts. They will find that tangible, practical demonstrations of caring will go a long way toward opening the doors of appreciation and intimacy with their partner.
Another challenge is that the native’s fear of rejection may prevent them from authentically communicating their wants and needs to their partner. They are so sensitive that often they provide what their partner wants and needs without the other person having to ask, and subconsciously the native expects their partner to do the same for them. Unfortunately, even though it doesn’t work (since few others are as tuned in as they are), they tend to hold on to their expectation rather than taking responsibility for communicating directly. They are learning that it is only by asking for what they want that they can discover whether or not they can count on their partner to give it to them. If their partner responds positively, they are in a position to give the energy of happy gratitude back to their partner. Without this reciprocity of giving and receiving, a couple can’t grow together—so they are more likely to drift apart.
The tendency to respond defensively to the feedback of others is another block to intimacy for Virgo North Node people. Until they become conscious of this trait, these natives hate to have their behavior judged and corrected—especially by their partner—even though they are very good at helping others change in constructive ways. This makes it difficult for their partner to feel close and trusting, because they never know how the native is going to react to their input. Most of the time the native’s defensive posture is to withdraw, but sometimes they lash out in ways that are unexpectedly harsh. The other person ends up feeling that they can’t be themselves—that they have to “walk on eggshells” in order to avoid provoking a defensive reaction. And if the native is not open to their feedback, the other person is forced to constantly accommodate their fears and phobias rather than being able to help them achieve permanent solutions.
The only way out of this dilemma is to create a context—such as couples counseling—where mutual self-improvement is the defined task. Then the native can better manage his anxiety because “that’s the work that’s being done” and it’s not personal. Counseling is hugely grounding for these people and is highly recommended, either on their own or with their partner.
Until these natives find some way to overcome their fear and allow their partner to facilitate their process of self-examination and ground it in reality, the other person can’t be honest with them or help them correct individual self-sabotaging patterns—so these patterns continue to undermine their relationships. This lifetime they are learning to welcome the helpful input of others regarding their behaviors so they can also heal and grow.
How Others Can Help Them Heal
Help Them to Focus on Something Tangible
When Virgo North Node people are confused or seem to be adrift in a sea of anxiety and inaction, give them a problem to solve or a task to do and they will quickly be back on a productive course. Ask questions and encourage them to focus on the details of the situation at hand. This helps to calm their anxieties by focusing them to remain in the present moment. Then they are better able to see the bigger picture of what’s going on and make a plan to create the resolution they’re looking for.
Social situations are where these people are most likely to lose focus and become insecure and anxious, which is why they tend to shun parties and other social engagements. Encourage them to approach these gatherings with a plan of how they can be of service or make some kind of practical contribution. For instance, suggest that they offer to assist the host/hostess in the kitchen or by serving beverages to the guests. Or perhaps they could take it upon themselves to greet those who arrive unescorted. Reminding these folks to involve themselves in a clearly defined task automatically relieves their anxiety and allows them to feel comfortable while they gain confidence socially. They also feel good about themselves because they are demonst
rating unconditional Love through service.
Remind Them to Stay in the Here and Now
Virgo North Node people have had so many past lives in monasteries and other places that have been like “another world” that in this lifetime, they can be careless, forgetful, and unaware of their physical environment. To help them stay grounded, encourage them to suspend daydreaming and remain aware of the physical details of their environment—the landmarks on a driving trip, the taste and texture of the food they’re eating, or the colors of the flowers in the garden. By slowing down and becoming more aware of tangible details in the present moment, they are more likely to remember such things as locking the car door, not leaving their jacket in the restaurant, and being on time for their appointments.
Remind them to keep their focus OFF of themselves and how they are perceived, and on the other person. How can the native help others feel more confident and comfortable? In social situations, help them to notice the tangible, physical details, such as what others are wearing, the colors and decor in the room, the temperature, etc. Focusing on the PHYSICAL here-and-now aspects of the situation will automatically put them at ease within themselves.
Support Them in Establishing a Healthy Routine
Without a set routine of pre-planned activities, Virgo North Node people can easily drift into focusing too much on themselves, which results in anxiety and loss of confidence. Encourage them to take out a calendar and plan a routine that includes both the activities they need to do and those they would like to do, and schedule them at least a week in advance so that each day has some structure. For example, they need to include some form of regular exercise in their routine. It could be a long walk every Wednesday and Saturday—both the form of exercise and the number of days would depend on their individual lifestyle and goals. The most important part is that it’s scheduled on a regular basis.
These people also benefit from regular meal times and set times for going to bed and getting up in the morning. If they need more social activity, suggest that dinner or a movie with a friend could be part of their pre-planned weekly routine. Encourage them to gain a wider variety of interests to keep them occupied and create a more balanced life. Having a routine and sticking to it will go a long way in helping them stay grounded and confident, and prevent their tendency to become overly focused on one or two areas to the exclusion of other parts of their life.
Having an animal companion is another thing that is very healthy and enriching for Virgo North Node people. A pet gives them the experience of unconditional Love that they so deeply need, as well as providing a built-in routine of regular pet care. This provides an ongoing element of grounding for these people that is balancing for them psychologically. So if it is appropriate, encourage them to acquire an animal friend—perhaps being of service by adopting one from a local shelter.
Help Them to Deal with Anxiety by Creating Structure
Virgo North Node people are not comfortable with spontaneity. Without a plan they are likely to become fearful and confused. So if they are feeling anxious about something—going to a social event or interacting with another person—help them create a plan that can give them the confidence and reassurance they find with structure. For example, if you are attending a party together, let them know in advance how long you want to stay, your intention in attending the event, and what you would like to accomplish while you’re there. When they have a plan and a purpose for going, they will likely feel much more confidant.
To help provide the structure they need, encourage them to make a list in the morning to plan their day. If there is an area where they feel insecure (for example: their finances, or a health issue), encourage them to take immediate practical action to check things out on a factual level. When they gain more data and can analyze the situation, their confidence is restored.
Structure also gives them confidence in their personal relationships. Let them know where you are going and when you plan to be back, and call them in advance of your return to let them know you’re on your way. All these things help to relax their internal anxiety and put them at ease.
Encourage Them to Keep Their Attention on Creating Productive Results
Encourage the native to respond to feelings of anxiety by intentionally focusing on how to create a practical, positive outcome—whatever the situation. If they think they don’t have enough information to take action, remind them that they can ask for more tangible details about what is going on. This will relax their anxiety and empower them. For example, if they are worried about a pain in their left side and their imagination is coming up with an endless list of possible diseases, encourage them to see a doctor. A sensible hands-on approach works wonders for them.
If they are worried about not being able to handle their bills, suggest that they make a list of their monthly expenses. Putting everything on paper helps them see things realistically, and they will ENJOY the process, as it will help restore their sense of being in charge. If they are worried about their job, encourage them to approach their boss for a reality check, but remind them to keep their focus on the job itself. For instance, they could say: “I really enjoy working for you and like my job. Is there any area that I need to focus on in order to improve our results?”
Habits to Discourage
Isolation as a way of dealing with anxiety or fear: These people have a self-sabotaging tendency to withdraw from perceived confrontations. Remind them that setting personal limits and saying no are ways of being of service to others. It gives the other person accurate information about the native, and helps them to learn the importance of not overriding another person’s boundaries.
Having “blind faith” in friends or lovers: Discourage their tendency to trust others indiscriminately. Remind them to notice how a person treats others because that is also the way they will treat the native. Encourage them to stay in touch with reality and accept the consistency of the behavior of others.
Indulging in victim thinking: Playing the victim role will not work for these people in this lifetime. Do not go along with them when they indulge in blaming others or feeling sorry for themselves. Do encourage them to make a positive, practical plan for their current circumstances.
Libra North Node People
and North Node in the 7th House
SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS
Independence
Authenticity
A motivating influence
Directness
High energy
A courageous spirit
Self-discipline
MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY
“Independence and autonomy support my survival.”
“By keeping myself in good physical shape, I will attract the perfect partner.”
“If I commit to a partner, I will lose my integrity.”
“If I give others what they want, it could interfere with my doing what I want to do.”
“I have to be solely responsible for taking care of my own needs.”
“I can only depend on myself and my own wits to survive.”
“What I instinctively feel is ‘right for me’ is most always correct.”
“I must always be aware of myself, even when I am with others.”
COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS
“They are always holding part of themselves back.”
“They’re selfish.”
“Although I know they love me, I don’t feel it on an emotional level.”
“They don’t care about what others need to feel harmonious.”
“They aren’t willing to compromise their position.”
“They are stingy with their time and energy.”
Relaxing Self-Sabotaging Independence
Due to many past lives as warriors, Libra North Node people place a high value on individual strength. Warriors n
ever show fear or reveal their vulnerability. Subconsciously, in this lifetime they still believe that independence and autonomy are necessary for their survival, and that self-reliance is always their strongest position. The image they convey to others is also very important to them. They think they have to look good and stay in control. So if they are having a problem, they will most likely pull back into themselves to handle it. They don’t want others to know what’s going on because they’re afraid they will be seen as weak or incompetent.
These natives unknowingly sabotage themselves with this excessive independence by shutting out those who would be able and willing to support them. They can be so preoccupied with their image, others don’t really know who they are. Since the other person only sees the superficial, “have it together” facade, they can’t relate to the native in any meaningful way. And the native knows that there’s part of themselves they are hiding, so they aren’t able to be with the other person 100 percent.
Until they become aware of this pattern, it creates tension and blocks intimacy, because these folks aren’t allowing themselves to be vulnerable with anyone. For example, a Libra North Node client was having a tough time at his new job. Normally, he would have tried to work things out on his own rather than risk “appearing weak” by telling his partner about his difficulties. However, he chose to share his frustration with her, and, to his surprise, rather than thinking less of him, she responded by being totally supportive. This interaction was very healthy and healing for him, and it fostered intimacy in the relationship because it allowed his partner to feel included in his world.
Another area where an exaggerated sense of independence creates distance in their relationships has to do with their definition of “integrity.” To Libra North Node people, “integrity” and “being true to themselves” means always doing what they think is right for them—regardless of the circumstances. The native doesn’t believe they can take anyone else’s needs into account and still maintain their own integrity. In fact, they often feel that they have to assert themselves to avoid being dominated by others’ demands. As a result, they may speak in a loud voice or use a lot of intense energy to get their point across. From their warrior lifetimes, they have subconscious competitive energy: “dominate or be dominated.”