by Jan Spiller
Creating Resolution Through Deep Listening and Honest Self-Revelation
Sagittarius North Node people tend not to listen deeply to others. Instead, they try to keep things on a superficial level of temporary mental rapport, and as a result, significant issues in their relationships are often missed. Because they base everything on logic, these folks think there is no such thing as a permanent resolution because there are always new facts coming in. As a result, they tend to go along with others even when they’re not really convinced.
They don’t think they can find a solution by discussing an upset—both people telling the truth of what they experienced with the idea of creating a positive solution that brings both parties a sense of completion. For one thing, they don’t believe that others will tell them the truth. They think that if they share what they’re experiencing, the other person will just get defensive and invalidate their perception: “No, I’m not giving her more attention than you,” “No, she’s not more important to me than you are.” So they don’t usually take the risk. Instead, they handle differences so that they seem to be resolved on the surface, but nothing gets solved on a deeper level.
For instance, the native may communicate their ideas and then make sure that the other person understands them; and the other person communicates their ideas and makes sure the native understands them—but then they both walk away without any resolution. Or the native has an idea and shares it with their family. The others listen and say: “Yeah, okay.” The native can tell they don’t really agree, but doesn’t say anything—so again, nothing gets decided.
I have a Sagittarius North Node client who has two business partners. He’s always arguing with the founding partner, and the third partner is the balance point. My client and the founding partner present their views—which are usually polar opposites. Then the third partner says: “Okay, this is what you’re saying, and this is what you’re saying…and I think this is the best choice”—and then they vote. Even though the first two partners listen to each other, and each truly understands the other’s ideas, without that third partner, very little would ever be resolved or accomplished. These people are learning to look for that “third point of Truth”—whether it’s a third person’s opinion or a new idea that is better than either of the original plans.
Especially with those who are close, the native’s belief that if both people stay “on the same page” and “understand” each other, arguments can be avoided and the relationship will endure leaves the relationship flat. If either person goes along with something that wasn’t truly a mutually agreed on resolution, it blocks intimacy on several levels. Instead of both people wholeheartedly embracing a plan or feeling excited about a new idea, it’s more like a pseudo resolution—there’s no sense of closure or accomplishment.
The native may act out of their habit of “letting things go” to keep things light. Their partner may go along as a result of the native’s manipulation. Whatever the reasons, over time, just accepting ideas rather than coming into alignment on a more profound level can lead the partner to think that the native doesn’t care enough about them to be willing to really work things out. And the native may think that since the partner doesn’t force the issue, they don’t care about really working it out either. So when issues come up, neither person is likely to trust the other to be honestly invested in resolving them. Their partner is left with a feeling of not really being deeply understood or cared about, which reduces the vital energy in the relationship. And when the underlying issues are never really dealt with, they eventually come up again.
In order for Sagittarius North Node people to achieve a permanent resolution they feel truly satisfied with, two factors must be present: honesty and directness. If they become angry and don’t share their true thoughts and feelings with the other person, the issue can never really be resolved. So the first step is for them to get in touch with what they really think and feel in the situation so that they’re operating from a higher plane than facts and logic alone. And the second step is to deeply listen to the other person.
For example, a Sagittarius North Node client encountered a difficult situation in his company when it was time to promote someone to a management position. He thought one person was the right choice, but the second partner wanted to promote someone else. When the third partner agreed with the second partner, my client didn’t feel good about the decision. However, instead of saying nothing, this time he went to the second partner and discussed it with him at length. His partner shared more about the specific position that was available and the reason why person A was a better fit than person B—from the standpoint of charisma and personality rather than experience and education—and pointed out why this position required a person who was an innate leader. Once my client listened deeply to his partner’s thoughts and allowed himself to experience the energy of his partner’s belief, it affected him on a feeling level. Then he was able to understand the bigger picture and come into alignment with the decision.
Equally important, he didn’t discount his own ability to read situations and other people with amazing accuracy, nor his intuition about the right thing to do and say in order to prevent negative repercussions in this circumstance. His intuitive awareness of the other candidate’s reaction prompted him to tell his partner: “Now that I’ve listened to your reasoning I think your choice for manager is correct. But promise me you’ll have a positive talk with the other person. Tell him how you view his future in the company, and advise him about what steps he should take next. If you leave him hanging, you risk losing him.”
This whole process was a huge personal victory for my client. He honored his own discomfort, took the time to listen deeply to where his partner was coming from, and acted on his intuition regarding the needs of the other candidate. And for the first time, he was able to experience the sense of satisfaction, completion, and peace of mind that comes from creating true resolution with another, rather than simply achieving temporary superficial accord. As an added benefit, the interaction also created greater intimacy between him and his partner, which will allow them to work together with more cooperation and trust in the future.
For Sagittarius North Node people, taking the risk to speak the truth of what they are feeling is crucial—not only in resolving specific situations, but in terms of living a happy and fulfilling life. For example, I had a relative with this nodal position who was nearing death and still felt deeply angry with her ex-husband. She blamed him for the years she had spent feeling trapped in a loveless marriage, only to have him leave her for another woman. I told her: “You’ve been through so much—you don’t want to die without finding out what the lesson is for you here.”
A week later I received a call saying she wanted to see me. When I entered, the light she was emitting filled her hospital room with brilliance. She had a smile on her face and looked more peaceful than I had seen her in years. She said: “Janny, I finally saw the truth. All I had to do back then was tell my husband that I didn’t love him anymore and he would have let me go.”
And that is an important lesson for Sagittarius North Node people. All they have to do is reveal their inner truth—in spite of their fears of what the consequences will be—and a positive path will begin to emerge for them.
Establishing Vital Connections by Honoring the Reality of Others
Sagittarius North Node people tend to only hear their own voice about the right way to live. For instance, a client said about her Sagittarius North Node husband: “He talks constantly. Sometimes I can’t even get a word in.” Since he’s always talking about his own problems, interests, and ideas, she doesn’t feel like he ever listens to her. This makes the other person feel unimportant—like their problems and thoughts are insignificant compared to the native’s—and often they just start withdrawing.
If the partner feels that the native doesn’t really “see” them and thinks that if they fully reveal them
selves they won’t be accepted, naturally they don’t risk initiating any meaningful communication. As a result, intimacy is blocked and the native’s relationships become very superficial, centered on the business of daily life rather than encompassing the aspect of wisdom. When the native is always invested in keeping things light and superficial and others respond in kind, the whole deeper fiber of the other person—what’s important to them, their beliefs, and what gives their life meaning—is kept back. This undermines the relationship by blocking a deeper level of connection, growth, and vitality. For the native, it blocks the possibility of both intimacy and personal growth, because they are really just relating to their own thoughts rather than to the other person.
For example, one of my clients was going to paint her living room and asked her Sagittarius North Node friend’s opinion, saying: “I think I would like burgundy.” The native said: “Oh, no, I think you should go more toward brown.” My client answered: “I don’t want brown—it’s not a ‘comfort color’ for me.” But her friend said: “I think you’re going in the wrong direction. You should just get a little container of brown and try it.”
The native didn’t really take in or address what my client was saying. If she had, she could have responded with: “Okay, well, instead of brown or burgundy, how about ____?” The best solution for this nodal group always comes through really hearing and respecting the other person’s view, stating their own view, and then being silent until a “third insight” presents itself—often through their own intuition.
These people tend to listen on a superficial level, often not hearing what is really significant to others in terms of their own personal truth. If the other person’s input is within the native’s familiar dimension of logic, then they can hear and acknowledge it. But if it’s in a foreign dimension—like how a color feels to someone—they often miss what the other person is really saying by only listening to the logic of their specific words.
When the native does tap into their curiosity and explores another’s dimension, it not only helps them to better understand the other person, it expands their own intellectual world as well. And when they don’t take this extra step, it blocks intimacy because the other person feels that the native doesn’t care about understanding them on a deeper level. Eventually their partner may give up and find someone else they can connect with in a more meaningful way.
Sagittarius North Node people can be very assertive. They know what they need and like, and they assume that what they need is what everyone else needs too. In fact, they can’t fathom why other people don’t think like they do. If someone disagrees with them, that person is obviously wrong. These natives aren’t always open to discussions that go beyond the realm of their own brand of logic.
Although the native thinks they know what everyone else needs, often their judgment is way off, because it’s based on how they perceive reality and the other person. What’s actually important to their partner in order to grow and feel vital and fulfilled is not even acknowledged by the native. Even when giving time, energy, or gifts, the native may not take into account what it is that the other person really likes and wants. They are learning to go beyond the level of striving for temporary acceptance in the moment, to a deeper level of truly listening to the concerns of the other person.
If these people ever hope to create intimacy in their relationships, they need to learn—and accept—that it’s normal for others to have individual needs that are different from their own. For example, the wife of a Sagittarius North Node client sometimes wants to go out to see a movie by herself. She needs some time alone, and he doesn’t understand that. It blocks intimacy if the native doesn’t support their partner or help fulfill their needs—or even recognize what they are. The other person ends up feeling unseen and invalidated.
When they gain awareness and begin listening to the TRUTH of what is REALLY IMPORTANT to the other person, and inviting them to truly reveal themselves, the Sagittarius North Node person will have the opportunity to glimpse the process they are learning on a Soul level and that others already know. They will see how one’s inner Truth can be honestly revealed through integrity of expression in a way that leads to greater peace of mind, deeper connections with others, and a higher level of resolution for everyone involved.
By deeply listening and allowing others to reveal their truth, the native will feel more confident in revealing their own inner truth. In this way, the intimacy of authenticity and mutual acknowledgment can be shared, and the path to resolving deeper needs will become apparent. Then the effort of the continual manipulation required to maintain temporary mental accord with the other person will no longer be necessary. This allows both people to grow, and peace and security—based on inner Truth—can emerge as the underlying foundation for the relationship.
Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships
Sagittarius North Node people feel insecure in their primary relationship unless they receive constant positive feedback. The native usually needs daily verbal communication so they can feel assured that their image in their partner’s eyes is still secure. They want to know how their partner feels about them. They want to tell their partner how they feel about them.
This insecurity creates a preoccupation with wondering where they stand with their partner: “Does he still love me? Is he still attracted to me? Is he going to be around tomorrow? Is he seeing somebody else? How valuable am I in his life?” The native wants this information NOW—they’re not willing to allow the answers to unfold naturally in the course of the relationship. And since they don’t want to ask their partner these questions directly, this leads to a lot of manipulation and game playing. For instance, if the native feels insecure because they think their partner doesn’t see them as valuable enough, they may try to change their partner’s perception by giving them the silent treatment or threatening to start seeing other people.
They so much want the other person to say: “I’m crazy about you. Stay with me forever.” And if they don’t, the native may get anxious and do something that ends up undermining the relationship. For example, they may threaten to leave just to see if their partner will come after them and declare their feelings. They think that’s the only way they’re going to get a true reaction. But actually, when they say they’re leaving, the other person is likely to react like a child who is terrified of rejection and abandonment—shaken to the core.
Their partner may also be angry with the native for triggering such an intense childhood fear—and that alone can sabotage the relationship. Or it may indeed create a tighter bond, but it’s an unhealthy one based on trickery. Their partner may cling to the native, but it’s not a true reflection of their feelings about the native—it’s just because they don’t want to be abandoned. And when the native plays these games, it blocks the development of true mutual affinity, because neither the native nor their partner are getting to know each other’s authentic self.
However, from the native’s point of view it’s not subterfuge. They think they’re just doing what they have to do in order to find out where they stand with their partner. “Does he love me or doesn’t he? He’s not telling me, so I’ll test it.” But this blocks intimacy because then it’s no longer really a relationship—the native has turned it into an experiment. And if the experiment shows that they can feel secure with their partner, then they tend to start treating the other person differently. Unconsciously, the native thinks: “I know that he’ll fall apart if I leave—so now I can manipulate him.” But this damages the relationship because the other person feels exposed and controlled, and the trust so necessary for healthy intimacy to develop is compromised.
All of this insecurity and manipulation stems from the native’s basic lack of belief in positive outcomes—and lack of patience. These people are learning to trust that life wants them to be happy, and if they simply behave ethically and allow the relationship to unfold naturally, they will be
able to see whether or not the other person is right for them. They are learning to develop the patience to allow the process to unfold, taking the other person’s timing into account as well as their own.
Once they are in an established relationship, Sagittarius North Node people feel the need to call their significant other at least once a day, and they tend to talk a lot to make sure that they and their partner stay “on the same page.” They fear that if they don’t connect with their partner daily they may lose them. However, this may give their partner the impression that the native doesn’t want them to be close to anyone but them. This extra contact brings the native temporary peace of mind, but it’s also a way of controlling how they are seen by the other person. Their behavior is calculated to make their partner feel secure and to see the native as responsible and caring. But this process can also block intimacy if it’s too calculating and not based on the native truly feeling that they want to connect.
Sagittarius North Node people also have the idea that if they keep things light, the other person will be happy in the relationship and will stay. Consequently, they may forgo any deeper discussion and focus entirely on maintaining a kind of temporary mental accord. If the other person broaches any kind of upset—revealing a deeper need that’s not being met or a preference that goes against the status quo of the relationship—the native may try to use logic to talk them out of their discontent. Or they might temporarily appease their partner’s needs until happiness is restored, and then continue to focus only on keeping the mood light and happy.