Us After You

by Claudia Burgoa

I’m sorry for all the hardship. I always tried to be better, but I never followed through with it.

  You might be asking yourself why I chose you …

  Nana would be the best choice. She’s not, though, because she’s going to have a dozen children with The Speedman. Why add five more to her load?

  Ethan might marry some stuck-up bitch or an asshole—he doesn’t know how to choose partners.

  Zeke is just as fucked up as I am and maybe he died before me. You are so fucking responsible, and if someone can look after my children, it’s you.

  I trust you with my life. No one will be better fit to raise my children than you. Sienna is leaving her sister as the other guardian. She’s a little damaged—bad marriage, a miscarriage, and shitty parents. But she’s a good person, just like you.

  Thank you for everything, bro.

  Rocco

  (Patrick Rokus)

  P. S. Fitz said this is an unconventional guardianship and that the state might make it difficult, but he’s a kick ass lawyer and he’ll make this happen.

  41

  Tucker

  I glance up at the horizon. We’re surrounded mostly by water, and honestly, I wish I could just jump on the boat with Mae and disappear. I’ve been in a custody battle before. My adoptive mother fighting the Deckers for me.

  While my adoptive father—her ex-husband—relinquished his right because he had a new family.

  Stepping into a room full of people, who just fight for you because they claim to love you and know what’s best for you, isn’t something I want for Mae.

  She deserves better.

  A family who loves her and not a bunch of litigations where someone decides who gets the baby because her parents died.

  Fucking, Rocco. Why … but I can’t ask what I already know. He was sick. Too sick to continue or to be saved.

  Am I the right person to take charge of Mae’s life?

  My real father didn’t want me. I don’t even know who the guy is for that matter. My mother pushed me away, claiming it was for the best.

  “What’s going on?” My father, Tristan, approaches.

  I shrug. “Family isn’t for me, and he left her to me. Why not Hannah?”

  “He had his reasons. But there are options if you think you can’t do this,” he says, and the tone enrages me because he’s baiting me, trying to make me think.

  “She’s not mine,” I tell him.

  “Why, because your DNA isn’t part of her making? Interesting.” He shrugs. “Technically, I only have three children: Grey, Kip, and Winnie. Not six. Yet, I love you all, because fatherhood and family are more than donating your junk to create life.”

  “He quit,” I tell him. “He gave up on life and handed me his child, like she wasn’t worthy of him.”

  I look at Mae, who’s asleep and breathing softly.

  “He was sick.” I hear Mom’s voice before I see her. Next to her is my father, Matt.

  He extends his arms toward me, and reluctantly, I give him Mae. “Welcome to the family, sweetheart,” he whispers, before cradling her. “Fuck, I won. I’m a grandfather before Ainsley or Jacob.”

  “You’re ridiculous,” Tristan says, rolling his eyes and hugging him sideways. “But I love you, babe.”

  Ignoring them, Mom continues, “Rocco never found peace. He never changed those destructive patterns, nor did he learn to find coping mechanisms to handle the stress. He always reacted to difficult situations and to emotions in a self-destructive way. He looked for comfort in drugs.

  “Unfortunately, that’s what happens when you grow up with an addict. Instead of chicken soup, you crave the next fix. I know because that’s what happened to me. Mom had vodka for breakfast. The asshole who raised me was even worse. You’ll never forgive me for finding you a family who could do better than me. But when I look at you, I’m glad I kept you away from harm—from me. That you choose Dr. Pepper instead of meth when you’re stressed out.”

  Mom caresses Mae’s head and says, “That’s probably what Rocco did. In his head, he decided to stay away, so he wouldn’t taint someone so pure. I don’t approve of what he did, but I understand it.”

  “Why me?”

  “You’d do anything for those you love—anything. Even confess to a crime you never committed or put yourself in front of your uncle, so he doesn’t die. If I had the choice to leave my newborn with a man like you, I wouldn’t hesitate.”

  “You’d never regret giving me up, would you?”

  She shakes her head. “If that means saving you from the life I was living back then, I’d do it again and again. And I’ll never apologize for doing it either.”

  I want to be angry at her, the same way I am at Rocco, but I don’t have enough strength to do it, or maybe … yeah, that must be it, the lack of energy. There’s no other option.

  “It’s funny, how you offer someone a family, love, and unlimited support, but they refuse to receive it,” Matt says. “We’re still your parents. I’m not mad at you.”

  Before I can defend myself, Matt continues, “We told you he needed to be accountable. We’ve been worried this exact thing would happen. I was afraid you’d be finding him, or Zeke OD’d. It’s the worst shit that can happen to you, I know because I lived it.

  “Jacob and I weren’t close to your Uncle Porter, but we enabled him. He needed help, and we just looked the other way. I don’t lecture just for the fuck of it, I pass on my wisdom. You want to continue this fucking show where you ignore us. You’re free to do whatever you want. Just remember, we’re your parents, and we will be there when you need us.”

  “We’re taking her with us,” Mom says. “We’ll be in the nursery.”

  “Thank you,” I say.

  Matt and Mom walk away. Tristan shakes his head. “So much for not giving a fuck.” He chuckles.

  “Me?”

  “No, your dad. He said he wouldn’t even say a word to you. He’s so excited about being a grandfather. Who isn’t? She’s adorable.”

  I nod and tell him the similarities between Mae and Winter. Even the red tuff of hair on their little heads.

  “What are your options?” he asks.

  “It’d be pretty straight forward if the grandparents weren’t filing for custody,” I inform him.

  “I heard about it. We all did.”

  “How?”

  “The grandparents have been digging for information about Rocco since their daughter died,” he explains. “Since he worked for me, they sent an investigator. I asked Mason to look into it.”

  I barely know the Heywoods. They sent me the information for their company because they’re looking for an investor, but their numbers were pathetic. During the wedding, I avoided them as much as I could.

  “So, it’s worse than I’m thinking.”

  He nods.

  “They might assume Rocco has money—they need money. Their company is going under.”

  “You know them?” I ask.

  “As I said, we had our people do some research. Rocco might have been a pain in the ass, but indirectly, he’s family.”

  “They might care for her too,” I counteract.

  “Before you hand her over, because it seems like the easiest way to go back to your life, find out if they are a good fit for her.”

  I laugh. “I have to move back—at least until we figure something out.”

  “We?” he asks, frowning.

  “Sage,” I explain. “Mae’s aunt.”

  “So, she’s not here to take her to her parents?” he asks, and now I understand the attitude they gave her at the funeral.

  “Not that I know of. She wasn’t happy when she heard her parents were fighting for custody.”

  My throat goes dry as I think about what will happen if her parents convince her to take Mae to them. Rocco mentioned they’re shitty parents.

  “She hasn’t made up her mind, but I know she cares. We can work something out with the grandparents. They can see her often. I don’t want her to g
row up without knowing that part of herself. There’s always this emptiness.”

  “Your father?” he asks.

  I nod and say with a little annoyance, “How can she not know?”

  He pats my knee. “I think you’re old enough to know more. Her stepfather pimped her to Hollywood producers, directors … she was underage. That’s how she got the roles, how she supported her family, and their drug habit.”

  “That’s rape,” I protest, unease riding high. My chest constricts, my lungs deflate. “No wonder she didn’t want me.”

  “Fuck, Tucker, I swear if you twist this, I’m …” He exhales loudly.

  “But you’re telling me some asshole pig who … is my father.”

  “No, I’m your father. Matt is your father. We love you, and you saved her. I want you to understand that part, which is the one that matters the most. The moment she learned about you, she was saved. You love this little girl, right?”

  “With all my heart. Not sure why,” I respond.

  “If deep down you knew that giving her up would keep her safe, what would you do?”

  Protectiveness swells through every pore of my body. “I would do absolutely anything to keep her safe—even if that means…”

  He smiles and nods. “Breaking your heart and giving her up to someone who can do better than you.”

  I rub my face. “I …”

  I remember the letter my adoptive parent sent me at fourteen. The letter my biological mother gave them—and I memorized it by heart.

  Dear Tucker,

  When I was seventeen years old, I was a lost and scared kid who had had a hard life and no one to lean on for support. It took one miracle, a beautiful baby boy, to wake me up from the haze I’d been living in. One baby taught me there was more to life than what I had learned up to that point.

  The same baby boy taught me the power of true love. I loved you from the moment I realized you existed. I loved you so much, that when I was given options, I made the hardest decision in my life.

  I had to give my heart away if I wanted this baby boy, whom I loved so much, to have a future.

  The infinite love I have for you was the reason I had to find a good family for you. A loving couple who'd know how to care for you. The unconditional, overwhelming love I felt for you hasn't disappeared. It grows each and every day. I want you to know that I love you deeply.

  Letting you go was the best and worst decision I've ever made in my life. It still hurts not having you in my arms, not kissing you goodnight. But knowing someone does those things for you, that you have a wonderful mother and father who are capable of raising such a wonderful boy, soothes the pain of not having you.

  I hope someday we can meet. I want you to know that you have another family who, even though they haven't met you, love you and hope that, one day, you'll become part of them. Part of us.

  With much love,

  TD

  I’m not sure if there’s anyone better than me to care for Mae, but I can’t imagine my life without her. While I was in Colorado, I missed her, and I was dreading going to Europe and being away for another week.

  “We are your fathers. Matt and I. Just like you can be the father to that precious girl. Family has many definitions. Parenthood looks different for everyone.” He should know. Our family is unconventional and not many understand. However, they are loving, and all my siblings are happy. “We’re not a traditional family.”

  He shrugs, as if saying ‘but this is what you got, man.’ “But we’re here for you when you’re ready. No bullshit this time.”

  I open my mouth, “Dad…”

  “Do you need money for the lawyer?”

  “No. The company is doing well, and I’m sure the guys would pitch in if I needed. But thank you for …”

  “You’re doing great things. I’m proud of you, kid,” he says and walks away.

  Nana walks toward me in that exact moment. If I know her, she’s been lurking, waiting to pounce in my defense. Yet, far enough away so she can give me privacy.

  “What was that?” Hannah asks.

  “He’s proud of me.”

  “He loves you,” she assures me. “You’re his son.”

  “So they say,” I answer, without saying more.

  I’m not ready to think further, but it finally dawns on me. Everything. Not everything, just that life isn’t black and white. There’re many other colors, and I have to accept all of them.

  “Are you ready to come back?” she asks.

  “Do I have another option?” I retort.

  “There’s always a choice, an option, a getaway. I just hope you choose right.”

  “What are your thoughts?” I ask her. “Sage …”

  “Has demons—who doesn’t?”

  She hands me a letter, and I give her the one Rocco left me.

  Nana,

  I’m sorry. Fuck, I hate when you cry, and this time, I know I made you cry. I just couldn’t stay. You always asked me to do it for me. This one is for me, Nana. It might not make sense to you, but it does to me. I’m done.

  Maybe in another life, I’ll come back as one of your cats. Name him Rocco, okay, and give him catnip.

  Thank you for everything you’ve done. For loving me even when I was a fucked-up kid. I’m glad you found Alex. You might ask yourself why I chose Tuck and not you. Well, I’m hoping he and Sage can be my girl’s parents. He likes her—a lot. I’ve never seen him interested in anyone before. She needs a man like Tuck. She’s had a bad life, Nana.

  Be her friend, okay, and don’t forget to tell Mae good things about me. I wish I could stay. I just can’t.

  I love you forever, and if you guys ever perform again, I’ll be there.

  Rocco

  P.S. Keep an eye on Z.

  After I finish reading, I turn to look at Nana who is crying—again.

  “I miss him,” she sniffs. “When he wasn’t with us, I was okay, because I knew I’d see him again, and now … He was a part of us, and no one will ever fill that void.”

  “Now, we have Mae,” I assure her. “What should we do with Sage?”

  “She’s alone. She’s scared. I think we just need to keep showing her we’re not the enemy and that the baby is better off with us—and she can be a big part of it. She’s Mae’s aunt, it doesn’t get any better than that. She can tell Mae everything about her mom, keep that link between them, even if she never meets her.”

  “You’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”

  She nods. “Something good has to come out of this. We just have to work with the grandparents, and everything will be fine. So … let’s do this.”

  I nod in agreement, and as we walk to her house, I stop and tilt my head to the property she owns. “How much money do I need to transfer?”

  “Talk to Alex. He took care of the whole transaction,” she answers and extends her hand. “I’ll need your card to buy new furniture though.”

  I pull out my wallet and give her my credit card. “You’re the best. Are you sure you’re okay with this? You’ve been taking care of her since day one.”

  She nods. “Mae will be next door. If you need a babysitter, I’ll be here. She’s my niece, and best of all, we’ll be able to sleep through the night. Sex is back in the Spearman house.”

  “Dude, I don’t need to know that,” I joke, but I see the sadness. She’s going to miss her. She and Alex stepped into the role of parents, and this is going to be difficult for both of them.

  “Stay away from Sage. I’m fucking serious.”

  “Language, lady,” I tell her. “Didn’t he say I should make a few moves? It’s his dying wish.”

  She glances at me. “Do not give her the Tucker Decker treatment,” she warns me. “If you are going to step up and have something meaningful—which is his dying wish—then I’m on board. If not, stay away.”

  I grin and wiggle my eyebrows. “I’ll stay away from her, but can she stay away from me?”

  Teasing her is the
best way to make Nana forget the sadness, and so far, it’s working.

  “Tucker, this is not a joke,” she repeats. “You can’t jeopardize Mae’s future.”

  I lift my hands in surrender. “You win. I promise that I won’t touch her.”

  She gives me an infuriating look and walks away.

  42

  Sage

  His gray eyes stare at me in shock. “You have conditions?”

  It’s amusing to have him look at me with something other than a cocky smirk and a cold gaze. I’m not sure how he pulls off that whole look: arrogant, callous, so sure of himself, and yet, so sexy women can’t help but drop at his feet.

  And all that is just a mask because he’s the opposite of what he wants people to think about him.

  “So what are they?” he asks, and I realize I’ve been staring at him for God knows how long.

  Okay, new plan. I have to ask Hannah how is it that she never fell for him. Maybe she did, and they are great as exes? No, I recall her saying he’s like her brother.

  “What is what?” I ask, confused.

  “Your conditions,” he repeats.

  “Boundaries. We need boundaries,” I tell him, and he smirks.

  “We already have them,” he says, and there’s an undertone of something in his voice. “Everything will be … clean.”

  “Anything else?”

  “We’ll make up some more as we get to know each other,” I continue.

  “Looking forward to knowing every inch of you, Ms. Heywood,” he says.

  “Tucker!” Hannah calls him out. “We agreed.”

  He lifts his hands. “Fine, but after this is over and Mae is ours …” He shrugs, giving me an arrogant look.

  Cocky fucking bastard.

  “So, we’re moving forward,” Ethan concludes.

  “Yes,” I agree. “How long do you think this will take?”

  Fitz shrugs. “I wish I could tell you a few months. Unfortunately, we don’t know. When my brother battled for us, it took two years.”