Take Your Life Back

by Stephen Arterburn

  Reflecting

  Whereas our lives were full of busyness and hurry, we now set aside time for quiet reflection. A favorite chair or a sofa or even a comfortable place on the floor provides a spot where we can think about our lives and learn from our experiences.

  This new contemplative approach has helped our lives to grow in richness and value because we take time to consider truth, noticing how we have utilized it, how we have veered away from it, and what we need to do differently.

  We also reflect on our unmet needs and hopeful desires, and at times we even write down our thoughts to revisit in the future. We have learned to embrace wisdom as we have devoted time for reflection on events, choices, consequences, and accomplishments that we once thought were not possible.

  Stabilizing

  We don’t need storms anymore. We don’t need to stir up trouble to prove that we exist or find a momentary spark of conflict to give us energy. We no longer traffic in the extremes. We are clear about who we are and why we are here. We are secure in our relationships with God and with others, and we foster stability in our relationships. The longer we live surrendered to God and the more we incorporate his truth into our daily living, the more stable we become internally, relationally, and spiritually. Every day that we live in harmony with our true self creates even more stability than the day before. We will occasionally miss the excitement of the hurricanes we whipped up in our time of sickness, but we don’t miss them enough to threaten or destroy the stability we are creating one day at a time.

  Learning

  Humility is essential for learning. As we humble ourselves before God, we learn new ways of living, interacting, relating, and becoming the person who God created us to be. We learn from our defective choices, and we learn from those great moments when we choose “the next right thing” and reap the rewards of living beyond our own immediate urges and impulsive drives.

  We pursue learning because we want to grow and live with wisdom beyond our years. Learning is a process, and we have come to enjoy the process rather than waiting impatiently for results to materialize. In our relationships, we are learning more and more about healthy boundaries—where we stop and where others start. And we are learning how to prevent ourselves and others from invading spaces we are not entitled to inhabit. We are learning to find the lessons in everyday life and to be grateful for the simplest pleasures and the most complex difficulties. Each day and each situation presents fresh opportunities for learning, and we are learning to be wise—but not to think ourselves so wise that we become fools.

  Building

  We have been torn down and torn apart, and we have done the same to others and to ourselves. When our foundations were weak, it didn’t take much to bring destruction. But now we are building in ways that will last for eternity. On the foundations of faith, humility, truth, wisdom, openness, and intimacy with God and others, we are building our lives and helping others build theirs with strength and the wisdom of God’s perspective.

  There were times when everything was falling apart and coming undone, and all we could do was pick up the pieces and try not to lose any of them. Now we are building something meaningful and worthwhile out of the brokenness of the past. We are building each other up, and we are building our future. We are building every aspect of ourselves—body, mind, and spirit—to endure the tough parts of life and to be enthralled by great moments that we would have overlooked in the past. Building has become the ongoing process of recovering our lives.

  Growing

  We have come to understand that if we are not growing, we are dying in some way. We choose to grow. Growth requires restraint and self-control. We restrain our impulsive desires even as we feel the discomfort of putting off instant gratification and maintaining control of our lives.

  We grow in our relationships with others by putting them first when appropriate and by making our own growth a priority when something would stunt it. We choose growth because it enriches our lives, expands our perspective, and increases our opportunities to add new dimensions to our lives. We choose growth because it is the only way to find true satisfaction in our lives. Doing nothing and going nowhere are no longer options for us.

  Integrating

  Our job since we were adolescents was to integrate every part of ourselves into healthy, whole, and functioning individuals. Instead, we maintained the “shameful splits,” with parts of ourselves split off from the rest. We had a split-off spiritual part that we dressed up for church but never brought home. No one at home or work observed anything spiritual about us. We were just doing what we were taught: fake it and forget it. We had a split-off sexual life filled with lusts and impulses and urges that we entertained in secret even as we were overtaken and controlled by them. We had a split-off compulsive part of ourselves that would eat as if there were no tomorrow. We would hide it, disguise it, and act as if it didn’t exist. But when we keep parts of our lives private, secretive, and compartmentalized, it splits us into pieces.

  But now that we have taken back the process of maturing, we are integrating all our “parts” so that everything functions in concert with everything else. Our secretive and compulsive behaviors are confessed and repented of; our social life reflects our spiritual values and corresponds with how we treat others at home and at work; and our emotions flow naturally from the integration of everything working together. Integration is so much more enjoyable and sustainable than trying to maintain one identity at work, another identity at church, and yet another identity at home. We’re no longer satisfied with any part of ourselves that isn’t working consistently and congruently with all the other parts.

  Forgiving

  The bitterness and resentment we harbored is gone. The lack of forgiveness that held us captive no longer holds us in bondage. We have been forgiven much, and we now freely forgive others. We look inside ourselves to unearth any seeds or roots of bitterness, and we pull them out before they can entangle us in an unhealthy mind-set. Bitter baggage is kicked to the curb. Residual resentment is being cleansed from us daily as we allow God’s grace to wash over us. We want to forgive others because we have seen what a waste and a burden unforgiveness is in our lives. We deserve better than to be owned by any past event that has hurt us. We’re not naive enough to think we can quickly and completely forgive every offense or major hurt. Forgiveness is a continual process, and we continually pursue it. We realize that if we don’t forgive others, God will not forgive us.

  Resolving

  We have caused problems and created conflict as our desire for control overcame our desire to live and let live. So we go back and resolve our issues. We don’t leave them unattended or hanging in the air. Wherever we can promote peace, reconciliation, and healing, we do. Where we can bring clarity, we do. When we are wrong, we can ask for forgiveness. When we are misunderstood, we go back to clarify, correct, and seek understanding.

  In the past, we fled from conflict and avoided confrontation. But now we are free and confident in addressing issues. Not everything is a confrontation. We don’t always have to be right or look good. We are able to choose humility if that is what is needed to resolve heavy issues of the heart.

  Restoring

  In the past, we allowed things to be stolen from us—important things, such as our freedom. We don’t do that anymore. We have worked on restoring what has been lost. We see what we have lost, and we have asked for God’s help in restoring our sanity, our stability, and the sacredness of our souls.

  We may also have been part of taking from others—leeching on them, overly depending on them, manipulating them, and caring more about our own needs than theirs. Not anymore. We are now working to give back, replenish, and replace what we have taken. The Lord has restored our souls, and we in turn are working to restore the souls of others. We are a walking restoration ministry because we have felt the power of God’s restorative work in our own lives, and we want to share it with others.

  Reaching

 
There was a time when we sat and waited for people to reach out to us, and we became resentful when it didn’t happen. But we’re no longer sitting around waiting to be validated or noticed. We’re busy reaching out to others and attending to their needs. We extend ourselves not only to those we have hurt or those we already know but also to fellow strugglers and strangers. We want to share with them the hope we have discovered, which has made such a difference in our lives. By reaching others, we bring redemptive value to all that we have endured.

  When our days of self-obsession ended, our reaching out to others began. Where self-obsession left us empty, reaching out fills us up. Every now and then, we sense that all our pain and suffering was meant to prepare us to help others in their pain and suffering. Not that all our pain was meant to be; after all, God didn’t force us to make those selfish decisions. But God has wasted nothing of our suffering, and when people see us reaching out to others, they say that it seems like a calling from God on our lives. In reaching out, we have found new life as others have responded to our love, care, and concern for them.

  Sharing

  In our old mind-set, we felt so deprived that we hoarded everything or held onto it tightly. Anything we acquired we felt compelled to keep forever. Letting something go was like tearing out our heart. We wasted money on things we didn’t need, but then we kept them anyway, never considering who else might benefit from them. Sometimes all our junk proved we were alive.

  If we didn’t hoard junk—for many, that was too obvious—we hoarded our talents and our time. We kept our spiritual gifts to ourselves, hiding the light of God under a bushel.

  As we became grateful for all that God has done for us, we became more generous, as well. Our willingness to share blossomed even more as we came to believe that God cared for us and would provide for us. We no longer believed that we must acquire everything through our own might and power. We trusted God enough to let go of the things that were strangling us, and we began to share more freely with others. We discovered the truth that it is more blessed to give than to receive. We now wake up wondering who needs us, or who needs what we have, and what we can do to share God’s awesome blessings with others.

  Serving

  In our old lives, we served like slaves—under compulsion from whoever or whatever controlled us. We became enslaved to our defects and shortcomings, our obsessions and compulsions, as they took over more and more territory in our lives. Or we served ourselves, trying to find new ways to fuel our survival. It was all about us.

  Now we serve because we feel called by God to do it. We serve from a grateful heart as an act of gratitude. We want to serve others as our Lord has served us. We want to leave a legacy of serving. We choose to serve because it is proof that we have the power and freedom to choose something rewarding rather than something degrading. And we have experienced the joy of being recognized as ones who serve and appear to love doing it. We have stepped outside ourselves with acts of service that return to us more than we could ever give.

  Giving

  Before we took our lives back, we were takers from others. We took by robbing others of their time, stealing their confidence, or ripping off their reputations. We took all we could from anyone who was vulnerable because we thought we deserved it and no one else did. We were greedy for whatever we could take, but it was never enough to satisfy us.

  Now we not only give but give sacrificially. Before, if we gave anything at all, it was out of a surplus we had acquired. Now we don’t care how much we have. We care about others. Not in a sick way, as before when we gave on demand or when shamed into it. Now we give because we are generous of heart. We have matured to where we don’t need much, and we love to give to those who have nothing or who lack something in an area where we can help. Often, the easiest thing to give is money—which also limits our involvement. But now we go beyond financial giving and also give of our time, attention, and talents to make the lives of others better.

  Leading

  Perhaps the most amazing evidence that we have taken back our lives is when people see us stand up and lead. When we were not in possession of our lives, our backs were bent and our spirits were decimated. Now we have a newly found confidence that we have something to offer to others. Forged in the crucible of our struggles and past experiences, we hope for elements of wisdom, understanding, and compassion to be evident in our leadership as we reach across to others to encourage them on their journey.

  There was a time when we could not even bring ourselves to attend a meeting of fellow strugglers, and now we are willing to lead others in a group. People observe the changes in our lives and want what we have, and we lead them to the truth. We don’t need to lecture or scold; we show with our lives that God has something more in mind for all of us than suffering and surviving. Having found a way out of both, we are eager to lead others to the source of this new way of living that has brought so much joy and fulfillment from so much pain and emptiness.

  Providing

  We are no longer on a path of needing to take what we can from anyone who will give it. We are providers, contributing to God, others, and ourselves. To God we offer honor, gratitude, and adoration. We humbly lift our hands, bow our heads, bend our knees, and raise our voices in praise and worship of the one true God, who brought us out of captivity and who provided the strength we needed to take our lives back. In our gratitude, we provide God with well-deserved celebration and devotion.

  We now recognize that we have the resources to provide for others. We provide time and attention that our friends and family need in order to be nurtured and to grow. We provide them with encouragement, affirmation, and respect when and where it is needed. We have no need to withhold what we can provide. When it is our role or responsibility, we work dependably and provide financial stability to those who rely on us to do so.

  We don’t neglect to provide for ourselves. We work, if we can, to earn money to live and give. We stop working when we need to, so that we can provide our souls with the necessary rest, reflection, and resources to keep ourselves safe, protected, and healthy. It feels good to have moved beyond needing so much all the time to providing all that we can to ourselves and others. And it feels good to express our gratitude to God, who was there for us and with us in every moment of the suffering and the surviving, even when we didn’t feel it.

  Utilizing

  We have moved beyond fearing to request help or utilize the help that is available. We no longer believe that we must have all the strength and knowledge within ourselves to get better. We utilize God’s strength and the strength that comes in relationships and community with others.

  We are aware of, and use, resources that enrich our lives. We read our Bibles, read useful literature, go to meetings, seek counsel, and find guidelines; and we utilize them all. We have moved from recognizing the helpfulness of a resource to actually using it. We are reaping the benefits of being resourceful in all areas of our lives. Our strength increases each day because we apply what we have available in order to become all that we can become.

  Comforting

  We once were without the comfort of God because we had cut ourselves off from him. Now, having found God’s comfort, we want to comfort others with the same comfort that comforted us.[55] Formerly, we were often the victims of another’s lack of caring or even cruelty. We survived. We survived and learned and surrendered and watched as God worked with us and transformed us. Now, with hearts of compassion, we are compelled to comfort others.

  We also comfort ourselves. We have found good things that encourage us and restore us instead of tearing us down further. We pray, meditate, talk with friends, draw, write, journal, create, have quiet times with God, spend quality time with others, and sometimes do nothing at all. We don’t wait to be comforted; we have learned the healthy art of self-comfort, and we take time to receive and experience comfort from God, others, and ourselves.

  Experiencing

  Our lives were once filled with dis
tractions and obsessions. Rarely were we fully present wherever we were. We were either full of anxiety, focused on our past, or fearing the future. We avoided, ran, moved on, and remained disengaged. No more.

  Now we experience the joy of being where we are and engaging with others. We don’t have to worry about looking back and thinking about what we missed. We are living in the present—enjoying life as it unfolds and experiencing everything as never before. Before, we could not imagine that engaging with others and experiencing life together could provide such fulfillment. Now, we look forward to discovering new ways of experiencing more of life with our loved ones.

  Protecting

  We value our lives and the progress we’ve made. We don’t want to lose it, so we protect it. We don’t go it alone anymore. We gather with others for strength and hope, and to remind ourselves how far we have come. We are not complacent. We consistently pursue healthy and healing attitudes and actions. We protect ourselves with truth—discovering it, learning from it, growing from it, and never wandering from it.

  We are quite aware of dangerous places and people, and we don’t compromise or expose ourselves needlessly to either one. We have changed where we go and whom we go with, in order to protect the gains we have made. Grounded in reality, we are not confused about our condition or how far we’ve come. We protect our progress by investing our energy in others who help us stay grounded in reality and in God’s truth and power.