Forget Me Not

by Tyler, Q. B.

  Wren looks at me. “Well, I think you’ve got it from here. This isn’t usually how we handle it, but I’m going to let you field it. I’m calling for a consult. I’ll be back in ten, try not to kill him before then.” He nods at me before he’s gone.

  “Livi…” Bennett’s voice is low, just above a whisper. I look at him, preparing to explain to him just what he’s missed in two years all while trying to keep it together. “Am I dying? Is that…is that why you’re so upset?”

  My heart squeezes and pulses at the thought of living in a world where Bennett Clarke doesn’t exist. I want him happy, even if it isn’t with me. That mantra I repeat at the start of every day just to get me through it means he has to be alive. “No! No, you’re not dying. It was just a car accident. But…but it looks like you’ve suffered some memory loss, but Wren said it’s normal. And you’re going to be fine.” I sniffle as I look towards the window. The automatic lights have flickered on, as the room was almost dark and I turn on the light just over his bed illuminating the room even more.

  It’s then, under brighter lighting I notice the bags under his eyes and the slight graying by his temples. “How…how much time am I missing?”

  I hesitate, wondering what to say; if I should lie or just come right out with it. I go with the latter. “Two years,” I say softly, unsure of how he’s going to take it.

  “What the hell? Two years? And…” His eyes immediately move to my hands, the hands I have by my sides. He zeroes in on my left hand and assumedly my bare ring finger. “No fucking way.”

  “Bennett…”

  His eyes pry away from my hand and find mine. They aren’t angry or filled with rage, but sadness and despair. “You…you left me?”

  Yes. “Not exactly.”

  “I’d never leave you, so that means you left me. When? How? Why?” The tears are in his eyes and he doesn’t even try to stop them from slowly trickling down his face. “I love you…did you stop loving me?”

  “No.” I shake my head, tucking a hair behind my ear. “I’ll probably never stop loving you.” I’ve never said that to him, not in the six months we’ve been going through the separation and divorce. I probably shouldn’t have said it now under these circumstances, but my heart feels like it’s been ripped open. I feel raw and exposed and Bennett is pushing himself into my soul again. I can feel it.

  Be strong. He’s going to remember. Don’t let him back in. He still broke your heart.

  “You broke my heart, Bennett.”

  “No…I would never.” He shakes his head, disregarding the words. “I would never break your heart. I promised you that on our wedding night. And I never go back on my word when it comes to you.” He speaks these words of finality and my hands begin to shake.

  “You did.”

  “Did I…? I didn’t…” His face falls, as he tries to pose the question, I know he’s thinking. Did I cheat on you?

  I nod slowly, the tears swimming in my lids, and I know the second I blink they’ll trickle down my cheek. I twist my mouth and look away from him, trying to keep the tears at bay when I hear him whisper my name again. “Baby, look at me.” His voice sounds as pained as I know mine will be the second I open my mouth.

  “I’m not…” I start, my gaze fixed on the floor. I stare at my shoes, black open toe pumps that were a part of my I’m getting divorced shopping spree.

  “Olivia.” He speaks again and when I look up his eyes are filled with devastation. “I am so sorry. I don’t know how or…why…but there’s no excuse. I don’t know what would have possessed me to do that.”

  I do, I think and I push the rationalization down and back into the box in the corner of my mind that I’d labeled do not open.

  The box full of rationalizations that I’m not so innocent in this.

  I didn’t cheat on him though.

  No, you just let him think he was in this marriage by himself.

  I squeeze my eyes together, trying to quiet the voices in my head and when I open them he’s staring at me. “Your hair is a little shorter and more curly,” he says. “But you look beautiful. You’ve always been beautiful.” His voice washes over me like a warm spring rain, heating my chilled bones instantly.

  My hair was still past my shoulders, though only barely, and I wore it more wavy or curly now as opposed to sleek and straight like when we met. Two years ago, my hair was longer, although not by much, which made my heart flutter with just how much he noticed everything. But that’s how he was. He was the husband that noticed the haircut or the new clothes, or when my nails were a different color. He was the husband who could sense my period without looking at a calendar because my breasts looked bigger.

  “Thank you.”

  “Wait, two years?” He scratches his jaw and narrows his gaze in question. “That must mean…I mean we must have…do we have any children?”

  The lump in my throat almost feels painful as I attempt to swallow and shake my head slowly. “No.” My lip trembles as my stomach flips, my heart sinks, and I feel the need to sit down again as I remember each time I peed on that stick. Each doctor’s appointment. Each moment of euphoria learning that I was pregnant. And then the low after I learned that I no longer was.

  Both times.

  “Livi…”

  I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes. “This has probably been a lot of information for you to take in at once. We don’t have to do all of this now.” I back away slowly. I need to get away from him. I need to get away from his penetrating gaze and his sweet words and whispered Livis. This is the man I’d fallen for and if I wasn’t careful, I’d fall again.

  I can’t.

  I won’t.

  I’m just about to open the door when Caroline comes through it again and walks by me as if I’m not standing there. “Wren said we need to run some tests? Oh, sweetheart, I hear you’re having a hard time remembering?”

  “Livi filled in some of the details, but yes.”

  “Speaking of…Olivia, your boyfriend is outside,” Caroline says snidely and I don’t even try to stop the anger from flashing over my face. Always stirring the fucking pot.

  I wince as Bennett’s eyes flash to mine. “Her fucking what?”

  “He’s not…he’s not my boyfriend. He’s a friend.” A friend who may or may not make me feel better while going through this painful divorce.

  “What the fuck kind of friend?” Bennett demands, his eyes filled with fury. His full lips are curled into a scowl and his eyebrows are slanted in anguish.

  “Oh, Bennett, stop. You didn’t expect her to never move on, did you?” Caroline shakes her head at him as she fluffs the pillows behind him.

  My eyes flash to hers in surprise of her defense, and I notice that Bennett’s face has softened and is looking at her equally shocked before turning back to me in question. “No, that’s new,” I say, answering his unspoken question of whether his mother and I have become amicable in the past two years.

  “You have…a boyfriend?” he asks me.

  “He’s not my boyfriend. We are still married.” I press my lips together in a straight line. “You have a girlfriend.” I chuckle, though the words feel like a knife just pierced my heart.

  He narrows his gaze before nodding towards his mother as if to say, can you not in front of my mother?

  “Your mother knows. They’re like besties.” The smile on my face matches my saccharine tone and I watch as his eyes snap to hers.

  “What?”

  “She’s a very nice girl and she’s been so worried about you…” she starts.

  “WHAT?” he roars. “You’ve been giving my wife a hard time since the day you met her, and you’ve accepted my…for lack of a better word, mistress?” he snaps. “I don’t want to see her. Tell her it’s over.” He lets his head fall back and scratches his beard. “Since you two are so close.”

  “Bennett…” his mother starts.

  “I don’t want her here, and if she shows up, I’m calling security. I mean it, Mothe
r. I don’t know what would possess me to cheat on Olivia, but I don’t want her here and I don’t want her around my wife.”

  “Oh, she’s afraid of me.” I give them both my most smug grin. “Don’t worry about that.”

  “Yes, she assaulted her!” Caroline points at me.

  “I did not assault her. Don’t be so dramatic, Caroline.” I look at Bennett, who looks more amused than anything despite the circumstances. “I did key her car, but, if I assaulted her, she’d know it.” I shoot a pointed glare at his mother before turning back to Bennett. “You paid for the damage to her car, so, no harm no foul in my opinion.”

  Bennett’s face falls at my brief story and shakes his head. “I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this shit.”

  “Can I at least tell her you’re okay?” Caroline asks.

  “Do whatever the hell you want, Mother. If she shows up here, she will be disappointed. As I said, tell her it’s over.”

  “Caroline, maybe just explain that he’s having some trouble remembering and now just isn’t a good time.” I shake my head, not wanting to cause any issues between Bennett and his plaything.

  Even if I do hate her.

  “Not hate.” I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head, scolding me for the harshness of the word.

  “Why are you so okay with this?” Bennett commands and I can hear the unspoken questions. Why are you okay with me having a girlfriend? Why aren’t you upset? Why aren’t you fighting for us?

  “Trust me, I’m not. But…she gives you something I can’t, and I think you care for her on some level.” I bite my bottom lip.

  “There’s no way I feel for her what I feel for you.” My brain, my heart, my soul, nothing misses the fact that he’s speaking in the present tense but I try to ignore it.

  “I believe that.” I nod. “But she’s helping you get through…this.”

  “Is that what the asshole out there is doing for you?” He nods towards the door and I swallow as I think about the man in the waiting room. I did not ask for him to come, why is he here?

  “Alright, that’s enough of the lovefest,” Wren says as he comes back in with two other Doctors in tow. “We’re going to go down to run some tests, and then we can continue getting acquainted when you get back. How does that sound?” The sarcasm drips from his voice, especially as I know he caught the tail end of this conversation, but Bennett just stares at me.

  “Are you staying?”

  “Umm…” I start.

  “There’s no need for her to stay, Bennett. I’m here. If she needs to leave, I won’t be going anywhere,” his mother interjects.

  He doesn’t even look at her. “Are you staying?” he repeats. The pleading look in his eyes implores me to stay. To never leave his side again.

  Fuck, this is too much.

  I look at the four other people in the room all staring at me, waiting for my response. “Yeah, I can…I can stay.”

  He nods and I can see the relief in his eyes and his body language. “Can you do me a favor?” He asks, his eyes trained on me. “Can you get rid of him? I’d rather not see him when they wheel me out of here.”

  I bite down on my bottom lip and nod, preventing myself from mentioning that they’ve met before.

  It was far from pretty.

  I make my way out of the room, pressing a hand to my chest as I close the door behind me. It’s been a very taxing forty-five minutes and I feel like the air is fresher, less complicated outside of this room. I take a deep breath.

  “Liv,” I hear my name, and I look up to see David Jacobs sitting on the bench outside of Bennett’s room.

  David is kind and sweet and treats me like the very broken princess I am. He was a gentleman from the very first time he saw me crying into my hands and a box of Krispy Kreme’s in Central Park. He’d sat down next to me and slid a flask across the bench. We became friends instantly.

  We’d been intimate, yes. But it was few and far between, always ended with me sobbing uncontrollably, and never in an orgasm for either of us. To be honest, I’m not sure why he still keeps me around. He’s gorgeous in a different way from Bennett. Blonde hair versus Bennett’s dark brown. Blue eyes versus his green. Closer to my height versus Bennett who towers over me at six foot five. He works for a non-profit organization, unlike Bennett who works for a real estate firm that basically rules New York.

  He’s the opposite of my husband in every way.

  I have a love-hate relationship with the sentiment.

  He stands and begins walking towards me. I pull him down one hallway and another that ran perpendicular so that we’d be out of sight when they wheel Bennett towards the elevators. “What are you doing here?”

  “You texted me—”

  “Yes, but I didn’t ask you to come,” I whisper. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful when all he wanted was to be there for me, but I couldn’t handle David being here on top of everything going on with Bennett who I was legally still married to.

  “I know, but I just wanted to be here for you. Are you hungry? Have you eaten anything?” He brushes my hair behind my shoulder and cups my cheeks gently before he attempts to kiss me, but I back away slightly.

  “David, this isn’t the time or place. My mother-in-law is running around like a woman on a mission, and Bennett just woke up and I’m sorry…” I shake my head. “It’s just too much.”

  “Okay, okay. I’m sorry,” he whispers as he pulls me into a hug. I reluctantly allow it because I think I need it. I press my face into his chest and cry for the inability to catch a break. I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. A divorce will make you feel like you’ve just gone to war and I’m more than ready to wave the white flag of defeat.

  I want it over.

  I just want peace.

  I feel his lips against the top of my head as the tears fall down my face. “I promise, I’ll call you later. I just can’t deal with all of this with you here.” My voice is muffled against his chest.

  I can’t handle this with Bennett’s state and my reaction to said state.

  What did this all even mean? Was I still in love with him?

  Yes.

  Enough to give us another chance?

  No.

  Eventually, he’ll remember everything and when he does, I can’t be in this headspace because he’ll break me down. Despite his girlfriend, I know he wants me back just as Wren had said.

  My eyes fly open and I squeeze David harder. I need him. I need him to help me stay strong. To not fall back into the trap of Bennett Clarke. If I’m not careful, I’ll fall back into old habits. I have to remember that.

  He may not remember the past, but I do.

  Even as I think the thoughts, I don’t believe them.

  No one could save me from Bennett.

  My heart. My mind. My soul.

  All of it still belonged to him.

  No more than thirty minutes later, I hear the ding of the elevator just over my right shoulder and my head jerks up immediately as Bennett comes back into view. Green eyes find mine and he gives me a small smile and I try to ignore the familiar feelings welling in the pit of my stomach. “Miss me, did you?” He winks and I fight the urge to roll my eyes to hide what I’m actually feeling. Standing, I follow them inside as Wren gets him settled.

  “I’ve sent the images off to the radiologist, but I haven’t seen anything abnormal. We can see signs of amnesia now on MRIs, but it won’t give specifics such as the severity of the memory loss.” He pushes his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose and scratches his jaw. “I want to keep you here overnight.” He looks at Bennett and then at me and I nod.

  I look at Bennett who, for the first time, isn’t staring at me like I might break or disappear or flee from the room. “What does all this mean? I mean will I regain my memory?” he asks.

  “It’s hard to say at this point. Amnesia comes in all different forms and there’s no real way to cure it. A lot of doctors urge routine and familiarizing you
rself with your old life to trigger old memories. But as far as a medicine to reverse the damage, unfortunately we aren’t that advanced yet.”

  “So, it’s possible I may never remember…the time I’m missing?” Bennett asks and to the untrained ear, it may sound like he’s upset or worried about that, but I know Bennett like the freckle on the back of my hand and the one on his that matches. He’s hoping he doesn’t remember. He’s hoping that he doesn’t have to face the harsh truth that we aren’t together. That he broke my heart. Right now, the thoughts are unfathomable to him and he wants to stay there. In the place of ignorance and confusion because it really is bliss.

  “I can’t say for sure, man. But we are going to do everything we can to get some answers. The MRI results will take a few hours, but we should still be able to get you out of here tomorrow unless there’s something troubling on the scan. I don’t want to hold you hostage.”

  The sound of beeping interrupts and Wren looks down at his pager. “Shit it’s a 911, I’ve got to run, but I’ll be back as soon as I can, alright?”

  He’s gone in an instant leaving me and Bennett in this room that feels like it gets smaller every time we’re inside. I pull my jacket tighter around me and rub my arms up and down. “You get rid of your boyfriend?”

  “Bennett…”

  He scrubs his face with both hands and groans. “And stop with the Bennett, it’s freaking me out. I don’t think you ever call me Bennett unless I’m in trouble.” I don’t say anything because calling him Clarke feels too intimate. He sighs in defeat. “I don’t expect you to stay, I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

  “Well I was thinking I was going to leave, but I’ll wait until you fall asleep…” I start. But do I want to leave him alone in the hospital? “Or maybe I could stay…” I whisper as I look around the small room. I do have some work I need to do, but I suppose I could send the emails from my phone.

  Despite the fact that my husband makes more than enough money so I don’t have to work, I didn’t spend four years in college for an MRS degree. I wanted to work. I enjoy working even if I don’t have to.