Forget Me Not

by Tyler, Q. B.

  He opens the door and leads me inside and I’m assuming he’s had the air on this whole time because it’s freezing. “Holy shit, it’s cold in here!” I shiver as Bennett turns on the lights and I immediately grab a sweatshirt I see sitting on the couch. I frown because Bennett is definitely neater than I am and always kept things in their place. For a second, I panic that it’s not his, but I let out a breath when I recognize his football sweatshirt from college. I slide it on over my torso just as Bennett comes back in the main area.

  “I turned the air down.” He takes in my new appearance and smiles. “You always did look good in my clothes.” I pull his hood up over my head and rub my arms. “It’s fucking freezing in here, Clarke.” I chuckle. “I’m going to raid your closet for more clothes.” I chuckle.

  But also, to be nosy.

  I enter his room, and I’m surprised by how sparse it is. There’s a bed across from the large floor to ceiling window that looks out into the New York night. There’s a nightstand on either side and a tall dresser in a corner. A television is mounted on the wall just next to the closet. The room barely looks lived in. Nothing on the walls. No real décor. “I probably didn’t want to get comfortable here,” Bennett says as he lays across his bed. “Was probably holding onto hope you’d let me come back home.” I peek my head in his closet, extremely grateful that I don’t see any women’s clothes hanging up. When I move back into his room, I go to his drawers in search of a pair of socks as I’d just worn a pair of flats and my feet were cold once I’d removed them.

  My heart stops when I see the lace in his top drawer. But…

  The lace is familiar. Really fucking familiar.

  I pull the pink, black, and white pairs of underwear out of the drawer, holding them in my hand. Mixed in with his briefs are my underwear…I peek my head back inside, seeing if he has anything else of mine when I find a picture. I remember this picture. We were lying in bed one morning completely naked when Bennett started taking my picture. I was laughing so hard I could barely speak and then I grabbed the camera from him and tried to take a selfie with him but I completely missed and it was just of me, cheesing obnoxiously hard, my dark hair wild and splayed over his chest. I’d accidentally cut off most of his head, though you can see a sliver of his mouth and a smile. I’m the focal point of the picture, as are the five other pictures I’ve found.

  “What are these?” I hear him approach and I don’t even realize that I’m on the brink of tears until I meet his gaze and his face falls. “What’s wrong?”

  “I just…you have my underwear in your drawer and pictures of me and…why didn’t you fight harder for me, Bennett? You should have…” I trail off, wondering what he could have possibly done. I was angry and hurt and I didn’t want to hear it at all for the first few months.

  He takes a step back, running a hand through his hair. “It sounds like I did, Liv. The only reason you’re even talking to me right now is because I don’t remember anything. He sits down and I sit next to him and he grabs my panties from my hands. “You can’t have these back.”

  I chuckle and hand him the pictures as well. “Do you remember any of these?”

  He cocks his head to the side and points at one a smile ghosting over his lips like he’s replaying the memory in his head. “I remember this one.” He nods. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful, Livi.” He sets the pictures and my panties on the bed before he turns to me. “I found your rings. The safe was much easier to crack.”

  “Really?” He stands up, grabbing my hand and leads me out of the room towards an office. There’s a desk with quite a bit of clutter on top as well as his laptop. I make my way around the desk and gasp at the number of pictures of me that sit on his desk. “Clarke…” I rub my fingers over the frame of one of our wedding photos and the tears are back in full force. “You never forgot me,” I whisper.

  “How could I forget you? You’re the other half of me.” He holds the familiar black box up and I purse my lips as I know what’s in it. I look towards the safe that he pulled them out of and I see there’s something else inside. I look at him curiously. “Can I see what’s in there?”

  He nods, pulling the envelope out and handing it to me. My blood runs cold when I realize what it is and my lip trembles as I realize I’m holding Bennett’s Last Will and Testament that he’d updated after our separation according to the date listed at the top. I slide it back in the envelope when another envelope falls out. My name is written on top with black sharpie in his handwriting. I run my finger over the letters and I wonder if I shouldn’t read it. But maybe it would give me some insight, or maybe help him remember?

  “Are you going to read it?” He’s right next to me, his voice low and gravelly in my ear.

  “Should I?” I look up at him and he nods before taking a step back.

  “I’ll give you some space,” he says before he heads out of the room, leaving the door open. I sit down in his chair, not prepared for a letter that Bennett would have meant for me to read after he passes, especially after we’d divorced. My heart thumps in my chest as I slide the handwritten note that is dated two months ago.

  Livi,

  If you’re reading this, that means I’m gone or I’m on life support and you’ve learned that you’re still my power of attorney. Assuming you still hate me, I’m sure you’ve already pulled the plug. Ha. Look at me, all funny in death.

  I don’t know exactly where we stand as you’re reading this, but I’m assuming I would have drafted another will if I managed to get you back.

  I’ve left you everything, which you know by now. And I’m sorry if I’ve preceded my mother in death that you’ll have to deal with her. But I wanted to make sure you were taken care of, and I knew you’d be fair in doling out everything. Or if you don’t want anything from me, feel free to give it all to her. I’m in sound mind, so there should be no worry about her contesting it, but if she does, my lawyer will handle it.

  At this point in time, I have no intentions to remarry or have children, and again if you’re reading this, that means I never did. Marrying you is the one thing in this life I’ve been the most proud of. You’re the only person I’ve truly loved. And I could only see myself being married to you or fathering your children.

  I can’t believe I let you go.

  I know I’ve said it a million times while I’ve been alive, but maybe it means something in death. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I broke you. Broke us. I love you so much. Till death do us part, right?

  I’m waiting for you on the other side. Maybe we can try this again in the afterlife?

  Forever and ever,

  Clarke

  I can barely see through the tears that are streaming down my face, and a sob bubbles in my throat. I put a hand over my chest, my heart feeling like it could explode from his words.

  Take him back, Olivia.

  I grab the box he’d left sitting on the desk and open it, revealing the two stunning rings that used to sit proudly on my left ring finger. I hold them in my palm before balling my hand into a fist and almost running from the room. I move into the living room to see Bennett going through a box that he must have found in a closet. He stands up when he sees me enter the room and eats the space between us in three strides. I practically collide with his hard body as I wrap myself around him. He lifts me into his arms as if I weigh less than a feather. One hand slides under me to cup my butt and one hand goes to the back of my head, bringing his lips to mine. He brushes them gently, running his tongue over my lips before catching one of my salty tears cascading down my face. “Why are you crying?” He walks us to the couch and sits down, keeping me in his lap. He wipes under my eyes and kisses me again. “Talk to me.” I’m suddenly cold and a shiver moves through me as I’m very aware of the two rings in my hand.

  I open my palm, revealing them and slide them into his hand without a word. He frowns, and I realize it’s because I haven’t explicitly said what I want. “Can I have them back?” I ask, thoug
h I already know the answer to my question.

  “They haven’t belonged anywhere but your finger.”

  I nod. “I want you to put them on me,” I tell him and he reaches for my left hand instantly, probably as desperate as I feel to have them back on. But I stop him. “I want to say something first.”

  He leans forward rubbing his nose down my face and neck and pressing a kiss to my shoulder. “You can tell me anything.”

  The smell of him and his sweatshirt I’m wearing is almost too much. I’ve always been able to get drunk on Bennett, quick, and I know I need a clear head to get this out, so I push him back slightly and move out of his lap to sit next to him on the couch. “Clarke, the day you came home and told me you’d slept with someone else…” He starts to speak up and I put a finger up. “Don’t.”

  He lets out a breath. “This hardly seems fair,” he grumbles and his emerald green eyes darken just as a scowl finds his face.

  I rub his jaw, loving the feeling of the prickle under my fingers as I try to soothe his annoyance. “I know, you don’t know what to say, and it’s hard to defend yourself against something you can’t remember. But granted you never get your memory back, I need to say this and you need to hear it.” He nods, and I bite my lip as I pull at the hem of Bennett’s sweatshirt. “I’ve gone over and over what happened that day in my head for months. There were some nights it played on a loop. It was all I could think of. And I guess in a way, it helped me get through the miscarriages because it allowed me to stop thinking about them. I was in pain every day thinking about losing our babies, but losing you? Nothing could have prepared me for that kind of pain. I wasn’t prepared for it. And maybe it hurt even more because of everything I’d been going through, but it was the worst.”

  “You’d been out so late that night,” I continue, “but I figured you’d gone out with Wren. I was checked out at that point so I didn’t even think to check on you. You got home around six, I remember… 6:17. I’ll never forget the time. That’s when the door closed. I sat up in bed and called out for you, just in case…”

  “Yeah, it’s me Liv.” His voice sounds pained, almost like he’s choked up.

  “Are you okay?”

  I’m about to climb out of bed when he appears in our bedroom looking completely defeated. He looks down at his feet as he slides his jacket off and tosses it on the end of the bed. He sits down at the end and stares straight ahead.

  “What’s going on?” I whisper. I don’t make a move towards him because I’m not sure if he wants me to touch him. We’ve been worse than ever this week. We’ve barely talked or touched. He’s kissed me lightly in the mornings before he leaves, but other than that, we’ve had no physical contact. I know it’s weighing on him because of how affectionate and passionate and sexual we’ve always been, but I feel completely unsexy and even unworthy of his love or affection.

  I feel ugly.

  Stupid.

  Weak.

  I know Bennett still desires me, but I can’t get out of my own head long enough to let him try. I’m slowly destroying my marriage and I can’t stop.

  “Baby, I love you so much,” he whispers. “I know things have been difficult, and I…I just needed someone to care about my feelings too. You’re barely talking to me. My father is gone. God knows talking to my mother is like trying to put my head through a wall. I tried everything to be there for you, and nothing was enough, Olivia. Why wasn’t it enough?”

  “It’s not you, Clarke. It’s…shit, I don’t know. Grief.” The room has been mostly dark up until this point, as the sun slowly begins to rise on the day so I turn on the Tiffany lamp on my nightstand and crawl over to him. “Are you leaving me?” This is the moment I’ve been fearing. But now that it’s here, I’m not sure I can handle it.

  Fight for him, Olivia.

  Tell him you want to try.

  Tell him you want to go to therapy.

  “No, baby. Never.” He looks at me and cups my face. “I would do anything for us to work everything out.”

  “We can go to counseling. I’ll go. I just…” I swallow. “I haven’t felt great about myself.” I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. So sorry, Clarke. I love you.” I wrap my arms around his neck and push my lips to his as I climb into his lap. He tastes like alcohol and mint, like he’s brushed his teeth. I pull away, and I see the tears in his eyes, and then they’re flowing down his face slowly.

  Is this alcohol induced or is something really wrong?

  “Livi, I’m so sorry,” he chokes out, his eyes shimmering with the devastation that is wracking his body.

  “I know. But you didn’t do anything. And you tried, I could see you were trying. I just couldn’t understand how you could love me or want me since I’m broken…” My lip trembles and he grabs my jaw and squeezes.

  “You are not broken. You are perfect. Do you hear me? Never ever let anyone make you feel like you aren’t perfect. I will always love you and want you.” He presses his forehead to mine. “I want you now, so bad, Olivia.”

  “Have me,” I whimper.

  “Now?”

  “Yes, make love to me, Bennett, please. We need this,” I beg, as I grind down on his dick.

  “Livi, I want to. More than anything.” I go to pull my top off when he stops me and shakes his head. “But I need to tell you something.”

  “Tell me later,” I breathe out. I’m not sure what it is, but for him to stop us from being intimate it has to be big. In the deepest darkest crevices of my mind, I suspect that he’d been unfaithful based on how he’s acting tonight coupled with how I’ve been acting for the past few months. But I chalk that up to the demons in my mind telling me I’m not good enough and that Bennett has moved on to someone else.

  He would never, he loves me. I think, trying to quiet that pesky voice.

  “No, Livi. I can’t…I need to tell you now.” I blink my eyes a few times. He sits me next to him and I immediately hate not being in his lap anymore. I try to climb back to that place of solace when he holds my shoulders, keeping me at arm’s length. “Let me get this out.”

  In this moment, I know, and the tears automatically start flying down my face. I shake my head. “No.”

  “Baby…”

  “Bennett.” I get off the bed. “You wouldn’t. You couldn’t…not to me.”

  “It was just one time, I swear. I was so drunk… sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

  “Honestly, at that point I’m fairly certain I blacked out. Later, you told me I was almost inconsolable and our neighbor came over an hour later to ask if I was okay because I’d been sobbing for that long and that loudly.” I bite my bottom lip sadly and look over at Bennett who looks as torn up as I feel.

  “Fuck.”

  “So, you slept with her that night. I guess you’d met her at a bar. You told me you’d been drinking pretty heavily, and she approached you. I don’t exactly know what you told her, but I think she knew you were married and were having a rough time.” I let out a shaky breath. “The next day, I told you I wanted a divorce. You fought me hard for a few weeks. You wanted us to try and work it out, but I just…I couldn’t. I was hurt. I was broken. You devastated me. You’d always looked at me like I was the most perfect woman. You put me on this pedestal, and then to learn that you’d given something to someone else that was only meant for me…” I clear my throat as I remember the weeks of self-loathing that came with the knowledge of his infidelity. “Maybe I just needed space, and in hindsight, I can see that I acted impulsively.” I nod, before continuing.

  “I loved you so much and so hard, I don’t know how I expected that love to just go away. I looked for you everywhere, in everything. I felt you in the most mundane day to day activities. I felt you when I touched myself at night. I was pretty sure that I was never going to get over you. And then this happens. I’m finding out these things about your life. You’re wearing your ring, and the letter you left me in your will. My panties and pictures are in your drawers. Wren tells me that you
r relationship with Amanda only went so far. And even in the past six months, the few times I did see you, I could see how sorry you were…in your eyes, in your body language. In the way you said my name, I could feel how much this hurt you.” I fidget nervously. “I could see how much you still loved me too.” I flinch. “The only thing I guess I’ll never know is why you fooled around with the girl you cheated on me with after the initial time. That fucking stung.”

  “I’ll bet, and I have no idea,” he tells me. “Baby, I am so sorry.” The look in his eyes matches mine. Green eyes full of pain and sadness. “It sounds like it was a lapse in judgment, and after you left me, I just used her to fill the void. Or, I don’t know…I just needed someone there and she was convenient.” He stands up, setting my rings on the table in front of me. “Fuck, I need a drink.”

  “Not with your medication.”

  “I don’t give a fuck,” he says as he pulls some whiskey off the bar cart nestled in the side of the room. He pours two glasses of whiskey and hands one to me. I take a tentative sip, letting the amber liquid burn all the way down. He’s still not sitting down as he sips the liquor, his eyes getting angry. “I am so pissed.”

  “Bennett…”

  He puts a hand up and I can see the anger in his body language. His arms are flexing, he’s breathing hard and he’s pulling at his hair with the hand not holding his drink. He’s rolled his sleeves up, revealing his tattoos, and I’m instantly reminded of how easily I’m turned on the second I see my husband like this.

  “Come sit down…” I pat the couch, wanting to calm him but also to sate him as soon as possible. “I told you this because I wanted you to know. I needed you to at least hear it even if you can’t remember. Even if you can’t feel the pain you felt, you need to know this if we’re going to have any shot at moving forward. I need you to know that I’m going to try everything to be open and honest with you. To not shut down on you when things get hard. I promise I’m not going to run, but I need you to promise not to run either. You can’t turn to someone else just because I can’t give you what you need.”