Where the Heart Is (Hearts Series Book 1)

by L. S. Pullen

“Nathaniel might be by the tree house if you wanted to say goodbye,” she says, hope in her voice.

  I nod even though I have no intention of going to him. I don’t know if I’ll have the willpower to leave if I do. It’s all too claustrophobic—being here at the moment.

  Case in tow, I wait outside. Most of the guests have already left, so it’s just the sound of Simon’s car as it comes up the drive. He stops and climbs out, opening his arms. I go to him.

  “Baby girl, sorry, but you look like shit.”

  “Thanks,” I say into his chest.

  He pulls back to look at me.

  “Do you need to say goodbye? Or are you ready to go?”

  “I’m ready.” I smile as Sophie waves at me from the passenger seat. Simon throws my case into the boot while I climb into the back seat.

  “Hey, you okay?” she asks, straining in her seat belt to look around.

  “I’ve been better.”

  Simon gets in the car, about to pull away, but he pauses as I tap his shoulder.

  “Seatbelt.”

  He rolls his eyes, staring at me from the rear-view mirror, but clips it into place.

  “Satisfied?” he asks.

  I hear my name being called and look out of the window to see Nate.

  Shit.

  “Go, Simon.”

  “Sweetness, I can’t…he saw us looking.”

  I let out a frustrated sigh, unclip my belt, and get out of the car.

  “Flick?” asks Nate, breathless as he jogs over to me. His tie is loose, the top button of his collar undone. I get the faint whiff of alcohol, causing my nose to twitch.

  “Nate,” I reply, crossing my arms.

  “Charlie told me you’re leaving.”

  I look over his shoulder. Charlie shrugs, hands in the air as if to say, sorry.

  “Yeah, I’m going to Simon’s for a few days.”

  He nods in Simon’s direction. I look behind me. Apparently, he also got out of the car. His body language is guarded as he stands with his door open. Simon waves back to Nate—not awkward at all.

  Nate leans closer. “Is this because of what happened yesterday?”

  I lean away from the vapours of his drink-laced breath. “No, not really.” I’m lying, I know I am, and so does he. I can’t do this—not now.

  “I’m sorry. The things I said were unjustified,” he says, stuffing one hand in his pocket, pulling on his tie with the other.

  “I understand. It wasn’t the best way for you to find out,” I say. My voice doesn’t sound like my own.

  “Please, Flick,” he says, his look pleading.

  But his words from yesterday haunt me—the way he turned so easily. And then seeing him with Rachel felt like a knife to the gut. I shake my head and hug him. Not giving him a chance to reciprocate, I pull back.

  “I’ll call you in a few days,” I say as I try hard to keep the tremble from my voice.

  “Can’t you stay? So we can talk after everyone has gone?”

  I shake my head. “Sorry, Nate, I can’t.”

  I turn away from him, climb back in, and fasten my seatbelt.

  Simon follows suit.

  “Please, can we go now?” It’s more of a plea than a request. My lips wobble. He looks at me in the mirror, eyebrows drawn in a V shape. He pulls the car away quicker than expected. Sophie looks quizzically at Simon and then strains to look at me. Her eyes go wide.

  “Hell, to the no,” she states, looking angry.

  I look back out the window. Charlie’s standing next to Nate, hand on his shoulder. Nate’s head is hung low. I face forward as my sobs rattle through my body.

  “Simon, stop the car now.”

  I flinch, ready to freak out. I don’t want him to stop the car. I shake my head as she unclips her seatbelt. She turns in her seat, and unceremoniously, climbs over the centre console, landing in the back of the car at an odd angle. Then she tugs on her seatbelt.

  “Go,” she demands.

  He does as he’s told. The tyre wheels spin as he hits the accelerator.

  She puts her arm over my shoulder, bringing my body as close to her as she can. Another onslaught of tears wreak havoc. Simon turns on the radio, and with the worst possible timing, the first line of Against All Odds by Phil Collins explodes through the speakers. He panics as he turns the volume up before switching it off, calling out sorry over his shoulder.

  Chapter Twenty

  How did this just happen? Intimate moments we shared to a devastating revelation. I still can’t quite digest that Gramps isn’t my real Gramps, or that I keep thinking about him in present tense even though he’s gone, but watching her leave? I felt like I lost a part of myself.

  “I seriously thought she changed her mind when his car stopped earlier, man,” I say to Charlie.

  “Yeah, me too,” he replies.

  “Shit, what the fuck have I done?” I rake my hands through my hair—on the verge of pulling it out.

  “I hate to be the one to point out the obvious, but you’ve fucked up, my friend. That girl came to pick you up last night. It didn’t help that some prick grabbed her arm… I’ve never seen her look like that. I thought you were exaggerating about her anxiety, but you weren’t.”

  I round on him, clenching my fists. “What the fuck? Did he hurt her?”

  He shakes his head. “Of course not. I kicked him out. She waited in my office while I came back to get your sorry arse. But the fool that you are, you left with Rachel—oh and she saw her drop you off this morning, by the way.”

  He raises his eyebrows, waiting for my response.

  “What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, throwing my arms in the air.

  “I didn’t have the chance. Besides, I didn’t think today was appropriate to start questioning your piss-poor judgement. Why you had your tongue down Rachel’s throat is beyond me. Even more so when you have someone as special as Felicity bending over backward for you.”

  “It wasn’t what it looked like. Nothing even happened with Rachel.”

  “And what did it look like? She saw her mouth on yours, dude,” he says, clipping me around the ear hole.

  I flinch. “I don’t even know what happened… One minute, she was talking to me, and the next, her lips were on mine. I stopped it as soon as my brain registered. And honest to God, I didn’t do anything with her last night, either. I was in no fit state, and even if I were, it wouldn’t have happened. Flick is all I think about,” I say, sitting down and unlacing my shoes. I pull off my socks and stuff them inside.

  “Listen, it’s not me you need to convince. I know you’re hurting—it was a lot to handle, but for some dumb reason, she doesn’t seem to believe you actually care about her.”

  “What? She said that?”

  “Not those exact words, but the girl clearly has self-esteem issues, and whatever transpired between you two hasn’t helped.”

  I pull at a handful of grass. “I was a complete prick. She tried to calm me down, but I only saw red. I completely went off on one about her and Simon, but what’s worse, I used something bad that happened to her, against her.” I feel sick to my stomach. Scrubbing my face with my hand, I jump up and rush to the bin by the garage—emptying the contents of my stomach.

  “Shit, man. What the hell happened to her?”

  I wipe my mouth with one of the hankies I think Flick loaded in my pocket. Fucking hell, even after the way I treated her, she still does shit like this.

  “It’s so bad—what I threw at her—honestly, if she never spoke to me again, I wouldn’t blame her. It’s not my story to tell, but the guilt is killing me, man.” I have to talk to someone. “Promise me you won’t mention this to her unless she does?”

  “You don’t even have to ask. I’ll take it to my grave if I have to.”

  I nod—of course he would. “I know. Sorry, I think I need to take the edge off.”

  I go into the garage, grab the tequila, two glasses, and a bottle of water. I down half the water
, then pour us a shot of tequila each. I pass him his, and he gives me a wide-eyed look.

  “Believe me, you’re going to need it.”

  He accepts it and knocks it back. I take a seat in one of the chairs by the open door of the garage, bottle in hand. Wiping my sweaty palms down my suit trousers, I take a deep breath and tell him what she told me.

  He looks as sick as I feel, shaking his head. “And what happened to the arseholes? Were they prosecuted?” he asks, clenching his fists.

  I shake my head. “No, that’s the worst part. The place they woke up in was being used by squatters—no trace of who they were. There wasn’t enough evidence or some bullshit like that.”

  “Fuck, and you used this against her?”

  “Yeah,” I croak out. Ashamed is an understatement. I crumble from the weight of what I did—feeling no better than those scum bags who violated her. I dig my palms into my eyes, not giving two shits what I look like. I hurt her, and then to top it off, she sees the whole fucked-up Rachel situation. I swallow the lump in my throat, unable to hold back my tears.

  “You need to grovel. Tell her what a dick you were and still are. I’m not going to lie, I could totally kick your arse right now.”

  “And I’d deserve it.”

  “But it wouldn’t change anything. You’re a good guy, Nate. I know you’d never have said it if you were in your right mind. Let’s put it down to grief.”

  “I don’t know what to do. How the hell am I going to fix this?”

  He shakes his head. “First off, we might as well finish this—” he grabs the bottle, “—and when you’re hungover, and feeling your worse possible self, we’ll begin Operation Get Felicity Back. You have a lot of work ahead of you.”

  “What if she never forgives me? She trusted me, and I threw it back in her face.” Talk about a self-pity party.

  “I don’t know, but we’ll think of something. You’ll have to pull at those heartstrings of hers. Is your Nan still holding the Help for Heroes charity event?”

  I nod, the tequila kicking in. “Yeah, she said Gramps wouldn’t want it to be cancelled.”

  “Then, we’ll start there.”

  I wake the next day like death warmed up, with the king of all hangovers. Like this isn’t punishment enough, I have a day of chores ahead of me—no rest for the wicked. All day, I have been ignoring the letter that’s been sitting on my desk. It’s pathetic, but truth is I don’t want to read it on my own…it means accepting he really is gone.

  I grabbed the letter and jogged over to the tree house. I’ve been sitting here, with my legs dangling over the edge for the past hour, turning the envelope over in my hands.

  It’s not going to open itself.

  I take a deep breath and rip it open. The paper I pull out holds his final words he’ll ever leave me.

  Nate,

  Son, if you’re reading this, it can only mean one thing. Believe me, I fought the disease, but when your times up, it’s up. I can’t complain. I’ve been truly blessed to have you all in my life.

  I never talked to you about this, but it was hard for me growing up. My family didn’t show affection, they never said I love you or told me everything was going to be all right. They just weren’t wired that way.

  I tried to be a good man. I never wanted any of you to feel unwanted, or worse— unloved like I did. All of you have always been the most precious parts of my life.

  This is why what I’m about to say may cause you to doubt me, but I pray to God it doesn’t. Truth is, I never found the courage to tell you while I was still here. I’d always find an excuse—your parents’ death or my illness—I used it as an out.

  I saw first-hand how these things affected you, and I didn’t want to add to your pain.

  My best friend growing up was Samuel. We named your father after him. He was like a brother to me. We did everything together. Even though we were from very different backgrounds, we never let anything come between us.

  Like the young fools we were, we enlisted in the RAF, but he was killed during a training exercise. It was the first time in my life I experienced death and understood what it was like to lose someone I loved.

  God, we were so naïve. We thought we were invincible, with the world at our feet. But the reality was and still is…life is fleeting.

  Your Nan had been courting him, and already devastated with her grief, she found herself pregnant and alone. Her parents had no idea about their relationship, of course, but that was both a blessing and a curse.

  He had been planning on asking her father for her hand in marriage. I was the one who broke the news to her, and if I thought she was distraught before, I was sadly mistaken.

  Ana and I had been courting for over a year. In my mind, the two of us would marry and raise a family in a loving home where we could grow old together. She was my first love.

  I spent so much time agonising over the situation. Eventually, I came up with what I thought was the only solution—a marriage of convenience to Evie.

  Of course, she refused. She wouldn’t do that, not to Ana and me. Even back then, she had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever met. It was Ana who talked her into it in the end. She told her that if she couldn’t do it for herself, then she had to think of the baby.

  She knew her family would disown her if they found out the truth, so she agreed.

  The day we married, I felt like it was happening to someone else. Ana supported us through it all, even though I knew it was breaking her heart while she stood by and watched.

  But I had to believe it was the right thing to do, and if it was Samuel instead of me, and our roles were reversed, that he’d do the same.

  It wasn’t until Samuel Junior turned fourteen that he became curious and began asking questions. He didn’t look anything like his brothers or me. He was the spitting image of Sami. Your father always was too intuitive for his own good. Evie and I discussed it long and hard before sitting him down. He took it better than we’d expected, of course he did, he was like Evie—empathetic to a fault.

  I fell for her during that first year of our marriage. I didn’t want to, I was still in love with Ana. I struggled with my conscience, my head and my heart telling me two different things. Being in love with both of them was like my heart had been ripped in two, but everything worked out how it was supposed to in the end.

  I’m sorry I never told you. All I ever wanted was to be your protector. I hope that in time, you’ll find a way to forgive an old, foolish man. Try not to harbour any ill feelings towards your Nan. God only knows she’s suffered enough for one lifetime. And the thought alone cripples me—knowing I won't be there to ease her pain, to look after her. She'll need you now more than ever.

  You are and always will be loved, and I’m proud of the man you’ve become. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your Uncles or Aunt. Nothing has changed now I’m gone… Family is still everything.

  Knowing I won't see you settle down and start a family of your own is a low blow, but you’ll make a good husband and an even better father. The thought brings me joy.

  You and Felicity may have drifted apart, but she has her reasons, and I have faith the two of you will find your way back to one another. And when the day comes for you to find the courage to ask her the most important question of your life… Your Nan and I would be honoured if you gave her Samuel’s engagement ring…the one intended for your grandmother.

  It’s a daunting feeling—leaving—but I finally get to see my best friend again. I hope he isn’t disappointed in how I raised Samuel Junior, and that I’ve made him proud.

  Remember to always be true to yourself, to embrace life and love fiercely. Respect the life you’ve been given and remember it’s a gift, not a given right.

  Love always,

  Your Gramps

  I fold the letter carefully and place it back in the envelope. Then I wipe my face with my sleeve and look up to the sky.

  “Hey, Gramps. I miss you so damn much, and I promis
e I’m going to do my best to make this right.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Nate has been relentless since I bailed on the day of the funeral. Although I haven’t spoken to him on the phone, he’s been texting, and it wasn’t long before I caved and began replying to him.

  “What’s up?” Sophie asks. The sofa dips as she plops down beside me, munching on an apple—she loves apples.

  “Just my Nan being persistent about this fundraiser. It’s not like it’s just for the day, either, it’s the whole weekend. There’s only one way I’ll be able to cope. I can’t do it on my own, and that’s why you’re coming with me.”

  “What? No way, count me out,” she says, shaking her head.

  I turn to her and clasp my hands together. “Please? You used to go to those church shindigs all the time.”

  Her mouth gapes open, a chunk of uneaten apple in view. As soon as the words have left my mouth, I know I’ve put my foot in it.

  “That’s different.” She chews the rest of her apple and swallows with a contorted look on her face.

  “Exactly, so you’ll come?”

  She raises her eyebrows. “What the heck, you’re serious? I don’t want to… But I’ll do it. But only on one condition.”

  I bounce up and down. “Anything.”

  “If I have to go, then so does Simon,” she replies with a smirk.

  “So does Simon what?” he asks, walking in, covered in sweat from his workout. He takes a huge gulp of water, perching on the arm of the sofa.

  “A fundraiser at Nate’s for the whole weekend,” she replies, cutting her eyes at me.

  He slaps his thigh. “Oh, goodie, count me in.”

  Sophie looks at me, her eyes wide at his enthusiasm.

  “Geez, gay much?” she says with a shake of her head.

  He punches her in the arm. She’s quick as she shoves him, and he jumps up and grabs her in a headlock, sticking his sweaty armpit near her face.

  “Simon, get your stink off me,” she says, trying to cover her nose.

  He lets go, laughing to himself. “So, what are you going to wear?”