Where the Heart Is (Hearts Series Book 1)
Page 23
You can’t help how you feel, and love isn’t a choice. If it’s not reciprocated, are they the ones in the wrong? Probably not.
I don’t have a day that I don’t think about what happened that night we went to the club. Whether the thoughts are brief or all-consuming, they’re always there, hiding in the dark shadows—the silhouettes of the faceless monsters who took something that didn’t belong to them, an innocence that once it’s gone, you can never get back.
I spiralled into a state of self-hate once before. It was a grief I thought I’d never be able to break away from, but I did. Sophie always says we are a work in progress—broken but not decimated. We both carry internal scars…ones others cannot see, or will ever understand the weight of the burden that drowns us.
I left Nate sleeping. If my dreams disturbed him as much as they did me, he must be knackered. I’ve been in the tree house long enough to see the sunrise, its rays as it kissed the lake and the trees, lined with burnt oranges and reds, casting light in every direction.
Sunrise signifies a new day, a new dawn. But for me, the inner turmoil is attaching itself to my subconscious like a tick with a mouthful of hooks, and I am helpless to stop it.
It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better, and I don’t want to burden Nate. I don’t want him to suffer at the hands of my inner demons. He deserves better. And I know for me to get past this, I can’t be here. As much as I want to, it’s not fair to him. So, I’ll do what I do best—I’ll run, and go stay with Simon and Sophie. I know they won’t ask questions.
I trudge my heavy body back to my room and creep in. I grab my travel case and call myself a cab once I’m in the kitchen. I’m a coward. I should at least wake him, tell him bye…leave a note, even. But he will dig his heels in, I know him. He wants to protect me, but he can’t—not from myself.
Outside, the gravel crunches mercilessly beneath my trainers. Every noise has me jittery. I let out the biggest breath when I see my cab approach. My heart doesn’t stop racing until we’re a good twenty minutes away, the thought of Nate catching me leaving would have been too much.
I call Sophie.
“Hey, bunny.”
“Hi,” she replies. The click, click, click that sounds like an indicator in the background throws me off.
“Are you driving?”
“No, just getting a lift back to Simon’s.”
I pick at the skin around my nails. “Will you ever call it home?”
“Probably not.”
“I’m on my way, I’ll see you in a bit.”
“But I thought you were staying with Nate.”
I sniff back the tears. “It’s complicated.”
“Isn’t it always… Left here.” I hear a muffled response in the background. “I have to go, I’ll see you when you get here.”
“Okay,” I say as I hang up. Wonder where she’s been?
I see a text from Nate. Cursing myself with shaky hands, I can’t not read it.
Are you okay? I woke up, and you were gone!
I don’t know how to respond. Ignore it. When my palm vibrates, I look down. He’s calling. I divert it to my voicemail.
A buzz alerts me of another text.
Flick, pick up your phone. I’m worried
How can I ignore him? Shit. Hands trembling, I type a reply.
Sorry, I just need some space. Don’t worry.
Seconds later, another buzz.
How could I not? I woke up, and you were fucking gone.
Damn it!
I try to think of a suitable reply. But he’s already sending another text. I bite my lip hard.
Sorry, it’s just you were so upset yesterday and I wake up and you’ve vanished.
I squeeze my eyes shut, and count when it starts to vibrate again. I contemplate ignoring it, but he deserves better than that…after all, this is my fault.
“Hello,” I say hoarsely.
“Flick, just come back…so we can talk.”
I clear my throat. “I can’t, sorry.”
“Would you stop saying you’re sorry already? Just come home, Flick.”
“Nate, I can’t…it’s too complicated.” I rub my face.
“What is?”
“This…me and you.” I don’t even know what the heck I’m saying.
He goes silent. I have to look at my screen to see if he’s still there.
“Nate,” I whisper.
“Flick, I fucking love you. I want to be with you.”
Tears I can no longer hold back are free falling. I wipe at them angrily and glance up to see the driver looking in his rear-view mirror. He looks back to the road.
“I just can’t.”
He lets out a frustrated sound. “What do you mean? Can’t? Or do you mean, you won’t? I know you love me, too. You’re just scared… Fuck, I don’t want to be having this conversation over the goddamn phone. Just come home, please.”
“I can’t. It’s too hard.”
I hear the clatter of metal and what sounds like a door slamming.
“I know why you’re pulling away, but you don’t have to. Let me help you.”
I take a deep inhale of air. “Nate, you don’t understand what it was like. Sophie and Simon have been through it before. It’s not something I want you to see.” I pick at the skin underneath my elbow.
“That’s bollocks. When you love someone, you stick together through the bullshit, the good, the bad and the damn right ugly.”
“I need time, Nate. You need to understand that I can’t be fixed. I am not one of your fucking cars.” I need to get through to him. He has to know what I’m saying makes sense. How can I expect us to work, when the shit has already hit the proverbial fan?
“I’ll give you space if that’s what you want. But I’m not happy about it. This isn’t my choice. I’m respecting your decision, but it doesn’t mean I agree with it.”
“Sorry…” I whisper.
He lets out a groan. “Stop saying you’re fucking sorry. You say it like you’re saying goodbye.” The anger drips from his voice like fat off a griddle.
“That’s not what I meant.” I ping my band so hard, it breaks. The sting does nothing to ease my nerves.
“I know…it’s me being an arsehole.”
“I have to go.”
“Call me later, or at least text, let me know you’re all right.”
“Okay.”
“Be safe. I love you.” His voice cracks.
“I know you do.” I end the call. Saying it back would have made it harder. I want to sleep, to not have to deal with life. These suffocating emotions… I’m fed up with treading water. I’m exhausted. It’s like my body is shutting down. I just want to forget the world.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
It’s been four fucking days.
Apart from the text to say she arrived at Simon’s, I haven’t heard from her. I’ve sent her texts, but still…nada. I’ve nearly trashed my phone at least twenty times just to stop myself from ringing her. I drowned my sorrows into a bottle of whiskey, but it didn’t numb me like I wanted. If anything, it made me ache for her more.
I just want her to want me, to let me be there for her. Words can only do so much, but I need to show her that out of the darkness, there is light.
Am I hurt she pushed me away? Of course, I am. I’m jealous of the relationship she has with Simon and Sophie. Angry they get to be there for her, and I don’t. But I know that’s my ego talking. All she’d be doing if she gave in is stroking it, and that’s not what I want. I want her to want me.
I’m taking all my frustration out on this damn engine, but at this rate, I’m more likely to fuck it up beyond repair. I throw my spanner at my toolbox, knocking the contents on top all over the place.
“Easy, mate, don’t blame the tools,” Charlie says.
“Whatever.”
He holds his palms up. “Whoa, who took the jam out of your donut?”
I sit down and drop my head into my hands.
“Sorry, man,” I say, scrubbing my face.
“No offence, but you look like shit. What’s happened?”
I look up, letting out a frustrated sigh. “It’s Flick.”
“What about her? You both looked fine the other day.”
I grind my jaw. “We were…until she left.”
He sits down, eyebrows raised. “What do you mean? She left?”
“I woke up the other morning, and she was gone.”
“What?”
Fucking hell, do I need to spell it out to him? What part of this does he not get?
“She was a wreck after we came back from the airport. It was the night you texted about Sophie. It’s her birthday soon…dredges up bad memories.”
“Might explain why Sophie was a mess after her friends bailed on her. She ended up back at mine—”
I shoot to my feet, glaring at him, my fists clenched.
“Fucking hell, not like that. I’m not an arsehole. It was a lift, that’s all, but she passed out. I had no idea where she lived.”
“She lives with Simon,” I say, and lean back against one of the cars, too wired to keep still.
“She does?” He looks perplexed
I nod. “Yeah, it’s a recent development. Apparently, her parents are jerks.”
He shrugs. “I ended up taking her to mine to sleep it off. It was all above board. I even drove her home the next morning, but don’t say anything…she was adamant Flick would be disappointed if she found out.”
“Thanks for taking care of her.”
“It’s fine. It makes sense now why her behaviour was a little erratic. She never once took her eyes off me when I served her a drink. It’s not surprising after what they’ve been through…”
I throw my hands up. “It’s the reason Flick is pushing me away.”
“Then give her time.”
“I’m trying, but it’s already been four fucking days.”
He grabs the back of his neck. “I don’t think there’s a time limit on something like this…”
“Whatever, man. Do you really have to make sense all the time?” I may not have my Gramps, but I’ve at least got Charlie.
“I can’t help it, what can I say? I’m special.”
I cock my head. “You keep telling yourself that.”
“Someone has to,” he says, smoothing his eyebrows.
“I’m sure there are plenty of women who’d happily tell you how special you are.”
He shakes his head, the smirk gone. “What? And end up like you over a girl? No thanks.”
I smile for the first time in days. “She’s not just any girl, though. She’s my girl.”
“And she loves you, she always has, it’s as clear as day. Just try to be patient with her.”
I grind my jaw. At this rate, I’ll need dentures. “Don’t you think I’m trying?”
I grab hold of my hair and push off from the car.
I hear a crunching sound, followed by the screaming of metal.
I spin around just as the car slides down the ramps. It’s like everything slows down as the car comes straight for me.
I fall backward.
The air is knocked out of me.
My head bounces off the floor and jars my mouth. My teeth smash against one another.
My ears ring so loudly, it’s as if a firework has been set off in front of my face. Bright light flickers in and out before I’m pulled into complete and utter darkness.
Chapter Thirty
I have a tendency to clam up, but this time, it’s different. It isn’t just about me—I need to consider Nate’s feelings in all of this, too.
With my Nana being back in France with Evie, and Mum smitten with Luke, I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve been trying to keep busy, running and taking photos, but everything I do brings me back to Nate. I’ve been waking in cold sweats from the nightmares to the point I thought I’d wet myself. The only thing that made them bearable was waking up in Nate’s arms.
Simon said nothing when I arrived on his doorstep, my face tear-streaked. He opened his arms and held me as I cried for all the things I want, and all the things I’ve lost.
Sophie throws a cushion at my head. “I can’t tell you what to do but you and I both know you’re just putting off the inevitable. If you ask me, you and Nate belong together. Whether that time was yesterday, today or tomorrow…you are meant to be.”
I hug the cushion, running my palm over the soft material. “I love him, but I keep hurting him every time I push him away. He could have pulled back after the airport, but he didn’t. He’s so attentive, sweet and kind…and that’s what frightens me.”
She looks at me like I’m bat-shit crazy. “What? That he’s sweet and kind?”
I shake my head. “No, giving him the power to break me.”
“Flick, if you can trust anyone, I think it’s him. Come on, think about it, how good was he and Charlie, for that matter—when that idiot showed up at the fundraiser? Besides, there are worse things than letting someone love you.”
You would think after the way she’s been treated, she’d be anti-love—not pro. She never ceases to amaze me. I’m going to try to take some strength from her and make things right with Nate before I push him away for good.
I dig around in my bag for my lip balm, but as I move my phone, I notice a missed call. I swipe at the screen to see who it’s from.
“That’s weird.”
“What is?” Soph asks me with a concerned look on her face.
“I have a missed call from Charlie.”
Her lips form a straight line as she watches while I listen to the voicemail.
I sit forward, an overwhelming urge to throw up.
“Shit,” I get to my feet and begin pacing. “There’s been some sort of accident… Nate’s been taken to hospital.” My voice wobbles as panic sets in.
Sophie stands, coming into my line of sight and takes my hand in hers. “Which hospital? I’ll drive.”
I reel off the hospital as she makes quick work of rounding up her bag and keys. She ushers me out of the door—apparently, my legs seem to have forgotten how to work.
She guides me by the elbow towards the car and coaxes me to get in before fastening my seatbelt.
“I think you may be in shock,” she says, leaning over to the glove box and pulling out a pack of tissues before handing them to me. “Everything is going to be fine.” She types the hospital into the sat nav.
I nod and wipe my eyes. With shaking fingers, I pull up Charlie’s number. When he answers, my throat closes up, and instead of speaking, a choked sob escapes. I can hear him but can’t make out what he’s saying.
Sophie has already pulled away. She glances over to me. “Flick, hang up. I can call him on hands-free. Type the number into my phone.”
I manage to do what she asks. After one ring, his voice echoes through the speaker.
“Hello?”
“It’s Sophie, you’re on speaker phone. Can you tell us what happened?”
“There was an accident. A car fell off the ramp, and he was trapped underneath.”
I squeeze my eyes shut.
“How bad is it?” she asks, her voice eerily calm.
“I don’t know. When the paramedics arrived, he was unconscious. Flick, are you all right?”
I cannot believe he is asking after me, of all people.
“She’ll feel better once we’re there.”
“Understandable, how far away are you?”
She glances to the sat nav. “About half an hour, forty minutes at most.”
“Drive safe. If anything changes, I’ll call you.”
The remainder of the drive is silent, apart from the sat nav.
Time seems to slow down.
Every second feels like a minute.
Every minute feels like an hour.
Charlie is outside of accident and emergency when Sophie drops me to go park. He jogs over, pulling me into a hug. I feel numb.
“Any news yet?” she asks.
“Not a word. This is fucking ridiculous.” Charlie slumps down in the seat opposite.
“How did it happen?” I stare at his knees—covered in dirt and blood—and take a deep breath.
His hands hang between his legs. “I don’t know. One minute we were talking, then the next thing I know, the car has come off the ramps, headed straight for him. I called an ambulance and managed to get the jack under the car, but I didn’t want to risk moving him—” He grabs hold of the back of his neck. “What if I fucked up? What if I made it worse when I took the weight off him?”
Sophie goes to kneel in front of him. “Charlie, you did the right thing. He was lucky you were there.” Taking his hand, she gives it a squeeze. “Waiting is the hardest part. We need to let them do their jobs. I’ll go see if I can get an update.”
She stands, looking around him. “Did you not get yourself a tea?” she asks.
He shakes his head.
“You need sugar, too. I’ll be back.”
Charlie sits next to me. “She’s really something, isn’t she?” he says.
I nod and sip my tea, hoping like hell I can keep it down. The thought of Nate being trapped under a car conjures ghastly images in my head that I’d rather not see.
Charlie bounces his knee up and down. “I’m so sorry, Flick.”
“What? God, Charlie, it’s not your fault. You were there. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn’t been…”
He nods and stands when Sophie walks back over with his tea. “That was quick,” he says.
She shrugs. “I’ll be right back. Look after her,” she says, pointing.
“Sitting right here,” I say.
She smiles. “Glad to hear it. I’ll see what I can find out.” She turns and heads in the direction of the main reception. I watch in awe at her ability to be so in control of a really fucked-up situation.