Plum Lucky

by Janet Evanovich

  “I can do it,” Snuggy said. “Doug is depending on me.”

  My phone rang, and I snatched it out of my pocket, hoping it was Briggs.

  “Plum?”

  It was Lou Delvina. Easy to recognize his croaky voice.

  “You better be on the road with my money,” Delvina said.

  “Not yet, but I’m working on it.”

  “You have until three o’clock. First, I kill the horse, and then the old lady. And then I’ll come get you. Or maybe I should go for your mother next. Or your sister. Or even better, one of your little nieces.”

  Delvina disconnected, and Diesel wrapped an arm around me. “Are you okay? Your face just went white.”

  “We need to get Delvina his money.”

  Diesel looked over at the registration desk and then at Snuggy. “I know I’m going to regret this,” Diesel said.

  “How do you want to do it?” Snuggy asked. “Do you want me to just slip behind the desk and go to the elevator?”

  “No. I need to go to the elevator with you. That means I need a diversion, so we’re going to play some slots.”

  Ten minutes later, Lula had a bucket filled with quarters and nickels.

  “I love when they have nickel slots,” Lula said, two arms around the bucket. “I like seeing all that money drop into the tray. It don’t matter that you only won eight dollars. It’s the experience of the money coming out at you that counts. And I can’t believe how lucky we were. I never was able to fill a bucket like this.”

  I cut my eyes to Diesel.

  “I’m a lucky kind of guy,” Diesel said.

  “Maybe you’re a leprechaun.”

  “It doesn’t say leprechaun on my driver’s license.”

  “Well, if anyone would know, it would be the DMV.”

  “Okay, let’s do it,” Diesel said. “This is how it’s going to go down. Stephanie stays here, so we have someone to float bail if we all get arrested. Snuggy stays glued to my side until I get the communications scrambled. And Lula creates chaos, so Snuggy and I can get behind the desk.”

  “I get it,” Lula said. “You want me to dump the bucket.”

  “Exactly,” Diesel said. “Make sure all eyes are on you.”

  Lula shrugged out of the black jacket and handed it over. “Leave it to me. You have to be dead not to be looking at me do this. I’m gonna be the Queen of Chaos.”

  Lula minced up to the desk in her stiletto heels and skintight gold-​sequined supermodel outfit. The skirt was three inches below her ass, and her boobs moved like Jell-​o barely held in place by the bustier. She held the bucket of change at arm’s length in front of her, not wanting to distract from her natural assets.

  “Yoohoo!” she called to one of the men behind the registration desk. “I’m almost a supermodel, and I’ve got a bucket full of money. I’m thinking I might need some help protecting all this money. I’m thinking... whoops!” Lula stumbled, jerked the bucket, and the money shot out in all directions. “My money!” Lula shrieked.

  Lula bent to retrieve her money, and her left boob fell out of the top and her skirt rode up past the full moon. She was wearing a matching gold thong, but most of the thong was lost in deep space. The entire hotel and casino gasped. It was as if all the air instantly got sucked in and, seconds later, got spewed out. Four guards rushed to the scene, and all six men behind the registration desk were mouths agape, eyes glued to Lula.

  Lula stood and pushed her boob back into the top of her dress and pulled her skirt down. Then she bent in another direction to get her money, and the boob fell out again, and the dress rode up. People were scrambling around her, trying to scoop up the change and return it to the bucket without unduly sticking their noses in Lula’s business. And Lula kept spilling the money out of the bucket and bending over.

  “My word,” Lula exclaimed. “Mercy me! Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.”

  Diesel and Snuggy disappeared behind the door that led to the elevator, and Lula continued to create chaos. She was finally stopped by an assistant manager, who grabbed the bucket. Most of the change was returned to the bucket, and the manager asked Lula if she would like the change converted into paper money or Daffy Dollars.

  “Do you think I should?” Lula asked him. “What would you do? Maybe I should just take this and keep playing. I think I’m hot. Don’t I look hot?” Lula looked over at me. “What do you think I should do?”

  I was watching the door behind the desk. Fifteen minutes had passed. Briggs had returned in ten when he got Diesel’s poker stake.

  “I think you should put it back in the machine,” I said. “And save some for parking meters.”

  The door opened and Diesel ambled out. He was stopped by one of the registration people. He swayed a little and smiled. Snatches of conversation carried across the floor.

  “Lookin’ for the can,” Diesel said. “They said it was in there, but I couldn’t find it. There should be signs, right? How’re people supposed to know?”

  “Public restrooms are across the lobby,” Diesel was told.

  “Okay,” Diesel said, and he wandered toward me, a little unsteady on his feet. He reached Lula, and the door behind the desk banged open, and Snuggy came flying out. Snuggy was moving so fast his legs were a green blur. The guard chasing after him was slow by comparison, overweight and breathing hard.

  Diesel bumped into Lula and knocked the bucket out of her hands. For the second time, people scurried for the money like roaches on pie. The guard pulled up, unsure of Snuggy’s direction, craning his neck, attempting to see around the gathering crowd.

  “I’ll give ya ten dollars to do me in the lot,” Diesel said to Lula.

  “I’m there,” Lula said. “Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “I got business.”

  We all power walked through the casino and broke into a run when we reached the lot. Snuggy was already in the RV with the engine cranked over when we tumbled in.

  “Go,” Diesel said to Snuggy. “And don’t look back.”

  A half hour later, we were on the Garden State Parkway heading for Trenton, and my heart rate was almost normal.

  “What the heck was that back there?” Lula wanted to know.

  Diesel was sprawled on the couch. “I was able to scramble the feed, but just to be safe I went down in the elevator with Mr. Sneaky. What happened after that is classic Snuggy O’Connor.

  “The elevator doors opened, Snuggy zipped out and went straight to the guard at the desk and started thumbing through the guy’s logbook, looking for the box number. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”the guard says. “And where did you come from? Where’s your ID?”So Snuggy says, “You can’t see me. I’m a leprechaun.”

  “I could have sworn I disappeared,” Snuggy said, concentrating, keeping his eyes on the road while he drove.

  “But he wasn’t disappeared?” Lula guessed.

  “Not even a little,” Diesel said. “The guard pulled his gun and pointed it at Snuggy’s forehead.”

  “I don’t understand why it didn’t work,” Snuggy said. “It always worked before.”

  “Maybe it didn’t work because you aren’t a friggin’ leprechaun,” Diesel said.

  “Did you get the money?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” Diesel said. “I persuaded the guard to go to sleep, and we got the money. And then Green Pants panicked when a second guard came in. He took off shrieking like a girl and ran all the hell over the building with the guard running after him.”

  My phone rang, and I grimaced at the number displayed. It was my mother.

  “I’m calling the police,” my mother said. “Where are you?”

  “I’m on my way back to Trenton.”

  “Thank goodness. Let me talk to your grandmother.”

  “She’s sleeping.”

  “It’s morning. How could she be sleeping?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure she’s sleeping.”

  “Will you be home soon?” my mother asked. “I have
cold cuts for lunch. Should I make some potato salad? Maybe get some nice rolls.”

  “Grandma said she wanted to go shopping, so we won’t be home for lunch. I’m going to take her to Quaker Bridge Mall.” I made some static sounds. “I’m breaking up,” I yelled into the phone. “Can’t hear you. Gotta go.” And I disconnected.

  Diesel was smiling. “You’re going straight to hell for lying to your mother.”

  “You never lied to your mother?”

  “I’m a guy. It’s expected.”

  “What’s the plan when we hit Trenton?” Snuggy wanted to know. “Where am I supposed to park this monster?”

  “Drop Lula and me at the bonds office on Hamilton, so we can get our cars. Then you can park this in the lot behind my apartment building,” I said.

  Stephanie Plum 13.5 - Plum Lucky

  Chapter 7

  Lula and I watched the RV pull away from the curb and chug down Hamilton.

  “This has been a strange couple days,” Lula said. “Good luck and bad luck and good luck and bad luck. And then there’s the stupid leprechaun. And now your grandma’s been kidnapped. How often does that happen? “Course, there was that time she got locked up in the casket and burned the funeral home down. I guess that counts for a kidnap.”

  I was fishing through my purse, searching for my car keys. “I’m worried about her. Delvina is a scary guy”

  “Tell you the truth, I’m worried about her, too. Is there anything I can do?”

  “No, but thanks. You were great today.”

  “I’m going inside to talk to Connie.” She looked past me to the car pulling up to the curb. “You have a visitor. Mr. Tall, Hot, and Handsome is here.”

  Ranger parked his black Porsche Turbo and angled out of the car. He was in his usual Rangeman black.

  Black boots, black cargo pants that fit perfectly across his butt, black T-​shirt under a black windbreaker with rangeman written in black on the sleeve. He walked over and gave me a friendly, lingering kiss on my temple, just above my ear.

  “Babe.”

  Babe covered a lot of ground with Ranger. Depending on the inflection, it could be sexy, scolding, or wistful. He said “babe” when I amused him, astonished him, and exasperated him. Today, it was mostly hello.

  He gave my ponytail a playful tug. “You look worried.”

  “I could use some help. Lou Delvina kidnapped Grandma.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “This morning. Two days ago, on St. Patrick’s Day, Grandma found a bag of money. She bought an RV and hired Randy Briggs to drive her to Atlantic City. Turns out, the money belonged to this little guy who thinks he’s a leprechaun. And the leprechaun stole the money from Delvina. So Delvina kidnapped the leprechaun’s horse and Grandma until he gets his money. Problem is, we only have some of his money.”

  “We?”

  “Diesel and me.”

  Ranger covered his face with his hands, pressing his fingertips against his eyes. It was one of those gestures you do instead of jumping off a bridge or choking someone. “Diesel,” Ranger said.

  “He’s not your favorite person?”

  “We don’t hang out together.”

  “I think he turned Delvina into a toad.”

  “Delvina only looks like a toad. Under the warts, he’s still a middle-​aged, mid-​level mobster. And he’s ruthless. And a little insane.”

  “Great. This makes me feel much better.”

  “You haven’t gone to the police?”

  “No.”

  “Morelli?”

  “No. We were afraid Delvina would panic and make Grandma disappear.”

  “That’s a genuine concern,” Ranger said. “How can I help you?”

  “For starters, you can get me Delvina’s phone number.”

  Ranger called his office and asked for Delvina’s number. Moments later, he gave it to me. “Now what?” he asked.

  “Hopefully, this will do it. I’ll give him his money, and he’ll give me Grandma.”

  “Call me if there are complications. I have to run. I need to look in on a commercial account.”

  I immediately called Delvina. “Okay,” I said, “I have the money.” Most of it. “How do you want to do this?”

  “Put the duffel bag on the passenger seat of a car and take the car to the car wash at three o’clock. If the money’s all there, you’ll get your grandmother.”

  “Will she be at the car wash?”

  “More or less. We’ll deliver her to the car wash as soon as we count the money. You shouldn’t worry about it. Trust me, the sooner we’re rid of her, the better.”

  “I suppose I should tell you we’re a little short.”

  “How short?”

  “Roughly... a hundred and forty thousand, more or less.”

  “No deal. No way. I need all the money. At three o’clock, we shoot the horse, and then we shoot the old lady. I’m almost hoping you don’t get the money. I really want to shoot the old lady.”

  I got into my piece-​of-​crap car and drove to my apartment building. By the time I got there, I’d sort of stopped crying. I ran up the stairs and took a minute to blow my nose and get myself under control before I opened the door.

  Snuggy was on the couch, watching television. He was looking more like Dublin bum than leprechaun.

  “Where do you keep all your green pants?” I asked him. “Do you live near here?”

  “I have an apartment in Hamilton Township. By the pet cemetery.”

  That figured.

  Diesel strolled out of my bedroom wearing his same clothes but looking fresh out of the shower. His hair was still damp and the stubble was gone.

  “I used your razor and toothbrush,” Diesel said. “I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

  “You aren’t diseased, are you?”

  “I couldn’t get a disease if I tried.” He stood for a beat with his thumbs hooked into his pants pockets. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” A tear leaked out of my eye and streaked down my cheek.

  “Oh, shit,” Diesel said. “I’m not good at this. It’s not the toothbrush, is it? I’ll buy you a new one.”

  “It’s Grandma. He’s going to shoot her because we haven’t got all the money. I talked to him, and he told me they were going to count the money, and if it wasn’t all there, they were going to shoot Grandma and the horse.”

  “So we have to get more money,” Snuggy said. “How hard can it be?”

  “We’re not talking about small change,” Diesel said. “We need a hundred and forty thousand dollars.”

  “Maybe you could pop into a bank,” Snuggy said to Diesel.

  Diesel looked at his watch. “Delvina’s keeping the horse and the woman somewhere. Let’s see if we can find them. If we can’t find them by two o’clock, we’ll go to plan B.”

  “What’s plan B?” I asked him.

  “I don’t actually have a plan B. I suppose plan B would involve the police. I’m going to have Flash take a look at Delvina’s country house.”

  Flash works with Diesel. Or maybe Flash works for Diesel. Or maybe Flash is just Diesel’s friend. Hard to tell where Flash fits in the big picture. He’s slim and spikey-​haired and a couple inches taller than me. He lives in Trenton.

  He has a girlfriend. He likes to ski. And he’s a handy guy to have on your team. That’s everything I know about Flash.

  Diesel punched Flash’s number into his phone. “I need you to check out Lou Delvina’s house in Bucks County,” he said when the connection was made. “He’s holding a horse and Stephanie’s grandmother as hostages somewhere. I’m going to scope out his house in Trenton.”

  “Is there something I can do?” Snuggy asked.

  “You can stay here and not make a move,” Diesel said. “When we leave, don’t open the door to anyone. Don’t order pizza. Don’t buy Girl Scout cookies. Don’t look out a window. Bolt the door and keep the television low.” Diesel had his head in the refrigerator. “There’s noth
ing in here. How can you live without food?”

  “I have peanut butter in the cupboard and some crackers.”

  “I like peanut butter and crackers,” Snuggy said.

  “Knock yourself out,” Diesel said. He wrapped an arm around me. “Lets hustle. I want to see the car wash, and then we’ll snoop around Delvina’s social club. He has a house in Cranbury, but I don’t think he’d keep a horse and an old lady locked up with his wife.”