Searching for Beautiful

by Nyrae Dawn

Page 22

  Author: Nyrae Dawn

  When I hear a buzz from beside me, I look over to see Emery pull her cell out of her pocket. It’s facing away from me as she looks at it, and then she turns it over in her hand again. When she glances at me, I try to look away, but I know it’s ridiculous. She had to have seen me looking at her. “Rochelle, my foster parent,” she whispers and I nod. It’s not like it should be any of my business who texts her.

  Her phone goes off two more times in the last twenty minutes of the movie. I feel the vibration each time and I know it’s a silly thing to say, but it almost feels wrong. I’m about to tell her we can leave early if she needs to. I don’t want to keep her from something important, but then the credits are rolling.

  “You ready?” Emery stands.

  “Sure. ”

  Emery’s quiet as we walk out to the parking lot. Her eyes dance around it.

  “Where’d you park?” I ask her.

  “I don’t have a car. Rochelle is picking me up. ”

  “Oh. I can drive you home!” I feel like an idiot for not even thinking to ask her if she had a car.

  “That’s okay. She’s on her way already. ”

  “I’ll wait with you, then. ”

  “It’s cool. You can go. ”

  “Okay. Thanks for hanging out. Maybe we can do it again sometime. ” I definitely want to.

  “Absolutely. I would love that. ” Emery pulls me into a tight hug. “Thanks for coming. And for treating me normal. Most people just see the belly, ya know?”

  “No problem. ” My car is parked at the far end of the lot. I’m all the way there before I realize I don’t have my purse.

  When I was young, I forgot my Minnie Mouse purse in the theater. Mom told me I should always keep it on my lap because it was too easy to forget it on the floor. I always kept my purse with me after that. Fear climbs through me. First, the sound of her laugh, and now, the purse. I’m forgetting her, forgetting the lessons she taught me.

  As I race back toward the theater, it’s Emery who pulls me out of my thoughts. I see her get into an old, beat-up car that’s painted as many different colors as her fingernails. The person behind the wheel definitely isn’t her foster mom. It’s a guy with a shaved head who can’t be much older than us. Ice slithers down my spine. She lied. The guy is Max, I know it.

  But then, who am I to talk? I saw Jason and didn’t tell anyone. When he called, I pretended it didn’t happen. Emery has a right to see who she wants.

  As I watch them pull away, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. That I’m somehow letting her down.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Before

  “Sorry, Sam’s home today. I thought about rescheduling but I missed you. I figured we could hang out here for a few hours to have some time to ourselves. ” Jason kisses my forehead as we stand at the door to our hotel room.

  “It’s okay. This is kind of cool anyway. ”

  “Wait till you see the room. I wanted something special for you. ” He swipes the card. When the green light flashes, Jason opens the door and steps out of the way so I can go in.

  And it’s gorgeous. There’s a plush king-size bed in the middle of the room. On the other side, there’s a hot tub by a huge window. The TV is mounted on the wall, smooth black accessories making the room look way more posh than anywhere I’ve ever stayed. “It’s incredible. ”

  “Thanks, Red. ”

  I kick out of my shoes and Jason does the same. We sit in the middle of the bed and talk about our favorite movies and about pottery. He listens when I talk about Mom, and asks about school and says how he misses it, now that he’s homeschooled.

  After a while, Jason orders food and we continue to sit right there in the bed eating it. “How did you afford this, Jason? I feel bad. It had to have cost a lot. ”

  “I have enough money. And hey, it’s not like I have a whole bunch of other things to spend it on. ”

  Which I get. Ian was the same way when he got his job. His parents paid for his car and gas so he always had cash.

  Once we’re done eating, Jason asks, “Do you wanna get in the hot tub?”

  “I don’t have a suit,” I say but then add, “Though I guess I could go in my bra and panties. It’s just like a bikini. ” Nerves tickle my insides but I ignore them. Girls do stuff like this all the time. Ellie, Diana, and I went in our bras and panties when we sneaked out to the lake with Ian, Todd, and Kevin one night. We just made the boys turn around and not look until we were in the water.

  But then we’re not at the lake, we’re in a hotel room. It makes things more intimate. I love Jason and I definitely want to lose my virginity to him. Today might be the day, but then it might not, too. I’m just not totally sure.

  “Absolutely. Hell, I’ve seen bra and panties that cover more than a swimsuit does. It’s not a big deal. ”

  Standing, I keep my eyes on Jason as he does the same. He pulls off his shirt and drops it on the floor. My instinct is to turn away but again, he’s my boyfriend. I shouldn’t be embarrassed to see him with his shirt off. But then… I’m not embarrassed anymore. My eyes take in each of his muscles, before landing on his collarbone. I have no idea why I focus there but I do, before my vision travels up to his messy hair that looks like he’s run his hands through it a million times.

  My heart is beating a million miles an hour thinking of taking mine off in front of him, though. After taking a few deep breaths, I make myself do it. My cheeks are burning, but Jason’s words help wipe it away when he says, “You’re so beautiful, Red. ”

  Ian never called me beautiful. “Thanks. ”

  Jason takes off his pants and then walks over to the Jacuzzi in his boxers. Ignoring my threatening heart attack, I take mine off with shaky fingers. After laying them on the chair, I walk over to him.

  “Go ahead and get in. I’ll grab some towels and stuff. ”

  I scramble into the water, hoping it somehow hides me and takes away some of the embarrassment. A minute later, Jason returns. He sets two towels beside us but climbs in with something in his hand.

  “I wanna show you something. ” He scoots over beside me and shows me an iPod. On the screen it says, “Brynn’s Playlist. ”

  “I know it sounds cheesy, but these are the songs that remind me of you. I want to add them to your iPod, too. ”

  The gesture makes my chest swell so much, I think it could burst. “It is cheesy…but sweet too. ” It’s so funny how different situations are when you’re in them. I would tease Ellie or Diana if they got all mushy over a playlist, but when it’s the boy you love, the heart doesn’t always dislike a little cheese. “Thank you. I love it. ”

  Jason turns it on and sets it on the edge of the hot tub. We listen to my playlist, most of the songs about love, but some about sex. They play for at least an hour as we sit in the water and talk. This day has been perfect and Jason is perfect and I want to show him just how much he means to me. How much I love him.

  “I’m ready,” I whisper.

  “What?” He rubs his thumb on my cheek.

  “I know I’ve been scared but I love you and I’m ready… I wanna…you know…be with you. ”

  This is the day I lose my virginity to Jason Richter.

  Chapter Thirty

  Now

  Christian looks tired as he walks to my locker at lunch. He slides to the ground and when I sit next to him, he immediately picks up my lunch bag and starts to look inside.

  I kind of love it. It’s so…intimate in a way. Something you’d do with a person you feel completely comfortable with, and I like being that person to him. I think back to that dance in seventh grade. How much I thought I loved the boy who is now pulling Cool Ranch Doritos out of my bag, and I remember crying in the bathroom because of him. Because he made me so happy just by asking me to dance. I wonder if that’s a good thing. That a boy could make me shed those kind of tears with
something as small as a dance. I think it could be okay, as long as I didn’t lose myself in him.

  “What?” Christian asks as he eats one of my Doritos before handing them to me.

  I try not to blush. It’s not like I’m going to remind him of that dance. Tell him he’s the first boy I danced with, too, and that I thought I’d been in love with him. “Nothing. You look tired. ”

  “I’m tired as hell. ” He leans back against the locker. His guitar case is next to him, but he doesn’t pull it out. “Mom and Angelica were on the phone last night and they got in a fight. It’s the first time she’s heard from her in a while. She always gets all freaked out when they talk, like it’s her fault Angelica couldn’t deal with shit. “

  “It’s not always that easy—to just get over something, I mean. ”

  “Maybe it should be,” he tosses back at me. “I’m not trying to say I’m perfect, but when I needed to talk to someone, I did it. I found a way to get over it without pretending it’s the end of the world. ”

  His words, even though they aren’t meant for me, are like a slap in the face. “So because you can do something, everyone should be able to? Are we all supposed to follow the Christian Medina handbook to ‘getting over it’?” I turn away from him.

  “Couldn’t hurt. ”

  “Whatever. ”

  I try to stand but Christian grabs my wrist and mumbles “Shit” under his breath. “Let’s just ignore that part of the conversation. It’s been a bad day. ”

  I sit back down but Christian doesn’t let go of my wrist. His hand is gentle and warm, making shivers dance through me. This would really be easier if Christian Medina wasn’t so hot, so sweet and fun to be around.

  I can’t seem to turn my eyes away from him and he’s not looking away from me, either. And then he’s leaning forward and I don’t know what to do. We definitely shouldn’t be kissing, especially after we just got into an argument. Still, I don’t turn away.

  Closer…closer he gets and those shivers multiply and add some tingling, too. His lips are right there and if I don’t turn away now—bam!

  Christian and I both jerk back at the sound of someone slamming a locker. My heart is going a million miles an hour. Talk about something! Change the subject! “So…your mom?”

  He clears his throat. “Yeah…my mom. I was up late because of her. Then Sally tried to cheer her up and that’s definitely not something you want to hear through the walls—”

  “Christian! Oh my God! Don’t even talk about that!”

  “Not like I want to. ” He grins at me, the tension between us already disappearing.

  “Then don’t. ”

  “Holy shit, you’re blushing. Dios, I didn’t even say anything. ”

  “Dios,” I repeat, knowing it’s “God. ” “You said enough. ”

  He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. I don’t know what I find so funny about that, but it makes me laugh. The more I do it, the more I want to keep it going until Christian joins me, too.

  “Loco. ” He points a finger at the side of his head and moves it around in a circle, which only makes me laugh harder. It’s so amazing, how wonderful it feels to let loose. I took it for granted before, and now I want to remember each and every laugh that ever comes out of my mouth.

  “Looks like we missed a joke. ” Kevin’s voice comes from next to us. My eyes dart up to see him, Todd, Ellie, Diana, and Ian standing there.

  “Brynn’s funny. ” Christian looks completely serious. Completely comfortable, like always. “What’s up?”

  “We gotta figure out that project, man. It’s due next week and we haven’t done shit on it,” Kevin says.