by Phil McNulty
SCENE 3
MUSIC('All my Loving', (whole track) is playing as, from stage right, Paul appears as a pantomime dame in bulky dresses, Widow Crocky. He's accompanied by George, also in a dress, as Crocky's daughter Dingle Belle. The two carry in a laundry basket, put up a washing line and Belle starts pegging out clothing, dancing as she does so. Crocky supervises until she notices the audience.)
Widow Crocky: Hello boys and girls. I'm Widow Crocky and I'm your friend. So let's hear you all say. Hello Widow Crocky.
Audience: Hello Widow Crocky.
Widow Crocky: This is my beautiful daughter, Dingle Belle. Ringo's very interested in her but I don't think he's good enough. He's a bit of a layabout.
Dingle Belle: What's that you're saying Mam? (Moving forward)
Widow Crocky: Nothing babe. I was just telling the boys and girls that I've been working so hard I'm absolutely knickered.
DingleBelle: Don't you mean knackered Mam?
Widow Crocky: No Belle, knickered cos me breaths coming in short pants. Boom boom.
Dingle Belle: Do you know Mam that's a nice dress. (Crocky preens herself). Are you hoping to slim into it?
Widow Crocky: I do can without your rudeness Belle. I've had a lot on my plate.
Dingle Belle: That's why the dress doesn't fit Mam.
Widow Crocky: Listen young lady. I take care of my appearance. You're only as old as you look.
Dingle Belle: Nobody could be as old as you look Mam.
Widow Crocky: Hey, I've been told I've got good taste in clothes. I know how to dress.
Dingle Belle: Come on Mam. I've seen salad dressed better.
Widow Crocky: (To the audience) Now I know she's only jealous. You like the dress don't you boys and girls?
Dingle Belle: Like it! It's absolutely terrible. It doesn't suit you at all.
Widow Crocky: Well the salesgirl said it matched my eyes perfectly. (Fluttering her eyes.)
Dingle Belle: Well she was having you on Mam. The colour doesn't look like bloodshot at all.
Widow Crocky: Anyway I got it for a ridiculous figure.
Dingle Belle: You can say that again.
(Offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,bm,bm,bm. Crocky and Belle cling to each other as Ringo and SiCo enter stage left. SiCo gestures aggressively to the audience with his fist.)
SiCo: (To the audience) Stop breathing I can hear you. Stop it. (Waves fist).
Ringo: Hi Belle. Hi Crocky. This is my long lost Uncle Tommy. He's going to help me restore The Beatles fortunes.
Widow Crocky: (sidling up to SiCo) Oh did I just hear mention of fortunes Ringo dear boy. Come here Tommy. I, Widow Crocky, am the most eligible young woman in Liverpool. Tell me about your fortune Tommy. Not that I need money Tommy. No, No. A successful independent businesswoman such as myself merely seeks emotional and intellectual stimulation. How much are you worth Tommy? Come on let's see your chequebook. (She attempts to rifle through his pockets. Ringo and Belle are hand in hand staring into each other's eyes.)
SiCo: Unhand me woman.
Widow Crocky: What would you say if I asked you for a kiss.
SiCo: Nothing. It's impossible to speak and to laugh at the same time.
Widow Crocky: Go on. You know you want to whisper something soft and gooey in my ear.
SiCo: Oh, ok then. Cadbury's cream egg.
Widow Crocky: Oh you are a one. But I like you. (She again tries to get into his pockets.)
SiCo: Unhand me I say. Have you no scruples?
Widow Crocky: I did have but the penicillin cleared them up.
SiCo: (Pushing her away he moves to stage right and addresses the audience.) Is everyone around here the same? Gibbering simpleton's. As soon as I get my hands on the lamp I'll be off to Lime St and on the first train back to London. (Waving his fist at the audience).Now that's a proper place! (He Hisssssss at the audience before covering his face with his cloak and standing immobile).
Audience: Booing and hissing.
Widow Crocky: Ringo, come here now. There's something strange about Uncle Tommy. I can't quite put my finger on it.
Dingle Belle: That's cos he wouldn't let you Mam. You tried hard enough.
Widow Crocky: That's enough of that Belle. Help me get this washing in. And you Ringo. You be careful.
(The two women move upstage and slowly dismantle the washing line while Ringo rejoins SiCo.)
SiCo: Just you and me now Ringo. The two people who are going to save The Beatles. All you have to do is lead me to this cavern place, get inside and find the magic lamp.
(They exit stage left while Crocky and Belle are taking down the washing.)
(From offstage there is a booming voice…..)
HoHoHoHo
What our adventurers don't know
Is the cavern is shut for the night.
And Ringo is in for a dreadful fright.
(Crocky and Belle exit stage right in fear, taking their basket, line and washing. The stage darkens.)
Scene4
(Offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,bm,bm,bm. SiCo and Ringo enter at upstage left.)
SiCo: It all seems very quiet Ringo. There aren't even any doormen around. (He paces frantically across the stage and back apparently looking for signs of life.) I do not believe this. The place is shut. You idiot. It doesn't look like it's been open for years. This is all your fault. (He paces around the wall). How on earth are we going to get in. You live here. You should have known about this.
Ringo: Don't get upset Uncle Tommy. We can find someone with a key tomorrow. Anyway, it'll be an opportunity for you to meet me Mam and Dad after all this time. You can stay at our house.
SiCo: I can assure you Ringo that I will not be staying in this city a moment longer than necessary. (Hisses at audience). Now we are going to find a way into this cavern even if you die in the attempt.
Ringo: I don't like the sound of that Uncle Tommy.
SiCo: (In great excitement). Here. Here. A window. What luck. Now come on Ringo. (He moves a dustbin to under the window). Climb up here.
Ringo: Ok Uncle Tommy. (Ringo climbs onto the bin and eases himself through the window.)
SiCo: What can you see Ringo? Can you see the lamp?
Ringo: I can't see much Uncle Tommy. What does it look like exactly.
SiCo: What does it look like? It's a magic lamp. Everyone knows what that looks like.
(Ringo can be seen on his hands and knees feeling his way around the room.)
Ringo: I don't Uncle Tommy. I've never seen a magic lamp.
SiCo: Aaaaaagh (beating his head.) It's got a handle and a sort of spout. It looks oriental and magical.
Ringo: I think I've found it Uncle Tommy. Shall I come back out now?
SiCo: (Rushing to the window.) No Ringo. You just pass it to me. We have to be very careful. Don't rub it whatever you do.
Ringo: (Kneeling on the chair and passing the object through the window.) Here you go Uncle Tommy. I'll be glad to get out of here it's a bit scary.
SiCo: (Grabbing the lamp and closing the shutters on Ringo, leaving him trapped.) I've got it. HaHa. I've got it. (He walks to the front of the stage triumphantly and holds up the lamp for the audience to see.) Ha you miserable children, you puny people. You didn't think I'd do it did you. Didn't think I'd find the source of popular music so that I can destroy it and have world domination. Me Simon Cowell. I will be able to dictate what you listen to for evermore. HaHaHaHa. And now I will destroy this teapot before your eyes. This teapot will never again be a stimulus to musicians. This teapot……
(SiCo starts shaking and gibbering when he realises his mistake.)….Teapot. teapot. Teapot. Aaaaaaagh!
Ringo: Is everything all right out there Uncle Tommy. I can hear a lot of noise and I think I'm trapped in here.
SiCo: Oh, oh, oh, Ringo my boy, what has happened. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Don't worry. Uncle Tommy is here. We'll have you out of there in no time. (He moves back to the wall and ope
ns the shutters.) Now you just need to look a little more carefully Ringo. Look in all the corners. Just remember we're looking for something like a teapot but not a teapot.
Ringo: (Scratching his head.) Like a teapot but not a teapot. Like a teapot but not a teapot. Ah, I wonder if this is it Uncle. (He picks up a lamp and holds it up to the window so SiCo can see it.)
SiCo: (Beside himself with excitement.) Yes, yes, The magic lamp. Pass it here Ringo. Give it to me now.
Ringo: Would it be safer if I came out with it Uncle then I won't get trapped again.
SiCo: No, no, no. Are you mad. You only have to brush against the lamp and you will be consigned to a sleeping death from which only a beautiful princess can wake you.
Ringo: I like the sound of the princess Uncle but I've never heard of a sleeping death.
SiCo: You've obviously never been to Southport then Ringo. Look, just pass me the lamp you idiot. Pass me the lamp!
(Offstage the sound of Police sirens can be heard in the distance.)
Ringo: You won't shut me in again Uncle will you? It's scary in here.
SiCo: Just give me the lamp you idiot. Give me the lamp so I can destroy the Beatles.
Ringo: (In shock pulls back from the window.) But Uncle what does this mean? Why have you changed? Destroy The Beatles? That can't be right.
(The sound of sirens is louder.)
SiCo: (Slamming the shutters closed.) You can stay there Ringo. Stay in that closed cavern. Nobody knows you're there. Nobody will come to save you. They'll probably demolish the place with you in it and the lamp. And that means I've got what I wanted. HaHaHaHa. (He turns to the audience and shakes his fist.) HaHaHaHa.
(Offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,Bm,Bm,Bm. As SiCo makes his exit.)
(Ringo sits on the chair and talks to the audience.)
Ringo: Well boys and girls, I should have listened to you shouldn't I. And I should have listened to Widow Crocky. Who would have thought that Uncle Tommy would turn out to be such a bad man. I thought he liked me and was going to help me. And now I'm stuck in this disused club with nothing to eat or drink and no way of getting out. All I've got for company is this old lamp. What am I going to do?
(From offstage there is a booming voice…..)
'HoHoHoHo
Don't be downhearted Ringo
This is a panto. You can't be tragic
Have some faith in a little magic.
You need a word to open the shutters
Ask them out there, the little blighters
Might help a man like you
By sharing a magic word or two.'
Ringo: (Standing up) Is that right boys and girls. Do you know any magic words? You do. Shout them out and let's see if any work.
(Audience shouts out suggestions………Ringo tries them out. If none are proposed he tries 'Rumplestiltskin' and 'Abracadabra'. Pushing on the shutters each time. Finally he uses 'Open Sesame' and the shutters open easily.)
Ringo: Oh, thankyou boys and girls. That was really great. You've saved my life. I'm going straight round to see Belle and ask her to marry me. (Climbs out of the window to the sound of Octopusses Garden and exits stage left.)
(Offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,Bm,Bm,Bm as SiCo steps in from the wings Downstage left.)
SiCo: HaHaHaHa, you thought you'd all fooled me didn't you children. You and that village idiot of a friend of yours Ringo and the big fat genie of the lamp.
(From offstage there is a booming voice…..)
'HoHoHoHo
Is that really so.
Well Mr Cowell if the cap fits
But you're the one with his pants round his armpits.
(SiCo trembles fearfully at the sound of the genie, then opens his cape to hoist up his trousers.)
SiCo: HaHaHaHa. I'll have the lamp, just you wait and see. Then I'll have power, do you hear me? Power. HaHaHaHa.
(Offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,Bm,Bm,Bm, as SiCo exits stage left.)
SCENE 5
MUSIC ('Eight Days a Week' is playing as Widow Crocky enters stage right (wearily) with a basket. She places it near the washing line. She then moves to downstage centre to address the audience.)
Widow Crocky: Hello boys and girls. It's me again. Widow Crocky. What do you say? Hello Widow Crocky. Hello boys and girls. Now I've been having a few problems with Belle since we last saw you. She's been very upset since Ringo went off with his Uncle and now I'm afraid she's run away from home. So I'm going to ask you for your help boys and girls. I need to find Belle so if you see her I want you to shout out THERE'S BELLE. I'm so worried…………
(Belle enters stage right and stands stage right of Crocky.)
……….and I've got all this washing to hang up and so much to do…..
Audience: There's Belle!
Widow Crocky: (Turning stage left then behind her) Now that's very naughty boys and girls. Tricking Old Crocky like that. She's not here at all is she?
Audience: She's there. There's Belle. (Belle moves behind Crocky to Stage Left.)
Widow Crocky: (Turning stage right then behind her.) Now stop that boys and girls. You're making me very tired. I'm going to get upset in a minute.
(Belle moves to centre stage directly behind Crocky.)
Audience: There's Belle. She's behind you.
Widow Crocky: You can't fool Old Crocky. I've already looked everywhere. Where can she be.
Audience: She's behind you.
Widow Crocky: (Flustered. Looking in all directions but behind.) Where? Where? I can't see her.
Audience: She's behind you.
Widow Crocky: (Turning around.) Oh Belle, Belle I've found you. (Moves to her and hugs her.) Thankyou so much boys and girls for helping me. And as for you young lady where exactly have you been. (They move to downstage centre.)
Dingle Belle: I've been to the optician's Mam. He told me I was colour blind.
Widow Crocky: Oh no Belle that must have been a terrible shock.
Dingle Belle: Oh, It was Mam. It was like a bolt out of the orange.
Widow Crocky: A bolt out of the orange? Oh she's having me on isn't she boys and girls?
Dingle Belle: Hey Mam, can I ask you a question?
Widow Crocky: Anything you like darling. What is it?
Dingle Belle: Well you never told me what happened to me Dad. What did happen?
Widow Crocky: (Drying her eyes on her skirt in mock upset.) It's a terrible story Belle. He fell into a huge vat of Nescafe and was never seen again.
Dingle Belle: Oh how sad.
Widow Crocky: Yes Belle, but at least it was instant. (Shakes her head mournfully.) Do you know Belle I did everything for that man. When he was ill I used to rub grease all over his back to make him feel better.
Dingle Belle: Did it work?
Widow Crocky: Not really. He went downhill even faster….He was always doing stupid things your Dad. I said to him, I want to live in a more expensive house. You know what he did?
Dingle Belle: What Mam?
Widow Crocky: He got the landlord to put the rent up (Shakes her head.) When your brother Darren was younger Dad would get really annoyed by him. He said, Darren how old are you? And Darren said five Dad. He said, you ought to be ashamed of yourself son. When I was your age I was ten. (Shakes her head.)
Dingle Belle: Oh I know Mam. He could be difficult. Do you remember when I asked him for an encyclopedia?
Widow Crocky: What did he say?
Dingle Belle: He said, No you can't have one. You can walk to school like all the other kids.
Widow Crocky: Doesn't surprise me at all. Do you know he used to make me get up at six every morning to feed the chickens. I really hated him for that.
Dingle Belle: Why Mam?
Widow Crocky: We didn't have any chickens.
MUSIC(Offstage there is the sound of Octopus's Garden as Ringo enters carrying the lamp.)
Ringo: Hello Cro
cky. Hello Belle.
Widow Crocky: Oh hello Ringo. We thought you'd disappeared. What happened to that unpleasant uncle of yours?
Ringo: Unpleasant Crocky? I thought you took quite a shine to him.
Widow Crocky: Me? Me? I'll have you know Ringo that I'm a completely chaste woman. (Then to the audience.) But not chased as often as I'd like.
Ringo: Well Crocky, I've got some great news. I think I might have made my fortune and saved the Beatles. I've found the source of all popular music. And I want to marry Belle.
Widow Crocky: (With sneering derision and hands on hips.) You MIGHT have made your fortune! The SOURCE of all popular music! What have I told you about hanging round with those Grammar school boys Ringo. They're into all sorts of things and some of them even like poetry! Now you help Belle put the washing on the line then go and fetch another basket.
(Ringo and Belle start putting the washing on the line.)
Widow Crocky: (To the audience.) Do you know boys and girls I think about money an awful lot don't I?
(Music filters in 'Money that's what I want', and Crocky does a lascivious dance raising her hands skywards as though grasping for notes and coins. Ringo and Belle have pegged out socks and underwear and are now pegging out twenty pound notes.)
Ringo: Hey Crocky (Music fades.) what's all this? What kind of laundering are you doing here?
Widow Crocky: (In some dismay.) Oh, Oh, Oh, how did they get there? Stop that at once. Now off with the two of you and get another basket of washing. Go on. (She moves towards the washing line.)
Ringo: Ok Crocky. But will you mind this old lamp for me. Now take good care of it won't you. (hands over the lamp.)
Widow Crocky: Yes, yes, yes. Go on with you........
(Ringo and Belle exit stage right. Crocky places the lamp on the floor and wipes her hands on her pinafore. She starts unpegging the money from the line, addressing the audience.)
..........Well boys and girls what's a lady to do? The laundry business isn't what it used to be you know with all these high speed washing machines around. And then I heard of this other type of laundering and I thought if tanning salons and taxis and flower shops are doing it why shouldn't a laundry be doing it. To be honest boys and girls what I need is a rich man to take me away from all of this.
MUSIC ('Can't Buy me Love', full track, is playing as Crocky dances while she unpegs the money. While she is absorbed SiCo enters from downstage left.)
SiCo: (Waving his fist at the audience.) HaHaHaHa. These fools. They thought they could outwit SiCo. Watch now how I get the lamp from this foolish, greedy woman. HaHaHaHa.
Audience: Booing and hissing.
SiCo: (Loudly) Is that not the beautiful Widow Crocky I see before me? (He moves to Centre. Music fades.)
Widow Crocky: Oh Tommy you've come back for me. (To the audience, preening herself.) I knew you would. How could any man resist all this? (Running her hands over her ampleness.)
SiCo: Of course I came back. I heard that you were a good cook and I wanted to get my hands on your dumplings.
Widow Crocky: (Coquettish.) Oh Tommy? You are naughty. Do you know you're just the type of man I'm looking for.
SiCo: Oh. What type of man is that?
Widow Crocky: (To audience) Well you're breathing for a start. Do you like my perfume, it's Coco Chanel?
SiCo: (To audience.)I