by Phil McNulty
don't know about Cocoa. It smells more like gravy browning.
Widow Crocky: But Tommy, isn't there a problem with us being together. You being a rich man and me a poor, ( to audience) although fabulously beautiful, washer woman.
SiCo: I haven't always been rich Widow Crocky. In fact we were so poor we once had my mother in law for Christmas Dinner.
Widow Crocky: What was wrong with that?
SiCo: We would have preferred chicken.
Widow Crocky: Oh that's very sad.
SiCo: I remember one year my parents couldn't afford to buy me school shoes.
Widow Crocky: Oh no. What did they do?
SiCo: They painted my feet black and laced up my toes.
Widow Crocky: Oh how terrible. But tell me Tommy aren't you worried we may be moving a bit quickly.
SiCo: Not at all. All my courtships are fast and furious.
Widow Crocky: Oh why's that?
SiCo: (To the audience.) Because I'm fast and the women are furious. HaHa.
Widow Crocky: Oh how simply perfect. Do you know Ringo and Belle want to get married so we could have a joint wedding. How fantastic that would be.
SiCo: That would be simply perfect my dear. But first we must exchange gifts. I will give you this huge diamond engagement ring. (Which he produces from his coat with a flourish. At the sight of it Crocky lols her head and waves her arms in a kind of ecstasy.) And you must give me something in return.
Widow Crocky: But what can I possibly give you Tommy?
SiCo: Oh anything at all my dear. (To audience.) Just anything you have here and now will do.
Widow Crocky: Will these do? (Offering him a pair of knickers from the line.)
SiCo: Not really my love.
Widow Crocky: What about this? (Offering him a sock.)
SiCo: No. No good either I'm afraid. Perhaps if you had something old and metallic, of little value, that would do the trick. (He leers at the audience.)
Widow Crocky: Well I do have this filthy old lamp I'm minding for Ringo. (She produces the lamp.)
SiCo: Yes. Yes. That's it. Give it here. Give it here now. It's mine. It's mine.
Widow Crocky: (Clutching the lamp to her.) Oh Tommy. I'm beginning to wonder if it's me or the lamp you really want.
SiCo: Give me the lamp you absurd old hag. Give me the lamp.
Widow Crocky: (Coming to down centre and speaking to the audience.) What do you think boys and girls. Should I give him the lamp or should I look after it for Ringo as I promised? Shall I give him the lamp boys and girls?
Audience: No.
Widow Crocky: Shall I look after it for Ringo boys and girls.
Audience: Yes.
Widow Crocky: Sorry Tommy, even though I know you love me very much, (smirk to audience) I cannot give you Ringo's lamp.
SiCo: Oh but you will my lovely because you want this. (He produces the ring at which Crocky goes into another ecstatic swoon.) This fabulous ring. (To the audience.) Won as a Bingo prize in a New Brighton arcade. HaHaHaHa.
Widow Crocky: Oh Tommy take the lamp. Just let me have that beautiful expensive ring. (To the audience as the ring and lamp are exchanged.) Well, boys and girls, what did you expect.
SiCo: HaHaHaHa, it's mine, all mine. I have the power. You'll have to listen to Little Mix, Steve Brookstein and James Arthur for the rest of your lives. HaHaHaHa.
(As SiCo sweeps around the stage with the lamp and Crocky admires the ring, offstage, there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,Bm,Bm,Bm.)
SiCo: (Moving to Down Centre with his cloak raised to his face like Zorro, he tries to intimidate the audience.) HaHaHaHa. I can have you locked in here. I can force you to listen to X factor rejects until your ears bleed. HaHaHaHa.
MUSIC(Offstage there is the sound of Octopus's Garden. Ringo and Belle appear, upstage right, carrying a laundry basket.)
Ringo: What's going on here? Crocky. Where's the lamp.
Widow Crocky: (Hiding the ring. And pointing at Sico.) He's got it Ringo. Your Uncle Tommy. He tricked me, didn't he boys and girls. I tried to resist Ringo. Honestly I did.
Ringo: Uncle Tommy give me that lamp now. You trapped me in the cavern and left me there to die.
SiCo: Ha Ringo you puny man. I will crush you like a beetle. HaHaHaHa. (To the audience.) I've made a joke. HaHa. You will have to fight me for the lamp and in doing so you will die. Choose your weapons.
Dingle Belle: Oh Ringo no. It's not worth it. I couldn't see you injured. Please don't fight over that old lamp.
Ringo: (Puffing himself up, chest out.) A man's got to do what a man's got to do Belle. Stand back. This could be messy.
SiCo: Oh get on with it you idiot. The quicker we start the quicker it's all over for you. Choose your weapons. (He places the lamp on the floor downstage left.)
Ringo: Belle hand me my weapons for this great battle against evil for this fight to the death in defence of popular music.
Dingle Belle: Ringo, what on earth are you talking about.
Ringo: My weapons Belle, my weapons.
(Belle looks around in complete confusion and then approaches the laundry basket. She pulls out a tea towel and a sock, shakes her head sadly, and hands them to Ringo.)
Ringo: (Does a double take of the ridiculous tea towel and sock, then, in a commanding voice addresses Belle.) Thankyou Belle. Now hand Uncle Tommy his weapons.
Dingle Belle: Oh Ringo, don't be so ridiculous.
Ringo: Belle!
(Belle goes to the laundry basket, fishes out another tea towel and sock and hands them to SiCo who immediately shouts 'On Guard' goes into a swordsman's stance, teatowel arm extended, sock arm raised to the level of his ear and in this manner advances on Ringo in a series of attacking lunges. He accompanies this with regular HaHaHas. Ringo attempts to parry, flicking at him with his teatowel and occasionally with the teatowel and sock combined. In this manner the combatants circle the centre of the stage. Crocky and Belle are standing together terrified, giving encouragement to Ringo but despairing of him at the same time. There are a lot of Oh nos. Aaaghs. Whimpering and screaming from the two women. Ringo is clearly on the defensive and losing quite badly.)
Widow Crocky: (Stepping forward using her hands to form a T.) Stop! Time out gentlemen. Return to your corners.
(SiCo moves to downstage left and jeers at and sneers at the audience. Ringo moves to downstage right. He is clearly in a bad way. He is crouching down and Crocky and Belle are wafting him with towels.)
Ringo: What am I going to do boys and girls? I haven't the strength to beat him. What can I do?
(From offstage there is a booming voice…..)
HoHoHoHo
Boys and girls you already know
The way to beat the monster SiCo
Breathe loudly for as long as you can
That's the way to hurt this evil man.
SiCo: (on hearing this jumps up.) Allez, allez, round two you miserable coward. (He attacks Ringo ferociously.)
(Ringo is backing away flailing at SiCo, stumbling around centre stage when Crocky to downstage left and Belle to downstage right face the audience.)
Dingle Belle: Come on boys and girls. You heard the Genie. Breath as loudly as you can.
Widow Crocky: That's right boys and girls. All together. In….out. In…….out. In……out.
(The fight continues in the background with SiCo showing signs of distress. He puts his hands over his ears and staggers around the stage. He falls to his knees at centre stage left. Ringo continues to attack him with the tea towel and the sock.)
Dingle Belle: Come on boys and girls we're nearly there. Try harder. Breathe louder.
(SiCo has fallen to the floor and Ringo swipes him a few more times before holding his hands in triumph.)
Ringo: I've done it. I've done it. I'm a dragon slayer. (Crocky and Belle dance around him.)
Dingle Belle: Three cheers for Ringo boys and girls. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray. Hip hip hooray.
(Ringo collects the
lamp and walks to down centre while the stage darkens and Crocky and Belle drag away the figure of SiCo exiting stage left.)
SCENE 6
(Ringo stands facing the audience holding the lamp.)
Ringo: Honestly boys and girls I couldn't have done this without you. You've been fantastic, but what am I going to do with the lamp now? I really don't know. I just can't think of anything at all. Maybe I'm really as daft as people say. But I've done some clever things you know. Oh yes. I taught my dog to say his own name. Do you know what his name was?....Woof. HaHa….I think I might get my intelligence from my Mam and Dad. We were quite well off you know. Oh yes. Real stars of the Dingle. (Puffing himself up). My parents were in Iron and steel. They were… honest. She ironed and he stole. Ha ha…But seriously, I didn't always feel wanted at home. Like that time a fella came to the door and said he was collecting for Barnardo's and me Dad tried to give him me and me sister. Terrible that. But do you know, honestly, I've always got meself into trouble. Like that time John was going out with a girl and I said…who was that lady I seen you with last night? And he said….You mean I saw. Because John's always a bit like that. So I said….Sorry John. Who was that eyesore I seen you with last night. And he punched me on the nose. I just don't understand the guy sometimes.
(There is a noise of voices offstage and John, Paul and George enter from centre stage right pushing, shoving and larking about.)
John: There he is lads. Ringo where have yer been lad? We've been worried about you.
Paul: Yeh Ringo there's been some weird stuff going on while you've been away. Weird stuff. Big