Mine

by Jennifer Suzanne

  Drew heard the click of her door closing and felt the sting of disappointment. He knew she was home and he was desperate to see her; it had taken all his willpower not to show up when she had first arrived the day before.

  Chris smirked at his friend’s reaction and reached for two beers from the fridge; they headed out to the backyard.

  “So, listen, I only have time for one,” Chris said, glancing at his watch, “I’m on my way out. Hot date. You’re welcome to stay, have a swim.” He winked at his friend and Drew nodded appreciatively. The two caught up about work and sports and finished their beer. Drew walked Chris out, took off his shirt and jumped in the pool.

  Jess heard the front door close and assumed Drew had left with Chris. She went to the kitchen to make tea but stopped abruptly when she heard the splash from the open kitchen window. She looked out just in time to see the wet, tight blonde curls on Drew’s head break the surface, and his blue eyes met hers as he pushed himself out of the pool with his strong arms. He smiled, grabbed a towel and headed towards her. She swore as she plugged in the kettle.

  “Hey you, welcome home!” he said as he entered the kitchen. “I was hoping you’d be here tonight. Chris told me you were home.” He continued with a big smile on his face, unable to contain his honesty and excitement. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, brushing his hand against her arm in the process.

  Jess was alarmed at how she felt when he touched her—as if she had been frozen and was starting to thaw. She stepped back from him and dipped her teabag into the hot water. She avoided his gaze, but she couldn’t help but notice his bare chest and remember how he felt beneath her the last time they were together. Her heartbeat quickened to recall how passionate and intuitive he had been.

  “Chris just abandoned me,” he pressed on, “come outside and sit with me.”

  It was a demand more than a request and it made Jess’s heart skip a beat.

  “I’d love to hear about your tour.” He said it as if she’d been on a tropical vacation somewhere, not a war zone. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and motioned to the backyard, still smiling. “It’s a beautiful evening.”

  “I don’t think you have any idea what it’s actually like to be abandoned,” was the statement that came out of Jess’s mouth. She immediately felt guilty; she knew she was pushing him away because she was afraid of her own feelings. She watched his smile disappear and the colour drain from his face.

  He placed his water bottle on the kitchen counter and looked at the floor. “Jess…I didn’t mean it like that....” His heart felt as if it had stopped and he wondered how he could’ve been so careless and stupid. He closed his eyes.

  “It was a joke, Drew. I’ll have sex with you again, you don’t have to do all that other stuff.” She pushed the guilt aside and her carefully constructed wall rose once more. Her cruelty towards him was justified, she decided; it was his fault anyway, since he couldn’t take a hint in the first place. She had to admit that she wouldn’t mind sleeping with him again.

  He let out the breath he was holding and pressed his eyebrows together with his thumb and middle finger. “That was not funny, Jess.”

  “Oh, come on. It was a little funny,” she smiled, handing him his water bottle in a conciliatory gesture as she stepped towards him and caressed his upper arms. Even though his feelings were clearly hurt, he couldn’t help but soften at her touch; it was all he’d dreamt about for the two months she was away.

  “Well, even if I had any intention of sleeping with you again,” he returned, “which I didn’t, by the way, I certainly don’t want to now.” He was relieved that she wasn’t upset, and like it or not he wanted her even more after her prank.

  “Oh, really?” She liked how he called her out and teased her back. She took the water bottle away and moved closer still. She pressed her chest into his and reached her arms up to his neck. He closed his eyes. “That’s too bad,” she smiled up at him. “If I remember correctly, it was good.”

  “It was more than good, Jess,” he growled. In a second his arms were wrapped around her waist and he kissed her passionately. She reached up to run her hands through his hair, ready to let go—then suddenly remembered how she had thought about him when she was overseas. She pulled away abruptly.

  “Jess…?” he whispered, reaching for her hands.

  She forced the thoughts away and returned to him, this time kissing him harder, in a way that made Drew feel uneasy. He reminded himself that despite his feelings, this was just sex to her, nothing more. He wondered if he had only imagined the softness he sensed under her hard exterior; maybe he only wanted to believe it was there. He had a decision to make in that moment, but as she pushed him against the wall and opened his mouth with hers, he stopped using his brain entirely.

  Later, when they lay catching their breath together in bed, he was surprised that she held him tightly. He squeezed her gently and buried his face in her neck. She yielded, and, taking his cues from her, he rolled onto her and kissed her slowly and deeply. She let him for a moment, then let go of his hair and, opening both of her hands wide, said somewhat loudly, “Let me up, please Drew.”

  Stung, he rolled off her and watched her stride into the bathroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath, more confused than ever. He smiled to himself and shook his head at the realization; he was crazy about her. God forgive him for not being able to take things slowly. He picked up his shorts and headed to Chris’s bathroom where he tossed the condom, dressed, and returned to lay on Jess’s bed. He decided that she would have to kick him out again. He wasn’t leaving otherwise.

  Jess frowned at him as she returned to the bedroom. She was in a bad mood. She didn’t like how right it felt to hold him after they’d had sex, so she ignored him, got dressed, and, grabbing her book, headed to the backyard to enjoy the warm summer evening.

  He followed her out and sat beside her on a lounge chair; placed his arms behind his head and grinned sheepishly at her. She rolled her eyes, a faint smile on her lips.

  Chapter 3

  Blood poured from every orifice of the man’s body. Jess worked frantically beside Ryan, but it was hopeless and they both knew it. They looked at each other and time slowed as Ryan wiped his sweaty forehead with his forearm in defeat, careful to avoid touching himself with a blood-covered glove. Jess looked around to determine where she was needed next. It felt hotter than usual, and she noticed the aroma of common things around her that she normally didn’t: the blood, the dirt on the floor, the plastic of the IV bags. Suddenly she felt sick, dizzy, and exhausted. She grasped the edge of the stretcher to steady herself; she squeezed her eyes shut and breathed deeply. She heard Ryan’s distant voice tell her it was over and pronounce the time of death. She stripped off her gloves and stumbled out of the tent into the sunlight. She allowed herself a few more breaths, then returned to the chaos.

  A few hours later, she sat outside in the shade with her back against a tree and her knees pulled up to her chest. She sipped from a bottle of water; Ryan asked her if she was all right. She nodded solemnly, but she was far from it.

  ***

  Drew was frustrated. Though he couldn’t see or even talk to Jess, he dreamt about her every night, and thought about her constantly during the day. One night, when he and Chris drank too much while sitting by the pool, his bravado broke entirely.

  “If she doesn’t come home from that place, Chris, I’m going to die. I think about her all the time. I can’t concentrate at work. I’m probably going to get fired. I want to kill you and kiss you at the same time for introducing us. I don’t know if she wants me or hates me. She doesn’t talk! She literally says nothing! And then she’s gone again, without a trace.” Drew slurred, finishing his beer with a defeated sigh. “I’ve never felt this way before.”

  Chris smiled knowingly at his drunk friend; he was thrilled that his plan was working out. He knew Drew would be an easy sell. He was a lifer. He’d meet a woman one night and boom,
they were in a relationship. He just wasn’t quite sure why they never lasted. Chris emptied his beer and opened another. He was the opposite of Drew: one time with a woman was enough, more than enough.

  “…and I’ve been with some amazing women,” Drew continued his drunken ramble, “nothing at all wrong with them…smart, beautiful…but there was always something missing, you know? So I never put all the effort in that I should have and eventually,” he looked down at his beer sadly, “they just left. They wanted more, and they deserved more, but I just wasn’t feeling it.” He paused to look up at the dark sky littered with stars. “But with Jess,” he exhaled and shook his head, “I want to try, man,” he met Chris’s eyes, “I really want to try.”

  Chris nodded. In awe of his friend’s ability to express his emotions.

  ***

  On the last flight home from Kabul, Jess told herself that this was an easier decision for her than most women: there was nothing to decide because she was never having kids. She would book an appointment and that would be the end of it. And she would have a tubal ligation for good measure, to make sure this never happened again. It wasn’t even her fault, she thought, she always used a condom.

  She told Chris the news as she climbed into his truck at the base in Trenton. His eyes opened wider than she’d ever seen them.

  “Jesus Christ, Jess. How the hell did you let that happen?” Chris bellowed as he started the truck. Jess buckled her seatbelt.

  “I’m having an abortion. And if you say one word to Drew…” Suddenly Jess clutched her stomach as the familiar wave of nausea washed over her. “Chris—” she gasped, “pull over.”

  He pulled over to the side of the road just in time for her to get out and vomit all over the paved shoulder. She didn’t know if it was morning sickness or if it was the reality that had set in now that she’d admitted the pregnancy to Chris.

  After the initial shock of Jess’s announcement wore off, Chris considered how perfect this news really was. He smiled to himself as her vomiting subsided and handed her a water bottle and a towel from her bag as she clambered back up into the truck. He turned the radio off; she slept the rest of the way home.

  ***

  The next morning Jess rolled over in bed and picked up her phone to look up abortion clinics in Toronto. As she scrolled, she was startled by the sound of the doorbell followed by Drew’s exceptionally annoying voice. Fear seized Jess’s heart as she wondered briefly if Chris had called and told him. She decided he wouldn’t dare; that he knew she’d kill him. But when Drew knocked and then opened her bedroom door, carrying a large bouquet of roses, she feared the worst and imagined all the ways she would murder Chris. Jess sat up and frowned at Drew, then closed her eyes; a headache was forming.

  Drew tossed the flowers onto the dresser. She looked beautiful with her messy hair, wearing just a white t-shirt and underwear, but he saw the reluctant look on her face, so he sat beside her on the bed and reached for her hand.

  “Welcome home. I’m so relieved that you’re safe. You have no idea,” he smiled broadly at her, his perfect teeth gleaming. Jess felt a small reprieve; he didn’t know she was pregnant. She also felt what she could only imagine were butterflies in her stomach as she looked into his eyes. She looked away.

  “Jess, listen…” he held and gently guided her chin so she would look at him again, “I thought about you every day.” His heart raced at touching her again after so long, even though it was only a fingertip to her face. He scanned her expression and tried to read how she felt to see him after two months. Her furrowed brow and pallor weren’t the signs he’d been hoping for. It didn’t matter though, he had to tell her. He had to get his feelings off his chest, and he had little choice in the matter. Her being away, all the while with her life in danger, put things very clearly into perspective. Life was short and he didn’t want to waste any more time, “I want to see you. I want to take you out on a date. I’ll do whatever you want Jess...if you just want to sleep with me again that’s fine too,” he laughed nervously, “but I missed you and I want us to be together.” He stroked her arm cautiously.

  Jess’s heart pulsed in her chest and she shook her head as she tried to make sense of his words and his flushed face. His gentle touch felt hot against her skin and made it tingle. But before she could figure out her feelings or even respond, Chris appeared in the doorway, half-asleep.

  “What’s going on?” He looked at the flowers and then at Jess. “You told him?”

  Drew looked at Chris and then back at Jess.

  “Told me what?” Drew asked, confused. He suddenly feared that Jess had decided to return to Kabul, that she wasn’t home for good. His heart felt heavy as he looked at her and paused for her answer. He wondered how he would make it through another two months, worrying and waiting for her.

  Jess glared at Chris and willed him to hear her silent plea to shut up. Terror filled her body.

  “That you’re knocked up,” Chris answered, missing her warning glare entirely.

  Jess closed her eyes and massaged her temples, cursing under her breath. She heard her name exit his mouth as a cracked whisper. She didn’t want to look at him, but she couldn’t help it. She looked at his wide eyes and pale face and watched his eyes dart back and forth as he tried to process the shocking information. Drew slid off the edge of the bed where he was sitting and knelt in front of her. He gripped her hands and placed his forehead onto her bare thigh. His entire world changed in an instant. She was pregnant. With his baby. He felt light-headed.

  Jess tapped her foot impatiently and looked up at the ceiling; the rage she felt towards Chris for spilling her secret was building, and she fought the urge to fly at him.

  “Wait. You didn’t tell him? What are the flowers for?” Chris said, confused and terrified. “Oh shit, Jess,” Chris threw his hands up in the air when he finally understood, “I’m sorry…I thought…shit.” He closed the bedroom door and swore silently to himself. She would never forgive him for this.

  Drew looked up into her angry face. “Jess, it’s okay. We’ll figure this out together.” Then he thought about the condoms they used. “…Are you two months pregnant? Or four?” He looked at her stomach, but he couldn’t tell anything because of the baggy t-shirt.

  Jess watched him try to process the dates that they’d slept together and realized this was her way out. She sat up straight and let go of his hands.

  “Just a month, Drew.”

  He sat back on his heels and felt the sting of her words combined with the thought of her with someone else. But when he studied her face, he knew it was a lie. He grinned and shook his head. This baby was his. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind. Chris’s slip up and reaction confirmed it, but before he could say anything else Jess stood and stormed out of the room.

  Drew knew she was lying, and her anger increased tenfold. She tore out into the living room. “You had no right!” She shoved Chris hard with both of her hands and he let her; he stumbled backwards.

  “I’m sorry. I thought he knew, okay?” Chris held his hands out to her in apology.

  “Bullshit!” Her eyes were wild, and her face was the darkest red he’d even seen.

  As if being pregnant wasn’t bad enough, now Drew knew too! She fumed silently. She had to get out. Jess stormed back into her room and, stepping over Drew, who was still sitting on the floor in shock, rifled through her dresser to find some clothes.

  “Jess?” Drew managed to pull himself together and up off the floor. He placed his hand gently on her arm, but she snatched it away, “we need to talk about this.” He desperately wanted to kiss her and hold her, tell her that he’d be there for her and the baby and that everything would be fine. The truth was, even though this news had caught him completely off guard, he wasn’t that upset by it.

  “We need to do no such thing,” Jess replied tightly and turned to face him, “and you don’t have to worry about it. Just get the hell out of here, Drew.”

  Her harsh words stung, and
it dawned on him that she’d probably had no intention of seeing him again when she’d returned from Kabul, that she didn’t feel the same about him as he did about her, even that she was horrified to be carrying his child. He tried to move past his deflated ego to think of the right words to say to get her to stay and talk to him, but before he could she was dressed and headed towards the front door.

  He followed her, but she ignored him and slammed the door.

  He stood watching the door, still in shock. When it failed to open, he plunked down on the couch and put his head in his hands, completely overwhelmed. He looked up at Chris for answers, but he just shrugged.

  ***

  The security guard nodded to Jess as she entered the waiting room of the abortion clinic. It was brightly lit, the walls were painted a lilac colour, and fake plants and fabric office chairs lined the walls. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. There was one other woman sitting and reading a magazine. She glanced at Jess apprehensively, looking her up and down.

  Jess approached the registration desk and a woman of about forty with glasses and dark brown hair pulled up in a bun gave her a fake smile and handed her some forms on a clipboard. Jess took a deep breath and chose a seat. As she filled out the papers she thought about Drew and the flowers and his reaction. He wasn’t as horrified about the pregnancy as she was, but she knew, once it really sunk in, he’d be gone for good. She wondered why he was so sure it was his—she was a good liar; he should’ve believed her when she told him it wasn’t his baby. She seethed about Chris’s stupidity and cursed them both as she tried to remember the date of her last period and signed her name.

  ***

  Drew alternated between sitting on the couch and pacing the living room as he waited for her to return. He racked his brain trying to think where she’d run off to in such a hurry. Chris suspected, but decided he’d better not say anything else. He’d tried to hand Drew a beer, but he’d waved it away as he frowned and tried to think…about her, about their future, about the baby. It was all so unreal. All he knew was that he wanted to see her, to talk to her. He still couldn’t believe that she was pregnant…they had used protection both times.