“Hey, can I come in?”
She was lying on her bed, reading; her face tear-streaked. She sat up and put her book down.
“Can we talk?”
She didn’t say no, so he entered the room and closed the door, shutting out the loud music and talking guests. He sat beside her on the bed.
“Drew, I didn’t…forget. I’m just not used to being with someone.”
He reached for her hand and kissed it. “I know. But I need to know if you want me, or if you’re just trying to find a way to get rid of me—” He stopped and looked away. His heart felt heavy and he was afraid of her answer.
In one jerky move Jess got up on her knees and wrapped her arms around him.
He exhaled and buried his face in her chest.
She felt terrible for hurting him and making him think he didn’t mean anything to her. The truth was, he did mean something…she just didn’t know what. She’d really screwed things up today—first with getting into bed with Chris and then the stupid thing with Steve. She didn’t know what the future held for them, but they were off to a bad start, and it was her fault entirely.
“I’m so bad at this.”
Drew laughed at her understatement. He was going to have to lower his expectations a notch or two. “Promise me you won’t get into bed or dance with other guys from now on. Just with me, okay? I want it to be the three of us—”
But before he could finish a searing pain tore through her abdomen and she clutched it with both hands. She rolled away from him and onto her side, screaming in pain, feeling the gush of fluid between her legs.
“JESS!” Drew yelled and placed his hands on her arm, suddenly terrified. He bellowed for Chris out of the open bedroom window, then turned back to her. “Oh my God, what is it?! What’s wrong?”
“What the hell?” Chris came barrelling through the bedroom door and pushed Drew out of the way. He saw Jess curled up in the fetal position, holding her stomach, and went to her. He saw the blood between her legs. “What the hell did you do?” he glared at Drew accusingly.
“Chris, I need to go to the hospital,” Jess whispered as he held her. The cramps were unbearable and the warm wet trickle between her legs made her heart pound with fear. She looked up at the terrified look on Drew’s pale face. She crossed her legs protectively, gripping Chris’s shirt. Chris picked her up and gently carried her out through the sea of stunned party guests to his truck. Someone had turned off the music. Chris shouted to everyone that the party was over and to get the hell out of his house. He placed her in the backseat and slid in beside her. Drew took the keys from him and, hands shaking, started the truck.
***
In the emergency room, there was nothing to do but wait. They started an IV and drew some blood. The ultrasound showed a good heartbeat, which was encouraging, but the bleeding had only slowed, not stopped. Drew was mesmerized by the tiny dot on the screen that was his child, while Jess looked away. It was a waiting game.
Chris left to get coffee and try to sober up, while Drew sat at the side of the stretcher silently. He hadn’t said a word. Jess suspected he blamed himself because of their fight.
The doctor entered the room and Drew looked at her for the answers that Jess already knew. “There’s no way to know the reason behind these things,” the young E.R. doctor explained, “it’s just nature sometimes, but don’t give up hope—the heartbeat is strong. We’re going to continue to monitor you and wait for the results of the tests. Hang in there. I’ll check on you later.”
She left the room and Drew stood up and exhaled sharply, running his hand through his hair and turning to look out the window. Turning back to Jess with fear in his eyes, he returned to her side.
A few hours later, with no further bleeding and a strong heartbeat, they let Jess go home with instructions to take it easy for a few days and to make an appointment with her OB-GYN for a repeat ultrasound. She felt guilty; she hadn’t even seen her own family doctor yet, let alone an obstetrician.
***
When they arrived home, Jess was exhausted. Chris helped her into the freshly made bed that he’d changed, placed a glass of water on her bedside table, and kissed her on the forehead before leaving her room. Drew was exhausted and emotional too, and Jess could see how afraid he still was as he paced the room. She wondered if she was to blame for what had happened—maybe the baby sensed that she didn’t want it, and that she’d considered an abortion. She knew one thing for sure: if she did lose the baby now, she’d be devastated.
“Hey, come and lay with me,” she said to Drew softly.
He climbed in beside her and carefully held her to his chest.
Chapter 7
“How are you feeling?” Drew asked as Jess let him into the house. He always asked this now, even though it had been a few weeks and her doctor had assured them that everything was fine.
She nodded as he kissed her on the cheek.
“How was your shift?”
The transition to civilian work was easier than she had imagined it would be, everyone was eager to help her and a few colleagues had even invited her out for drinks and to their various social functions, correctly assuming she didn’t have many friends. She always politely declined.
“You look tired, did you eat?”
She led him into the bathroom where she stripped off her scrubs and started the shower. He’d been different since they’d feared they’d lost the baby; he was nervous, and he tiptoed around her as if she was a fragile flower. He barely left her alone for two minutes; he came over every night. It made her feel exasperated, but she also appreciated his concern and attention, and had begun to enjoy the ease of their relationship. A voice in her head wondered if he was not just checking on her and the baby—perhaps he just didn’t trust her after the incident with Steve. She shook the thought away each time; he’d never mentioned it again.
He followed her lead and undressed, then ran his hands over her soft breasts and small protruding belly; he thought she was even more beautiful pregnant.
She kissed him passionately as the hot water ran between them, and she felt the familiar warmth from his kiss spread through her body.
“Is it okay? Are you sure?” Drew asked as he kissed her, relieved when she nodded, touching him. They hadn’t been intimate since she’d almost miscarried. He reached for a condom from the bathroom cabinet and entered her gently against the shower wall.
Afterwards, he followed her out of the bathroom and led her to the bed before she could dress. He pulled the covers around them and held her. Jess reached up to touch his curly hair. He stroked her face. He kissed her lightly on the lips, trailing his hand down to her distended belly and tracing his fingers over it. “It’s unbelievable, isn’t it? To think that there’s a life in there. A real person. Do you think he can hear my voice? That he knows I’m here?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I think on some level they can sense—he?”
“I think it’s a boy. Do you have a feeling about the sex?” Jess shook her head.
“Do you want a boy?”
“I want one of each,” he looked up at her and smiled. She shifted away from him uncomfortably.
“I’m only having this one.”
“Then I want what you want,” he smiled and rolled her back towards him and continued caressing her stomach. He paused and frowned as he gathered his thoughts. He’d been feeling anxious and guilty the last few weeks. “Jess…I’m sorry for upsetting you that night. I was jealous, it was stupid and petty…if I would’ve known that…”
Jess held him against her, and he buried his face in her chest. “It wasn’t your fault. It had nothing to do with that. It was just a freak thing, and everything is fine with the baby now.” He nodded gratefully and clung to her. “I was under way more stress in Afghanistan before I even knew I was pregnant.” She thought about his words. She’d never felt jealous or insecure over another person. When she was a kid she remembered wishing for a real family, some more clothes…but n
ever a romantic relationship. The only example she’d ever witnessed was her foster parents’. Charlie used to slap June across the face whenever she said something he didn’t like. She looked down at Drew’s vulnerable face. She couldn’t imagine him ever doing anything like that. She knew she certainly wouldn’t put up with it. It felt good to reassure Drew; she wasn’t used to looking out for anyone but herself, but she was finding she didn’t mind it.
She stroked his hair as he lay with his head on her chest. Drew squeezed her gently, grateful for the reassurance. He pushed himself up on his hands so his face hovered over hers and he leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips.
***
The next morning, they dressed and had breakfast together. Jess drank three glasses of water and they headed out to Drew’s car. He held her elbow as they walked through the newly fallen snow and mumbled about how he would shovel and put some salt down when they returned if Chris hadn’t done it by then.
She looked at him in wonder yet again. She wasn’t used to being looked after. Sometimes it made her feel unsure and defensive. “You don’t have to come with me, you know. I don’t need any help.”
“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” he was grinning from ear to ear, oblivious to her awkwardness. “It’s incredible to see your own kid on a screen, moving around like that.” She realized he wasn’t even aware that he was helping her. He was thinking about what a miracle this baby was, and how when Jess was in the hospital before he couldn’t appreciate the ultrasounds because he was too anxious about her and the baby’s health. He opened the car door for her and then proceeded to brush the snow off the roof and windows. Jess buckled her seatbelt and tried to process the unfamiliar emotions as she watched him whistle to himself as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
At the hospital, he pulled up to the temporary parking at the entrance and opened the car door for her. She wondered if he thought she was suddenly incapable of looking after herself, but she remained silent. He walked her up to the double automatic glass doors and shuffled her into the warm air of the foyer. She gaped at him as he smiled and called, “Wait for me here, I’ll go park the car and meet you, okay?” She took a seat in one of the chairs in the waiting area and thought that this sort of behaviour was reserved for books and movies, not real life.
After registering, it wasn’t long before the volunteer called Jess’s name and they followed her down the hallway. She asked Drew to wait outside and showed Jess where to undress. The change room reminded Jess of the one at the abortion clinic and she placed her hand on her belly protectively, shuddering at the memory. She shook her head in disbelief; she never would have thought in a million years that she would want a baby.
Reclining on the stretcher with the cold probe pressed into her abdomen, Jess was relieved to hear the heartbeat and catch a glimpse of the moving fetus on the screen. She lay back on the bed and closed her eyes.
After the technician, a petite brunette in her early twenties with big blue eyes, took the pictures she needed and obtained the measurements of the baby, she asked Jess if there was anyone waiting outside. “Husband? Boyfriend? Partner?” Jess stared at her; she had no idea what Drew was.
“The father,” she managed.
“Okay,” the woman smiled, “you go let some of that water out and I’ll grab him.” Jess returned from the washroom and heard the two of them chatting casually about the weather and the hospital renovations before they entered the room. The technician motioned to a chair against the wall and Drew pulled it over as Jess lay down again.
“Hey,” Drew smiled widely at Jess and took her hand. He kissed her on the cheek; she blushed at his affection in front of a stranger. “You okay?” He studied her. The technician adjusted the screen so they could see, and thought that this charming, attractive man was way more into her patient than her patient was into him. Jess nodded, he looked at the technician. “Is everything okay with the baby? I don’t know if Jess told you, but we had some problems a while back…”
“You’ll have to wait for the doctor to give you the full report, but I can show you a few things…”
Drew looked at Jess in alarm.
“Everything’s fine,” Jess soothed, “she can’t tell us. It’s normal to wait for the OB-GYN to get the results.” Drew nodded in relief and focussed on the screen as the technician named each body part. Jess watched Drew. His eyes never left the ultrasound except when he occasionally glanced at her and smiled. She looked behind him at the wall when tears of joy filled his eyes.
“How many pictures do you guys want?” The technician stood up and checked the printer for paper.
“I’d like one for my office and one for my parents if that’s all right. Jess? What about you?”
“One is fine.”
“Three it is.”
She handed Drew the pictures as Jess left to get dressed.
On the way out, Jess felt tired and numb as Drew talked excitedly about how remarkable it all was and how the baby looked so perfect to him. He looked to her for answers, so she agreed with him. He talked about how there was no greater feeling than knowing your child was healthy and how it really put things into perspective; how little else mattered.
Jess tried to think of a greater feeling - of any great feeling, but she always seemed to be waiting for something bad to happen—something that she had to deal with and figure out by herself. But that wasn’t the case today, and she marvelled at the normalcy.
He held her hand and their arms swung as he talked “Do you need anything? Let’s go out for lunch to celebrate. What do you feel like?”
She was starving, so she nodded at him, and he went to get the car.
***
The next night, Chris opened his door for Drew. His friend was out of his usual jeans and t-shirt and all dressed up in pants and a collared shirt; his hair was neat, and he held a bouquet of flowers and smelled of cologne. Chris rolled his eyes, although secretly he was pleased that it seemed to be working out so well for him and Jess.
“Hey man, is Jess ready?” Drew asked as he closed the front door.
“Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly.” Drew frowned as he attempted to read Chris’s face. Chris pressed his index finger to his lips and waved him into the living room.
Drew’s heart nearly stopped when he saw her: she was curled up on the couch fast asleep; stunning in a black wraparound dress and dangling gold earrings, with her hair up in a ponytail. The V-neck of her dress showed her ample cleavage and the dress hugged her curves perfectly. Her hand rested on her baby bump. She even had lip gloss on, which made her already plump lips look even fuller. The thought of kissing those lips made his groin stir.
Chris went into the kitchen to get his friend a beer. Drew sat on the chair opposite her to wait.
When Jess woke up and stretched, she found herself staring straight into Drew’s smiling face. “Good morning, sunshine,” he smiled.
She looked around the room and then down at her attire. Her heart fluttered when her gaze fell back to him and she saw how nice he looked.
“Oh, Drew! I’m so sorry!” She picked up her phone off the table to check the time and was relieved that it was only half an hour after he was supposed to pick her up for their date.
He made his way over and knelt in front of her, cupped the back of her neck and kissed her lips like he’d been dying to do. For a moment he indulged in the fantasy of skipping the date and pulling that dress off right there. She placed her hands on his clean-shaven face and kissed him deeply, inhaling his cologne. She closed her eyes, and for a moment, she imagined that this was how it felt to be a princess in a fairy tale. Abruptly, she pulled away from him at the thought, but he didn’t let go of her.
“Don’t worry. I’m glad you slept. We have lots of time. Do you still feel up for it?”
She nodded as she stood to smooth her dress and fix her hair.
“You look beautiful.”
She smiled and looked away. “I th
ink we got it wrong…aren’t you supposed to kiss me after the date?” she teased.
“I think we’re past doing things in order, don’t you?” He grinned and took her hand. He picked up her coat from the chair and held it open to her; she rolled her eyes at him and he raised his eyebrows in surrender. She allowed him to help her.
“Where are we going tonight?” she asked.
“Guess.”
“To that new place in Forest Heights?!”
“Yep.” He opened the door for her and hoped they wouldn’t need a reservation. He’d never even heard of it. He made a mental note to cancel the reservation for the restaurant he had previously booked once they had a table at this new place.
At the restaurant, after they’d ordered, she asked him if he’d had many first dates. She was still trying to figure out what was wrong with him—why he was still single at thirty when he was obviously ready for a committed relationship. He seemed so perfect.
He reached for her hand. “None that I can remember while I’m here with you.” But his attempt to be romantic was lost on Jess; she looked at him oddly and tried to understand why he couldn’t recall his other dates.
On her doorstep, he leaned in to kiss her and imagined her dress on the floor of her bedroom. She squirmed away. “I don’t kiss on the first date. You’ll have to take me out again and if we have a good time, I might consider it.”
He laughed, amused at her rare attempt at humour. She turned away from him to unlock the door and he pressed up behind her. He hoped she was joking, because he wanted nothing more than to put his hands inside her dress.
“Now you decide to follow the rules?” he murmured seductively into her ear as his hands grazed over her body. “Remember how we’re not traditional? Rules are made to be broken.”
She turned to face him, and they kissed deeply. She wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her mouth, accepting his needy embrace. He reached up from where he was gripping her behind to free one of her breasts, pleasantly discovering that she wasn’t wearing a bra; he placed his mouth over her nipple and pressed her against the door, fully hard. She let out a moan and ran her hands through his hair, pulling it at the ends.
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