My Brother

by Karin Smirnoff

  I placed her hand on top of the blanket. Checked her feet. By now they were azure blue and the flares on her calves had reached her knees and were coloured in like a child’s sky.

  She was breathing in a new way. Hissing from deep inside through her throat and open mouth. For every breath it took longer until the next.

  Caronika came in.

  We are at the end now she said as she peeped under the blanket at the foot end of the bed. I leaned over katarina to whisper in her ear.

  You were my best friend.

  FIFTEEN

  We washed her. Helped each other to turn her fragile body and clean it with soft terry cloths.

  I looked through her clothes and decided in the end on a ramones t and a pair of black jeans. Her corpse looked so beautiful it was unreal. For the first time I saw her. I did her justice.

  What do we do about ingelahansson I asked. Katarina’s mum. Is anyone going to bring her here to say a last farewell.

  Mrshansson is demented of course the nurse said. So there’s a risk she can’t grasp what’s happened.

  Do you think one can’t even grasp if one’s child has died I wondered thinking that maybe katarina’s mum didn’t even know that her daughter had been ill.

  The nurse said that it was up to märitljungqvist to decide what to do. And hurried away.

  I stayed sitting by the bed for a little longer. It felt wrong to leave katarina alone throughout the long evening that was darkening into night.

  I wanted to look for the letters. They were sure to be cleverly hidden somewhere. Katarina had always loved playing cops and robbers. But if someone came in while I searched it could be misunderstood. Make me seem ghoulish.

  When I got bored just sitting I went to get a cleaning cloth and wiped her bedside table. Then I put the homeservice things in a carrier bag. Found a hoover in a cupboard in the hall and used it to tidy the rug and floor surfaces where the care staff had walked straight in with their shoes on. To finish off I mopped the floor and had just finished around the bed when I heard sounds from the door. A key was put into the lock.

  Someone entered. Hi said the voice. It was fredrik.

  I held out my hand and told him how sorry I was. He stared at me but didn’t get himself together enough to greet me in return. Hi jana he said as if we knew each other. I got a plane this afternoon he said and came inside with his shoes on. I had hoped to get here in time.

  He sat down on the chair by the bed and stared at his wife. Patted her arm and mumbled something.

  Didn’t you know how ill she was I asked.

  Yes well he said but things were complicated. No one knew when she’d die. I couldn’t leave my job with no fixed return.

  Have you phoned katarina’s brother I asked but he shook his head. Hadn’t had the time to. Too much on you know. So what happens now he asked as if I were an expert on how to follow up when someone had died.

  You have to arrange her funeral I said. Call nordins and order a coffin.

  Funeral he said stressing the word. That could take weeks.

  It won’t do. Can’t you he said. Can I what I asked. Fix it. All of it if I send you money.

  I wanted to know what he meant by all of it.

  You know all the crap one has to get fixed. Funeral. House-cleaning. Selling the house and her things. You’ll get half of everything if you agree.

  And are you still married.

  Yes he answered after a pause. At least I think so. We put in for a divorce last time I came back here but I don’t think it’s through the system yet. I guess you’re thinking about the inheritance. I don’t need the money but it’s better that I look after her stuff rather than letting her relatives get their hands on it.

  Why is that I wondered and tried to think if there were any other siblings. But stefan was the only one I could remember. He was a few years older than us and had moved to ume.

  Anyway we were married after all.

  And now you want the money but without staying around.

  Something like that. So you get in touch about when the funeral is and I’ll come. I haven’t said yes yet I reminded him.

  He looked me over. I know who you are he said. Katarina has told me about you. And given what you did to her you ought to do your bit free of charge.

  Fair enough I said. For katarina I’d happily work for free. Trouble is she’s dead.

  He shook his head and gave me a mean glance. What do you want he said in the end.

  I want nothing to do with your inheritance. If you want me to be in charge of the whole thing you’ll have to pay me. On one hand there’s what it costs to be buried in a proper coffin with flowers and churchhall coffee. Nordin will invoice you for that side of things. But I want fiftythousand for the job.

  I thought it would be over the top and hoped he would say no way but instead he carried on negotiating. Demanded a spec for what my pay would cover.

  Apart from the funeral I’d arrange to have the house emptied. I’ll sell whatever is saleable. The money will be paid into nordin’s account until the chattels have been divided up. It might be clear enough who will inherit what. When the house is empty I’ll call you. You have to pick the estate agent but I can see to it that he gets the key. Actually there’s only one in the village. Nordin.

  Wasn’t that the funeral director’s he asked.

  That’s right I said. As well as the flower shop and the stationer’s.

  He thought it over while katarina grew colder.

  Ok he said finally. You get the money once you’re done.

  No I answered. Before. Then you can go back to your life as if nothing had happened and of course in a way nothing has.

  I wrote down my mobile number on a torn-off strip of newspaper.

  You know nothing about us he said.

  No I said. I don’t need to. Nordin is sure to be here soon. He will take care of the body so take the chance to say goodbye. I’ll go now.

  The air was cold and clear. Stars glowed above me. Sirius strongest of all.

  At bertilmannberg’s letterbox I met the hearse. Nordin drove slowly. I waved a greeting. As he passed he might have raised his hand behind the tinted windows.

  My mobile pinged and I knew who it would be.

  Send your account number //fredrik.

  I would have done it for free. I had to find these letters.

  Later that night I climbed into my girlhood bed and thought about my dead girlhood friend. She had been right. I left the village with my tail between my legs but I should have stayed in touch with her. She wrote to me now and then. I never replied or perhaps I was on the move all the time.

  If god existed he would see to it that she stayed free, just floating.

  We knew nothing about these things neither of us. The moonlight shone into my room through the attic skylight and I tried hard not to think about john. He had phoned. I hadn’t answered. I wanted to be with him. Even longed for him. But I couldn’t let go of the fear I felt standing in his bestroom with piss running down my legs.

  I sent my account details to katarina’s ex. When I fell asleep it was already dawn. Two hours later the alarm woke me to a new day working at smalångerelderlycare as well as everything else I had agreed to do.

  As usual my first visit of the day was to ingelahansson.

  Märitljungqvist had said a definitive no to letting a senile person see her daughter for one last time. They hadn’t even let her know that katarina had died that night.

  I called nordin from the car and asked for a favour. He thought it was right. Surely a mother should be allowed to see her dead daughter. If we got a move on it could be fitted in before the body turned to ashes.

  When I came in ingelahansson was sitting on the edge of her bed. She was wearing her nappy and the bed was dry. I helped her to the toilet.

  When she was dressed and ready for breakfast I laid the table with coffee and a spongecake. She tempted me with a forbidden cup of coffee. Märitljungqvist used to remind us that
drinking coffee with clients was out of the question because it could wreck her tight teamschedules. She fancied words like that. Wreck. Disarray. Teamwork. Lack of solidarity. Forbidden.

  When katarina’s mum had drunk her first cup of coffee I pulled my chair closer to hers. Took her wrinkled hand in mine. Her hand was warm and soft against my hard cold one.

  Dear child your hands are so cold. Are you eating properly you must have another sandwich.

  Ingela I said. Do you remember that katarina had been very ill. That she had cancer and was being cared for at home.

  My little kattis she said wonderingly. Yes I told her. She had cancer and yesterday night she passed away. I sat with her all evening until she died.

  Ingelahansson was shaking her head. Mercyme that’s terrible she said. My little kattis. And I thought she was getting better again.

  For a while she did get better I said. But the illness came back. Will she get through allright now she asked and I realised this might be hard. I shook my head. No I said katarina died yesterday night.

  Has my daughter died without me being with her she said. Yes I’m so sorry I said. It was very quick towards the end.

  She sat quite still with her hands clasped in her lap her eyes lost in the distance. Now and then she stroked her face or straightened the tablecloth.

  Kattis was her daddy’s little girl. My own little sunbeam he used to say.

  I thought there were times when she was anything but a little sunbeam.

  Ingela I said to make sure she really understood what had happened. If you would like to see your dead daughter once more it’s not a problem.

  Has someone died she asked looking baffled. Yes katarina. Your daughter.

  Oh you mean katarina but she passed many years ago surely. And she was getting on. We must all go when our time comes mustn’t we.

  I decided to leave but come back to see her later. Maybe she needed time to take it all in. I tidied the breakfast away and helped her into bed. I want to lie down for a bit now she said. If you would put the blanket on top of me please. She rolled over on her side and closed her eyes.

  The rest of the morning was troublefree. I was beginning to get on top of the work and thought that I was doing rather well but as usual when one feels good about oneself the churchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints sticks up a warning finger.

  Märitljungqvist wanted to see me in her office. Was all well with mrshansson when you saw her today she asked.

  Well is perhaps not the word I said. She both understood and somehow didn’t. Perhaps she didn’t want to. But I’ll look in to see her this afternoon.

  That won’t be necessary she said. I’ve asked angelika to call. No ifs or buts she went on before I had time to say anything. I met nordin in the stationer’s. He was wondering what happened to you and mrshansson. Now do you understand how utterly irresponsible it would have been to let a demented person see someone who has passed away.

  Yes I said. I realised. That’s why we never went to nordin’s.

  I confessed mea culpa but like a leech in a pond märitljungqvist had her suckers in me and refused to let go.

  So you do understand that you intended to commit a breach of service conditions and once more I admitted mea culpa. Then I had to promise to nevernevernever ever under any circumstances make any other rashdecisions without her express permission. By then I was prepared to promise anything just so I wouldn’t have to listen to the way she expressed herself.

  You may go now she said.

  You’re a secret tippler I thought.

  The day passed slowly. The night dragged. Not only in my mind but in my entire body. Katarina’s hand in mine. Fredrik’s coldeyes meeting mine. The finality of never again being able to speak to a human being if you wanted to say something or ask a question.

  Between two visits that afternoon I drove over to the cemetery. The sun was feeding on the last of the few stubborn snowdrifts. My feet made splatting noises in the slush as I walked down towards the graves.

  I had been here for father’s burial because I wanted to see his coffin lowered underground. As reassurance that he really was dead. Even so there was the persistent troublesome notion that he might have got into heaven on the back of mother’s faith in the warm promise of forgiveness that extended to embrace even animalkillers and childabusers. Mother placed a red rose on his coffin. Said that they would meet again. I put my hand on the coffin lid and whispered if we ever meet I won’t fail again.

  Twentytwo years later I was here facing his gravestone.

  Beloved husband and father missed forever it said first in a slightly sloping script. Below it said erikkippo in gilt lettering. Wife and her date of birth followed below his name. Not his wife siri, only wife. The drowsy tapeworm suddenly became alert. Recently it had been unusually calm. Now it had spotted the next lines of lettering and its jaws opened wide. The inscription said bror. Then jana. The same date of birth and plenty of room for more text.

  The idea was that we would all end up in the same grave. As a family we would share our last rest. Someone had placed a candle next to the gravestone. The candle looked new.

  I walked back to the car seething with the grave plunderer’s urge to overturn gravestones and tear out the plants with their roots. I rarely thought about father these days but much more often about mother. I had been on my way to see her many times but changed my mind. Every time I said forgive I remembered her beaten bruised face under the headscarf. How she pretended all was well and looked the other way when our turn came. You must learn to forgive she kept saying like a mantra. Even as god forgave mankind as they went for his son. Your father doesn’t really want to harm you. All he wants is an orderly home.

  Fredrik had called at the funeral directors and as agreed had signed a written statement that transferred all arrangements for the funeral to me. The money had been paid into my account as well. Märitljungqvist wouldn’t be best pleased with this. She would consider it unsuitable and use words such as bias bribe blackmail and personal advantage. Which is why I asked nordin not to let on.

  Our eyes met. His eyebrows stood out like pale sticks.

  Goes without saying he said. We are bound by confidentiality.

  He handed over a folder with a dark blue velvety back. Just take as much time as you need he said and put another folder on the counter. This time backed in red velvet.

  The bell on the door rang every time a customer came in to buy stamps or something to give as a birthday present. In this jingling draught I went to sit with my folders at a café table next to the coffee machine. A worn looking old man was sitting opposite me slurping coffee into his toothless mouth. He smelled of my childhood. Katarina’s death hadn’t exactly made me grieve but sad thoughts were murmuring inside my head. He leaned forward and patted my hand. Looked at me through his opaque cataracteyes and blinked an elderly tear away.

  It will get better he said. It takes time but it will get better.

  The variety of coffins seemed endless. Simple plain ones in birch. Luxury coffins in handcarved walnut. I wondered what katarina herself would have chosen. Probably something inbetween. And it would look a bit obvious to pick one for seventytwothousand so I decided on one costing nineteenthousand instead.

  The interior wasn’t up to much but it would only hold an urn and not a whole corpse. But the exterior was solid oak stained white and had goldplated handles. Great choice katarina said so loudly the old boy leaned forward again and asked what was that you said my dear. I showed him the picture of the coffin and he nodded.

  A very decent coffin at an indecent price. I could have made one for you he said and examined his hands. They were twisted and bent by rheumatism. If only I wasn’t in such a bad way.

  I went to get us another coffee each and opened the next folder. It was for choosing flower tributes and prices for funeralmeats and other catering. I chose a heartshaped arrangement of red roses that was to be placed on the coffin. Fredrik’s tender love must not go unnoticed.
Also four floor decorations of white lilies and pale pink roses tied with black silk ribbons that contrasted the loveliness of spring with the saddening presence of impermanence.

  But I hesitated about the catering. Presumably the most usual offering was coffee and cakes. But the fredrikname came back to mind. After the funeral he would leave the village forever. People would need something to remember him by.

  I ticked items on the preprinted list. Sandwichlayercake with beer or wine. A display of assorted cakes to follow also a cream-gateau covered in white marzipan. Coffee and brandy. Free refill.

  Nordin was humming approvingly. Good decisions he said. The bereavement of such a young person calls for dignity.

  Yes I said. And her grieving husband.

  Are there any particular hymns he asked. His hands were clasped in front his back slightly bent like a servant.

  The Final Countdown I said. And perhaps The Show Must Go On. Is that gospel he wanted to know. I nodded. Something like that.

  SIXTEEN

  As i had promised I called in at ingelahansson’s on the way home.

  She was still in her bed covered by the same blanket. Food stood untouched on the kitchen table. Flies had landed on the fruitcream pudding. A couple of cheese sandwiches sweated on a side plate. The place smelled of sadness. I sensed it the moment I stepped inside.

  I went to sit by her. Stroked her back. Asked if she was awake. She shook her head and said that she wanted to die. I pulled the blanket up and tucked in her miserable arms. They had been dangling over the edge of the bed like chilly lianas. But her forehead was hot and flushed. I fetched a thermometer from the bathroom cabinet and put it in her armpit. Ten minutes later it had hit forty and more. I phoned caronika.

  Ingelahansson is running a fever I said.

  So give her a few paracetamol. There are suppositories. You know what I mean. Up her bottom. She is mourning her child I said. Says she wants to die.

  That’s not something you can decide just like that she replied and ended the call.

  When the evening shift had turned up I briefed them and drove home. It was drizzling. In front of the car the mist was thick. I had to do an emergency stop to avoid driving into the bundle walking along the verge. I opened the window.