You're All Mine

by Ruth Harrow

  Jeff looks at me seriously. I don't like how intense his eyes are, unsure whether it is all just the drink. 'I don't know. There are a lot of nutters on Facebook. You hear stories, don't you? And you're all the way out in the middle of nowhere here really aren't you? Your house isn't overlooked, is it, Heather? I bet you get nervous when James is off on one of his trips.'

  'No,' I say firmly, even though I've gone cold inside. 'I don't need a man around to make me feel safe. It's not the middle ages.'

  Jeff puts his hand up, palm facing me in a gesture that says he doesn't want to get pulled into that sort of argument. In doing so, he strongly reminds me of the young man he was when I first met Nicole in college.

  He was in the year below his sister and me, but always found one excuse or another to spend time with us. He only stopped one day when Nicole lost her temper in the canteen and embarrassed him. 'Look, I've already told you she doesn't fancy you, so get lost, Jeff!' she yelled at him after he automatically joined our table one day. Nicole had been trying to tell me about a boy from another college she had her eye on.

  He scarpered away so quickly blushing furiously. Abandoning his plate of chips, he ambled tall and gangly back towards the science block.

  Now his well-padded plaid shoulders soften a little with the lubrication of alcohol and I see the resemblance with his younger-self much more clearly.

  Jeff drains his glass in one and hands the glass lazily to Nicole who tuts loudly and puts it with the rest of the used dishes.

  'You're closer to the sink than I am!' she hisses at him.

  He shrugs. 'It's your house, Nic.' He leans against the worktop and turns back to me. 'So, James didn't come with you, then?'

  'No, he was too busy... you know with work and such.'

  'Yeah, he seems too busy to do anything lately. I haven't been able to get hold of him at all. I've sent a few messages, but not had an answer. Is he too busy to bother to send a text, these days? I don't think enough money in the world could get me to keep those kinds of hours at my job.'

  Nicole pipes up. 'Well James doesn't work as a delivery driver, does he? He's a professional, Jeff. Do you know what one of those is?'

  'All right, Nic! You don't have to get nasty!'

  'You know what nasty is, Jeff? Having a party for your little girl and then having a row every few minutes with her mother. Although – I can't believe I'm going to say this – but I can't blame Stacey on this occasion – you shouldn't even be drinking at all at a children's party!'

  'You would need a drink if you were married to Stacey full time – let me tell you!' He moves past Nicole and starts opening cupboards.

  His sister heaves an exasperated sigh, her hands on either side of her head. 'What are you doing now?'

  'Looking for some more to drink.'

  'I think you may have had enough, Jeff,' I say quietly. I feel so awkward talking like this to a man I have only seen here and there over the years. 'Why don't I go and see if anyone needs anything in the other room?'

  'Don't you dare disappear, Heather,' Nicole warns. 'Stay here. And you–' she turns to face her brother, mortified, '–you can learn to behave yourself.'

  'Don't talk to me like that. You sound like Mum – you're starting to look like her now, too.' He laughs, looking around at me to share the joke, but his face falls at my own stony expression. 'You two are so boring. I'm surprised at you, Nic. You used to be fun. Why have you suddenly gone teetotal? You got some news to share with us all?'

  He laughs loudly again, and Nicole looks weary. She is the palest I've ever seen her and looks suddenly as though she might be sick.

  'Daddy?' A little voice floats over to us from the kitchen doorway. Lilly is looking between the three of us, tentatively.

  'Lilly,' Nicole sings as she dashes across the room, recovering herself immediately. 'Have you finished playing games?'

  'Natasha's Mum says they have to go home now.'

  'Oh, right. Well, I'll play a few games of something with you all.'

  'But I want Daddy to do it.'

  Nicole looks scathingly over at Jeff who shakes his head. In his mind, he has clocked off his fatherly duties for the day.

  A memory of my own childhood stirs and I feel a stab of annoyance.

  Nicole glares at Jeff who has returned to rummaging through his sister's kitchen cupboards. 'Daddy isn't feeling well at the moment Lilly,' Nicole simpers. 'He's gone all dizzy and silly-headed. You can have fun with Aunty Nicole instead.'

  Lilly looks over at her father for confirmation. 'That's right, Little Pumpkin. I've got to help Heather with something in her house, too.'

  I look questioningly at Jeff, then at Nicole who cottons onto Jeff's thread. 'Oh yes, Heather needs Daddy to help her fix her smoke alarm. I forgot.'

  I stare pointedly at Nicole. 'Does she?'

  'But why can't he do it later?' Lilly whines as Nicole ushers her back into the party room.

  'Daddy needs to do it now,' Nicole replies. 'Maybe he can also have some strong coffee at Heather's house and that will make his head feel better too,' she adds pointedly with a silent 'sorry,' to me over her shoulder.

  'Alone at last,' Jeff laughs.

  I don't join in.

  'Shall we get off then?' he says, pulling his corduroy jacket off the back of one of the dining chairs.

  'You know I don't really need someone to fix my smoke alarm.'

  I think of what I said to Nicole on the matter, annoyed she has told people I need help when James isn't around. I had only said I wanted it, that was all.

  'Yeah... but I wouldn't say no to a decent coffee though. Nicole's right. I probably need to sober up. For Lilly's sake and all...'

  I take a shuddering breath, angry that Nicole has left me this task when I had already promised I wouldn't sneak away. 'Fine.'

  31

  I stand back to let Jeff inside and shut my front door behind us both. My best friend's brother walks in smoothly, his eyes dart here and there, taking everything in.

  I feel as though he is making an effort to memorize it all – the locks on the front door; the distance to the stairs; which rooms lead off the hall.

  All of a sudden, he stands taller and seems more collected, as though the two-minute walk to my house alone was enough to sober him.

  'The kitchen is this way,' I say.

  'The kitchen?'

  'Yes, that's where the coffee will be.' I move quickly and shut the door to the living room, leading him instead down the hallway to the kitchen.

  The last thing I need is those unwanted eyes wandering over the stain in my carpet.

  I gesture for him to sit down at the island. I then rummage in the gift basket I received the other day for the jar of the strongest espresso in the house.

  All the time I am aware of Jeff's eyes on me as I move around the kitchen. I am even more put out to see that he has chosen my favourite stool.

  James, Nicole and anyone else who knows me always avoids the seat out of common respect. But Jeff has been here much less often, perhaps he simply doesn't know that is where I always prefer to sit.

  'Is it the living room smoke alarm?'

  'Yes,' I say stiffly, glancing over my shoulder and back as I pour hot water into the mugs. I don't ask Jeff if he wants milk or sugar before I hand it to him.

  'Cheers, Heather.' He winks at me and takes a large sip, clenching his teeth as though embarking on another shot of something stronger.

  I sip some of my own paler and much sweeter drink in silence.

  Jeff is the first to break it. 'This place looks just the same as in the pictures.'

  'Pictures?'

  'Yeah – the ones on your blog.'

  'Oh. I – I didn't realise you read it.'

  'Well, I wouldn't say that I read it so much. But I follow along with it. It's nice to know what you get up to these days. I see you so little and all...'

  There is another silence, during which, I open and close my mouth trying to ease the atmosphere, but
I can't think of anything to say.

  He is right, we hardly see each other. But surely that is normal since he is only the brother of my friend and doesn't exactly live nearby?

  Why did he have to say something so odd?

  'You should try and drink that coffee,' I say, noting how Jeff takes his time with it, choosing instead to stare out the window. 'It really will make you feel better.'

  It is obvious from the look on his face what he is doing. He sits at my island, finally satisfied by seeing my well-photographed house from an inside perspective.

  He must have been following my blog for a while, I haven't posted anything featuring the kitchen for over a year, I think.

  I finish my own drink and make as much noise as possible putting my mug beside the sink. Anything to pierce the heavy quiet.

  When I turn around again, I see Jeff staring right at me from his perch upon my favourite stool.

  'You seem jumpy, Heather. Have you really told Nicole everything?'

  'What do you mean by that?'

  He shrugs. 'Nothing, I guess. 'I suppose if someone broke into my house to write lipstick messages on my bathroom mirror, I would be a bit nervous too.'

  I stare at him, again uneasy with the feeling that he is hardly drunk at all.

  He meets my gaze, as though waiting for me to correct him on his mistake. 'It wasn't lipstick,' I say keeping my voice calm, even though I am furious with Nicole for telling anyone what I thought I had told her in confidence. 'Anyway, like I told your sister, it was probably just one of James's friends messing around, that's all. I only really mentioned it to make conversation. It's a bit more interesting than telling her I sat at my laptop all day and worked.'

  'I see... So you made it up?'

  'No – of course not.'

  The doorbell rings and Jeff visibly jumps.

  I move quickly down the hallway and pull open the front door.

  My earlier annoyance at Nicole evaporates when I see her on the doorstep; I'm just grateful she is here.

  'Nice of you to join us,' I say sarcastically as I shut the door behind her and follow her into the kitchen.

  'I'm sorry. I've got them started on a game of musical chairs. I've got the other parents to step up. Serves them right, they've just been sitting on their phones the whole time. It's a party, not a babysitting service.'

  We reach the kitchen and Nicole spots Jeff sitting once again at the island.

  He eyes her sheepishly. 'Hey, Nic.'

  'Have you calmed down, now?'

  'Yeah... Heather makes a good coffee.' He raises his mug to me in a 'cheers' motion and takes another gulp.

  'Good.' Nicole seems to have readied herself for a fight on the way here and now that she isn't getting one, she seems a little deflated. 'Well, maybe you can behave yourself when you come back to the party. Remember whose day it is? You and your wife upset that little girl of yours enough with your arguing – she told me so when I looked after her recently. I thought you two would have appreciated the time off more?'

  Jeff laughs, but it sounds fake and hollow. He doesn't have the skill honed as I do. 'I need more than a day here and there, Nic. It's hard work looking after children, you know.'

  'It's only one little girl and she's really well behaved. She won't be if you and her mum keep bickering all the time. She'll start acting out or something. She puts up with a lot if you ask me.'

  'Well, we put up with a lot looking after her. You know full well she was an accident.'

  'Yes, I know. You've told me for years! Just do me a favour and don't ever tell her that, will you?'

  'No, of course not. What do you take me for?'

  'Well, all right then. She's asking where you are. So why don't you finish that and go back over there?'

  Jeff drains his mug and hands it to me the same way he did to Nicole earlier. 'You don't mind if I just quickly use your loo, do you, Heather?'

  My mind wanders upstairs, wondering what other rooms he has seen online that he might peep his head into on his way past.

  I feel uneasy when I try to recall whether I tidied my potential outfits away, or if they are still laid out upon the bed. 'Sure, no problem.'

  'Cheers, sweetheart.'

  Nicole sinks down into her usual spot on the other side of the kitchen island and I perch on the edge of my favourite stool which still holds much of Jeff's warmth in the smooth leather.

  'I'm really sorry, Heather. I didn't realise he was going to be like this today.'

  'It's fine.'

  'No, it's not. You don't know what it is like. You don't have any family embarrassing you.'

  'That's because I don't have any family.'

  She looks up at me sharply. 'Sorry. I forgot...' She casts around, eager to change the subject. Her gaze falls on the hamper basket. 'Is this what James sent you?'

  'Yes. You saw my post on Instagram?'

  She nods. 'It's nice that he does that, even after all these years. Dean never used to do that at all, not even when we spent time apart. I guess I know why now...'

  Her long fingers rummage through the basket. 'Where did you put the note?'

  I shrug, frowning, trying to remember. 'I don't know. I think I probably threw it away already. Why?'

  Something in Nicole's eyes suggests suspicion, as though she can see through her best friend. But the next second, I am satisfied I probably imagined it. I'm so paranoid.

  'I don't know,' Nicole says, eyeing the basket jealously. 'I think I might have kept it, personally. I can only guess what it is like to have a loving husband, someone who cares about you enough to send a gift when he isn't even there. Sad, eh?'

  I shake my head and open my mouth to say something comforting but I suddenly become aware of Jeff watching us from the shadowy hallway, listening.

  Before I can help it, I gasp.

  Nicole looks across sharply too and suddenly seems flustered. 'Jeff, you idiot! What are you doing? How long have you been just standing there like that?'

  He laughs. 'I only just got there,' he says, but it is obvious he is lying. 'Why? Are you afraid I'm going to find out what a loser my little sister is? I already know, Nic.'

  Nicole lets out a sound of rage and gets up quickly. She crosses the room and nudges Jeff forwards. 'Come on, Heather. Let's get back to the party.'

  Somehow in the hallway, Jeff ends up leading from the back. The hairs on my neck stiffen and prickle uncomfortably the whole way back down the lane.

  Even when we reach the warmth of Nicole's cottage, the chill seems unwilling to let go of me.

  32

  Before

  I'm almost literally buzzing when I put the key in my front door and let myself in. My trip to London was incredible.

  I'd been to the place before with James as a tourist, but this time was so much different. Today, after a brief interview, I was officially appointed primary designer for an executive duplex apartment in the waterfront development.

  Today, I haven't just seen how the other half live, I am an insider; in charge of choosing furnishings and colour schemes almost as though it were my own property.

  This is definitely where it is at.

  On the train journey home, I revealed to my followers that I had secured the deal officially today. I started reading the influx of comments as the carriage swayed this way and that through countryside and unfamiliar towns. I barely even remember the journey at all.

  I can't wait to tell Nicole.

  As soon as I get my coat and shoes off I'm gushing my news over the phone to my best friend who is just as excited as I am.

  'Heather, that is so exciting! I'm so happy for you.'

  'I know, and Gavin – the owner of the duplex – he was so nice. He had really done his research on me – knew everything I'd done before from my online portfolio.'

  'Hey, I see what you mean, he is nice too! He looks like Pierce Brosnan's long lost brother.'

  I hear tapping from Nicole's end of the line.

  'Nicole – ar
e you Googling him?'

  'Well, of course, Heather. I want to see who you are talking about. It's only the picture he has put on his LinkedIn page.'

  'Well, anyway, he was very professional with me earlier.'

  'Oh, Heather, that's so boring! You have to give me something! Was he as charming as his photo?'

  I burst into a girlish giggle that is worthy of Nicole herself and she does the same.

  'All right,' I say. 'Yes, he was very charming. And he did flirt a little bit. But I don't think he meant anything by it. Anyway, he is married too.'

  'Heather, I'm looking at this guy's photo on my tablet. It probably doesn't mean anything that he is married. What these executive types do in the City, stays in the City.'

  I think of James, driving off to work each day, often staying away. 'Don't say that.'

  A noise in the hallway snaps my attention back to my living room. 'I think I can hear James coming back. I just wanted to fill you in. Speak to you soon. Bye.'

  I put my phone down and turn to see James leaning against the living room doorway.

  'You're home late – even later than me,' I say, crossing the room and wrapping my arms around him.

  He takes hold of my upper arms and lifts me off him. 'I think we need to talk.'

  I look up into his face, he looks tired and wan. 'What is it? I have some news to tell you, actually.'

  'Oh? What is it?' His skin is paler than usual and he looks deadly serious.

  The happy balloon that was buoyant inside my chest seems to shrink, deflated.

  'I – I got the duplex contract. The owner – Gavin – he wants me to redesign his whole apartment.'

  James says nothing, staring at the patch of empty carpet beside me.

  'It's a really big job. You should be really pleased that I managed to get it. Gavin – he was talking to some other people – really good people. But he chose me!'

  James looks up at me. His face looks so unfamiliar without a trace of his usual placid manner. 'Is that because you did such a good job of flirting with him?'

  I groan, annoyed he had overheard me on the phone. Had he heard the entire conversation? 'No – that was just – just Nicole being her usual self. She wanted me to say something like that. That's not what happened at all – it was all really professional.'