"Still, it must be nice, not having to worry about every cent," Nurse Bridget said.
"I do, though. I always worry."
She turned to look at me. "I'd have never thought that."
"I never had money, growing up. I don't mean that my parents never gave me pocket money or any of that. I mean that my family, well, my mother, had nothing. I went to bed with nothing in my stomach more often than I like to remember. And, a few times, we'd have to do a runner in the middle of the night to avoid landlords. I have nightmares that one day, everything will disappear and I'll have to go back to that."
I picked at the seam on the arm of the chair, not meeting her eyes. Why had I told her that? I never told anyone. Not Madeline, not anyone. Of course, there was still a lot I left unsaid. It was Nurse Bridget's face that did it. She had one of those faces that made you feel you could say anything. She radiated kindness and understanding.
Nurse Bridget nodded her head.
"You never outgrow something like that. We weren't that well off ourselves. I worked like a slave to put myself through nursing school. My dad said I was an idiot, that I'd get married and have kids and didn't need a career. Who even thinks like that nowadays? But he was wrong anyway. You can't raise kids and pay a mortgage on one wage. That's a luxury I can't afford."
Over the last few days, I'd found out a lot about Nurse Bridget's girls. She'd shown me photos of them, the whole happy family.
She'd finished making the bed. Before she left the room, she turned back.
"There's no shame in being happy because your man is coming back."
How had she known?
"He's not my man."
"Yeah, but you want him to be. I saw him when he came in with you. He wants it too. What's the problem? You like each other and he seems like a decent guy who'll stand by your side. Go for it. You only get one shot in this life."
That might be true but there was so much more to this than I could ever explain. I'd said enough for one night.
When she left, I stared at my phone for a long time. Of course, I wanted to see Matty again. The last five days had been way too quiet. I'd swam and I'd gone to Pilates class and I'd had my nails done at the beauty salon. But that was just filling in time. What I really wanted was to get out of this place.
There was something I had to do. I had to tell Matty that I didn't want him in my life. Even if it hurt, I had to push him away. While he was looking after me, he'd never find the woman he deserved. No other woman would put up with him rushing out to rescue me in the middle of the night. They wouldn't put up with drunken phone calls or the drama. He'd be forever tied to me if I didn't cut him free.
A tiny voice in my head said I could just stop with the drama. And another voice cried out because never seeing the gentle curve of Matty's smile was too much to deal with. The thought of that smile was the only thing that kept me hanging on at times.
With any luck, the doctor would let me out tomorrow. I'd no longer be considered a danger to myself and other people. I'd get away, far away and let Matt live his life in peace. Seeing Ash had made me realize what poison I'd become. I'd never have made Ash glow like that other woman did. I'd never have filled him with the same happiness. Surely, Matt deserved that too.
I'd tell Matt I was sick of him hanging around. I'd tell him I was still in love with Ash, and that would never change. I'd have to hit hard to free him but I'd do what it took. I'd find that strength within me somewhere.
Matt
I GOT HOME, DROPPED off my stuff and showered, then headed straight to the hospital. I couldn't wait to see Fiona. I'd bought her a few presents. Some silly things. I'd also got a copy of The Freaks' album to play her. Even though I'd hated going, I was really proud of my work on that album. It wasn't the final press but it was still pretty polished.
I wasn't sure if Fiona and I would ever come to anything. It seemed impossible that after ten years, she'd suddenly fall in love with me. I didn't care. The main thing was for her to know that she had someone in her corner, someone who'd do anything for her. I hoped that one day, at least, she'd understand that she didn't have to shoulder her burdens alone.
I heard her screaming before I even got to her room. I wasn't sure if I should approach, but maybe she needed me.
"You can't say no!"
I stood in the doorway. I didn't want to eavesdrop but Fiona didn't seem to care who heard her. Madeline was in the room with her, sitting in the visitor chair.
"I can and I will."
"But you heard him. I can't leave here without someone taking care of me. You just have to sign the form. Say you'll do it. It's not like anyone will check. I'll go back to my apartment and things will be all sunshine and roses."
Madeline folded her arms. "I'm not taking responsibility for you. We have a business relationship. That's where it starts and ends."
Fiona turned her head. That'd really hurt her. Pain flickered across face. She didn't think of Madeline as just her manager, hadn't for years, so that'd been a low blow.
"Fine."
"I'm not being cruel, Fiona. I just can't take the risk. If I sign those forms, what happens if you end up passed out in a club in two days' time."
"I won't."
"You can say that but your words don't carry much weight. I've been burned too many times before. It's a legal responsibility. I have to have you living in my home. I have to watch over you. I can't do that. I have other clients and they need me too."
Fiona folded her arms and didn't look at Madeline. She didn't cry but her eyes blinked like she held back all the tears.
I coughed. I needed to make my presence known.
"Matty!"
I smiled but she didn't smile back.
Some forms sat on the table beside her bed. Fiona picked them up.
"Can you believe that Madeline is trying to ruin my career? She's supposed to be my manager but she won't do one simple thing to help me."
Even though she spoke to me, she stared at Madeline.
"It's not a simple thing. It's a huge step, and it's one I'm not prepared to take. Surely you have someone else you can stay with."
"If you need a place to stay, you're welcome to stay with me. I have heaps of room. It'd be no big deal."
Madeline's mouth dropped. I don't think she expected me to agree so readily, but I meant it. I had no issue with Fiona crashing at my place. I'd be home all the time and happy to keep an eye on her.
"I think you should read those forms before you agree to anything. It's not just giving up your spare room. You have to be responsible for her. There's a legal obligation to it."
I took the forms from Fiona and scanned through them. Madeline wasn't wrong but I wanted to do this if I could.
"I have to get out of this hospital but I can't impose on Matt. He's got enough going on."
"It really wouldn't be an imposition. You've been to my place. You know how much room I have."
"No, Matty. It wouldn't be right."
I handed her the forms back. I wanted to insist but I had to look at it from Fiona's point of view. She knew how I felt about her and she was vulnerable. I'd never cross the line with Fiona and she knew that, but still it might be awkward as hell. I didn't want to push things and seem like a total creep, taking advantage of her when she was down. It might look as though I was just doing it to further my cause.
"Don't you have any other friends you can stay with?" Madeline asked. "Surely there must be somebody."
Before Madeline could react, Fiona flung the glass of water from her bedside table across the room. The glass missed Madeline, smashing against the wall behind her, but water sprayed everywhere.
"Get out! Just get out of here and don't come back. Both of you."
Madeline rolled her eyes and walked out. I hesitated for a second but Fiona glared at me. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be alone so she could cry. I knew that. I left, wishing I could hold her in my arms and comfort her but knowing that wasn't possible. Fiona wou
ld never cry in anyone's arms.
"There's a cafe downstairs. Come down and grab a coffee with me. She'll be fine in a little while."
I followed Madeline down the hallway. I could see why she refused to have Fiona stay with her but she had been a bit harsh. Fiona needed to be handled properly.
"You think I did the wrong thing?" Madeline said when we sat down. "I could see it in your eyes. But it has to be like this. She needs a rude shock. If people keep bailing her out, she's never going to learn to stand on her own two feet. Tough love."
She flicked the end of her scarf over her shoulder.
I saw Madeline's point but I didn't agree. Fiona had something inside, deep at her core, that stopped her getting too close to people. She shut everyone out. That was the dark part of Fiona. She needed to know that there were people in the world who could see that dark part and not turn away from her.
I just shrugged.
"You need to walk away from her. It's obvious how you feel about her but she's never going to return those feelings. I don't think she has it in her. Maybe if you walk away, one day she'll run after you, but I'm not even sure about that. Just forget her, find someone else."
That was easy for Madeline to say.
The waitress brought our coffees over. Madeline stirred a couple of teaspoons of sugar into hers.
"There's something you need to know. Fiona would never tell you this but she can't continue staying here. She can't cover the bills. She's terrified."
"And you still won't let her stay with you."
Madeline shrugged. "I can't make that sacrifice. It's not like offering to look after someone's cat while they're on holidays. It'd be a huge responsibility. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but I can't. And I can't mollycoddle her. She overdosed. It's not like she has cancer or something. She did the wrong thing and she keeps doing it. She needs to grow up and she needs to learn that there aren't always going to be people there to catch her when she falls."
"I will be."
I drank my coffee. It was decent for a hospital coffee.
"Will you? I'm not sure if you should be. How many times can she push you away before you stop being there for her?"
"I'll be there. She needs someone."
Madeline didn't reply. She kept stirring that coffee even though the sugar had been well and truly dissolved.
I had to be the one. That much was clear. Even if it made Fiona hate me, it was better that she stayed with me than she had these worries. I'd met some of her other "friends". Even if she could stay with them, it would be the worst option. Other than Ash and me, it seemed most people Fiona knew were just as bad as her. Instead of helping her, they'd have her out clubbing within two days.
This was something I had to do. For Fiona's sake.
That reminded me that I had things to say to Madeline.
"What was with this thing between you and Fergus anyway? Forcing me to go to New York. That ever happens again, and I'm walking. I won't be manipulated."
I wasn't an angry man but I wasn't prepared to take shit like this either. That must've been clear because Madeline recoiled.
"You'd put your entire career on hold for her?"
"If that's what it takes. It's my decision. Keep out of my life."
Madeline looked up at me. "You might end up regretting this."
"Like I said, my decision. Now I've got to go."
I went back up to the ward. I couldn't offer to pay Fiona's hospital bill again. She wouldn't take the money from me and it'd just make her more upset. But I'd look after her if I had to force her into it.
When I got back to Fiona's room, the doctor was with her.
"Give me those forms," I said.
"No, Matty."
I fixed her in my gaze. She looked away.
"I'm not taking no for an answer. You need somewhere to stay for a while and you need to get better."
The doctor handed me the forms. "He's right. It's much better for you to be back in the swing of things than stuck here. No one wants to be in hospital longer than possible. It'll just be for a month or so and then, if there are no lapses, you can get your independence back." The doctor looked at me. "If you want it, that is."
He gave one of those dry laughs that seem particular to doctors.
Fiona sighed. "Do what you must," she said. But she didn't look at me.
Fiona
THE NEXT MORNING, I packed up my things and waited for Matty.
So, my plan to discourage him hadn't exactly gone well. But then, what choice did I have? I'd thought for sure Madeline would let me stay with her. When she'd said no, that cut me to the bone. Rationally, I could see why she didn't want the responsibility, but I knew what she meant by her words. I'd fuck up again, and she was sick of bailing me out. I'd expected that but that didn't make it any easier.
I'd always known I couldn't rely on Madeline. No matter how much she acted like family, she wasn't. She was a businesswoman, and I was good business most of the time. But then, if she acted like my family, she'd be even worse.
Even if I was moving into Matt's apartment, I could still make him see that this romance between us wouldn't work. I couldn't imagine that having me live with him would enhance his image of me in any way. I wasn't the domestic type.
I'd stick to my room. Try to avoid interaction with him as much as possible. That's the only way this would work.
"Want to drop by your apartment and pick up some things?" Matt asked when he arrived.
We swung by so I could get some real clothes and makeup. I didn't have any work booked. Madeline had canceled the entire month, not knowing when I'd be released. That gave me two weeks of doing nothing. Added to the week or so I'd been in the hospital, this was becoming my longest break in ten years. I wasn't sure what I'd do with the two weeks off. Normally, I worked and I partied. There wasn't a lot time for anything else around that. Maybe I needed to Google how other people spent their spare time. I could take up some kind of hobby.
I did have to go back to the hospital on a weekly basis. I wasn't sure what good that would do, but it was part of the conditions of my release so I couldn't argue. Once a week beat staying there.
Matty came into my apartment with me. I wanted to tell him to stay in the car but he was insistent. I wondered if that was part of my release conditions too. I hadn't read through everything. After all, I could have drugs stashed all over the place for all he knew.
I rarely had visitors. I didn't like other people in my space, and I was never home except to sleep and change clothes. Still, once Matt came in, it didn't feel uncomfortable.
When he walked in, he didn't say anything, but there was judgment in his eyes. The place was in a little disarray, that was true, but I hadn't been expecting to end up in rehab when I'd gone out. I'd rushed home to find a clubbing outfit but I hadn't liked anything in my wardrobe. That meant the bed and most of the floor was covered in reject outfits.
"You have a lot of clothes," Matt said.
"Mostly people give them to me. It's no big deal."
If anything, it became an annoyance at times. Designers only give you free clothes because they expect you to wear them. Often at high-profile events. When I was fourteen, the idea that I could have all these beautiful clothes for free seemed like I'd entered a magical kingdom. I took every single thing I'd been given, loving it all the more if it sparkled or glittered. Just having clothes that were brand new, not secondhand, had been a huge deal for me, so suddenly getting all this designer stuff had nearly exploded my head.
It'd taken a few years to get over that. Fretful PR people rang Madeline because I'd been seen in another designer's outfit or I'd been photographed with my dress slightly bunched up. They seemed to think I lived my life just to make their clothes look good. I might get paid to do that but I needed my own time too.
I swept all the clubbing outfits off my bed and sat down.
What did I need?
I got a bag from the top shelf of the wardrobe and threw
in some t-shirts and jeans.
"Sleepwear," Matty said. "Toothbrush. Shoes."
Yeah, definitely needed that. Then I went into the bathroom and grabbed some necessities.
Matt leaned on the doorframe as though he belonged there. Not once since we'd been here had it felt like he was infringing on my space, and the comfort I felt with him made me uncomfortable. Matt didn't belong here, and I didn't belong with him. That illusion would only hold up while I was the good, in control Fiona. But I couldn't remain like that forever. Those demons would surface again, I had no way of knowing when, and then anything I built with Matty would be blown to tiny pieces.
"Is that it?" Matt said, looking at my small bag.
"Yep, I don't need much really."
I left the clothes scattered on the floor. I'd deal with them later. I had nothing else I wanted here.
On the way out, I glanced at a photo on the coffee table. Ash and I, taken a few years back. It was one of the few photos of me I didn't hate.
Matty noticed me looking at it. I was going to explain, but then remembered my vow to discourage him. I picked up that photo and put it in my bag.
I knew that hurt him but that had been the whole point, hadn't it? You had to be cruel to be kind, and Matt needed to be pushed away. If I didn't set boundaries from the start, this stay with him could end up being the disaster of his life.
Matt
I WATCHED FIONA PUT that photo in her bag. I knew she wanted me to see her do that. The question was why. I knew that her feelings were for Savage, not me, and I wasn't the kind to make a move on her while she was so vulnerable.
I smiled at her. "Ready to go?"
She nodded.
We headed back to my car.
"Have you thought more about life and things?" I asked her.
"Life after modeling? I've been thinking a lot about being able to eat my fill of cakes. Eat until my stomach bursts. But, other than that, I don't know. I have no other skills. Putting on clothes and smiling for the camera, that's it."
"You know you have much more going for you than that. A million girls want to do the same thing but not many of them reach the level you do. What about when you were a kid. What was your dream job then?"
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 30