Seeing Garrett had made me realize how permanent this sobriety thing was. It wasn't just about living with Matty until the hospital gave me the all-clear. I had to break off with all my old friends and my old lifestyle, or I'd just end up where I'd been before.
Was that even possible? Everything tangled up together. Those friends, my work, that life. It wasn't like I could take a permanent break, but it'd be impossible to stay clean when every single person I knew partied. I was too young to give that life up.
This would be so much easier if someone gave me a deadline. Stay clean for a month and I had free rein to go wild. I could do that. Maybe even three months and I'd be good. But forever. A whole lifetime stretching out in front of me.
The champagne Garrett had brought over wasn't even a good one. Cheapskate. He'd thought he could bring some cheap booze over and I'd give him something better to drink.
I took it into the kitchen and carefully twisted the stopper so it wouldn't make a noise. I didn't want to wake Matt up. The slight pop satisfied me. Why did they make booze so much fun if you couldn't drink it?
Even though the bottle had gotten warm, it tempted me. Now that I could smell it, my body craved the taste. It was only champagne, not real booze. One glass wouldn't hurt. I'd dump the rest down the sink.
Just a sip. I'd had a hard week. I'd taken the first step to the trash heap with my career and this thing with Matty confused the hell out of me. Matty might be the greatest thing that ever happened to me but I walked on a cliff's edge. One false move and I'd tumble to the jagged rocks below.
I got a tumbler out of the cupboard. I couldn't use a wine glass and have Matt notice it in the dishwasher.
A tiny mouthful in the bottom. That'd be enough.
No. I couldn't do it.
My hand shook as I began pouring the champagne down the sink. Just a thin trickle. On the surface of my brain, I thought I had to pour it slowly so as not to wake Matt, but the truth was, I wanted to have the chance to change my mind.
God, that warm, cheap champagne smelled good, though. It had the smell of oblivion and comfort. All that hippy bullshit they talked about at the hospital, the meditation and breathing techniques, none of that would ever feel as good as that first sip of a refreshing drink at the end of the day.
I stopped pouring. I couldn't do this.
Yes, I could. I put my left hand over my right and forced myself to keep pouring. The wine frothed a little in the sink. I choked back tears. Why was I crying? It was just cheap champagne. But it felt like something of me was emptied down the sink with it.
I shook out the last drops and ran some water in the sink. What would I do with the empty bottle? I didn't want Matty seeing it and thinking that I'd drunk it. I could run it down to the garbage room but then he might wonder where the champagne had gone.
I was overthinking this. I'd just tell Matty. He'd believe me, surely? Maybe not. No one had much faith in me these days.
When I turned around, Matty stood in the doorframe. I wanted to ask him how much he'd seen but I didn't need to talk. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. As he kissed me, he eased the empty bottle out of my hand.
He understood.
Matt
I DIDN'T KNOW IF I'D ever be sure of Fiona. I hadn't meant to watch her last night but I'd known I couldn't interrupt. It was a struggle she'd had to work through herself. There was nothing I could do or say to help her with that.
I wanted to help her without overstepping the line.
"Do you think I can change, Matty?" she asked, speaking softly in my ear.
"You're already changing. You're becoming stronger. I can see it and I can feel it."
We'd made love after that with a special tenderness. None of the usual frenzy. Afterwards, she'd lain in my arms until she fell asleep.
But then, this morning, it was like nothing had happened. She'd gone out. She had to see Madeline. I'd spent the day writing, then I had a call from someone who wanted me to help write songs for their album.
When I got out of the bedroom, Fiona had returned. She dragged me back into the bedroom and stripped my clothes off me with a frantic need. I didn't even have to react. She pushed me onto the bed and rode me until I exploded.
Nothing in my life had ever felt as good as Fiona did. I was happy to follow her pace. Gentle or urgent. It was all good.
"We should think about dinner," she said when we'd finished.
"You hungry?"
"Hell yeah. Starving. But maybe I should just have a salad. I've put on weight. I got the whole lecture from Madeline today. I'm not just a drunken, junkie lowlife now, I'm a fat drunken, junkie lowlife. I think she'd rather see me back on the coke than putting on weight."
"I think you look fantastic."
Hell, that glow she got on her face when she rode me had been the most beautiful thing I'd seen in my life.
"Yeah, me too, actually. I haven't put on a ton of weight or anything, just enough that my bones aren't poking through my skin. I feel much more comfortable too. Weird. I've always been underweight, technically. When I was younger, I could eat anything and stay scrawny. It must be old age."
She actually pinched a bit of skin away from her upper arm. A tiny little fold of skin. Not even fat, just skin.
"I'd say that's just normal. You're getting a bit more muscle tone too."
I ran my fingers down the slight curve of muscle in her arm.
"Muscle tone! Hell, that's a dirty word in Madeline's vocabulary. 'You can never be too thin or too rich', that's her mantra. I'd agree with the 'too rich' bit but I'd be happy with some more muscle. It'd be cool being stronger."
I rested my head against hers.
"It's your body. If you want to put on a stack of weight or become a bodybuilder or anything in between, just do it."
I stroked her hair.
"But it's not my body. It never has been. It's public property. Every photographer, every stylist, every client has an opinion on it. That's not to mention the editors who want various bits airbrushed in or out. It's a strange, strange world."
"Sure is," I said. "At least we never had to go through it. The management company did get narky when Savage started bulking up. Thought he looked too old for the fan base, they said. But then the fans loved that so management didn't care. Nick always struggled a bit with his weight but nothing major."
"And you can eat anything you like."
That got me thinking a whole bunch of dirty thoughts about what I wanted to eat. I ran my hand down to her belly.
"I know what I'd like to eat right now," I said in my most lecherous voice.
"Go for it," she said.
I didn't need any more encouragement than that. I crawled down the bed and spread her legs wide apart. It only took the slightest touch of my tongue and Fiona began moaning. The noises she made spurred me on. I pressed my mouth tighter against her slit, wanting to give her pleasure but also wanting to draw that pleasure out, teasing her into a fury.
Her fingers twisted in my hair and her hips bucked up to meet me. She screamed my name. Nothing made me happier than hearing her scream my name. I whirled my tongue around her clit, pressing harder, then taking that swollen nub between my lips.
"Oh hell, Matt. Matt!" She screamed, then slumped back on the bed. "Oh fuck, that was good," she said.
That husky voice really got to me. My cock was already stiff but, when she used that tone, it hardened with an urgent need to be buried in her.
Before I could go any further with that thought, the doorbell rang.
"Ignore it," Fiona said.
Good advice. I was in no state to greet visitors.
They rang again.
"Damn," I said. "Can't people get the hint?"
"Obviously not. You'll have to go. I can barely move."
"Hey, I'm..." I nodded my head toward my cock. "They'll go away eventually."
I kissed the crook of her neck. That made her writhe in the most tempting way. She gave
a little whimper.
The doorbell rang again. A long, insistent ring. That person wasn't going away.
Instant boner killer.
I got up and put my robe on.
"I'll get rid of them so we can get back to this," I said.
"Make it snappy," she said.
I tied the robe and headed to the door. It had better be a national emergency. That's the only excuse I'd accept.
Fiona
I HEARD A VOICE COMING from the living room. Whoever it was, Matt had invited them in. They must be some top-level guest. That made me curious. I didn't want to be seen but I crept out so I could listen at the living room door. Eavesdropping, yeah, it's bad and all that, but it's the best way to find out information.
Surely this wouldn't take long. My body ached for Matt, the frustration pounding through me. I needed him again and he was out there talking to someone.
I pressed my ear against the door. It was definitely a male voice but I didn't recognize it. None of the StarX guys then. Maybe Matt's manager?
I squatted down, hoping that I'd hear better from a lower position. Everybody knows you have to have your ear near the door handle to hear the best.
"Let's get down to business," the strange voice said. "I'd really like it if you'd reconsider the tour. We had a few candidates in mind but, to be frank, you're miles ahead of any of them. You get our new song, more than get it. You ran with it, made it better. We're pretty much willing to offer you whatever you want."
I had no idea who that was but something about the timbre of the voice sounded familiar.
"You came all this way to ask me that? I'm flattered but..."
I knew Matt would be running his fingers through his hair in that way he had. The stalling for time gesture.
"I had another errand to do here." The stranger laughed. "Of course, I could've done that by phone but I wanted to prove that we're serious about this offer."
"I don't doubt that," Matty said. "But I'm not interested."
"Is there anything we can do to make you interested?"
Hell, of course I knew that voice. Damo from The Freaks! I'd been listening to their CD ever since Matt got home from the States. Matt couldn't say no. Not to The Freaks.
If he'd turned down the offer to tour with them, there'd only be one reason why, and that reason was me. Fuck. I'd always known I'd be the kiss of death for Matty's career but this was way beyond anything I ever imagined. You didn't turn down a band like The Freaks.
I needed to get away from the door. I did not want Matt knowing I'd heard that conversation, not until I worked out how to deal with it. Matt was a damn fool and I had to make him see that.
Hell knows what I did as I stood up. Grabbed the door handle wrong or something. Instead of standing upright, I hurled myself through the open door into the living room.
Naked.
In front of one of the biggest rock stars in the world.
Fuck!
Matt
FIONA TUMBLING INTO the room, buck naked, was not the best way for this discussion to go. What had she been doing? How much of the conversation had she heard?
I had to give it to her. She handled herself well. She only blushed for a second then stood up tall, ignoring her obvious nudity. I couldn't imagine any other woman handling a situation like this with so much dignity.
"Damo, this is Fiona Bagley."
"Fiona, of course I know who you are."
Damo stared at her. I couldn't blame him. To have one of the most beautiful women in the world tumble into the room like that would captivate any man. He didn't even stare lustfully, just with curiosity and shock.
He looked at me and then back to Fiona.
"You turned down the tour?" Fiona said. Her voice was quiet but it had an edge to it I didn't like.
"I had my reasons."
"You have no reasons, Matty. Those reasons don't exist. They are all in your head."
Shit, that made me look like a dick. I had few fucks to give about Damo's opinion of me but I hated the way Fiona said that. This would not end well.
"We'll talk about this later," I said to her. "It's complicated."
"It doesn't sound very complicated to me. Now, excuse me while I get dressed." With that, she swept out of the room.
Damo stood up.
"I think maybe this is a bad time for me to be here." He stared at the vase sitting on the coffee table, obviously not wanting to make eye contact with me. "I'm in town for a few days. Call me if you want to discuss this."
He sat a business card on the coffee table.
I walked him to the door. When I went back into the bedroom, all hell would break loose. I wanted to avoid that for as long as possible. I had nothing to feel guilty about. It was my career, my decision to make. But, beneath that, Fiona and I both knew why I'd made that decision. I had no regrets about passing on the tour but Fiona obviously didn't see it that way.
When I got back to the bedroom, Fiona had taken her clothes and gone back to her room. I found her dressed and packing her bag. She couldn't leave. Legally, she couldn't leave. But I wasn't going to play that card. That would be the lowest blow a man could deal.
"How much of the conversation did you hear?" I asked her.
"Enough. You're an idiot, Matt. You can't turn down something like that."
"I can and I did. I don't need it. I don't need the money and I don't need the attention. I'm happy with my life."
I had been happy with my life until about ten minutes ago. Now everything had fallen to shit.
"You think we're going to live happily ever after like this? That's a fool's dream. Don't be naive, Matt. It's been fun but this thing between us was never going to last."
Those words cut the ground out from under me. We'd never discussed our future but I'd hoped Fiona would at least give me a chance. I'd have made her happy. I'd have given her all the love and security she'd never had in this life. All I wanted was a chance to prove myself to her, and to prove that the world wasn't the harsh place she imagined.
Now all that had blown away. I ran my fingers though my hair, looking for the right words to say but there were no words. I'd fucked this up. But what else could I have done?
"I'm sorry, Fi. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I turned down the tour but it's not something I ever wanted. I only went to New York because Madeline and Fergus blackmailed me into it."
I hadn't meant to say that. But I had to be honest with her. I stood behind her and slipped my arms around her waist.
"It's not about you. I like my quiet life."
She shook me off.
"You like being complacent? You like this boring life? You do nothing to challenge yourself. At least things with Savage were always exciting. He'd never fuck up his life like this."
She zipped up her bag and walked to the door.
"Don't leave," I said. "We can work this out."
"There's nothing to work out, Matty." She smiled at me. That fake smile shone so bright. "It was fun but it's over. There's nothing between us. Surely, you realized that. I needed a place to stay and it was just payment rendered. But now, I've had enough. This is way too boring for me."
Fiona
TEARS STREAMED DOWN my face as I walked down the street. The things I said had hurt Matt but they'd hurt me just as much. I'd known I'd have to really destroy him or he'd never give up on me. That might make me a bad person but if I'd stayed with him, I'd be even worse. I'd always be a burden to him, dragging him down until he had nothing. I'd known that from the start. My biggest sin was starting this with him in the first place.
I thought about getting a cab back to my apartment but decided to walk. Even if people stared at me, I needed to keep moving. I was in no hurry to get back to that empty place, just to stare at the walls and sink into self-pity.
The wind whipped around me, drying the tears on my face. A hot, dry wind, so hot that it sucked the moisture from my body and left me a dried-up husk. Hot and windy, the worst kind of weather you
could get. I sweated. I felt sticky. My hair blew on my face and stuck to my skin.
I'd had a few days of happiness with Matt but even our best moments had been stolen. I'd known it would never last. I should never have moved in with Matt. I should've pushed him away when he returned from New York.
He'd turned down The Freaks to be here with me? How ridiculous. I didn't know what he saw in me, but he was so wrong. I wasn't the person he thought I was. God, I couldn't even be one tiny bit as good.
An old man bumped into me.
"Watch where you're going," he said.
"You watch it." I kept walking.
I'd been like those stray dogs Matt looked after. Those stupid dogs. A stray he'd picked up and wanted to rescue. But, ultimately, he couldn't save those dogs and he couldn't save me.
I wasn't really like them, though, with their slobbery faces, all ready to love and trust anyone who showed them a bit of attention. Ha. He should stick to those dogs. At least he got some reward for his affection with them.
I took off my jacket. Even that was too much fabric for me to deal with. The wind blew grit into my eyes. Like they weren't red and puffy enough already. I fumbled in my bag for my sunglasses, needing that layer between me and the world. Where the hell were they? I had way too much junk in this bag. I wanted to upend it just to find those damn glasses. Then I found them, in a side pocket.
I hoped Matt came to his senses. I hoped he rang Damo and told him he'd do the tour, begged him even. He'd be on a plane in the next few days if he had any sense at all, instead of wasting his talent.
Just down the end of the street was a wine bar. I'd been there a few times. God, a glass of wine was exactly what I needed. Nothing like booze for soothing the soul. As I got closer, that wine bar called to me. Just one drink wouldn't hurt. One tiny glass of wine. No one would ever know. I could stop at one.
I got near the entrance and stopped walking. I could smell the booze in the air. It'd sure take the rawness from this hurt in my soul.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 36