When I got in the elevator, Nurse Mary got in as well. "You're looking fine," she said. "Mighty fine."
I nodded to her. "Feeling fine, too."
But that was a lie. I felt like a ball of nerves, like a schoolboy on his first date. I had so much to say, and I had to get this right. I didn't have much small talk in me, and it didn't take long to get to Fiona's floor. I went straight to her room.
Her empty room.
Her empty bed.
I looked around. Every trace of Fiona had disappeared. No flowers, no clothes. Nothing at all. One rose petal remained on the floor near the bed, darkened and dried up.
I rushed to the nurses' station. What the hell had happened?
The doctor had mentioned the risks, but Fiona's recovery had been going so well. Was she back in ICU? Why hadn't they called me?
My heart pounded as a covered the small distance.
The nurse at the station didn't look up.
"Excuse me," I said.
"Just a moment."
I took off my glasses and cap. "I don't have a moment. My girlfriend's gone. What's happened to her?" I pointed to Fiona's room while looking wildly around. I didn't know what I expected. That Fiona would appear out of thin air, laughing about my stupid panic?
The nurse kept up with her paperwork, and I wanted to shake her. Couldn't she see that this took priority over everything else? I wanted to snatch that paperwork away from her.
"The doctor will be here shortly," she said.
The doctor? Damn it. That didn't sound good.
"Please take a seat," the nurse said.
Because, yeah, I'd sit down calmly and wait in a situation like this. Fiona had seemed fine last night. A little down, but still fine. I shouldn't have left her. I should've sat by her bedside all night. I walked down the hallway a little, trying not to get too upset.
"Matthew?" Dr. Roche said.
I steeled myself for the worst. "Where's Fiona?"
"We're moved her."
"ICU? God, what happened?"
He put his hand on my arm. "Nothing like that. She requested the change."
I nodded. "Where is she? Tell me so I can go to her."
His mouth drew into a thin line. "That's the thing. She's asked that we tell no one where she is."
"Except me, right?"
He shook his head slowly. "No. Especially you. She was emphatic about that. She said being separated from you would help her recovery, and while I don't agree with that, we take patient confidentiality very seriously here. She's removed your name as next of kin from all her records. This is as much as I can tell you, I'm afraid."
I collapsed onto one of the seats lining the hallway and buried my head in my hands. "What can I do?"
"There's nothing you can do, not at the moment. If she reconsiders, she'll contact you. Recovery from something like this isn't a straightforward process, and the mental aspect is as important as the physical one. I've seen the way you look after her, and I don't agree with her decision, but my hands are tied."
For a moment, I considered rushing through the hospital, checking every single room until I found her. She had to be in this building somewhere.
"Don't look for her," the doctor said.
Were my thoughts that transparent? "I can't just let go."
"You have to, I'm afraid. You really have no other choice."
I had to have choices. This couldn't be the only option, that Fiona disappeared and I accepted it. I'd said I'd do anything for her, but breaking up with her wasn't a thing I could do.
Deep down, I wondered if she did blame me for that accident. Despite her words, she had to feel some resentment toward me. I'd caused the accident that had ruined her life, and now I'd become part of a scandal that would expose her. No wonder she wanted to get away from me.
I wanted to slam my fist into the wall, screaming and cussing, but that wouldn't bring her back, and it wouldn't undo the damage I'd caused.
As I left the hospital, I checked my phone. The story had hit. Boy Band Lies, the headlines said. StarX Stole My Song.
The shit storm had begun.
Fiona
I CRIED AFTER MATTY left. I knew I'd done the right thing, but that didn't make it hurt less. It had to be like this--I'd known it all along. But instead of letting him go, I'd clung to him. For just a short while, I'd thought we could make a go of this, but I'd been wrong. It was better to let him go now than to watch him slowly slip away. If he stayed with me out of obligation, he'd end up resenting me. Every day, I'd see him love me a little less. Every day, that special way he looked at me would diminish.
He'd spend all his nights around girls much more beautiful than I could ever be now. Girls who'd throw themselves at him. Matty might be a good man, and he might be a noble man, but he was still a man. There was only so much temptation a man could resist, especially when the alternative was heading home to someone with a ravaged face.
I'd told him to go away so many times before, and it'd never stuck. I knew if I stayed in this room, in this bed, he'd be back and we'd make up and it'd be just like before.
I had to make a complete break. If I disappeared from Matty's life forever, he'd miss me for a while, then he'd get over it. And if I disappeared, I wouldn't have the temptation. I had to become a new person, but I couldn't do that while I was clinging to my old life.
My hand trembled as I pressed the buzzer.
"I have to get out of here," I said to the nurse.
She stared, not seeming to comprehend.
"I have to leave this room," I told her.
"Maybe in a few days."
"Now!"
The nurse flinched, but my mind was made up, and I had no time to spare.
"Don't just stand there gulping. Get someone I can talk to who can make this happen."
"But it's late."
I raised my eyebrows. "So? This is an issue concerning my security and my recovery. I'm no longer safe in this room. Do you understand?"
This would've been so much easier if Nurse Lucy had been on duty. She'd have had a lick of common sense instead of standing around gulping.
"I'll talk to someone," the nurse said.
"Not just someone, but the right people. This needs to happen tonight."
The nurse wasn't totally useless, since a while later, a doctor came in with a security guy. Not Dr. Roche, but another doctor.
"What's the issue?" the doctor asked. "I hope you haven't called me in here for nothing."
I didn't want to tell him the entire truth. That was none of his business.
"There's a major security issue. My partner is going to be involved in a scandal. Do you know what that means? People--and by people, I mean scumbag reporters--will want to know his every move. Those moves involve me. Do you want a swarm of reporters all over your hospital? In the hallways, getting in the way of the patients? There's only one solution here, and that's to move me and not let anyone know where I am."
The doctor stared across the room for quite a while. The security guy didn't say anything but watched the doctor. Finally, he sucked in his lips and assessed me.
"There's a place. Not in this hospital, but out in the countryside. Normally, it's just used for convalescence, but you're recovering better than we expected. It might work. It won't be cheap, though."
"I don't care about cheap. I care about not having my scarred, messed-up face all over the media. I care about not being the subject of public gossip."
"You'll need to be heli-lifted."
"That's not a problem. Just do what needs to be done. Getting out of this hospital will be even better. No one will know where I am, and no one will know where to look for me. This is to remain completely confidential. No one must know about it. Especially not Matty."
"Surely, you want someone notified."
I thought for a moment. "My manager, Madeline. She should know. No one else. Not the staff here. Not a single soul other than her."
The doctor nodded.
> It didn't take long after that for things to start happening. Dr. Roche came in to talk to me, and I told him the same thing. Then a nurse packed up my things. I got put into a wheelchair and taken to the helipad. I had no idea where I was going, but I could see the lights of the city twinkling below me until those lights thinned out to just a sparkle here and there.
I should've asked where this place was, but I could find that out later. I didn't even care that much. I was on the move. My plan had worked.
When we arrived, someone met me at the helipad with another wheelchair. I got taken into a beautiful country mansion that looked nothing like a hospital. Even in the dark, the garden they wheeled me though had a strong scent of flowers. I couldn't see much of the grounds, but they were definitely gorgeous.
Then I got taken inside and wheeled to my room.
My old room had been pretty fancy, but it'd still been a hospital room. The room here was nothing like that. I felt like a guest in a grand home. The furniture all looked antique, especially the dressing table. French doors opened to the outside. I almost smiled, thinking about that huge bed, until it hit me that I'd be sleeping in it alone.
All alone forever.
Matty
WHEN I GOT BACK TO the hotel, I got out my phone. I had to call Damo, but before I could do that, I noticed the background photo on my phone. I rarely paid attention to it. That photo of Fiona at the Eiffel Tower.
Jesus, I'd told her that one day she'd look back at the photo and realize how beautiful she'd been. It'd been like I'd cursed us by saying that. It might be a stupid thing to think, but a cold dread crept through me. I couldn't bring myself to change the photo, though.
I called Damo.
"I think you need to know," I told him. "This shit's hit the media, and it might reflect badly on the Freaks. If you want me to officially leave and sever any connection, I'll understand. From your position, it's all about damage control."
Damo laughed. "I bet you're glad that your name's been taken off that song."
"That's the silver lining."
"To be honest, I don't think this is going to harm us at all. It was a different time. You were a different person. I'd like to think our fans won't be influenced by something like that. If you didn't have to stay with Fiona, I'd want you up on stage with us tonight. That's the best way to damage-control this. Unfortunately, with you leaving the tour without explanation, it's going to throw fuel on the fire. But, yeah, I know you can't leave her."
"Yeah, umm... about that..." I wasn't sure what to say.
"She's okay?" Damo asked.
"She's gone," I told him. "I told her about this last night, and today, she's not in her room. The doctor said she's been moved, and that's all he'll say."
"Shit, man. That's rough. But maybe it's for the best. If you can't find her, the press can't."
I stayed silent for a while, churning this over in my mind. Damo was right about getting up onstage. Playing with the band, knowing Fiona had left me, would be the toughest thing I'd ever do, but it'd shit all over these rumors.
"I'll do it," I said. "If you really mean it. I'll play tonight."
"Get off the phone and book your flight. And, Matt, things will work out with Fiona. That woman is crazy over you."
Damo could say that, but she'd gone. I reeled from the shock, the ache inside me only getting stronger. She'd told me to go; she'd told me that a thousand times. I'd never believed her. I'd never once thought she meant it.
I threw a few things together, then told my parents what was going on, filling them in on Fiona and the show tonight.
"We're coming with you," Mom said. "It won't take long to pack."
"Huh?"
I'd assumed they'd say here, or maybe make arrangements to go home.
"We've never seen you play with your new band. Of course we're coming," Dad added.
Before I even got a chance to argue, Mom had their stuff packed and ready to go. There was no real reason they couldn't come to the show, except that I wanted to be on my own to brood. I had so much to sort out in my mind. Mom and Dad were great, but I didn't want cheering up. I didn't deserve cheering up. They both seemed so keen to come with me, though, so I could hardly say no.
We jumped into a cab, and I booked their flights while we rode. I called Ash and sent a few messages. With that out of the way, I slumped back and stared out the window.
Mom and Dad chatted about the scenery and things they'd done in Paris. Their talk hovered around me, but I couldn't focus on it.
Since I'd left the hospital, I'd tried calling Fiona a dozen times. I'd messaged her just as many times, but I got no reply. I hadn't expected one, but I still couldn't stop checking my phone.
There had to be some way I could get to her. Once I returned to Paris, I'd work it out. If I saw her again, I could make her understand. I knew what was going on in Fiona's head, and the thing that hurt most was that she didn't trust me. She thought I was the kind of guy who'd lose interest in her because of the way she looked. No matter how many times I tried to tell her, she still didn't believe that I loved her for who she was, not what she looked like.
Or maybe it wasn't like that at all. Maybe every time she looked at me, she saw the man who'd ruined her life. Nothing I could give her would compensate for that.
Mom reached out and rubbed my leg. "It'll be okay. She just needs to time to adjust," she said.
I tried to smile, but I wasn't convinced it would be okay or that it'd work out fine in the end. There was no guarantee of that.
But we'd arrived at the airport. I took a deep breath. I had a plane to catch and a show to play. I'd committed to that, and the fans at the show tonight wouldn't give a goddamn if my world had fallen apart. They wanted to have a good time. I could put my troubles aside for one night and give them the best night of their lives.
Matty
WE WENT STRAIGHT TO the stadium when we arrived in Barcelona. I took Mom and Dad backstage and found Damo.
"It's our last night here. It's going to be a big one," he said. "Are you sure you remember the set?"
I shrugged. "I haven't been away that long."
"No, but you've been through a lot."
"I'm good," I told him. Then I noticed Mom and Dad staring at Damo in a way that was a little creepy. "These are my parents. They were staying with me in Paris and came to see the show."
Damo shook their hands and asked them a bunch of questions. Mom blushed, and Dad chatted away. While they talked, I went off to check my gear. Even though the guitar techs would've kept everything in tune, I wanted to make sure for myself.
Fay rushed to me. "How's Fiona?" she asked. "I really wanted to visit, but I never got the chance."
I wasn't sure how much Damo had told the rest of the guys. "She's not really up for visitors," I said. "She's very self-conscious."
Fay nodded. "But she's much better now, right?"
"She's out of danger," I said.
"And meanwhile, you're the current scandal," she said with a laugh. "It's so stupid."
I took a deep breath. Fay meant well, but I wasn't really in the mood for her chatter. Before she could say any more, Crow came over and put his arm around her.
"Leave the man alone," he said.
She pouted. "Sorry, Matt. I get carried away with my talking sometimes."
I waved my hand. "It's fine."
Both of them gave me a look, and it hit me why Fiona had said she didn't want pity. It wasn't a nice feeling. Sure, people meant well, and their sympathy was genuine, but I'd much rather not need anyone's sympathy. Things became awkward for a minute.
Soon, the two of them went off, and it was just me and my guitars. I picked one up.
Facing the crowd tonight would be difficult, but playing wouldn't. With the guitar in my arms, everything settled into place, and for a moment, I forgot the rest of the world.
Just playing a few simple riffs got me more grounded.
We sound-checked, then I gave Mom and Dad a tour
of the place until it was time to go on.
That night, the music came back to me like I was fitting into a well-worn groove. I loved playing with this band, and I loved that Damo wanted me back onstage with them, despite everything. They were like family, and I knew they had my back.
A few songs in, Damo introduced the band. "You all remember Matty, right?" he said. "He's been away for a while because he had a bit of an accident, but now he's all mended and ready to rock. You are mended, Matt?"
I gave the crowd a thumbs-up and got a huge cheer. Damo had been right. Most of this crowd had no problem with the whole song issue. They were here for the music, not some long-ago drama.
Then some joker in the crowd screamed out, "Play 'Candy-Colored Kitten'!"
I held my breath, not wanting this to turn nasty, but Damo stepped up. "Not sure we know the words to that one. You're at the wrong place."
The tension dissipated as laughter filled the arena.
Crisis averted.
Attention fell away from me, and I went back to playing my guitar off to the side. It was my place, the place where I belonged. If I left the tour, left the band, I wouldn't miss the fame and everything that went with it; I'd never lied about that. What I would miss was being part of something bigger than myself: this group of people, all intertwined.
When I worked as a session muso, I'd gotten to play, but it was always other people's music. I could write my own songs, no problem about that, but it was a solo endeavor. I'd never have that interplay, those moments when I soared on the genius of those working with me, when the four of us became so more than just four people. A kind of magic got plucked out of the air, and we created music that came from God knew where.
That happened tonight. The music floated out of us, hovering over the crowd, holding them all captive. Energy pulsated in the stadium, not the usual frenzied tension, but something much greater yet somehow gentler. My heart couldn't be mended, but that energy soothed it, at least.
As I played my guitar, all the pent-up feelings I'd held back since the accident rushed out. Things I hadn't even known I was holding in. Those feelings swirled into the air, mixing with the energy flowing from us to the crowd and being fed right back to them.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 82