Elijah grinned from the other side of the stage. He felt it too: that sense of a perfect moment.
I reached a clarity I'd been lacking.
Fiona had been right. Even if I denied it, I would be making a sacrifice for her if I left all this behind. It wasn't a sacrifice I'd regret making--she'd always be first in my life--but it would still be something that was taken from me.
When she disappeared, my first impulse had been to hunt her down, search every single room in that hospital until I found her. I'd intended doing whatever it took to find her when I got back to Paris. I'd break her down until she agreed to see me, no matter what.
But I'd been wrong.
Fiona had made her decision. It might be the wrong decision; it might be a decision based on her insecurities. She needed time. Maybe she even needed distance from me. I'd thought I could give her everything she ever needed, but there were things she needed to find for herself. No matter how much I loved Fiona, no matter how much I wanted to be with her, things between us would never work out until she learned to love herself.
A wave of excitement ripped through the crowd as we got to the chorus. People loved this song. The louder they shouted, the tighter we played.
I couldn't be with Fiona now, and I had no idea if I ever would be, but for now, my place was here.
Matty
AFTER THE SHOW, I TOLD Damo I'd stay on with the tour. I'd go back to Paris to check out of my hotel, then I'd join up with them in Rome. I'd also need to tell the whole story to the rest of the band, and to the Wreckage guys too. I didn't want more questions like Fay's that I'd need to sidestep around.
Mom and Dad came backstage to join us.
"That was amazing," Mom said.
Dad slapped his arm around my shoulders. "I'm proud of you," he said.
I explained to them that I was going to continue with the tour.
Mom nodded. "That's probably for the best. You can't keep running after Fiona. She's got to sort things out for herself."
We both had things to sort out, but I didn't say that.
As the crew finished packing up and came backstage, I wanted to get Mom and Dad back to the hotel. When some of these guys got drunk, it wouldn't be pretty, and there was a bunch of groupies hanging around. There'd be cussing and fooling around. My parents didn't need to see that.
But before I could get that arranged, Mom had gone off to chat with Polly and Fay. I groaned. That definitely wouldn't end well. Who knew what those girls would be talking about? The three of them kept laughing.
Then Damo came over, and Dad started asking him questions about the technical aspects of the concert. Damo took Dad off to look at some of the equipment with Dad grinning like a schoolboy on an outing. He loved all that techie shit.
That left me on my own.
After every concert on this tour, it'd been Fiona and me. Often, she didn't come to the shows, and I'd rush back to the hotel to be with her, but it'd always been the two of us together. The space where she'd always been seemed so empty now, a reminder of what I'd lost. With the party buzzing around me, that empty space seemed to taunt me. It would be like this for every show from now on, and I had to get used to it.
A groupie in a very short leather miniskirt threw herself down on the sofa beside me. She gave me a seductive grin as she flicked her long black hair over her shoulder.
"Great show," she said.
I didn't even look in her direction. Hopefully, she'd get the hint and back off. Instead, she moved closer.
"You seem awfully sad," she said. "I can cheer you up."
I pushed her away, but she didn't want to take no for an answer. I'd never been that tempted by groupies, and the thought of any other woman but Fiona seemed vile.
She threw her arms around my neck. I tried to unpeel them, but she clung all the tighter. I tried pushing her again, but I didn't want to hurt her. I just wanted her gone.
"Don't fight," she said. "I'm very good."
I tried to stand up, but that became impossible with her gripping me so tight. Then, suddenly, she looked up. I followed her gaze.
Mom.
"Get your hands off my son, young lady," Mom said.
The groupie looked at Mom, then looked at me, then she scurried away.
As I stood up, Elijah caught my eye. I'd never hear the end of this, my mom saving me from a groupie backstage.
It was time to get out of there.
The next morning, we got up early to head to the airport. I checked the news. Ash had released a statement from both of us apologizing. It didn't really say much. Better to put out a bland, non-newsworthy statement and let this mess die down.
I put my phone away. There'd be a million comments online, both for and against us. Ash certainly had more than his fair share of haters; he was that kind of person. But no matter what people said about me, it didn't really influence my life at all. I didn't even bother reading any of it.
When I got back to the hotel, I changed my booking and packed up my room. I still had a suitcase filled with Fiona's things. I hadn't thought about that, since I'd taken what she'd needed from the case and put it in the wardrobe.
I gazed out the window at the hospital. There was a light on in her room, but it wasn't her room any longer. Someone else had that room now, and I had no reason to look.
I guessed the best thing to do would be to take her stuff back over there and give it to her doctor.
Just walking through the hospital doors made my heart thud.
I didn't want to think about the possibility that I might see Fiona. She wouldn't be ready to leave her room yet. But the familiar sights and smells took me back to that time that seemed so long ago now, that time when I'd thought we had a future together. I ached to have that time back, but right now, I had to put my life into a holding pattern.
I couldn't plan for the future, but I had what I had. This ache inside had to be ignored. I took the elevator up to the doctor's office. I'd drop off the case and get the hell out of there.
Before I could enter his office, though, I heard him talking to someone. I didn't want to interrupt, so I waited outside. Then I heard him mention Fiona's name. I really didn't want to eavesdrop, but I couldn't move away. Even an indication that she was getting on okay would make me feel a lot better. I couldn't ask the doctor for news straight out. He'd never tell me.
I leaned against the wall, feeling like scum for doing this but not able to move.
"If she needs further surgery, she'll have to come back from Lyon in a few weeks," the doctor said.
What? Come back? She wasn't here at the hospital but somewhere else? Lyon?
"She's very depressed," the other voice said. "I think that needs to be our immediate concern."
"She'll get better care for that at the home than she would here. They have a lot more staff to deal with those kinds of issues."
I heard them move and wanted to get away from the office door before the doctor saw me. I couldn't let him know I'd been listening in like some horrible creeper. Knowing where Fiona was didn't help me one bit. Chasing after her would betray her trust and make her retreat even further.
I'd go to the nurse's station and leave the case there. Then I'd keep walking and continue on with my life.
Fiona
I'D BEEN IN THIS HOSPITAL two weeks, but the days all ran together. I'd asked them to take my phone when I first got here so I'd have no temptation to call Matty. Every single day, I craved to ask for it back. Even if I didn't call him, I'd be able to read somewhere about what he was up to. Every single time, I resisted, though.
A nurse came in each morning, and after I ate breakfast, she'd help me shower and dress, then she'd wheel me up for my physio sessions. I hated those sessions with a fiery passion, but at least they tired me out and gave me less time to think. I hated thinking, so I worked hard to exhaust myself.
After lunch, there were a bunch of activities I could do. This place was like a fancy club with all their options. Mostly, I
just stayed in my room, looking out at the gardens. I didn't want to interact with the other patients.
Most of the bandages had been removed from my face. I never looked at myself, and I didn't want anyone else looking, either. I could feel the scars crisscrossing over my skin, their hard, waxy feel contrasting with the rest of my skin.
Sometimes, it seemed like I'd spent half my life in places like this, only before it'd been rehab centers and I'd spent my days planning ways to get out so I could score more drugs. This time, I dreaded the day I had to leave. I had no desire to return to the real world. Even with my heart breaking, this was the best place for me. I didn't need to see anyone from the outside world. I didn't need to interact.
The nurses here were very businesslike. Sometimes, I wondered how they were getting on in my old ward. I'd never found out if Nurse Lucy's boyfriend had proposed to her, and I hadn't been there to give her another makeover. I guessed their lives had moved on and I was just another patient.
When I got back to my room after physio that day, the nurse said she had someone she wanted me to meet.
"You know I don't like interacting with the other patients," I told her.
"Even if you don't like it, you should meet this woman."
I wasn't sure what made this woman special, but the nurse seemed really insistent.
I sighed. "Do I have to stay long?"
"Not unless you want to. We can come back to your room anytime."
"Okay." I agreed, but I wasn't sure this was a good idea.
The nurse wheeled me to another room. I hadn't realized we were going to the patient's room. Her room was on the ground floor, the same as mine, but hers looked out on another side of the building. It got the afternoon sun.
I looked around, but I couldn't see anyone else in the room. That was strange. This room seemed warmer and more elegant than mine, with little touches like flowers on the tables and personal things around. A writing set and a gorgeous pen on the small desk.
Was she out somewhere? It wasn't really polite for us to come to her room when she wasn't there.
Then the woman wheeled herself out of the shadows. She greeted me but didn't look me full in the face. Even sitting in that chair, she wore a tea dress with a large rose print. She could've been going to a garden party. I looked down at my sleepwear, and suddenly, it didn't seem appropriate. There was no reason I couldn't dress in real clothes.
The nurse left but hovered near the doorway.
"Fiona?" the woman asked.
Even though she kept the left side of her face turned away from me, I could see the scarring.
I nodded in answer to her greeting. Then I looked back at the doorway. I wasn't sure what the nurse had in mind, but if this was meant to be one of those things where they introduced me to someone worse off than me to make me feel better, I wanted out of here now.
The nurse had wandered off.
"I'm Lilly," the woman said, extending her hand.
I shook her hand. The woman had a gracefulness that was noticeable, even sitting in that wheelchair.
"I've seen you in magazines," she said. "You've had an amazing career. Despite your history."
Where was that nurse? I definitely needed to leave. Maybe I could wheel this chair myself. I'd been working hard on building my muscles. I didn't need the nurse. Anything would be better than sitting here listening to this woman's judgement on my life.
"Don't leave," Lilly said. "I just wanted to let you know that I know a few things about you."
I didn't say a word, but she continued talking.
"You've probably never heard of me, but I had my share of fame. Way before your time, of course. I was a dancer. I spent many years on the stage."
That explained her graceful movements. She turned to me, and for the first time, I saw her face full-on. Burn scars covered one side. Although they were faded now, the scars were still noticeable.
"I was in a fire, and you can see the damage. That's not the reason I'm here now, but I was thought of as one of the most beautiful women in the world in my day."
My thoughts turned to pity. To have been that beautiful and have it all taken away. Maybe this woman stayed here now to avoid attention. I could understand that.
"In the long run, though, what does it matter?" she asked. "Beautiful or not, it's all nothing."
I shook my head. This woman was deluding herself if she thought that was something the world didn't care about.
"But you lost your career. You lost everything."
Lilly laughed. "I didn't lose a thing, dear. I gained everything. Instead of living to be other people's fantasies, I became my own woman. I traveled the world. I did the work I wanted to do. I fell in love and got married."
I raised my eyebrows. Was she for real?
The nurse brought in a tray with a teapot and cups while we talked. Lilly told me about the work she'd done after the fire. She'd studied and become a veterinary surgeon.
"Animals don't give a damn what you look like, my dear. I was rich, so I didn't have to work, but that became my greatest joy. I volunteered overseas and worked with stray dogs who had no one else to care for them. I've been all over the place, and I like to think I've made a difference."
Lilly poured the tea and offered me a cup.
"That's what I should've done in the first place, instead of that stupid ballet. That's why I'm here now. Years and years of excessive rehearsal have finally taken their toll. I've fucked up my legs. You know, during all those years of dancing and acclaim and admiration, all I ever wanted to do was eat a damn cake. Eat until I could eat no more. I spent too much of my life starving just so I could twirl around on my tiptoes."
I nodded. I knew the feeling. Even after I'd quit modeling, it had felt like I could never indulge for fear I'd put on weight. During the time Matty and I had explored Paris, I'd see pastry shops and stare longingly through the windows, but I'd never go inside.
Madeline's voice had echoed in my head. "Do you really want that? Do you want it more than your career? If you eat it, you'll soon be back in that horrible apartment, scratching for a crust of bread after your mother's spent all your money on smack." That was the fear that had motivated me.
"You're off that roundabout now," Lilly said. "Never good enough, never pretty enough, never anything enough." She laughed. "Eat the cake. Enjoy all of life's pleasures, because that's when you become a real person, my dear, not just a pretty trinket."
I nodded, but it was okay for Lilly. She was old anyway. I had a lot of years ahead of me, more than a pep talk could make up for.
Fiona
THE NEXT DAY, LILLY invited me to her room again.
Before I visited, I asked the nurse to get out my suitcase. It'd seemed pointless to bother getting dressed before, but suddenly it seemed like I had a purpose.
"You have such beautiful clothes," the nurse said. "I wouldn't waste in that old suitcase. Do you want me to hang them for you?"
I nodded and picked out an outfit to wear. I did my hair properly rather than just tying it back in a ponytail. I made a real effort, because it seemed rude to visit such a stylish lady looking unkempt. I didn't put on makeup, though. Even though the doctor had said it would be okay now, I never bothered.
The nurse got the wheelchair for me.
"I can walk on my own," I said. "There's nothing wrong with my legs. And I've been doing enough exercise with that physio."
The nurse shrugged. I guessed I could've been walking around the whole time I'd been here, but I'd been so passive about everything.
When I got to Lilly's room, the first thing I spotted was the plate of macaroons sitting on the table, their jewel colors almost glowing.
"Is that allowed?" I asked.
Lilly shrugged. "Of course it's allowed. Who the hell is going to stop me from having a treat?"
One look at her face confirmed that. She was one tough cookie, that was for sure.
"Stop it," she ordered.
"Stop what?" I
asked.
"You're mentally calculating how many calories are in these, aren't you?"
I blushed. She wasn't wrong. I never once looked at food without doing that. I'd been doing it for so long, I wasn't even conscious of it.
"How do you stay so thin, eating like this?" I asked.
"One macaroon won't kill me."
There was far more than one macaroon each on that plate.
"Eat. Enjoy," Lilly said. "And don't for one minute feel guilty."
I picked up a glossy red macaroon, stopping to embrace the raspberry smell before I put it in my mouth. Everything about it filled me with pleasure. Not just the smell, but the color and the texture and the sweet-but-tart taste hitting my tongue.
How had I denied myself for so long? That damn thing seemed to explode in my mouth. I wanted to moan out loud from the sheer pleasure.
That afternoon, we chatted until the nurse came to tell me it was time to leave. We didn't talk about medical things or our issues. We talked about travel and all the wonderful adventures we'd had in this world.
"Come back tomorrow," Lilly said.
When I found out she went swimming, I wanted to go too. I asked the physio woman about it. I seemed to remember she'd mentioned it when I'd first arrived, but I'd brushed her off.
"You'll need modified strokes to protect your left arm," she said. "But we can work on it. It might be worth replacing some of the sessions here with pool sessions."
For the next week, I went to Lilly's room instead of staying on my own in the afternoon. The two of us could talk for hours. She was the first person I'd felt comfortable with since my accident. I'd never even felt that comfortable with Matty.
One day, while I was speaking with her, she put her head to the side and gave me a strange look.
"What?" I asked, smoothing my hair.
"You've started looking at me like a person, not like a victim. I know you tried to hide it, but you always had a trace of pity in your eyes before."
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 83