I wanted to explain, but deep down, I knew she was right. I'd only be justifying myself, and I knew justifications wouldn't cut it with this woman.
"How does he look at you?" she asked.
"Who?" I asked, staring into my teacup. I'd never mentioned Matty to Lilly.
"Your man. The one you're running away from. Don't deny it."
I gulped. I really needed to think about that. How did he look at me? I'd avoided his gaze so often since the accident, not wanting him to look at me when I was like this. And to be honest, I'd been so wrapped up in my own self-pity that I'd never noticed.
"I'm not sure. Maybe I'll never know."
Lilly laughed. "Don't be afraid to find out. Ask him to come here and find out for yourself."
I shook my head. Would Matty come here if I asked him? Maybe he'd decided that life was better without me. I wanted him to feel no obligation toward me.
"You'll only know if you ask," Lilly said. "Then you can either be together or you can get over him forever. He might be a good man, the best man ever, but if he looks at you with pity, you'll never be happy with him."
I left Lilly's room with so much churning in my head. I wanted to think this over. When I got back to my room, I had a message saying that Doctor Roche would see me the next day.
He needed to assess whether I needed further operations or not.
"Ah, Fiona, you look so much better," he said when I went to my appointment. I wasn't so sure.
He kept chatting as he examined me, but I didn't really listen. It was hospital gossip, and that place seemed a whole world away.
Then he asked something that got my attention. "Has your partner been to see you here?"
I shook my head. "Of course not. This move was confidential. You know that."
He took a step back and made some notes. "But still, he could find out, right? It's not impossible."
The way he said it made me jolt. What was going on? The whole reason I'd come here was so he couldn't find me. I didn't want to be found. I'd made that perfectly clear.
"How would he find out? You said I had complete privacy."
He didn't look at me as he kept writing those notes. "It's possible he may have overheard--he brought your suitcase to the hospital while I was talking to a colleague."
What? He'd been talking about me when he knew Matty was there? Dr. Roche had totally betrayed my trust.
"You did that on purpose!"
"I did not. I was just a little overzealous." He said that, but he didn't look at me.
I'd known that Doctor Roche didn't approve of my breaking it off with Matty, but that was none of his damn business. He had no right, no right at all. If I couldn't trust my doctor, I didn't want him treating me.
Anger welled up inside me. I wanted to get away from him and out of this hospital.
"You don't require a second operation, but we should discuss plastic surgery options," he said.
"No. We should discuss me returning home. I can continue my treatment there."
I hadn't considered that option before, but why not? I had nothing to gain from staying here, and I was well enough to travel. I would have to go out into the world with this face, which was the thing I dreaded most, but maybe it was time I put it all on the line.
Doctor Roche told me it'd be a few weeks before I could travel. I nodded. That worked out perfectly. There was something I needed to do before I returned home, and it'd take me a while to work up the courage. It would take more courage than I thought I had, but Lilly had raised a question I needed answered.
Matty had known where I was, but he hadn't contacted me. What did that mean? That he wanted me out of his life, or that he wanted me to have this time for myself?
After my appointment, I went to the nurses' station and asked for my phone back, even if I didn't plan on using it for a while.
Matty
WE'D COME TO THE END of the tour. One last show to play, and it would all be over. After that, I wasn't sure what I'd be doing. The guys all wanted to have a break for a while, then get into the studio to record a new album in a few months' time. I could go home and take a break myself, but home without Fiona was no home at all. Mom and Dad were still touring around Europe, so I could join them. Or I could spend a bit of time traveling on my own, but none of those options felt right. The only thing I had to fill the gap Fiona had left in my life was my music, and without that, I'd have to face the emptiness head-on.
I stood at the side of the stage watching Wreckage play before we went on. Those guys had grown from strength to strength, and Elijah had kept ribbing Damo about how he'd cope when his girlfriend became more famous than he was.
Mostly, I didn't spend much time with the other guys. Not now that they were all paired up--it made my loneliness more pronounced. A few times, I'd been out drinking with Jax from Wreckage and a couple of the other guys. Fartstard, the tour manager, always joined us and made inappropriate jokes all night. I wasn't great company, though. I'd never been one for drowning my sorrows.
Damo moved to stand beside me. "Great crowd tonight. It's going to make going back to normal life seem boring."
I nodded. With the other guys living in the States and me living in Australia, it seemed like a bigger breakup.
Wreckage finished their set, but the audience screamed for an encore. The opener band never did encores, but Damo gave a nod. It wouldn't give us much time to get ready to go on, but what the hell. It was the last night.
Fay's vocals screamed out loud. She had a helluva voice for a tiny girl, a little bit gritty and a little bit country and definitely the type that sent shivers down your spine. As she sang, she moved around that stage as though standing still wasn't even an option.
They finally got offstage and the lot of us went backstage, but we only had a few minutes before we had to get into position. I gulped down some water, checked my hair, then picked up my phone. I didn't normally check it backstage, but some impulse made me pick it up.
When I read the message, I almost dropped the phone again.
"Come on, Matt," Damo said. "No time for mucking around on your phone."
I gave him a little wave, then read the message again. It had to be a joke.
Damo grabbed my arm. A signal it was time to go, no arguments.
"I've got a message," I said. "From Fiona."
He let go of my arm. "Everything's fine?"
"She says she's here. At the show. It's got to be a joke."
My body went clammy just saying those words. I couldn't believe they were true.
"I'll give you a moment," he said, then walked off, leaving me alone.
I couldn't phone her. She'd never hear me, but I sent her a message, still not sure it wasn't someone playing a sick joke on me.
"Go to the sound desk," I typed. "I'll send someone with a pass."
She hadn't said she wanted one, but she'd messaged me, so surely she wanted to see me. I tried to bury the hope growing inside me. If this was a joke, I'd find the person responsible and rip them apart with my bare hands. But who'd send a message like that? It was from her number.
Before heading to the stage, I found Fartstard.
"Fiona's going to be at the sound desk," I told him. "Get her a pass. Make sure you find her."
He saluted and was about to make a smart remark when he saw my expression.
"No worries," he said, and rubbed my arm.
A smart remark would've been preferable to that bit of closeness.
On stage that night, the music flew out of me as though angels inspired my playing. The other guys were on a high because of it being the final night, but I had more than that inspiring me.
She was out there somewhere.
I played for her and no one else. I wasn't even sure how I got through the set.
Being on that stage with thousands of people separating us drove me a little crazy. I played for her, but more than that, I wanted her in my arms.
I hated relying on Fartstard. He was n
o Cupid, that's for sure. If I checked my phone onstage, Damo would kill me. There was not one single reason in this world that he'd forgive that. Not one.
Knowing she was here and missing out on seeing her would destroy me. I kept scanning the crowd, but there was no way I could pick her out amongst all those people. I'd check my phone as soon as we went off. I'd have a bit of time before the encore, maybe ten minutes or so.
Just thinking that made me glance over to the side. My phone was still there with my other stuff. I missed a note on my guitar as my heart missed a beat. Fiona stood in the shadows.
I finished the song with shaking hands and a lump the size of a boulder in my chest. This damn song couldn't end fast enough. We finished, and I rushed to her, barely taking the time to pull my guitar off me.
I had so much I wanted to say, but none of it mattered as I swept her into my arms. Talking could wait. Was this a dream? If it was, I never wanted to wake up. I pressed her body against mine, the joy of feeling her almost unbearable. Her arms winding around my neck, her breath on my skin: all I wanted in this life.
I wasn't sure how long I held her, but Damo grabbed my arm.
"Encore," he said.
"Don't go anywhere," I said to her. "Do not move."
Even with thousands of people screaming, I could only look at Fiona. She was more beautiful than anything I'd ever seen in my life.
Fiona
LILLY HAD TOLD ME TO search Matty's eyes for signs of pity, but I couldn't do that when he held me so tight. If Damo hadn't pulled him back onstage, he might never have let me go.
It had taken every last ounce of my courage to come here, but it was the last show, my last chance. It'd taken all my powers of persuasion to convince the doctors to let me come, too. And I'd paid way too much money for a scalped ticket, but I'd done it.
Then I'd taken the train to get here. A few people had given me strange looks, but I'd ignored them, and they'd quickly turned away. One thing I realized now was that I couldn't live my life in seclusion. I had to be around people, and they'd stare at times. I didn't like it, and I hadn't gotten used to it, but I hadn't let it hold me back, either.
Traveling here, I'd thought about messaging Matt a thousand times. I'd debated if it was right or wrong. I could watch him from the crowd without him even knowing I was there and then leave, returning home knowing I'd seen him one last time.
But once I got to the stadium, I knew I wouldn't be happy with that. Seeing Matty onstage would never be enough for me.
I'd sent the message, unsure he'd get it before he went on. When I got his message back, I'd rushed to the sound desk. Fartstard had met me there with the pass. The way he avoided looking at my face almost made me laugh. The guy was way too awkward, and I guessed he thought he was being sensitive.
Excitement surged through me as I pushed my way through the crowd. Fear, terror, apprehension--the whole mix. My hands were sweating and my stomach lurched, but I went anyway. I had to know.
I flashed the pass at security and walked up to the stage area.
While Matty played, I hid in the shadows. I didn't want anyone to see me, not Polly or Fay or any of the crew. I'd made it this far, but I wasn't ready for their pity and concern.
Then he saw me, and the world seemed to stop. I noticed his hands shaking as he played, even if no one else did.
When the song stopped, I froze. What would he do?
I wanted to explain, but he'd squeezed the words right out of me. When his arms wrapped around me, I knew I was in the right place.
I didn't regret leaving him. I'd needed that time to discover things for myself, and now I could be with him, whole and healing. I might never accept things in the graceful way Lilly did, but I had reached a place where I could accept Matty's love.
He went back on and did the encore. I kept watching, and Fay and Polly joined me, linking their arms with mine. Fay kept patting my arm, too. It was sweet, but a little too much touching for my liking.
"You're back," she said when the band went quiet between songs. "I missed you."
I turned to her and smiled. Shit. That wasn't what I'd wanted to do, showing my face to her. A flicker of pity came over her face, but then she smiled back. I hadn't put on any makeup, and while the scars weren't as red as they'd once been, they were still very visible.
Matty finally finished, and he rushed me to the backstage area.
"What are you doing here? Where have you been? Shit, don't answer, just kiss me."
He swept me into another kiss, a kiss that made everything in the world seem right. I clung to him, wanting to touch every part of his body.
Finally, he pulled away. There was no pity in his eyes when he looked at me. Even with my damaged face, all I saw was longing and hope.
"I love you, Fiona," he said. "You have to know that. That love will never change, even if you do. I'm not sure how to make you understand that, but you have to accept that I'll never stop loving you."
I ran my hands up his chest. "I'm sorry for ever doubting that, Matty. I've been an idiot. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm working on being better."
He leaned toward me, whispering in my ear, "There's no better. You're perfect as you are."
Of course Matty would say that because he was a big sap.
"I'm going home," I told him. "I want to be treated at home, not in some foreign hospital. I want to be close to the people I love."
"We'll go home together," he said, his gaze not leaving my face.
"Hey, you two, enough of the mushy stuff," Fay said. "I know you want to screw each other's brains out, but it's the final night of the tour, and we need to party."
The last thing I wanted was to go out partying. And Fay wasn't wrong: screwing each other's brains out was high on our agenda.
"At least go back to the hotel for a quickie, then come and join us," she said. "Damo's booked out one of the bars at the hotel for us, so it's not like you have to go far. You'll regret it later if you don't. Who knows when all of us will be together again?"
"Well, with half of Wreckage dating half of the Freaks, it's not going to be that long," Matty said.
People swirled around us with all the usual backstage madness.
"Am I the only one still single on this tour?" Fartstard said.
"I'm single," Jax said. "And, no, I'm not hooking up with you. Forget that idea right now."
I laughed and held Matty tighter. No matter what happened, I'd never let go of him. When I got home, I'd send Lilly a long letter thanking her. In the end, I'd needed more than Matty's love to be with him. I'd needed to learn to love myself.
Before I could even collect my thoughts, Matty swept me up in his arms. I held him tight around the neck, worried he'd drop me.
"Fay had the right idea," he said quietly amongst the madness. "Back to the hotel for a quickie."
I couldn't argue with that.
Fiona
MATTY SLOWLY UNDRESSED me, then kissed his way down my body.
"I thought this was supposed to be a quickie," I said.
He laughed. "Not that quick."
"You know it's okay now. I've got the all-clear." Then I squirmed as his kiss hit my belly button.
"Maybe, but I still want to take my time."
I wasn't going to argue with that. He could take all the time he liked.
He moved back to kiss my lips, and I stripped his t-shirt from him. "I've missed this," I said.
"Oh, you haven't missed me, just my body?" he asked. "I didn't know you objectified me like that."
"I've missed it all."
He traced his fingers over the scars on my face, and this time I didn't stop him. I didn't even flinch. I didn't exactly love it, but I loved that he could accept all of me.
"What are we going to do when we get home?" I asked. "I've been thinking about going back to school." I wasn't sure if I could hold a sensible conversation while he was doing that thing on my neck, but I wanted to get things settled.
"That's
a great idea."
"And you're going to continue with the Freaks," I said.
"I am. I tried to deny it, but it's something I need to do."
I worked my fingertips over the muscles of his chest. I'd forgotten how good his body felt. "It is," I said. "You have so many opportunities that you can't hold yourself back for me. Even if we have to be apart, we'll handle that."
He kissed me and interrupted my train of thought. Every bit of passion I'd been holding back until now got released in that kiss. No man would ever be right for me, not in the way Matty was. I held him tighter, as tight as I could. I wanted to meld my body into his. Everything I had, I'd give to him.
Then someone knocked on the door.
"Hurry up! The party's starting," Fay called.
"We'll be there soon," Matty said.
"You'd better be," she answered.
I laughed. "We really should join the party."
Matty kissed me again. The party could wait.
He trailed his fingers down my side, and I shuddered with the anticipation of it all.
"Are you sure you have the all-clear?" he asked.
"Well, I don't have a certificate or anything, but I'm not going to break."
His fingers moved across my belly, and I gasped. It'd been way, way too long. How had I survived this long? My cravings for him turned into something much stronger. My entire body pulsated for him. I bit into his shoulder as his fingers moved lower. He'd better not even think of teasing like he had at the hospital. This need for him was primal.
When his fingers moved inside me, I arched my body. Oh, fuck, I needed him. It took him no time to bring me to the edge. This orgasm had been building for so long. My fingers dug into his shoulders as I reached the edge.
Then I screamed, his fingers doing their magic. The world became nothing more than Matty and me.
"You okay?" he asked.
Of course I was okay. I wrapped my legs around him, drawing him to me.
I screamed out again as he entered me, then bit into his shoulder to quiet myself. My insides buzzed with pleasure. Not just the pleasure of him fucking me, but the pleasure of him loving me.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 84