“A lot of good that does me, asshole. I need some help. All of you guys were supposed to do something, and instead, I’m doing it all on my own—like always.”
“What crawled up your ass? You’re even more of an asshole than usual.”
I sit on the bale of hay, rubbing my fingers across my forehead. I could tell him everything. A part of me wants to, and Sean is the only brother who knows about my angel, but even telling him a sliver of what’s going on will force me to answer too many questions.
Still, my brothers are all I’ve ever had.
They’re family.
They have never turned their backs on me and to be honest, I feel like I’m drowning right now.
“Connor?”
“I found her,” I say before I have a chance to think better of it.
“Found who?”
“Her.”
Sean goes silent for a second and then lets out a breathy laugh. “No shit?”
“She’s here . . . in fucking Sugarloaf, and that’s not even all of it . . .”
I tell him everything. I talk and talk, probably saying more in this one conversation than I’ve said to my brother in the last ten years. He doesn’t say a word as I unload the last few weeks and all the revelations. I even go over details that I don’t want to remember but can’t seem to forget.
I tell him about Ellie, Hadley, the tree, the house, the beating, and how they’re living here.
Once I’m done, I feel like I’ve completed a workout and can’t catch my breath. My heart aches, head pounds, and I’m winded.
“So, it seems you’ve been rather busy, baby brother.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“No, but . . . I’m not really sure I can gather anything more than that.”
A lot of help he is. “Thanks, Sean.”
“Look, you just told me that the girl you spent the last eight years dreaming about, who is apparently some ethereal being who walks on water, is staying with you because she just left an abusive husband. On top of that, you might have a kid with said woman? Give me a fucking second to digest all this.”
I release a heavy breath through my nose and then look up at the ceiling. What a damn mess. “I’m not sure what to do.”
“Do?”
“About Ellie. I can’t get my head straight. I look at her, and my heart races. I think about her, and I fight the urge to find her. It’s ridiculous. Then there’s the fact that all I want is more.”
I’ve tried to deny my growing feelings. Ellie isn’t ready to even think about anything with me. I’ve waited for her for so long that the last thing I want is for it to fall apart because I pushed her too hard. I want her to want me. I don’t want it to be because of her ex.
“Tell me that you haven’t . . .”
“What?”
He hesitates, which is very unlike him. “You didn’t do anything . . . with her . . . like after her attack?”
If he were in front of me, I’d lay his ass out. “If you’re asking if I’ve slept with Ellie again, the answer is no. No, I am not a selfish asshole who would take advantage of a woman who is in the middle of hell.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Simmer the fuck down. I’m saying that this situation is pretty nuts, and I also know what it’s like to feel something, even when it’s wrong.”
Sean has been in love with his best friend for the last twelve years. The problem is, she’s in love with someone else. His only saving grace is that she lives here and he doesn’t have to see her anymore.
“I didn’t say there aren’t feelings.”
“I figured. And then there’s the kid.”
Yeah, then there’s Hadley. “If she’s mine . . .”
“You need to find out.”
I blow out a deep breath and get to my feet. “The chances are that she’s not.”
“Okay, and there’s a chance she is. You said she has the Arrowood eyes, right?”
“Even Syd noticed it,” I tell him.
Sean bursts out laughing. “Sydney . . . like Declan’s Sydney?”
“The same one.”
“How the fuck are you handling all this on your own, Connor? You’re back in Sugarloaf, which is bad enough, but now you’ve got this girl, a possible daughter, and Sydney. Hell, next you’re going to tell me that Devney and her boyfriend are coming for dinner.”
I smirk. “That’s your mess, brother.”
“Yeah, well, I guess we all have shit to deal with, huh?”
“Some more than others.”
I’m not sure how I feel at this point. More than anything, I want to know if Hadley is mine, but there’s a lot of things that could happen once that knowledge is revealed. Right now, I’m not her father. I don’t have to parent her. I get to enjoy spending time with her. Then there are feelings for Ellie that are unexplainable.
I love her.
I know it. I know that it’s also the absolute last thing she needs to hear from me.
She doesn’t need to hear that she is the only woman I want, and I will wait an eternity if that’s what it takes to earn her.
The hell she’s endured might take her that long to get over as well. But if I know Hadley is mine, I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold back.
I’ll want them both to be mine.
“I feel like the bastard knew all this . . .” I admit something that’s been on my mind.
“Dad?”
My father was a bastard, but him putting bullshit stipulations in his will wasn’t like him. Why did he care about us being here? What the hell did any of it matter if we kept it for two years or not? Unless he suspected as well. There’s a reason that he wanted us all to return here, and not just for some sort of nostalgic bullshit.
“Why else did he want us here?”
Sean goes quiet for a second and then snorts. “You know, I wouldn’t doubt it.”
“Declan has unresolved issues with Syd. You love Devney and never grew a pair to tell her. I might have a daughter, and well, who knows what the fuck we’re going to uncover with Jacob.”
“I don’t love Devney.” He tries to sound convincing.
“Sure you don’t.”
“She’s getting married.”
“And she wouldn’t marry that idiot if she thought there was even a chance of having you. We both know it.”
Sean’s voice is low and full of frustration. “We also made a vow.”
We did, but we were kids then. Clearly, shit has changed. “Well, I might have a kid, and if that’s the case, the vow is no longer valid.”
Which is another thing I’m struggling with. My word to my brothers is everything, but I’m willing to endure their wrath if it means I can have her.
Chapter Twenty
Ellie
It’s late and I can’t sleep. I toss and turn in a large and empty bed, my mind going in a million directions. I’m in one of his brother’s old rooms while Connor is on the other side of the wall. The three of us have fallen into a strange routine over the last three weeks.
Each day, I take Hadley back to our house, do something menial, and try to spend a bit more time there than we spent the day before.
Today, she struggled more than usual. She was antsy and kept looking around. A book fell out of my bag, making a loud thwack noise and causing her to run out of the house. I don’t know how we’ll return to living here if she’s this fearful.
Then my thoughts move to how I don’t really seem to be in a rush to move back home either. Connor has been nothing but sweet and thoughtful. He’s always doing little things with Hadley or making sure I’m okay. Then there’s the way he looks at me, heat and want in his eyes that sends currents through my body. Just like the night we met, there’s chemistry that hasn’t ebbed.
I think about how, on the other side of the wall, he’s sleeping. What would it be like to go through his door instead of mine at the end of the day?
It’s a thought I shouldn’t be entertaining at all.
I huff and rise out of bed, tug on an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt and head out to the kitchen. Maybe moving around for a few minutes will help me settle and get some sleep.
I go to the fridge, grab the milk, and pour a glass. I stand there, hands on the counter, wondering how this is my life.
When I turn around, I nearly drop the milk when I see a profile of someone in the darkness standing in the doorway. Fear grips me so tightly I can’t draw breath. I open my mouth to scream, but the voice stops me.
“It’s just me,” Connor says quickly, hands up in the air. “You’re okay.”
“Jesus Christ, I almost had a heart attack.”
* * *
I thought it was Kevin waiting for me, watching me, ready to drag me back to my house and finish what he started.
Maybe Hadley isn’t the only one who is still not okay.
“Sorry, I heard something and came to check.” He steps into the room.
My heart is racing so fast that I clutch the milk jug, trying to catch my breath. “I was thirsty, and I thought I was quiet.”
He moves slowly until he’s standing in front of me and then gently pulls the milk from my clutches. “I hear everything, I blame it on years of being in the military and sleeping in half measures. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I wish I could say he doesn’t scare me, but in so many ways he does. He’s the man I find myself thinking of during the day. The guy my daughter wants to be around. And if I’m truly honest with myself, who I want to be with too.
I have never felt as connected to someone as I do with him. It’s as though the time we spent apart only had us growing closer together.
Which is crazy.
Can two people belong to one another without ever actually being together? Can you love someone without knowing them? I’ve always believed in soul mates, and standing here in front of him, I can’t deny that we’re something . . . more.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I say instead of responding to his declaration.
“Why not?”
Because I was lying in bed, wondering about you and why I can’t seem to leave.
“Just a lot on my mind.”
Mostly him but a lot about Kevin also. I got the court date today, and I’ve been struggling with it. I’m not ready to talk about what happened again. I feel like I finally got to the point where I’m not living it each day, so dragging up all those emotions in front of the court is daunting. Not because I don’t want to see Kevin go to jail for what he did but because I don’t want to have to go back to feeling like I did in the days following his arrest.
“Because we have a date?”
A date? We have a date? My chest tightens and I rack my brain to see when I agreed to that. “We do?”
“For the trial.”
I mentally slap my hand against my head. Of course he meant the damn trial and not us. We’re not dating, we’re . . . avoiding the fact that we have feelings.
I’m a poster child for mental health right now.
“Yeah, I knew what you meant. It’s just late, and I’m tired, but the trial date is good. I mean—that we have one and it’s five months out. I’m ready for there to be a resolution and . . .”
And your lips are so close.
I can feel the heat of your body as you stand so close to me.
Connor’s cologne fills the air around us, and I inhale, letting it fill me up.
“Ellie?”
“Huh?” I keep looking at his lips and committing the way they move when he says my name to memory.
Slowly, my gaze lifts to his. I see the hunger swirling as he watches me. I want him so badly. I don’t know if it’s because we’re standing in the dark, only the silver rays from the moon illuminating the space around us. Maybe it’s the fact that he smells so damn good. Or maybe it’s because I’m lonely when I’m not near him.
“Connor?” His name is a whisper in the wind.
“Yeah?”
My heart is racing as I grapple with what I want to do, each second feeling like years passing until I stop allowing myself to think. I’ve thought so much, and it’s never turned out well for me.
I want to do.
I want to be.
I want to live.
I close the distance between us so fast that he doesn’t have time to react, and I press my lips to his. It doesn’t take but a second for him to respond. His arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me to him. Our lips move together softly, but the passion is so intense that I feel as though I could melt.
My thumb brushes against the stubble on his cheek, reveling in the tiny prickles against my skin. He makes a noise in the back of his throat, and I swallow it as I allow him to deepen the kiss.
While I may have started this kiss, Connor is leading it. His strong arms tighten as he tilts me back slightly, delving deeper into my mouth.
The memories that I’ve clung to have faded so much more than I thought because kissing Connor is nothing like I remember. It’s as if I’ve been living in black-and-white but have just stepped into full color and the vividness of life around me is blinding.
It’s almost as though this isn’t real and I’ll awaken back in my bed in a moment. If this is a dream, I pray I sleep forever.
Slowly, I move my hands from his face down to his neck as his lips trail down my jaw. “God, Ellie,” Connor’s voice is deep and lusty.
“Kiss me.”
He pulls back, his eyes watching me as though he realized who he is and what we’re doing. “Is this a dream?”
I know how he feels. “No, I’m real. We’re real.”
His nose slides against mine, and I preen at the low grumble that comes from his chest. “I don’t want to push you. I can wait. I will wait. I’ll wait forever for you.”
I appreciate that more than he knows. He tilts my head up to where he can watch me a little closer. “I don’t want you to wait to kiss me.”
His eyes close, and slowly, he kisses me. His soft lips touch mine gently, our breaths mingling as neither of us moves. I feel dizzy, breathless. It’s almost as though I’m suspended and desperate for him to tether me to the world.
I start to move toward him, unable to resist, and then I hear the only thing that could stop me.
“Mommy? Are you in here?”
I step back so fast I almost stumble and turn wide eyes to the doorway to the kitchen. “Hi, sweetheart. What’s wrong? Can’t sleep? Need some water?”
“Connor!” She perks up as soon as she realizes he’s in the room as well. “I didn’t know you were here too!”
“Hey, Squirt.”
She looks to him and then to me. “Let’s get you something to drink and then back to bed.” Maybe if I can usher her out of here fast enough, she won’t ask any questions.
“Why are you both in the dark?”
So much for that idea.
Connor laughs and scoops her up. “Because the lights are too bright. Let’s all get back to bed before the sun comes up and we all melt.”
Hadley giggles. “We don’t melt in the sun.”
“We don’t?”
“No!” Her voice is high and filled with amusement. “People don’t melt, Connor.”
“Well, look at that. You taught me something. Now, Mommy can bring you something to drink and I’ll super tuck you in.”
He looks back at me and winks before heading out.
I stand in a daze, my fingers touching my lips remembering the kiss we shared and wishing it were me he was tucking in too.
I’m in so much damn trouble.
Nate’s office is exactly what I pictured it to be, which is to say it’s the opposite of Sydney’s. Hers was white with gray furniture, modern décor, and nothing at all overbearing or lawyer-ly. Hers felt like an inviting and clean place where she wants her clients to be calm and open. Whereas everything about Nate’s screams “look at me!”
His desk takes up a third of the room with bookcases lining the back. He has a large, leather wingback
chair that’s tufted and dark. There is no art, only his diplomas and a few photos of him with the mayor and other people of the county.
“Do you have any questions?” Nate asks as he turns in his chair to face me.
Sydney taps her pen and then looks to Nate. “What are the safety measures being taken for Hadley upon the reading of the verdict.”
He shakes his head, eyes narrowed at her like she’s being ridiculous. “Really, Syd?”
“Don’t Syd me. If he’s found not guilty or if he’s released until sentencing, do you think he’s going to leave them alone?”
The pit that’s been sitting like a rock in my stomach turns over, sending a new wave of anxiety through me. I really wish Connor were with me, but because he’s also a witness, he isn’t allowed to talk to the prosecution at the same time as I am.
Not like we couldn’t plan some coup if we wanted to since we live in the same house, but whatever.
Nate shifts in his seat and then looks down. “I don’t know. I guess we could happen to have a deputy at the school.”
“I would appreciate that,” I say with a soft smile. “I know this is hard on everyone. It’s a small town, we all know each other.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Sydney cuts me off. “I don’t care if I knew him, you, or anything else. What I saw that night, Ellie . . . well, I want to make sure that this never happens to you again.”
My body feels cold, and I move my hands up and down to try to ward off the chill. I never want to go through it again either. The safety and security I’ve started to become accustom to is going to fade unless he’s found guilty.
On top of that, I’ve been told that the time he’s been held can be used toward time served. Kevin doesn’t have any prior arrests and he isn’t considered to be dangerous. The fact that he was held at all still seems to have Nate and Sydney mystified.
“No one can control that, Syd. My biggest worry is the hearing,” I admit.
Nate sits up straight. “What has you worried?”
The easier question to answer would be what am I not worried about. There is nothing easy about this process. I have no idea what to expect. Sure, they’ve gone over scenarios, but that’s not etched in stone. If Kevin is released, there is no way he’ll let this go. I will have ruined his life, so I’ll have to pay.
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