She lifts her shoulders slightly before they fall. “I don’t know. Did you guys talk?”
“I lost it when I found out, and then we . . . I don’t know, it was very tense.”
She shifts a little, and there’s a faint smile on her lips.
“What?”
“You say that you don’t trust him, and I understand that you both have some issues right now, but answer me this—honestly—would you have lost it with Kevin?”
I jerk back because there’s no way in hell I would’ve. “No, he would’ve hit me. I never lost my temper. I don’t think I had emotions.”
When Sydney sits back, there’s a sort of smugness coming from her that I don’t understand. “I got all night . . .”
What the hell is her point?
So what if I got angry with Connor and I never could with . . .
“I was able to be angry,” I say as it hits me.
She grins. “If you didn’t trust him, you never could’ve yelled. You would’ve run or shut down, but you didn’t. I know that you’re angry, and you have every right in the world to be, but ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life trying to find a man even half as wonderful as Connor. You have a chance at a real family with him. He loved Hadley before he knew she was his blood. I don’t know many men like him, Ellie. I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be hurt, but be hurt together and find a way through it.”
“And what if he doesn’t want me back because I left him?”
“Then he isn’t the man I think we both know him to be.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ellie
“Can you watch Hadley until I get back?” I ask already getting to my feet.
“Of course, but where are you going at four in the morning?”
I force a mangled smile and rise to my feet. “I’m going to go see the two people who I need to talk to and hope they’re listening.”
I know that I will never find anyone like him again. He is my once in a lifetime. The problem isn’t whether I love him or not, because I will love him for the rest of my life. It’s finding a way to let it go.
And there’s only one place I can think to go.
Sydney pulls me into her arms. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting, Ellie. No one in this world deserves it less than you. But I want you to know that, while it’s no excuse for Connor to lie to you, those kids had it rough growing up and it screwed with their heads. I also want you to remember that I know how you feel right now, and that, even after eight years, there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t wish I could go back and make Declan mine again.”
And that’s what I worry about. The regret that letting him go will leave a gaping hole in my heart forever.
“I appreciate that.”
She smiles, a look of understanding fills her eyes. “Go, I’ll watch Hadley.”
“Thank you, Syd.”
“Anytime. Go find your answers, and then ask yourself if your life is better or worse without Connor Arrowood? Chances are you already know the answer.”
I lean in and kiss her cheek. “I always wanted a best friend. Thank you for being that.”
I rush out of the house and get in the car. The last few days have been hell. My eyes are puffy, my hair is a mess, and my heart is mangled. I think about the question she asked, and I know the answer. My life is worse.
My world is sad and lonely.
He brought richness, love, and understanding into our life.
Connor showed Hadley and I what tenderness is.
All I want is his arms around me.
At night, I’ve clutched the pillow, wishing I could feel his warmth. I know what it feels like to leave someone and it be the right choice, this isn’t that.
I park the car and walk through the cemetery gates with my legs shaking. I’m tired. I’ve been up all night, my nerves are shot, and I feel broken inside.
And I miss him.
If this is what two days feels like, a lifetime without him will be unbearable.
I lower to kneeling in front of my parents’ headstones and place one hand on each of them. “I found it all out, and I feel worse than before. How could I love the man who knew all along what happened to you? How can I have a life with someone who was there and didn’t tell anyone? Whose father is the person who took you from me?”
I sit back on my heels and wipe away a tear. “I’m so confused, and I have no one. The last few months, I’ve had him, but—” I look up at the sky, wishing I could see her, and take a gulping breath. “But then I think about how he must’ve felt, and it just makes my guilt worse. Am I betraying you and everything I promised? His father is dead, and I can’t make him pay, but you deserved so much more than what you got. You and Daddy shouldn’t be in this cold ground.”
“It should be me,” Connor’s deep voice says from behind me. I freeze, unable to think let alone move. “Your family was whole, and my father broke it. And then I did a bang-up job of hurting you.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask, still not looking back.
“I felt like I should pay my respects and explain myself to them. I’ve come here once a month since I’ve been back.” His voice is getting closer, and my breathing accelerates. “I was going to go when I saw you, but I was worried.”
“I’m not okay,” I tell him the truth.
“I’m not either. I can’t sleep, Ellie. I can’t breathe without you.” I turn to give him some remark, but when I see him, no amount of preparation could’ve prevented my heart from lurching to a stop. His eyes glistening with unshed tears as he drops to his knees in front of me. “I can’t let you go. I can’t watch you walk away without knowing how I feel.” His voice cracks. “I have hated myself for years because of what happened. I thought that, if I remembered, it would kill me, so I pushed it away. I was wrong, and I am so sorry.”
Everything inside me is at war. Seeing him this way, sad, alone, and hurting because of sins committed by his father causes me to want to wrap my arms around him, but I don’t. I intertwine my fingers to stop myself from taking his. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Then tell me you’ll come back to me. I need you, Ellie. I don’t want to live in a world without you, damn it. I’ve done it before, and I don’t want to do it again. I want our family.”
My chest heaves as my crying continues. Everything inside me is a mess. His head falls forward, and I want to tell him to look at me, to launch myself at him and tell him that I won’t leave him, but I am still as a statue.
“I’ve told them the story about it all before. I came the day after I met you and left flowers. I know you don’t believe me, but Ellie, I swear, I didn’t know who you were.”
Now that the initial shock has worn off, I believe him. “I’m not sure that part matters.”
“You know I was just eighteen years old. I wasn’t a man, even though I thought I was. Imagine if it were Hadley, what would she think if her father was threatening to have her thrown in jail. For years, he’d manipulated us into doing whatever he wanted. It wasn’t an easy decision, and then we were older, and we . . . I don’t know, we did what we could to survive and be good people.”
I drop my head toward the ground, eyes closed, wishing I could hear my mother’s voice. She was the kindest person I’d ever known, and I want to think she would forgive the boys. I don’t know about my dad, but she would.
They weren’t driving the car. They didn’t urge their father to drink and drive.
All Connor is searching for is redemption, and he needs my forgiveness just as much as I came to seek my parents’. He and his brothers did what they had to in order to survive, as we all do. Was it right? No. But they were protecting each other.
Suddenly, it’s imperative that I give it to him. He shouldn’t carry around guilt over something that wasn’t his fault or for not telling me sooner. I don’t think he knew who I was when he met me in that bar or when he walked up my driveway that day. If he had, that would be a leve
l of cruelty that he isn’t capable of. I close my eyes and turn to face the first rays of the morning sun as they break over the horizon.
“Did you know that my mother didn’t drink?”
“I don’t know anything about them other than what you’ve told me.”
“My mother was raised by an alcoholic father. I’ve always imagined him to be a lot like how you describe your father.” I turn to him. “She wanted better for me. Even though my dad liked to drink each night, she married a man who doted on her like she was the sun, and everyone thought they were perfect.”
“The way I see you.”
My heart sputters. “I’m far from perfect, and they were too. As much as I’ve tried to idolize them, the truth is that my mother was never taught to use her voice when she thought he was wrong, and he had a tendency to make bad choices.”
I glance back at my father’s grave. He wasn’t a drunk, by any means, but he liked his beer each night. Mom didn’t care as long as it was just one.
“I don’t want you to ever quiet your voice. I want us to talk. We’re going to fight, and I’m going to piss you off. Things will happen, but I love you, and I meant what I said about fixing this. I could’ve lied to you, Ellie. I could’ve pretended that I didn’t know anything about your parents’ death, but I wouldn’t do that. Not only because I love you but also because I don’t want secrets between us. We’ve both been through hell, but when I’m with you, it’s like heaven.”
My eyes mist over, and I nod because I feel the same. “I know you weren’t responsible. I knew that before I ever left your house, but I needed time to process everything, but . . .”
He leans forward, hope in his eyes. “I can wait.”
While I’m sure that’s true, I don’t want that. He was willing to do whatever I needed to be at peace, had risked my walking away just so I knew the truth, and had offered to turn himself in even though it put his brothers at risk. He faced something that he’d been running from for years because he didn’t want me to live another day with my own demons.
I love him.
I love him in a way that defies all logic, and while some may not understand it, I don’t care.
I bring my hand to rest right over his thundering heart. “I can’t.”
“You can’t, what?”
“Wait. I’ve seen monsters, and I’ve lived in nightmares. You aren’t either. While what happened is tragic, it isn’t your fault, and it is unfair of me to ever put that on you. Your father was driving that car, not you or your brothers.” As I say it the sun starts to rise higher above through the clouds. “I can’t imagine what I would have done if my parents were threatening me. I was angry, and more so when I thought all we had was a lie.”
“None of it was a lie.”
“I know that now.”
“When you walked out that door, I thought I would fucking lose it. I wanted to get on my knees and beg you to see what we have.”
I shake my head, bringing my fingers up to his cheek. “I don’t want you to beg. I forgive you, Connor. I forgive all of you, and I think my parents would too.” The sun warms my face and I look up with a smile.
“I hated that I had to hurt you.”
“And that’s why I think it’s so easy to forgive. Because you, Connor Arrowood, are a good man.” I hold his face in my hands. “You are a wonderful father. You’re sweet . . .” I kiss his lips. “You’re generous . . .” I repeat it again. “You’re the only person who has ever made me feel safe.”
His hands glide up my back, holding me tight against his body. He kisses me deeper—but not in a lustful way. In a way that allows me to feel it in my soul. His lips drift away from mine, and then I rest my head on his shoulder, allowing the warmth of the sun and the strength of his embrace to heal me just a little.
“I don’t deserve you.”
I release a deep breath and nestle in closer. “I deserve you. Take me home.”
“I’ll take you anywhere, as long as I’m beside you.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ellie
“It’s just my brothers,” Connor tells me for the one hundred millionth time today.
“It’s not just anything. It’s the day I meet your brothers and they meet their niece and it’s her birthday and . . .”
“And it is all going to be fine. It’s a family barbeque where you are going to meet them and everyone can put their fears to rest.”
Easy for him to say. He isn’t the one who’s about to meet the three most important people in his life.
I’m freaking the hell out.
At least Hadley is over at her friend’s house for a few hours so we could set up and I can, hopefully, get the initial introductions out of the way. Not that it would change anything if she were here, but I feel like the five of us need a little time first.
“What fears do they have?”
“That you really haven’t forgiven them.”
I sigh. “Clearly, I have. I mean, I planned the party and invited them.”
“I know this, you know this, but they’re idiots who also want to alleviate their guilt a bit.”
I guess I get that, but it isn’t making my anxiety any better.
“Well, there are things to be done, and I need to do them.”
I can’t stand here, or I’ll freak out. I head into the living room, straightening up a little more and moving the balloons—again. There really is no place to put them that doesn’t seem strange. I go to the window, fluff the curtains a bit before trying to make them sit perfectly on the floor. I hear him chuckle behind me.
“It’s not funny,” I say with a tinge of hostility in my voice.
He walks up, wrapping his arms around me from behind and swaying gently. “It kind of is.”
“You being charming isn’t going to work.”
“If I had more time, I bet it would.”
I shake my head as I lean it back against his solid chest and exhale.
“Do you have to go see Nate this week?” Connor asks.
“Yup.” Every-freaking-day it seems I have to go in. The court date is coming up, and it’s been non-stop going over details and mock cross-examinations. “I can’t wait for this to be over.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Me too. But it’s almost over and then we can move forward.”
I like that idea. “Yeah, if I don’t have a heart attack after meeting your brothers.”
Connor’s chest vibrates, and before I can turn to chastise him for laughing at me, I see dirt start to kick up on the driveway. Immediately, I jerk out of his arms.
“Ellie, relax, I promise, my brothers are going to love you.”
It isn’t just that, which is a huge part, it’s that they know I know. They are here to talk to me about it, and that’s . . . a lot of pressure. I want them to like me. I want this family to maybe start to repair itself a little.
Connor takes my hand and squeezes it. “I wish it didn’t have to be this nerve-wracking. I mean, I’ve met Declan, but your other brothers are famous. It might have been better had you not told them all how I reacted when you told me.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for that, but I also told them that you have a huge heart and clearly love me. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner they’ll let you in on every fucking secret that I never wanted you to know about me.”
“Like your irrational fear of ducks?”
His brows furrow. “Ducks are weird and have eyes on the sides of their heads. Not to mention, they just stare . . . out of the side.”
That gets me to laugh, and I know it was meant to, but it’s a slight relief.
We walk out onto the porch as three men exit a jeep.
“Well, well, if Duckie hasn’t fixed the place up,” one of the Arrowood brothers says.
Connor ignores him and guides us to where they’re all starting to congregate.
“Jackass, I mean, Jacob, this is Ellie.”
Jacob removes his sunglasses and smiles at me warml
y. “Ellie, I’m very glad to meet you. I want to tell you how sorry we all are.”
Well, that was quick.
“Jacob, geez, give her a second.” Connor slaps his brother’s arm.
“No, I appreciate getting it out of the way now. Thank you,” I say and look away.
Other than the shaved head, Jacob is almost identical to Connor in appearance. I can see why he does so well in Hollywood.
“This is Sean.” Connor motions. Sean looks nothing like Connor, other than the eyes. Sydney wasn’t kidding when she said it was a trait. Still, his hair is a bit longer and a shade or two lighter but he’s no less good-looking.
Sean moves toward me and pulls me into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I wish we were meeting you when apologies weren’t in order, but it really is nice to meet you.”
I hug him back and fight against the new wave of emotions that hit me. These guys are all amazing. How they can come here and welcome me and be so honorable is beyond me.
“I’m honestly happy to meet you,” I say as I rub his back.
He disentangles himself from around me and then Connor looks to his oldest brother. “And you know Declan already.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I was here before. I’m sorry about all of it. You have no idea how glad we are that Connor found you and Hadley.”
And now I can’t stop myself. I burst out in tears, overcome by it all. The anxiety leading up to this was almost too much, but now that the moment is here, I feel like I can breathe.
Connor immediately takes me into his arms. “What the hell did you do, Dec?”
“I don’t know!”
“He always makes the girls cry,” Sean or Jacob says. I can’t tell because my face is buried against Connor’s chest as I let everything go.
“It’s because she realized that he’s the ugly one of us.”
“True story.”
They joke back and forth, and I feel Connor’s chest rumble. “Ellie, baby, why are you crying?”
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