“When he woke the next day, the four of us told him what he’d done. He laughed and called us fools for thinking we could get away with turning him in. It was Sean’s car that caused the accident, after all, and he said someone most likely saw Sean driving the car back to the farm around the time of the accident. We were all known troublemakers, so he threatened to tell everyone it was Sean driving the entire time.”
What a horrific man his father was. “And Sean’s car?”
The one thing that has always eluded me was what happened to the car that ran them off the road. It was the only clue we hoped to find. All we pieced together was it was a red car due to the paint transfer.
He moves toward me and then stops himself. I can see how much pain he’s in, but I need to know. “It’s in one of the storage garages on the property.”
The entire time I’d been searching, it was right next door.
“Did your father know who I was?” I barely get the words out. My heart is pounding, and it actually hurts to breathe.
“I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since the night I left. None of us had. My brothers and I left town and swore we’d never see him again. He was a manipulative piece of shit who broke everything he touched. We made a pact that we would never marry, never have children, and never be like him.”
I don’t really give a shit about his pact. Not when I feel dead inside. My fingers tremble so hard I’m worried they’ll break, but I’ve been beaten down before and I can take a punch. “Answer my question.”
“If I had to guess based on the fact that he managed to force his sons back to the one place they never wanted to step foot in again, then yes, I think he probably knew who you were.”
Unreal. What a horrific man he had to have been to use his kids to cover up a hit and run, only to turn around and be nice to Hadley and me. It’s too much. I hate him for what he’s taken from me, yet again.
“How can this be happening?” I ask aloud.
Connor steps forward again before stopping. “If I could bring him back to life to kill him myself I would. I hate him, Ellie. I would fight him over and over again, but I can’t change any of it. If we hadn’t fought that night, I would’ve never met you, and even if I lose you, God help me, you would still be the best thing in my life.”
I wipe my eyes, wondering one more thing. “That night we met, what did you really fight with your father about—the whole thing?”
He sits on the bed, head falling down as his eyes lift to mine. “I was the only brother still living here, but he found out I was leaving for boot camp in the morning. He threatened me, demanding I stay because my brothers and I were under his thumb. He told me that he had power and the ability to fuck all our lives and that I wouldn’t go to the military if I was arrested. Sean was playing college ball, Jacob just got his first acting gig on a sitcom, and Declan was already on his way with his startup. All of us had something to lose, but he didn’t. He’d already lost it all. There were only two things he cared about: my mother and this farm. I told him if he ever breathed a word about it, I would ruin his business. I’d tell every farmer, supplier, and buyer that he was an abusive drunk who killed two people and blamed his sons. We would ruin him as much as he ruined us. He told me to get out and never come back. So, I left, and I met you . . .”
My stomach plummets, and my head is fuzzy from the onslaught of information. Before I can catch my breath, I start to crumble, and then Connor’s arms are around me. I bury my face against his chest. I cry for my parents, who lost their lives on the side of the road. I cry for the four boys, whose father was so heinous he used his sons to get away with murder. And I cry for myself and everything I’d lost.
For what I am still going to lose when I walk out of this room.
I cry because I’ve never loved another the way I love him and I can’t stay. I let it all out in the comfort of his arms because I’m not strong enough to do it any other way.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie. You have no idea. I hate myself. I wish I could go back in time, but I can’t. Please don’t fucking leave me. I love you and will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Please, say you won’t leave me.”
I wish I didn’t have to. But that is not a promise I can keep. Maybe I could have if they hadn’t left my parents on the side of the road alone, if they had waited for paramedics to show up. If they had, I would have at least had answers.
He has no idea what I went through afterward, the weeks I spent doing nothing but searching for clues. I called every body shop, gas station, and junkyard looking for a red car that had been dropped off with unexplained damage. I called the cops sometimes three times a day, asking them if there were any leads. I was desperate for answers, hoping that I could just . . . know.
That night changed the trajectory of my life, and maybe if I had answers I wouldn’t have been so emotionally broken that I married a man like Kevin.
Chasing that thought is that, had I gotten my answers back then, I never would have met Connor in that bar. Hadley wouldn’t exist.
That is unbearable for me to consider, and I refuse to walk down that path of what-if.
God, I want so desperately to believe that he didn’t know any of this until his brother showed up. I really do. But the trust is gone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever believe him again.
I made that mistake with Kevin each time he told me he would never hit me again, and I won’t blindly follow a man, regardless of the love I have for him. After everything I’ve endured, I’d rather take the loss now than later when I’m in far too deep.
Not that I think I haven’t already hit that place. The love I have for Connor is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Losing him . . . well, that might destroy me.
The sobs continue until my body is empty. I’m hollow and broken. I don’t remember how I got back into the bed. I have no memories of wrapping my limbs around him as though, if I only held on tightly enough, I wouldn’t have to let go, but here I am.
I lean back, waiting for him to tell me this was a bad dream, but the look in his eyes tells me it isn’t.
“I have to go,” I say, my voice raw and hoarse.
“No,” he says quickly.
I lift myself off him, my heart breaking with the loss of his touch.
“You had to know this was going to be the outcome.”
“What do you want me to do? Turn myself in? I’ll do it. I’ll go right now and see Sheriff Mendoza and confess.”
I shake my head, a new wave of tears coming. “I don’t want or need that, Connor. I sure as hell don’t want another one of Hadley’s fathers in jail.”
He takes my face in his hands. “Tell me what I can do.”
That’s the thing, there’s nothing. He didn’t actually drive the car that killed them, none of them did. If he were to go to the sheriff, all it would do is hurt people who have already paid for the sins of their father.
“You can make this as easy as possible for me. You can show me that you love me by allowing me to get off this bed and walk out the door without having this be any harder than it already will be.”
His jaw clenches as if he wants to argue, but then he sits up and moves to the side of the bed. He’s doing exactly what I asked, and yet, it feels like another betrayal. I don’t want to lose him. The idea of walking away is killing me, but I have to get my head straight.
I can’t make the same mistakes.
I slide off the bed, grab my clothes, and head for the bathroom.
Once dressed, I look at myself in the mirror. Who is this woman? It’s been months since I’ve cried. Months of feeling strong, beautiful, and smart. All of that gone in one instant. I think about Hadley and the lessons I’ve fought to teach her.
She is going to be crushed—more so than she ever was about Kevin. She loves Connor. She loves living here and had hopes that will dissipate like mist when I tell her.
Once again, I’ve chosen wrong.
I exit the bathroom and find him leaning aga
inst the wall. Our eyes meet, and I have to look away. He is my weakness, and right now, I need strength.
“Where will you go?” he finally asks, breaking the silence.
“I’ll go to Sydney’s for tonight. Then I don’t know. I guess I’ll look for a place.”
“Stay here.”
“Here?”
He pushes off the wall, coming close but not touching me. “Yes, this is where Hadley is happy and comfortable. You can stay here, and I’ll find somewhere else.”
“You want me to stay in this house?”
“I want you to stay with me, but I’m trying to make this easier and let you go.”
Nothing about this is easy.
“I need some time. I can’t pretend that none of this happened. I want to believe that you didn’t know and that your brother just filled you in, but it’s all very . . .”
“You don’t have to say more. If you need time, I’ll give it to you.”
I want to throw myself at him, beg him to hold me, and refuse to allow any space or time to separate us. But wants are dreams, and I have both feet in reality now.
“Hadley will want to see you.”
A deep sigh comes from his throat as his face pales. “I’ll be here. Anytime . . . for either of you.”
I head to the front door, not caring about clothes or anything because nothing matters. I grab my purse off the front table and pause with my hand on the door.
Just open it, Ellie. Walk away because you know you have to.
But my hand is frozen because I can feel him at my back. “Ellie . . .”
As I close my eyes, another tear falls and a sob lodges in my throat. Nothing has ever hurt so much.
Nothing.
I’d take a thousand more beatings if it meant that I never had to endure this moment.
I push a breath out, straighten my shoulders, and dig for whatever strength I might have to push forward. “Goodbye, Connor.”
And then I walk out the door and make it to my car.
Once I’m halfway down the drive and the house is no longer in view, I put the car in park and cry harder than I’ve ever cried before.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ellie
It’s been two days.
Two days of complete and utter misery. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I manage to be strong when Hadley is around, but even that is half-hearted.
“Mommy, where is Connor?”
The eyes I’m trying to avoid stare back at me. Her lip quivers, and I reach my hand out to stop the trembling. “He’s at his house.”
“Why are we still at Sydney’s?”
Because we don’t have anywhere else to go.
Lying to her goes against everything, but I can’t tell her the truth. “He’s not feeling well, so we’re going to stay here until he is.”
She tilts her head to the side. “Shouldn’t we be there for him?”
My heart feels as though it’s about to rip out of my chest. I want to be there with him, but how can I?
How can I forgive him after all that happened? He lied to me. All this time, I’ve been giving my soul to him, only to have it crushed.
“Not now.”
“When can we go home?” she asks.
I sit up, taking her hands in mine and attempt to smile. She’s been through so much and I feel as though I’ve failed her again. I put my faith, once again, in a man who didn’t deserve it. All these years my life has gone down a path because of the choices his family made.
Now I have to prepare our daughter for the new path. The one where a family we were building falls apart.
“Hadley, Connor and I . . . we’re . . . well, we are taking some time apart.”
“But!” She rips her hands from mine. “I love him.”
“I love him too, but sometimes it’s not that simple.”
Hadley’s head moves side to side in denial. “We have to go back, Mommy! We have to. Connor loves us, and he makes you happy. You don’t cry anymore, and Connor doesn’t hit you!”
There are wounds that aren’t physical. “I know that, honey, but we had a fight and we agreed that we needed to take a break.”
Her eyes widen and then she touches my face with her hand. “He’s my best friend.”
“And he’s your father and will always be a part of your life. I will never take that away from you.”
Tears leak from her eyes, and everything inside me is tightening. Breath by breath, it constricts as I watch my baby grapple with what I’m saying.
Surely, this can’t be how it should feel. When I left Kevin, it was freeing. This doesn’t feel free. It feels like agony.
“Please, Mommy! Please! We have to go back. I have a treehouse, and he doesn’t know what to do with the animals! We have to help him. He needs us and . . . and . . . he never makes us sad. Connor takes us to get pumpkins and apples. Please!”
Please make this stop.
I can’t stop the tears that fall down my face. Watching her fall apart this way is bound to destroy me.
My fingers graze her cheek, wiping the tear that falls. “You will always have Connor, Hadley. Always. I know this is hard for you to understand, but sometimes, we have to walk away from someone we care about, even when they take us for pumpkins and apples. Sometimes, it doesn’t work.”
And sometimes, you want to die in the process.
Her chest rises and falls fast, breaths coming out in loud puffs. “I want to go back to Connor!”
I do too.
“I know, and I’m sorry. You have no idea how much I love you, Hadley, and I would do anything for you, but I can’t give you this.”
“You always forgave Daddy.” Her voice quivers. “I don’t know why you can’t forgive Connor.”
And with that, a sob breaks from her chest as she runs down the hall. When the door slams, I jump and another part of me shatters.
“Ellie, I’m worried,” Sydney says at four in the morning.
I’ve cried non-stop since my talk with Hadley. If it wasn’t hysterical tears where she was holding me, it was a constant stream.
I haven’t been able to recount what happened because it’s too painful, and I’m not one hundred percent sure of what Sydney’s legal responsibilities would be. I have no idea if she has to report it. Hell, she might already know since she and Declan used to date.
Everything is a mess.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Will you? Because I’ve never seen anyone cry this much. What happened?”
I want to talk to someone, but I’m not sure the words will come. “I learned a lot that night. Things that Connor probably hoped I’d never know, and . . . I can’t be with him.”
“Did he hurt you? Because, I swear to God, I’ll kill him.”
“No, not like that. Not . . . physically or anything. It’s just some things about the night we met.”
“Oh,” she says as she rubs my back. “Well, that was eight years ago, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s complicated.”
“I’m sure it is, but you guys have come such a long way. I hate to see you fall apart over something that happened when you were still practically kids.”
If she knew what it was, I’m sure she wouldn’t think that. In the end, the only two people whose opinions would matter aren’t here to give them.
“I’m not sure there’s a way to fix it. Hell, I don’t know how I could overlook it even if I wanted to.”
She shakes her head. “I wish you would tell me so I could help you.”
“The details don’t matter.” Well, they do, but not in regards to her.
“Okay, then tell me without the details.”
I lean back on the couch, clutching the pillow to my chest. “Connor knew what happened to my parents.”
Her eyes widen. Sydney is aware of how my parents died and that their case had gone cold years ago. “He knew?”
“Yes, he did. He claims he didn’t know who I was when we met and that he really didn’t f
igure it out until four days ago, but he knew what happened that night.”
That’s the part that has me the most confused. How could he not put it together? Had I known that his father was involved in a hit and run on the same night my parents died, I would have put it together.
He didn’t.
“And do you believe him?”
“I don’t know.”
Sydney leans back, tucking her legs under her butt. “I’ve known Connor since we were kids, and he’s many things, but deceitful isn’t one. That boy couldn’t lie if a gun was held to his head. We used to have to sneak around to make sure he didn’t see us and tattle. I’m not saying he hasn’t grown up and changed, but he’s also fiercely loyal and protective. Do you think he has it in him to purposely hurt you?”
No . . . at least, I didn’t think so.
“How do you explain it then?”
“I don’t know, Ellie. I really don’t. I’ve dealt with some crazy shit in my job and then volunteering. I like to believe I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I don’t believe he could hurt you. Not ever. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and I swear . . . it’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered before. There’s a fierceness in his love.”
I saw all of that too. He was always on guard, willing to do anything that would make me happy. He was patient at a time when most men probably wouldn’t have been. When he was angry, he never took it out on me or even raised his voice.
The other part of me goes to his loyalty. He was protecting the people he loved, worried that he and his brothers would take the fall for something they didn’t even do. And then I remember all he said about turning himself in. He was willing to take whatever the consequences were if it gave me peace.
I blow out a heavy breath. “Maybe it wasn’t that way. I don’t know. Either way, it doesn’t make it any easier.”
“No, I guess not. And Hadley isn’t taking it well, I guess.”
“No.” I wipe a tear. “Neither of us are. She loves him so much, and God, Syd, I do too. I love him so much, and that’s what’s killing me. How can I get past this? How do we move on from it? It doesn’t seem possible.”
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