How to Grow an Addict

by J. A. Wright

“We’re going to have a great time, and you’ll be amazed by the drawing down of the moon circle dance. At least, I was the first time I did it,” she said.

  “What kind of dance is it?” I asked.

  “The kind where everyone’s happy,” she replied.

  Sissy packed a bag of stuff to take to the Solstice party, including a broom, a bag of salt, and four candles.

  “Here, take your sweatshirt off and put this on,” she said as she handed me a floor-length purple velvet robe that was too small for me and a head wreath of fresh flowers she’d made earlier in the day from an arrangement Aunt Flo had put on the dining room table the night before. Sissy put on a blue and pink robe. It fit her perfectly, and she looked great.

  I felt silly walking down the beach path with a wizard robe on, but it didn’t seem to bother Sissy one bit. And I don’t know what I was expecting to find at the Solstice party, but it sure wasn’t thirty adults, some of whom were naked and covered from head to toe with body paint, dancing around a bonfire and singing a song about coming from the goddess. Another group played the drums and howled. I stood way back from the huge bonfire and stared at them. It seemed to me I was living in a National Geographic magazine, and I felt scared.

  “Let’s go join them,” Sissy said.

  “Do we have to? They look so weird.”

  “Yes, you have to, it’s part of the initiation—so be it!” Sissy yelled as she threw off her robe to display a little bikini made from sea grass. She pulled my robe off and pushed me toward the bonfire. Someone pulled me into the dance circle and I was glad I’d worn jeans and a T-shirt under my robe because I wouldn’t want anyone to see me naked.

  It only took ten or fifteen minutes of moving around the fire with the others before I began to feel okay about dancing with the naked strangers. I danced with them for a long time before a large woman with a large voice yelled out for everyone to stop dancing and give a gift. That’s when everyone in the circle dropped to their knees and put their hands on the ground.

  I did it too but I didn’t know why. “What are we doing, Sissy?” I asked.

  “We’re giving the energy of our circle dance to the Goddess, to Mother Earth,” she said.

  When they finished doing the gift-giving thing most of them stood up and began to hug each other. I stood up too. I was sweaty and out of breath, but Sissy was radiant and kissing people, so I tried my best to imitate her and kissed the people she kissed. But only on the cheeks, until I saw Tyler. I hadn’t noticed him until he was in front of me, putting his mouth on mine. Tyler’s kiss made my legs weak and my insides feel like Jell-O. I thought I should move away, do something to stop it, but I didn’t want to. I felt dizzy so I stepped back until I was away from the fire and away from the others. Tyler followed and he didn’t seem to notice or care that we were suddenly falling to the ground. We rolled onto the ground still kissing, and I didn’t stop kissing first.

  Sissy and I left the Solstice celebration around 2 a.m., and she teased me the entire walk home about the red rash around my mouth, calling it a “passion rash.” When we got home, she squeezed a little juice from the leaf of a big aloe vera plant she kept on the windowsill in her bedroom and smeared it on the rash, telling me it would help it fade.

  For the next few days I tried to do whatever Sissy said and I stayed away from Tyler. But one morning, about a week after the Solstice celebration, Tyler caught me watching him brush his teeth from the hallway. He was getting ready to go into the city with Arnold for a meeting about college, and he looked back at me from his mirror. It was too late for me to pretend I was just walking by, so I froze and stared back at him. He smiled but didn’t turn around, and didn’t say a word until he spit the toothpaste out. As he held his brush under the water tap, he said, “Why are you always looking at me in that weird way?”

  “I don’t know. When I’m not looking at you, I’m thinking about you,” I said.

  “Good, I like that about you. I like a girl who knows what she likes. How about we meet tonight behind the house at eleven o’clock and take a little walk down the beach?”

  “Should I invite Sissy? I asked.

  “Hell no, that’s like inviting the cops. I wouldn’t mention it to her if I were you.”

  I nodded in agreement and went downstairs for breakfast. I was so happy I felt like I was floating. I spent the rest of the day thinking about Tyler and our date that night.

  It took me hours to get ready. I took two showers, painted my toenails, put my new violet eye shadow on, shaved my legs, and sprayed myself from neck to knees with some perfume called No. 19 that I found in Aunt Flo’s room. I also used her sewing machine to make myself a halter top. I created the pattern myself using a picture of a similar top I found in a Cosmo magazine. I had to use a piece of yellow gingham material I found in the laundry room because I didn’t have time to walk down to the fabric store, but it turned out pretty good. I even included darts in it because the magazine article said that was one of the best ways to create the illusion of having a full bust.

  I had to tell Sissy about my plan to meet Tyler because she wouldn’t stop asking me what I was up to.

  “You shouldn’t go anywhere with Tyler until I read your cards,” she said. “They’ll tell you what the real story is.”

  We went to her room and she closed the curtains and lit her altar candles and some incense. Sitting on the floor, she motioned for me to sit cross-legged facing her. She said a Goddess prayer and shuffled the cards. “Here, take them and shuffle them, but only three times,” she said.

  “Why only three?” I asked.

  “I don’t know for sure, but that’s what I was taught,” she replied.

  Sissy took the deck of cards from my hand, divided them into three piles, and told me to choose one.

  The first card was the fool; the second was the ten of swords; the third was the prince of swords; the fourth was the lovers; the fifth was the three of swords. Sissy stopped after the fifth card and said, “The message here is clear. You shouldn’t go. It will be a romantic disaster, ending in despair for you.”

  “I don’t believe it, Sissy. And even if it’s true, I don’t care about having a romantic disaster with the best-looking boy I’ve ever seen.”

  I knew deep down that my night with Tyler was going to be great, and I was going to go no matter what Sissy or the cards said.

  “He’s nothing special. He’s my brother and I love him, but he’s a stoner and a user. Maybe you should wait until school starts and find a boyfriend your age, huh?”

  “He’s only three years, two months, and six days older than me, Sissy,” I said.

  “Oh well, it’s settled then. Blessed be.” Sissy sighed.

  Before I left her room she handed me a feather and anointed me with the special Goddess oil she told me she’d gotten from a head shop in Berkeley. “This might protect you from harm or it might not,” she whispered.

  Tyler was waiting for me at the beach, sitting on a small tree stump smoking a joint. He asked me how old I was and I told him I was fourteen and had been for a couple of weeks. “Cool,” he said as he tried to hand me the joint he’d been puffing on.

  I didn’t take it. “I don’t like the smell and I don’t feel like being stoned,” I said.

  He stood up and took a big puff from the joint. Then he put his arms out like he was going to hug me. He put his hand on the back of my head and held me tight as he kissed me so hard I could feel his teeth on my teeth, all the while blowing pot smoke from his mouth into mine. I tried not to inhale, and I tried harder to push him away, but he was too strong. When he finally let go, I screamed, “Why’d you do that?”

  “Why not?” he replied.

  I thought maybe Sissy was right.

  “I’d better get back to the house,” I said.

  He took another drag of the joint and said, “I kind of knew you were gonna be a cock tease.”

  I don’t know if it was what he said or the way he said it, but I decided I did
n’t want to be a cock tease. I wanted him to like me, to be my boyfriend, so I sat down next to him. This time when he held up the joint and motioned for me to take it from him I took a drag and held the smoke in like he told me to. It burned my throat and made me cough so hard I had to relieve my throat fast. I drank almost all of Tyler’s beer. He laughed at me, and his laughing made me laugh and I couldn’t stop.

  Somehow during our laughing session Tyler got his clothes off and was doing his best to get mine off too. He wanted to go for a swim. It was cold and dark and I felt like I was floating out of my body and needed to lie down, but I didn’t want to come across like a little kid, so I took off my shorts, my new top, and my underwear and folded them nicely before I sat them down next to the beach path and followed him down to the shore. I was grateful it was a cloudy night and that there wasn’t much moonlight because I didn’t feel very good about being naked.

  Tyler ran and dove into a big wave. I followed him but the water was too cold for me and I could only stand in the waves covering my chest with my arms and watching Tyler swim. “Dive in!” he yelled.

  I couldn’t, and I started to wonder what kind of makeout session we could possibly have in the freezing water with waves hitting us hard enough to knock us over. The good feeling I’d gotten from the pot disappeared, and I turned around and headed up to the beach to get my clothes.

  I was about twenty feet from where I’d left my clothes when I noticed a shadow of a person and thought Sissy had come down to the beach to spy on us. I was wrong, it was Arnold, and he was standing in the pathway holding my clothes in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. I could tell by the way he was swaying that he was drunk.

  “Can I have my clothes please?” I asked.

  “Oh, are these yours?” he said, laughing.

  “Give them to me,” I demanded.

  He chuckled before taking a swig of whiskey and moving a couple of steps closer to me. Close enough for me to catch a whiff of his booze breath. I adjusted my right hand and arm to make sure it was covering my boobs and spread the fingers of my left hand over my crotch. “Can I please have my clothes?” I begged.

  I was getting more scared and embarrassed as the minutes passed, so I decided to run and grab my clothes out of his hand. As I got closer to Arnold he put my clothes up to his face and said, “They smell like you—like a little bit of trouble,” and then lifted his hand and my clothes over his head. “Would you like a drink?” he asked.

  “No, and can I have my clothes, please!” I yelled.

  “Girls like you are poison for men like me,” he said.

  I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything, so I closed my eyes and begged him to give me my clothes. When I heard his zipper open, my knees went weak and my heart dropped. “Stop crying, I’m not gonna touch you. I just want to have a look, so move your hands away from your pussy, will ya?” he said.

  Suddenly, and without really wanting to, I heard my own voice yell out, “Okay, okay, but give me the bottle first!”

  I put my hand out to take the bottle of whiskey, which freed up my right hand and gave him the view of my pussy he was after. I drank as much as I could as fast as I could, all the while knowing he was looking at me and moving his hand up and down on his penis. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t make my legs move, and I wasn’t going to open my eyes because I didn’t want to see him looking at me or what he was doing. I took a few more swigs from the bottle before I heard him grunt and say, “Thank you, sweet thing.”

  I asked him for my clothes and he threw them at me, zipped up his pants, and didn’t once avert his eyes while I got dressed.

  Tyler arrived just as I was slipping on my sandals, “What’s going on?” he asked. I think he had a pretty good idea, but then again, maybe he was too stoned to notice. “Nothing,” I said.

  “It doesn’t look like nothing,” Tyler said, and then looked me up and down like he didn’t care about me.

  “I thought you two might want a little drink so I brought a bottle. Not much left, I’m afraid, your girlfriend’s a bit of a lush. How ’bout a little smoke, Tyler? I’ve got some nice bud back at the house,” Arnold said.

  “Sure thing, Gramps.”

  I kept Arnold’s bottle of whiskey and finished it off as I watched the two of them walk off together. I wanted to go home, wanted my mom, wanted to run away, but I was too scared to do anything. I found a big driftwood log in the grassy sand dunes and lay as still as I could, on my back, up against the log, wondering what I should do.

  Later, when I thought they were all asleep, I made my way to the house and let myself in through the kitchen door. I took a big knife from the silverware drawer and went to my room. I shut the door and stuck the knife between the door and the jamb, and went looking for the Sucrets box I’d stashed in the bottom of my bag at the bus station. I took one of the pills and tried my best to fall asleep, but I was too upset to sleep. I couldn’t do much more than stare at the ceiling and think of what type of lie I could tell Aunt Flo so I could go home without her suspecting anything.

  In the morning, I told Aunt Flo and Sissy that Mom had phoned the night before. “They had a good time at the car convention, and Mom wants me to come home to help paint the fence,” I said.

  “I didn’t hear the phone ring,” said Aunt Flo.

  “The cards never lie,” Sissy whispered, just loud enough for me to hear.

  Aunt Flo said if I hurried and got the fence painted she’d drive in to collect me for their big Fourth of July party. She’d invited just about everyone in the neighborhood and was sparing no expense on the party. She’d even booked the same band that played at their wedding. I promised to do my best, but I knew I wasn’t ever coming back.

  I phoned my Mom and told her I was coming home. “Can you pick me up at the bus station?” I asked. “I think it gets in at 3 p.m.”

  “Is something wrong?” she asked.

  “No, I’m just kind of homesick, and I miss Rascal,” I replied.

  “Rascal and I were talking about you last night, and I think she’ll be happy to hear you’re on your way home. Me too,” Mom said.

  Tyler had to drive me to the bus station because Sissy only had a learner’s permit and Aunt Flo had a hair appointment. No one mentioned anything about Arnold driving me, which was a relief. As we pulled out of the driveway, Tyler said, “Hey, about last night. I was going to fuck you but I’m glad I didn’t. Arnold says you’re nothing but trouble.”

  “No, I’m not. I would’ve let you if you’d asked,” I said.

  “Is that right? How about now then?” he said.

  “Now? Sure, okay. Where would we do it?” I replied before I had a chance to think about what I was agreeing to.

  “I know a place, a dead-end road no one else knows about. But are you sure? You’re not gonna chicken out, are ya? You’re not gonna scream rape or do something stupid like tell me to pull out? It’s not a trick, right?” he said.

  “No, no trick,” I said.

  I felt sick to my stomach right away and wanted to back out of having sex with Tyler, but I felt obligated to go through with it. I wished I’d just kept my mouth shut.

  We parked at the end of the dead-end road and got our pants off. I really didn’t like the way he kissed me. And the sex hurt so much I couldn’t help but cry. When Tyler finally stopped moving his body into mine I thought he’d get off me, but he didn’t move or do anything for the longest time, and I didn’t say anything— even though he was heavy and I felt squashed—because I thought it might be part of the sex thing. Like when dogs got stuck together. So I just breathed lighter and tried not to cry too hard.

  I was just about to start wiggling out from underneath him when he lifted himself up on his hands, kissed me, and then picked up my hand and put it on his wiener, which felt hard and rubbery. He put his hand over mine and moved our hands up and down for a little while until his body got rigid and his wiener got really stiff and then he moaned and rolled off onto his side. I
watched as he wiped snot from his upper lip and wondered if it was his snot or mine. He helped me put my underwear back on, and then put his wiener back in his underwear and pulled his jeans up. I didn’t know what to do about the goo on my leg and noticed some of it had gotten on my shorts as well. I just did my best to pretend it wasn’t there.

  When we finally got back on the road, Tyler slipped off one of his shoes and his sock, handed me the sock, and told me to use it. I just held it in my hand because I didn’t want to wipe myself while he was watching, and I especially didn’t want to have to hand a gooey sock back to him or to mention anything about the sex. So I didn’t do or say anything and neither did he. I think we both knew we’d done something we weren’t supposed to. I stared out the window and prayed we’d get to the bus station before I started crying again. When he pulled the car into the station parking lot, I reached into my bag and took out the song lyrics I’d been working on. I handed him the piece of paper and he looked at it, and read it quietly out loud:

  “Shot off your big mouth, some pretty mean stuff.

  She’s walking away, just had enough.

  Been too many times that you’ve been unkind.

  If you think she’s staying—boy, you’re blind.

  It may not get better; probably get worse.

  You’ll be alone with your old friend remorse.

  You get what you gave and since you can’t behave.

  Don’t wait for her call or plead for a hug.

  Best to forget, but you can still bet.

  You’ll sleep lonely with your new friend regret.”

  He smiled at me. “Hey, I really like that. Did you write it?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I wrote them for your song,” I replied.

  I was doing my best to get the passenger door open before he said anything else, but it wouldn’t open. When he reached across me to unlatch my door I thought he was going to kiss me so I pulled back. But he just said, “It gets stuck sometimes,” and pushed the door open with one hit. I jumped out, took my travel bag from the backseat, and walked away.