by Edward Albee
SARAH
Well?
LESLIE
Well … they don’t look very … formidable—in the sense of prepossessing. Not young. They’ve got their teeth bared, but they don’t look as though they’re going to bite. Their hide is funny—feels soft.
SARAH
How do they smell?
LESLIE
Strange.
SARAH
Well, I should suppose so.
LESLIE (Not too sure)
I guess it’s safe.
SARAH
Are you sure?
LESLIE (Laughs a little)
No; of course not.
(Scratches his head)
NANCY (Sotto voce)
What are they doing?
CHARLIE
It poked me; one of them poked me; I thought it was all over.
NANCY (Not to be left out)
Well, it poked me, too.
CHARLIE
It sniffed at me.
NANCY
Yes. Keep where you are, Charlie; don’t move. It sniffed at me, too.
CHARLIE
Did you smell it?
NANCY
Yes; fishy. And beautiful!
CHARLIE
Terrifying!
NANCY (Agreeing)
Yes; beautiful.
LESLIE
Well, I suppose I’d better go over and …
(Sort of shrugs)
SARAH (Immediately)
I’ll come with you.
LESLIE
No; you stay here.
SARAH (Determined)
I said I’ll come with you.
LESLIE (Weary)
Yes, Sarah.
SARAH
There’s no telling what kind of trouble you’ll get yourself into.
LESLIE
Yes, Sarah.
SARAH
If you’re going to take that attitude, we might as well …
LESLIE (Rather abrupt)
All right, Sarah!
SARAH (Feminine, submissive)
All right, Leslie.
CHARLIE
What’s happening?
NANCY
I think they’re having a discussion.
LESLIE
Are you ready?
SARAH (Sweet)
Yes, dear.
LESLIE
All right?
(SARAH nods)
All right.
(They slowly advance toward CHARLIE and NANCY)
CHARLIE
Here they come!
NANCY
We’re making history, Charlie!
CHARLIE (Snorts; fear and trembling)
The sound of one hand clapping, hunh?
(LESLIE and SARAH are before them. LESLIE raises paw to strike CHARLIE)
SARAH
Don’t hurt them.
(LESLIE gives SARAH a disapproving look, pokes CHARLIE)
CHARLIE
OW!
NANCY (Chiding)
Charlie! Please!
CHARLIE
It poked me!
LESLIE
(To CHARLIE and NANCY; clears his throat)
Pardon me.
CHARLIE (To NANCY)
What am I supposed to do if it pokes me?
LESLIE (Louder)
Pardon me.
NANCY (Indicating LESLIE)
Speak to it, Charlie; answer it.
CHARLIE
Hm?
NANCY
Speak to it, Charlie!
CHARLIE
“Don’t just lie there,” you mean?
NANCY
I guess.
(Sits up and waves at SARAH, tentatively)
Hello.
SARAH (To NANCY)
Hello.
(To LESLIE)
It said hello. Did you hear it?
LESLIE
(His attention still on CHARLIE)
Um-hum.
NANCY
Go on, Charlie.
SARAH
Speak to the other one.
LESLIE
I’ve spoken to it twice; maybe it’s deaf.
NANCY
Go on.
CHARLIE
No; then I’d have to accept it.
SARAH
Maybe it’s shy—or frightened. Try once again.
LESLIE (Sighs)
All right.
(Prods CHARLIE; says, rather too loudly and distinctly)
Pardon me!
NANCY (Stage whisper)
Go on, Charlie.
CHARLIE (Pause; then, very direct)
Hello.
(Turns to NANCY)
All right?
(Back to LESLIE)
Hello!
(Brief silence)
SARAH
(Overlapping with NANCY’s following)
There! You see, Leslie, everything’s going to be …
NANCY
Good for you, Charlie! Now, that wasn’t so …
(A raised paw and a growl from LESLIE silences them both in mid-sentence)
LESLIE
(Moves a step toward CHARLIE, eyes him)
Are you unfriendly?
(SARAH and NANCY look to CHARLIE. CHARLIE lowers his legs and comes up on one elbow)
CHARLIE
Well …
NANCY
Tell him, Charlie!
CHARLIE
(To NANCY, through clenched teeth)
I’m thinking of what to say.
(To LESLIE)
Unfriendly? Well, no, not by nature. I’m certainly on my guard, though.
LESLIE
Yes, well, so are we.
SARAH
Indeed we are!
CHARLIE
I mean, if you’re going to kill us and eat us … then we’re unfriendly: we’ll … resist.
LESLIE
(Looks to SARAH for confirmation)
Well, I certainly don’t think we were planning to do that. Were we?
SARAH (None too sure)
Well … no; at least, I don’t think so.
NANCY
Of course you weren’t! The very idea! Charlie, let’s introduce ourselves.
LESLIE
After all, you’re rather large … and quite unusual.
(Afterthought)
Were you thinking of eating us?
NANCY (Almost laughs)
Good heavens, no!
SARAH
Well, we don’t know your habits.
NANCY
I’m Nancy, and this is Charlie.
CHARLIE
How do. We don’t know your habits, either. It’d be perfectly normal to assume you ate whatever … you ran into … you know, whatever you ran into.
LESLIE (Cool)
No; I don’t know.
SARAH (To NANCY)
I’m Sarah.
NANCY
Hello, Sarah.
CHARLIE
(Somewhat on the defensive)
It’s perfectly simple: we don’t eat … we’re not cannibals.
LESLIE
What is this?
CHARLIE
Hm? We do eat other flesh … you know, cow, and pigs, and chickens, and all …
LESLIE (To SARAH, very confused)
What are they?
(SARAH shrugs)
CHARLIE
I guess you could put it down as a rule that we don’t eat anything that … well, anything that talks; you know, English, and …
NANCY (To CHARLIE)
Parrots talk; some people eat parrots.
CHARLIE
Parrots don’t talk; parrots imitate. Who eats parrots?
NANCY
In the Amazon; I’m sure people eat parrots there; they’re very poor, and …
LESLIE
What are you saying?!
CHARLIE (Frustrated)
I’m trying to tell you … we don’t eat our own kind.
SARAH
(After a brief pause;
flat)
Oh.
LESLIE (Rather offended)
Well, we don’t eat our own kind, either. Most of us. Some.
NANCY (Cheerful)
Well. You see?
LESLIE (Dubious)
Well …
(To make the point)
You see … you’re not our kind, so you can understand the apprehension.
NANCY
Besides, we cook everything.
SARAH
Pardon?
NANCY
We cook everything. Well, most things; you know … no, you don’t, do you?
SARAH
This is Leslie.
NANCY (Extending her hand)
How do you do, Leslie?
LESLIE (Regards her gesture)
What is that?
NANCY
Oh; we … well, we shake hands … flippers, uh … Charlie?
CHARLIE
When we meet we … take each other’s hands, or whatever, and we … touch.
SARAH (Pleased)
Oh, that’s nice.
LESLIE (Not convinced)
What for?
SARAH (Chiding)
Oh, Leslie!
LESLIE (To SARAH, a bit piqued)
I want to know what for.
CHARLIE
Well, it used to be, since most people are right-handed, it used to be to prove nobody had a weapon, to prove they were friendly.
LESLIE (After a bit)
We’re ambidextrous.
CHARLIE (Rather miffed)
Well, that’s nice for you. Very nice.
NANCY
And some people used to hold on to their sex parts, didn’t you tell me that, Charlie? That in olden times people used to hold on to their sex parts when they said hello … their own?
CHARLIE
I don’t think I told you quite that. Each other’s, maybe.
NANCY
Well, no matter.
(To LESLIE)
Let’s greet each other properly, all right?
(Extends her hand again)
I give you my hand, and you give me your … what is that? What is that called?
LESLIE
What?
NANCY
(Indicating LESLIE’s right arm)
That there.
LESLIE
It’s called a leg, of course.
NANCY
Oh. Well, we call this an arm.
LESLIE
You have four arms, I see.
CHARLIE
No; she has two arms.
(Tiny pause)
And two legs.
SARAH
(Moves closer to examine NANCY with LESLIE)
And which are the legs?
NANCY
These here. And these are the arms.
LESLIE (A little on his guard)
Why do you differentiate?
NANCY
Why do we differentiate, Charlie?
CHARLIE (Quietly hysterical)
Because they’re the ones with the hands on the ends of them.
NANCY (To LESLIE)
Yes.
SARAH
(As LESLIE glances suspiciously at CHARLIE)
Go on, Leslie; do what Nancy wants you to.
(To NANCY)
What is it called?
NANCY
Shaking hands.
CHARLIE
Or legs.
LESLIE (Glowers at CHARLIE)
Quiet.
CHARLIE (Quickly)
Yes, sir.
LESLIE (To NANCY)
Now; what is it you want to do?
NANCY
Well …
(A glance at CHARLIE, both reassuring and imploring)
… you give me your … that leg there, that one, and I’ll give you my … leg, or arm, or whatever, and we’ll come together by our fingers … these are your fingers …
LESLIE
Toes.
NANCY
Oh, all right; toes.
(Shakes hands with LESLIE)
And we come together like this, and we do this.
(They continue a slow, broad handshake)
LESLIE
Yes?
NANCY
And now we let go.
(They do)
There! You see?
LESLIE
(Somewhat puzzled about it)
Well, that’s certainly an unusual thing to want to do.
SARAH
Let me! I want to!
(SARAH shakes hands with NANCY, seems happy about doing it)
Oh, my; that’s very interesting.
(To LESLIE)
Why haven’t we ever done anything like that?
LESLIE (Shrugs)
Damned if I know.
SARAH
(To LESLIE, referring to CHARLIE)
You do it with him, now.
(CHARLIE smiles tentatively, holds his hand out a little; LESLIE moves over to him)
LESLIE
Are you sure you’re friendly?
CHARLIE (Nervous, but serious)
I told you: you’ll never meet a more peaceful man. Though of course if I thought you were going to go at me, or Nancy here, I’d probably defend myself … I mean, I would.
LESLIE
The danger, as I see it, is if one of us panics.
(CHARLIE gives a hollow laugh)
I think I’d like to know what frightens you.
(CHARLIE laughs again)
Please?
NANCY (Nicely)
Tell him, Charlie.
SARAH
Please?
CHARLIE
(A pause, while the nature of his questioner sinks in)
What frightens me? Oh … deep space? Mortality? Nancy … not being with me?
(Chuckles ruefully)
Great … green … creatures coming up from the sea.
LESLIE
Well, that’s it, you see: what we don’t know. Great green creatures, and all, indeed! You’re pretty odd yourselves, though you’ve probably never looked at it that way.
CHARLIE
Probably not.
LESLIE
You’re not the sort of thing we run into every day.
CHARLIE
Well, no …
LESLIE (Points at CHARLIE)
What’s all that?
CHARLIE (Looks at himself)
What?
LESLIE
(Touches CHARLIE’s shirt; says it with some distaste)
All that.
CHARLIE
This? My shirt.
(“Naturally” implicit)
LESLIE
What is it?
NANCY
Clothes; they’re called clothes; we put them on; we … well, we cover our skins with them.
LESLIE
What for?
NANCY
Well … to keep warm; to look pretty; to be decent.
LESLIE
What is that?
NANCY
Which?
LESLIE
Decent.
NANCY
Oh. Well … uh, not to expose our sexual parts. My breasts, for example.
(Touches them)
CHARLIE
Say “mammaries.”
NANCY
What?
SARAH (Fascinated)
What are they?
NANCY
Well, they … no, you don’t seem to have them, do you? They’re … secondary sex organs.
(Realizes it’s hopeless as she says it)
No? well …
(Beckons SARAH, begins to unbutton her blouse)
Come here, Sarah.
CHARLIE
Nancy!
NANCY
It’s all right, Charlie. Come look, Sarah.
SARAH
(Puts one paw on NANCY’s blouse, peers in)
My gracious! Leslie, come see!
CHARLIE
Now just a minute!<
br />
NANCY (Laughs)
Charlie! Don’t be silly!
LESLIE (To CHARLIE; ingenuous)
What’s the matter?
CHARLIE
I don’t want you looking at my wife’s breasts, that’s all.
LESLIE
I don’t even know what they are.
NANCY (Buoyant)
Of course not! Are you jealous, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Of course not! How could I be jealous of …
(Indicates LESLIE with some distaste)
… how could I be?
NANCY (Agreeing with him)
No.
CHARLIE (Reassuring himself)
I’m not.
SARAH (No overtones)
I think Leslie should see them.
NANCY
Yes.
LESLIE (To CHARLIE; shrugs)
It’s up to you; I mean, if they’re something you hide, then maybe they’re embarrassing, or sad, and I shouldn’t want to see them, and …
CHARLIE (More flustered than angry)
They’re not embarrassing; or sad; They’re lovely! Some women … some women Nancy’s age, they’re … some women …
(To NANCY, almost spontaneously bursting into tears)
I love your breasts.
NANCY (Gentle)
Yes; yes. Thank you.
(More expansive)
I’m not an exhibitionist, dear, as you very well know …
CHARLIE
… except that time you answered the door stark naked …
NANCY (An old story)
We’ll not discuss that now.
(To LESLIE and SARAH)
It was nothing.
CHARLIE (By rote)
So she says.
NANCY (To the others)
It was nothing. Really.
(To CHARLIE)
What I was trying to say, Charlie, was—and prefacing it with that I’m not an exhibitionist, as you very well know—that if someone …
CHARLIE (To NANCY)
Stark naked.
NANCY
… has not … has gone through life and not seen a woman’s breasts … why, it’s like Sarah never having seen … the sky. Think of the wonder of that, and think of the wonder of the other.
CHARLIE (Rather hurt)
One of the wonders, hunh?
NANCY
I didn’t mean it that way!
(Shakes her head; buttons up)
Well … no matter.
LESLIE (Shrugs)
It’s up to you.
SARAH
They’re really very interesting, Leslie; I’m sorry you didn’t see them.
LESLIE
Well, another time, maybe.
SARAH (Delighted and excited)
I suddenly remember something! Leslie, do you remember when we went way north, and it was very cold, and the scenery changed, and we came to the edge of a deep ravine, and all at once we heard those strange and terrible sounds …
LESLIE
(Disturbed at the memory)
Yes; I remember.
SARAH
Oh, it was a frightening set of sounds, echoing … all around us; and then we saw them … swimming by.
LESLIE
Enormous …
SARAH
Huge! Huge creatures; ten of them, maybe more. I’d never seen the size. They were of great girth.
CHARLIE
They were whales; I’m sure they were whales.