by Edward Albee
CHARLIE
Sure! And if you think they’d have us put away for all that other—for living on the beach …
NANCY (Nodding along)
… “from beach to beach, seaside nomads …”
CHARLIE
… yes, then what do you think they’d say about this!
(Mimics her)
“Charlie and I were sitting around, you see, when all at once, lo and behold, these two great green lizards …” How do you think they’d take to that?! Put it in one of your postcards, Nancy, and mail it out.
NANCY
Ohhhhh, Charlie! You give me the pip, you know that?
SARAH (Calling to LESLIE)
Leslie, Leslie.
LESLIE
(LESLIE cautiously starts down the dune)
Are you all right?
SARAH
Oh, Leslie, I’ve had an absolutely fascinating time. Leslie …
(Points to the sky)
… up there.
LESLIE
What are they?
SARAH (Bubbling with it)
They’re called birds, and they don’t swim, they fly, and they stay up by something called aerodynamics …
LESLIE
What is that?
SARAH (Rushing on)
I’m sure I don’t know, and I said they looked like rays, and they said they knew rays through something called photographs, though they wouldn’t tell me what that was, and Charlie gives Nancy the pip.
LESLIE
There, I was right! You can’t trust somebody like that! How can you trust somebody like that? You can’t trust somebody like that!
NANCY
(With a desperate attempt to save the situation)
Well, what does it matter? We’re all dead.
SARAH
Dead? Who’s dead?
NANCY
We are.
SARAH (Disbelief)
No.
NANCY
According to Charlie here.
CHARLIE (Without humor)
It’s not to be joked about.
SARAH
All of us?
NANCY (Chuckles)
Well, I’m not certain about that; he and I, apparently. It all has to do with liver paste. The fatal sandwich.
CHARLIE
Explain it right! Leave it alone if you’re not going to give it the dignity it deserves.
NANCY
(To LESLIE and SARAH; a trifle patronizing)
I mean, we have to be dead, because Charlie has decided that the wonders do not occur; that what we have not known does not exist; that what we cannot fathom cannot be; that the miracles, if you will, are bedtime stories; he has taken the leap of faith, from agnostic to atheist; the world is flat; the sun and the planets revolve about it, and don’t row out too far or you’ll fall off.
CHARLIE (Sad; embarrassed)
I couldn’t live with you again; I’m glad it doesn’t matter.
NANCY (To CHARLIE; nicely)
Oh, Charlie.
LESLIE
(To CHARLIE, not believing any of it)
When did you die?
CHARLIE
Pardon?
SARAH (To NANCY; whispering)
He’s not dead.
NANCY (To SARAH)
I know.
LESLIE
Did we frighten you to death, or was it before we met you?
CHARLIE
Oh, before we met you; after lunch.
LESLIE
Then I take it we don’t exist.
CHARLIE (Apologetic)
Probably not; I’m sorry.
LESLIE (To NANCY)
That’s quite a mind he’s got there.
NANCY
(Grudgingly defending CHARLIE)
Well … he thinks things through.
(Very cheerful)
As for me, I couldn’t care less: I’m having far too interesting a time.
SARAH
Oh, I’m so glad!
LESLIE (Puzzled)
I think I exist.
CHARLIE (Shrugs)
Well, that’s all that matters; it’s the same thing.
NANCY
(To SARAH; considerable enthusiasm)
Oh, a voice from the dead.
LESLIE (To CHARLIE)
You mean it’s all an illusion?
CHARLIE
Could be.
LESLIE
The whole thing? Existence?
CHARLIE
Um-hum!
LESLIE
(Sitting down with CHARLIE)
I don’t believe that at all.
CHARLIE
Well, it isn’t my theory.
LESLIE
Whose theory is it, then?
CHARLIE (Angry)
What?!
LESLIE
Whose theory is it? Don’t you yell at me.
CHARLIE
I am not yelling at you!
LESLIE
Yes, you are! You did!
CHARLIE
Well, then, I’m sorry.
LESLIE
Whose theory is it?
CHARLIE (Weary)
Descartes.
LESLIE (Annoyed)
What is that?
CHARLIE
What?
LESLIE
What you said.
CHARLIE
(Barely in control)
DESCARTES!! DESCARTES!! I THINK: THEREFORE I AM!!
(Pause)
COGITO! ERGO! SUM! I THINK: THEREFORE I AM!!
(Pause. Pleading)
Now you’re going to ask me what think means.
NANCY
(Comforting, moving to him, genuine)
No, he’s not; he wouldn’t do that.
CHARLIE
I haven’t got it in me.
NANCY
It’s all right.
LESLIE (To SARAH)
I know what think means.
SARAH
Of course you do!
LESLIE (Agreeing)
Well!
CHARLIE
I couldn’t take it.
NANCY
It’s not going to happen.
CHARLIE
It’s more than I could … Death is release, if you’ve lived all right, and I have.
(NANCY hugs him, but he goes on)
As well as most, easily; when it comes time, and I put down my fork on the plate, line it up with the knife, take a last sip of wine, or water, touch my lips and fold the napkin, push back the chair …
NANCY
(Shakes him by the shoulders, looks him in the eye)
Charlie!
(Kisses him on the mouth, her tongue entering, for quite a little; he is passive, then slowly responds, taking comfort, and sharing; they come apart, finally; he shrugs, chuckles timidly, smiles, chucks her under the chin)
CHARLIE (Shy)
Well.
NANCY
It is all right; and you’re alive. It’s all right and, if it isn’t … well, it will just have to do. No matter what.
CHARLIE (Irony)
This will have to do.
NANCY
Yes, this will have to do.
SARAH
Is he all right?
NANCY
Well … he’s been through life, you see and … yes, I suppose he’s all right.
(The sound of the jet plane again from stage left to stage right, growing, becoming deafeningly loud, diminishing.
CHARLIE and NANCY follow its course; LESLIE and SARAH are terrified; they rush half out of sight over the dune)
NANCY
(In the silence following the plane)
Such noise they make.
CHARLIE
They’ll crash into the dunes one day; I don’t know what good they do.
NANCY
(Seeing LESLIE and SARAH, pointing to them)
Oh, Charlie! Look! Look at them!
CHARLIE
Hm? Wha
t?
(Sees them)
Oh!
NANCY
Oh, Charlie; they’re frightened. They’re so frightened!
CHARLIE (Awe)
They are.
LESLIE
(From where he is; calling)
What was that?!
NANCY (Calling; a light tone)
It was an aeroplane.
LESLIE
Well, what is it?!
CHARLIE
It’s a machine that … it’s a method of …
LESLIE
What?
CHARLIE (Shouting)
It’s a machine that … it’s a method of …
(LESLIE and SARAH begin to move back, paw in paw, glancing back at the plane as they move)
It’s a … it’s like a bird, except that we make them—we put them together, and we get inside them, and that’s how we fly … sort of.
SARAH (Some awe)
It’s terrifying!
NANCY
Well, you get used to it.
LESLIE
(To CHARLIE; to get it straight)
You … fly.
CHARLIE
Yes. Well, some do. I have. Yes! I fly. We do all sorts of things up here.
LESLIE
I’ll bet you do.
CHARLIE
Sure; give us a machine and there isn’t anywhere we won’t go. Why, we even have a machine that will … go down there; under water.
LESLIE (Brow furrowed)
Then … you’ve been—what do you call it: under water?
CHARLIE
Well, not in one of the machines, no. And nowhere near as deep as …
NANCY
Charlie used to go under—near the shore, of course; not very deep.
CHARLIE
Oh, God … years ago.
NANCY
Yes, and Charlie has missed it. He was telling me how much he used to love to go down under, settle on the bottom, wait for the fish to come …
CHARLIE
(Embarrassed; indicating LESLIE and SARAH)
It was a long time ago.
(To NANCY)
Nancy, not now! Please!
LESLIE (Very interested)
Really.
CHARLIE
It didn’t amount to much.
NANCY
Oh, it did; it did amount, and to a great deal.
CHARLIE
(Embarrassed and angry)
Lay off, Nancy!
NANCY
(Turns on CHARLIE, impatient and angry)
It used to make you happy, and you used to be proud of what made you happy!
CHARLIE
LEAVE OFF!!
(Subsides)
Just … leave off.
(A silence. Now, to LESLIE and SARAH; quietly)
It was just a game; it was enough for a twelve-year-old, maybe, but it wasn’t … finding out, you know; it wasn’t real. It wasn’t enough for a memory.
(Pause; shakes his head)
CHARLIE
(Barely controlled rage; to LESLIE)
Why did you come up here in the first place?
LESLIE (Too matter-of-fact)
I don’t know.
CHARLIE (Thunder)
COME! ON!
LESLIE
I don’t know!
(To SARAH; too offhand)
Do I know?
SARAH (Yes and no)
Well …
LESLIE (Final)
No, I don’t know.
SARAH
We had a sense of not belonging any more.
LESLIE
Don’t, Sarah.
SARAH
I should, Leslie. It was a growing thing, nothing abrupt, nor that anything was different, for that matter.
LESLIE (Helpless)
Don’t go on, Sarah.
SARAH
… in the sense of having changed; but … we had changed …
(Looks about her)
… all of a sudden, everything … down there … was terribly … interesting, I suppose; but what did it have to do with us any more?
LESLIE
Don’t, Sarah.
SARAH
And it wasn’t … comfortable any more. I mean, after all, you make your nest, and accept a whole … array … of things … and … we didn’t feel we belonged there any more. And … what were we going to do?!
CHARLIE (After a little; shy)
And that’s why you came up.
LESLIE (Nods, glumly)
We talked about it.
SARAH
Yes. We did, for a long time. Considered the pros and the cons. Making do down there or trying something else. But what?
CHARLIE
And so you came up.
LESLIE
Is that what we did? Is that what we were doing? I don’t know.
CHARLIE
(He has hardly been listening; speaks to himself more than to anyone else)
All that time; the eons.
LESLIE
Hm?
NANCY
What was that, Charlie?
CHARLIE
The eons. How long is an eon?
NANCY (Encouraging him)
A very long time.
CHARLIE
A hundred million years? Ten times that? Well, a distance certainly. What do they call it … the primordial soup? the glop? That heartbreaking second when it all got together, the sugars and the acids and the ultraviolets, and the next thing you knew there were tangerines and string quartets.
LESLIE
What are they?
CHARLIE
(Smiles, a little sadly, shrugs)
It doesn’t matter. But somewhere in all that time, halfway, probably, halfway between the aminos and the treble clef—
(Directed to SARAH and LESLIE)
listen to this—there was a time when we all were down there, crawling around, and swimming and carrying on—remember how we read about it, Nancy …
NANCY
Yes … crawling around, and swimming … rather like it is now, but very different.
CHARLIE
Yes; very.
(To LESLIE and SARAH)
Are you interested in any of this?
SARAH (Genuine, and pert)
Oh! Fascinated!
CHARLIE
And you understand it; I mean, you follow it.
LESLIE
(Hurt, if not quite sure of himself)
Of course we follow it.
SARAH (Wavering a little)
Of … of course.
NANCY
Of course they do.
LESLIE (A kind of bluff)
“Rather like it is now, but very different” …
(Shrugs)
Whatever that means.
CHARLIE
(Enthusiastic didacticism)
It means that once upon a time you and I lived down there.
LESLIE
Oh, come on!
CHARLIE
Well, no, not literally, and not you and me, for that matter, but what we became.
LESLIE (Feigning enthusiastic belief)
Um-hum; um-hum.
SARAH
When were we all down there?
CHARLIE
Oh, a long time ago.
NANCY
Once upon a time, Sarah.
SARAH (After a pause)
Yes?
NANCY
(Laughs, realizing she is supposed to continue)
Oh my goodness. I feel silly.
CHARLIE
Why? All you’re going to do is explain evolution to a couple of lizards.
NANCY (Rising above it)
Once upon a time, Sarah, a long, long time ago, long before you were born—even before Charlie here was born …
CHARLIE
(Feigning great boredom)
Veeeerrry funny.
NANCY
Nothing was like it is at all today. There were fish, but they
didn’t look like any fish you’ve ever seen.
SARAH
My goodness!
LESLIE
What happened to them?
NANCY
(Trying to find it exactly)
Well … they were dissatisfied, is what they were. So, they grew, or diminished, or … or sprouted things—tails, spots, fins, feathers.
SARAH
It sounds extremely busy.
NANCY
Well, it was. Of course, it didn’t happen all at once.
SARAH (Looks to LESLIE)
Oh?
NANCY (A pleased laugh)
Oh, heavens no. Small changes; adding up. Like … well, there probably was a time when Leslie didn’t have a tail.
SARAH (Laughs)
Oh, really!
LESLIE (Quite dry)
I’ve always had a tail.
NANCY (Bright)
Oh, no; there was a time, way back, you didn’t. Before you needed it you didn’t have one.
LESLIE (Through his teeth)
I have always had a tail.
SARAH
Leslie’s very proud of his tail, Nancy …
CHARLIE
You like your tail, do you?
LESLIE
(Grim; gathers his tail in front of him)
I have always had a tail.
SARAH
Of course you have, Leslie; it’s a lovely tail.
LESLIE
(Hugging his tail in front of him, anxiety on his face)
I have. I’ve always had one.
NANCY (Trying again)
Well, of course you have, and so did your father before you, and his, too, I have no doubt, and so on back, but maybe they had a smaller tail than you, or a larger.
LESLIE
Smaller!
SARAH
Leslie’s extremely proud of his tail; it’s very large and sturdy and …
NANCY
Well, I’m sure; yes.
LESLIE (Eying CHARLIE)
You don’t have a tail.
CHARLIE (Rather proud)
No, I don’t.
LESLIE
What happened to it?
CHARLIE
It fell off. Mutate or perish. Let your tail drop off, change your spots, or maybe just your point of view. The dinosaurs knew a thing or two, but that was about it … great, enormous creatures, big as a diesel engine—
(To LESLIE)
whatever that may be—leviathans! … with a brain the size of a lichee nut; couldn’t cope; couldn’t figure it all out; went down.
LESLIE (Quite disgusted)
What are you talking about?
CHARLIE
Just running on, and trying to make a point. And do you know what happened once? Kind of the crowning moment of it all for me? It was when some … slimy creature poked his head out of the muck, looked around, and decided to spend some time up here … Came up into the air and decided to stay? And as time went on, he split apart and evolved and became tigers and gazelles and porcupines and Nancy here …
LESLIE (Annoyed)
I don’t believe a word of this!
CHARLIE
Oh, you’d better, for he went back under, too; part of what he became didn’t fancy it up on land, and went back down there, and turned into porpoises and sharks, and manta rays, and whales … and you.