When We Began

by Elena Aitken

  Logan drove his shovel into the pile of muck and lifted the load into the wheelbarrow, driving out the thoughts of Tina and his past. He was a different person now than he was then. A very different person.

  One day, he’d been staring mindlessly at the TV, the way he’d taken to spending most of his days, and he’d seen something about horses being used for therapy. There’d been a time, when he was a kid, when he’d loved horses. The idea intrigued him. He put down the bottle, mentioned it to his family, and started looking into it seriously. That was the day everything changed.

  Everything about that time of his life was completely different and he liked it that way.

  Mostly. There were days when he still missed Tina with a ferocity that continually threatened to bring him to his knees. Maybe if he wasn’t so lonely, he—

  “Logan!”

  The voice calling him across the yard distracted him from his line of thought. Thankfully. It was dangerous to even entertain such thoughts. The distraction was more than welcome. Especially because when he looked up, he saw Joseph Monroe, the older gentleman who’d been coming around to help him out with the horses.

  “Joseph.” He waved a greeting, jabbed his shovel in the pile of muck and went across the yard to greet the man. “I didn’t think you were coming in today.” Logan tugged his leather gloves off and shoved them in his back pocket before shaking Joseph’s hand. “I didn’t expect you until tomorrow.”

  Joseph had been coming out to the ranch three times a week for the last month or so and despite never actually settling on a schedule, the older man was very predictable and obviously enjoyed a routine. Which was why it was strange to see him on a Tuesday.

  “I just thought you might like a little help with mucking out the stalls today. I know you’re on your own here and—”

  “No explanation needed,” Logan cut him off. “Your help is always welcome here.”

  Joseph was a man of few words, but it didn’t take much for Logan to see that he was also a man with a lot of pent-up emotions, and a story he hadn’t told Logan yet. The horses had quickly become important to Joseph, and even if he was only there to help out and volunteer his time, Logan wasn’t blind. He saw the changes in the man over the last few weeks.

  “In fact,” Logan said, “if you just want to spend a little time with Peanut today, putting her through the motions, that would be a big help. I have a new client coming in next week, and I want to make sure she’s ready.”

  It wasn’t totally a lie. He did have a new client coming in. But he wasn’t worried about Peanut. She was more than ready.

  The older man nodded, giving the idea some thought. Logan knew he liked being with the horses; he’d caught him talking to them on more than one occasion. He could also see that something had Joseph wound up today. There was a reason he’d broken his routine to come out to the ranch. Even if he wouldn’t tell Logan, there was a good chance he’d tell Peanut.

  But a few minutes later, the older man did tell Logan. Maybe not exactly, but after fetching Peanut from the barn and leading her out to the ring, Logan couldn’t help but overhear Joseph muttering to the horse.

  “Don’t know what she expects,” he said to the horse as he led her by the reins. “Barely spoken in years and I’m supposed to drop everything when she pops in. Unannounced, too.”

  Logan tried not to listen, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but be intensely proud of what was happening. Horses had a way of bringing out emotions and feelings that people didn’t even know they had. Peanut was doing a perfect job of letting Joseph vent whatever was going on inside him, and it was entirely likely that the man himself didn’t even realize it.

  “She’s probably going to leave again anyway. Back to work. She always goes back to work.” Peanut stiffened and planted her feet in the ground, causing Joseph to stumble and misstep. “What the— Horse. Come on.”

  From the other side of the ring, Logan stopped shoveling and leaned on his shovel as he watched the scene unfold. Peanut had sensed Joseph’s stress and whatever tension he was feeling and had dug in. How Joseph handled it would be the real magic of equine therapy.

  Logan watched for a few minutes while the other man tugged on the reins, spoke sharply to the horse and grew more frustrated. Finally, when it seemed apparent that Peanut definitely didn’t have plans to go anywhere anytime soon, Logan called out. “She senses your tension, Joseph. She won’t go anywhere if you try to force her.”

  “I’m not forcing anything,” he hollered back. “And what tension? I’m fine.”

  Logan tried not to smile. “Are you?”

  “This is stupid.” Joseph tossed the reins aside and stepped out of the ring toward Logan. “I’m happy to help out and I like to volunteer here, but I don’t know what’s wrong with that animal today. She’s never been so stubborn with me before. If I wanted to deal with a stubborn female, I would have just stayed home with Amber.”

  Almost the moment the words were out of his mouth, Joseph’s face reddened and he turned away.

  “Who’s Amber?”

  Logan wasn’t really sure what he expected considering he barely knew the other man, but maybe Joseph had a lady friend, or Amber was a sister or neighbor. For whatever reason, he hadn’t considered the possibility of what he said next.

  “My daughter.” Joseph shook his head. “We’re not close.”

  “A daughter? You have a daughter?”

  “I don’t know why that’s so surprising.” The older man glared at him and Logan almost laughed, because he didn’t know either.

  “I guess I just didn’t picture you as much of a father type.” Quickly, Logan held up his hand and tried to backpedal. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. It’s just that—”

  “I’m not,” he interrupted him. “Much of a father, I mean. Never have been. And I’m sure Amber would say the same.” Joseph turned in on himself, obviously reliving a memory that he didn’t feel like sharing.

  Logan wasn’t going to push. He waited patiently while the other man worked through whatever he needed to and finally he spoke again.

  “She left after high school.” He gazed out over the ring to where Peanut stood patiently. “Never really found much reason to come home over the years. She’s back for a visit, I guess. Can’t imagine she’ll want to see much of me, though.”

  There was so much hurt in Joseph’s voice, a vulnerability that Logan had never witnessed with him before, that instantly Logan found himself becoming defensive of his new friend. What kind of daughter left an old man and never came to visit? A man who clearly loved her and was distressed by her absence, and she didn’t care at all?

  “I don’t suppose you know her,” Joseph said. “She’s probably a few years older than you, not that it matters.”

  “No,” Logan said. “I don’t think I do.”

  Logan looked at his boots in the dirt and shook his head. He couldn’t do much about a selfish woman he didn’t even know, but he could help Joseph work through things. And that’s just what he was going to do. “You know what?” he said after a moment. “I appreciate you coming out here a few times a week to help with the animals, but if you want to come more and spend a little more time with Peanut, well…I think you would probably both benefit from that.”

  Amber almost had Drew out of the house to help her do the grocery shopping, but at the last minute, something made her cry and she begged Amber to do it without her. Again.

  Not that Amber minded. Not really. She needed something to fill her days, but she was pretty sure she could find something a little more productive than buying groceries. At least she should find something more productive to do. The question was…what?

  Amber shrugged off the question as she pulled a shopping cart from the row at the front door of Timber Trade. It wasn’t the first time she’d wondered about what the hell she was going to do with herself. In fact, it was a pretty constant question that looped through her mind. But instead of coming up with any actu
al solutions, she just shoved it off. It was easier that way because there was only one thing she knew how to do. Be a lawyer. It’s not as if she couldn’t keep being a lawyer. There were other law firms, other cities, and other opportunities. She knew that.

  But if she went back to the only thing she knew, would the old habits return? She wasn’t sure it was a risk she could take. At least not yet.

  Besides, she had other things to focus on. Drew and Austin needed her and that would be her priority. She’d have lots of time to figure everything else out later.

  Which was why grocery shopping seemed like the most important thing she could do. And she was going to do it well.

  Before Amber could push her cart into the store, her cell phone rang. She moved out of the way and fished it out of her pocket.

  “Cam? What’s going on?”

  “Hey, Amber.” Her friend’s voice came across the line. “I hope you’re not in the middle of anything.”

  Amber looked to the brick building behind her and shrugged. “Not really. I was just going to pick up a few things for dinner.”

  Cam’s sigh meant that she knew exactly what that meant. “Drew’s still not leaving the house?”

  “Not much,” Amber responded. “And she really hates going to the store.”

  “I can see that.”

  “You can?” Amber was surprised, because she could never understand Drew’s insistence that Amber do the shopping. “Why? It seems like a basic thing she could start doing with me.”

  “You see it that way,” Cam said. “But for Drew it means running into everyone she knows and hearing their endless condolences. Never mind fielding questions about how she’s doing and how Austin is handling things. It would be exhausting.”

  “It would.” Amber nodded with new understanding. “I never thought of that. I feel like an ass for trying to convince her to come.”

  “Don’t feel like an ass,” Cam said kindly. “You’ve been amazing for her, and I know she appreciates having you around.” There was a short silence before Cam asked, “How is she anyway? Is it any better yet?”

  Amber shook her head despite the fact her friend couldn’t see her. “No. But it’s still early.”

  “It is. Why don’t I grab Christy in the next few days and we can pop over to watch a movie? Something funny. Or maybe she’ll agree to go to the park and get some fresh air?”

  “I like that idea.” Amber didn’t bother telling Cam that watching movies could be tricky and so far hadn’t gone very well. One night, she thought she’d start with the classic, Sleepless in Seattle. It wasn’t her fault that Amber hadn’t remembered that Tom Hanks’s character in that movie was a widower. The next night, she convinced Drew to let her pick a different movie. That time she went with action, but how was she to know that Iron Man had been Eric’s favorite Marvel movie? No, movies were a minefield of emotions. “I think it’s best to go outside.”

  “Great,” Cam said. “We’ll set it up. I’ll let you get to your shopping. But Amber?”

  “Yes?”

  “Make sure you let us know if you need anything, okay? Anything at all.”

  “Of course,” she responded, although they both knew that Amber would never ask for help.

  As soon as Amber set foot into the air-conditioned store, she pulled out the list that she’d carefully crafted before leaving the house. The first time Drew asked her to do the shopping, all she’d said to her was, “Get the essentials.”

  Considering the fact that not only did Amber have no idea that Drew’s idea of an essential was very different than hers, but also that it had been an unreasonably long time since she’d done an actual grocery trip—for the last ten years or so, she’d primarily eaten out—Amber didn’t think she’d done too badly a job. But apparently hummus, smoked salmon, and arugula weren’t considered essentials in Drew’s house.

  Ever since that first trip, where she’d walked around the grocery store, picking up packages of pasta, trying to decipher the difference between spaghetti and capellini, she’d been developing a system for the groceries.

  Before leaving the house, she’d take an inventory of what they had, what was getting low, and what they were going to have for meals for the coming days. Then she’d carefully list all of the items, being sure to cross-check them one more time with what was in the cupboard and refrigerator.

  After the first time Amber spent almost two hours in the store crisscrossing the aisles and doubling back on herself, she took the time to sketch out a little map where she highlighted the places she needed to hit. She took the time to consider frozen items and perishables—no more melted ice cream—and had developed a strategy for getting all the items on her list in the least amount of time.

  To say she was impressed with herself was an understatement. Apparently organizational skills were useful in more than just the courtroom.

  With her list in hand, a pen ready to cross each item off, and her reusable shopping bags already lined up in the cart, Amber started to move through the store with efficiency. It was still mostly an act, because even after developing the system, she still didn’t feel very comfortable with what she saw as a great responsibility. After all, she never wanted to make the mistake of buying the crunchy peanut butter instead of the smooth again. Having a little boy who’d already gone through so much in tears because of a sandwich was not high on her list of things to repeat.

  Even with her list, shopping still wasn’t easy. Amber took her time in every aisle, looking at all the options for pastas, sauces, what ketchup had less sugar. Despite all her careful selection, she was pretty sure she’d get it wrong and buy a different brand than Drew normally did, but she was getting less concerned about that all the time, considering Drew didn’t seem to care. She didn’t seem to care about much these days.

  Amber had tried everything she could think of to get her friend to re-engage with the world, but so far her efforts had been met mostly with tears, indifference, and sadness. There’d been a few glimmers of hope, and it still hadn’t been very long. She wouldn’t push Drew—yet.

  With her list almost complete, Amber steered her cart down the next aisle and stopped in front of the books and magazines. Her hand instinctively reached for the monthly selection of romance novels. She’d been buying them for so long, it was second nature for her to put the familiar covers in her cart. When she was in high school, Amber had been initially embarrassed about her romance novel habit. She’d hide the books in her textbooks and sneak them out only when she thought no one was looking.

  Losing herself in the love stories with cowboys, firefighters, and real-life heroes had been the perfect way for her to relax and escape from her daily life. Especially because she’d never had a boyfriend of her own.

  While her friends were all hooking up with the boys who would for the most part become the loves of their lives, Amber’s only focus had been on school, running whatever committees she was currently in charge of, getting the top marks that would get her into the best schools and out of Timber Creek. She didn’t have time for boys, or relationships, or love. She only had time for one thing—succeeding.

  At any cost.

  With the books still in her hands, Amber squeezed her eyes shut and for a moment she felt as if she were sixteen again. Standing in that very store, with those very same books in her hand. Only, when she was sixteen, she still had everything in front of her. All of her doors were open; success was hers for the taking. And she had taken it. It was at sixteen, in the eleventh grade, when she’d struggled for the first time to keep her marks up, hold down a job, and take part in the student’s union. She was exhausted and despite all her efforts, she couldn’t keep up. When she finally did lay down at night, she couldn’t sleep for the nightmares of failing out of school and not getting into a good college, which meant—staying home in Timber Creek.

  Desperate, she’d turned to caffeine pills at first, but when they lost their edge and she still needed more, she’d discovered that Tommy
Jenkins had been prescribed medication for his ADHD. And for a price, he’d sell those pills to her. For an even higher price, he’d keep his mouth shut about it.

  The drugs had the desired effect and had more than given her the boost she’d needed. The best part was, no one knew about it.

  If only she’d known then what she knew now. Would it have changed anything if she’d thought that taking a few pills in high school to help her study would lead to a few more? And finally a dependency that would control her life through college and into her adulthood? Would she have made a different decision if she knew then that by taking those first few Adderall pills, she was signing up for an addiction that would cause her to lose everything she’d worked for? And almost her own life?

  For a moment, Amber forgot herself and that she was standing in the middle of the grocery store with a cart full of food. With her eyes still squeezed shut, an icy trail of panic started to thread its way through her veins. The still unfamiliar and terrifying feeling of losing control started to take over. Her pulse was racing, her palms sweating, and, to her horror, there was nothing she could do about it.

  She was about to have a full-fledged panic attack in the middle of the grocery store.

  Logan tried his best to avoid the grocery store, not because he hated actually shopping for food, but mostly because he really didn’t like to go into town. Even though Timber Creek was his home town, and he should feel comfortable and relaxed there, it was the exact opposite. Things had changed so much since he was a kid. He’d changed. Now, when he went into town and saw the familiar faces and the people who waved and tried to make small talk with him, all he felt was an uncomfortable itching under his collar, as if all of a sudden the room was too hot and his clothes were too small.

  He knew people meant well, but either they didn’t know how to talk to him after Tina’s accident, or they tried too hard. Either way, Logan often thought it might be easier to go somewhere where no one knew him. But when it came right down to it, Timber Creek was home and something he couldn’t quite describe held him there.