When We Began

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When We Began Page 7

by Elena Aitken


  Normally, the last thing he would want to do was subject himself to a busy bar full of people, but Mark had invited him to the band’s performance when he’d run into him in town the other day. And it sure as hell beat the alternative of sitting home alone with nothing to keep him company but Tina’s ghost.

  Fifteen minutes later, he walked into the Log and Jam and was instantly glad he’d made the choice he had. The music of Timber Heart filled him, with their catchy beats and happy lyrics, and he found himself smiling as he ordered a beer from Ben at the bar.

  “Mark has a table up front,” Ben told him. “There are a few seats left.”

  Logan thanked him and pressed through the crowd, some of whom were dancing in the open spaces, until he found the group of people he mostly knew. They hadn’t gone to school together, but more and more they were becoming his friends. They were good people.

  He spied an open seat. “Is this seat taken?” He slid the chair out.

  “I don’t think—Logan?”

  He blinked and for the first time noticed in the dim lighting that it was Amber Monroe who occupied the seat next to him. “Hi.” He smiled and gestured to the seat, doing his best to ignore the way his body reacted to the sight of her. He shouldn’t feel anything for her. After all, she did nothing but annoy him and aggravate him. Mostly.

  “Go ahead.” Amber turned her attention back to the band, which gave him the opportunity to watch her. Her fingers bounced along the table in time to the music and her body swayed just slightly, as if she wasn’t willing to completely give herself over to the beat. She was mesmerizing, and Logan was so lost in watching her he hardly noticed when the song ended.

  It wasn’t until Amber cleared her throat that he realized she’d caught him staring at her. “Hi.”

  “You said that already.”

  “It never hurts to say it again.” He smiled and to his surprise, she smiled back. He hadn’t been sure how she would react to him after being at the ranch. After her time with Chester in the ring, she’d been quieter and way less opposed to the idea of equine therapy. In fact, she hadn’t said one word about hocus-pocus or voodoo or whatever else she thought about what he did with the horses. She hadn’t said much at all, really. But he could tell she’d been impacted by her time with Chester. “I’m glad I ran into you, actually.”

  Her face changed; the smile faded and her lips pressed into a thin line. It had been the wrong thing to say.

  She turned away as the band struck up a new song and he didn’t push the conversation. This time while Timber Heart was playing, Amber didn’t bounce to the music. Her fingers didn’t tap on the table. Instead, she held herself stiffly, as if she knew he was watching her.

  “Aren’t they great?” The moment the band signed off to take a break, Mark turned to face the table and share his enthusiasm for his wife’s performance. “They’re recording for a demo tonight. Hey, Logan. I didn’t see you come in.”

  Logan waved his hand in greeting. “I snuck in during the last set,” he said. “And they are awesome. I’m glad I came.” He turned to look at Amber as he spoke, but she wasn’t looking at him; she’d excused herself from the table and was moving quickly away from him into the crowd.

  Without saying a word to anyone at the table, he got up and started after her. He couldn’t be sure she was avoiding him, but he was definitely going to find out. “Hey.” He reached out and grabbed her arm before she could disappear into the crowd again. She spun around, her eyes narrowed, but he didn’t let go of her arm. “Can I talk to you?”

  She didn’t respond, but she stiffened under his hand.

  “I swear, I don’t bite.” He held up his free hand in surrender, but was unwilling to release her completely. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

  There was no good reason for her to keep running away from Logan. At least not one that she could say out loud without sounding like a complete idiot.

  Or coming clean.

  Either way, it wasn’t an appealing choice.

  She stared at him for a moment, assessing him and trying to ignore the heat that his hand on her skin was sending through her. Finally, she nodded. “Okay.”

  His smile was so disarming that she almost forgot herself. Almost.

  “You left so quickly the other day I never got to ask you what you thought about Chester?”

  She blinked.

  “The horse,” he clarified, as if she didn’t know exactly what he was talking about. “You didn’t tell me what you thought about the whole thing.”

  What she felt about it? She’d felt a lot of things talking to the horse. Mostly she’d felt relief and an unburdening in a way she never could have imagined. She hadn’t intended to say the things she’d said either, but after a few minutes, the words just came out.

  More importantly, the horse hadn’t judged her when she’d told him about her pills and her addiction. He hadn’t turned away from her when she told him about how she’d lost her job because she’d let her addiction get out of hand. Or how it had almost killed her. Talking to the horse, she’d felt better than she had in a very long time and all week she’d been trying to figure out how she could get out to Blackstar Ranch again and spend time with Chester without coming off like a total and complete hypocrite.

  But she couldn’t tell Logan any of that.

  Could she?

  “Can we talk outside?” She surprised herself when the question popped out of her mouth. And she was even more surprised when she took Logan’s hand and led him through the crowded room to the cool fall air outside.

  The minute she breathed in the crisp mountain air that already felt like winter was on the way, she felt emboldened. Before she could chicken out or let her pride get in the way, Amber turned to him. “I’d like to see Chester again.”

  “You would?”

  “Don’t make me beg.”

  “I wouldn’t.” He shook his head quickly and the smirk that had appeared, disappeared. “Not at all. I’m just surprised is all. I thought you—”

  “Look.” She held up a hand. “I know what you thought I thought. But I don’t think that anymore. At least, I don’t know if I do. I don’t think I do.” She closed her eyes for a moment and tried again. “It’s been a hard year.” Her voice dropped. “And I understand if you say no. After all, I wasn’t very supportive of my dad helping out and…I know I said some things…”

  “It’s okay.”

  She continued as if she hadn’t heard him. “I still don’t know if I believe in what you’re doing, but maybe I just need a little more time to make up my mind.”

  “You can have all the time you need.” He was so calm, so nonjudgmental, and so understanding—all of which was completely the opposite of the reaction she’d expected from him—that Amber was totally thrown off guard.

  She scanned his face for any hints that he might be messing with her but there was nothing but openness and kindness there.

  “Really?”

  Logan reached out and took her hands, which should have felt a little too forward, but for whatever reason, felt like the most natural thing in the world. “Amber, I’m not going to pretend to know why you need to talk to Chester, but I could see from the few minutes you had the other day that it was helpful. And that’s all I’m trying to do with Taking the Reins. Help. You don’t have to tell me anything more.”

  His presence was so unexpectedly calming that Amber felt if she could just hold his hands forever, everything might be okay. The fact that her opinion had changed so completely about Logan and his horses in only a few days wasn’t lost on her. As much as everything in her personality and experience up until now told her to be skeptical about this man and his therapy, her heart told her something very different. And maybe it was time she started listening to her heart a little more.

  “Thank you,” she said after a moment.

  “It’s nothing.” He squeezed her hands and smiled before letting them go. “I’m not a bad person, Amber. And I promise you t
hat I’m not trying to swindle your dad, or you for that matter. I’m just trying to do a little good in a world that could use it. Equine therapy helped me once and I saw an opportunity to do the same for others.”

  “How did it—”

  “You guys are going to miss the show!” Amber’s question was lost as Mark opened the door to the pub, and the noise and music from inside spilled out. “Sorry.” Mark smiled. “I didn’t mean to interrupt—”

  “You didn’t interrupt anything.” Amber pulled back and turned away from Logan. “We were just getting a bit of air.”

  “Well, hurry up. The second set is about to start.” Mark grinned and disappeared back inside.

  Amber couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm.

  “He’s pretty excited,” Logan said, reading her thoughts. “It’s cute.”

  “It is.” Amber moved toward the door. “You coming?”

  Logan shook his head, and disappointment flooded through her. “You know what? I think I’ll call it a night. It’s been a long day.”

  “Oh yeah?” To her surprise once again that night, Amber was genuinely interested. “The horses keep you running?”

  “Cute.” He laughed and then shook his head. “But no. It was just a long day. At any rate, I’m beat. I probably should already be in bed. But you make sure you get back out to the ranch, okay?”

  She nodded. “I will. And I promise not to be so judgey this time.”

  “Oh,” he added. “Your dad usually comes by on Mondays and Wednesdays. And the occasional Friday, if that matters.”

  “Okay, but it doesn’t matter.”

  He winked, seeing straight through her lie. Either way, it got a smile out of him before he said goodnight, waved, and walked away, leaving her standing outside the bar and wondering what the hell had just happened.

  Chapter Eight

  It took Amber two days to work up the courage to drive back out to Blackstar Ranch again. But the moment she stepped into the ring with Chester and took hold of his reins, the anxiety she’d felt about talking to the horse again melted away.

  At first, she just walked with him, gently leading the horse around in a circle. She checked over her shoulder and saw Logan watching her from a distance. He’d promised he’d stay close in case she needed him and to help facilitate things, whatever that meant, but that he wouldn’t be able to overhear anything she said to Chester.

  It felt different than it had the first time she was there. Now that she knew the very little that she knew, Amber found herself feeling self-conscious saying anything at all.

  As if Logan knew what she was struggling with, he called out to her. “Go ahead and talk to him. Chester is a great listener.”

  The horse neighed and nudged her with his head and Amber laughed. “Okay, okay,” she said to the horse. “I’ll talk. Is that what you want?”

  Chester snorted, which Amber took as an affirmative.

  “I don’t really know where to start,” she said. “I feel kind of stupid talking to you about it all since you probably don’t even understand. Well, I know you don’t understand what it’s like to have a lot of pressure on you.” She rubbed the horse’s flank and kept walking in a long, slow circle. “For as long as I can remember, there were these expectations on me to be a certain way, to get the right grades, get into the best schools and do something great with my life. And I know what you’re going to say,” she continued, as if Chester were having an actual conversation with her. “But it wasn’t like that with my friends and their parents. Sure, they all had certain expectations on them too. But for me it was different. My mom was dead and I needed to be someone.”

  As Amber started talking, the words came out in a flood. So quickly she hardly had time to process what she was saying.

  “Sometimes when you have that kind of pressure on you, you need a little edge.” She swallowed hard. “I guess that’s how it all started. I’d read somewhere that ADHD medication was legal and safe and would give me the ability to concentrate and focus like I never had before. So I tried it. And you know what? It was amazing.”

  Amber remembered those early years when she would buy Tommy’s Adderall pills from him in the parking lot behind the football field. Every time she took a pill, she had laser-like focus and could accomplish more in one night than she could in an entire week. She could study longer and harder. Her papers were better, she aced all her exams, and she still had time to head up whatever committee she’d committed to at the time.

  They were miracle pills.

  “In college, the pills were way easier to get and I even managed to convince the campus doctor that I had ADHD and couldn’t focus in class.” She stopped walking and turned to stand in front of the horse. “I didn’t even think I’d done anything wrong,” she told Chester. “I lied to the doctor and instead of feeling bad, I felt like I’d won. And I guess in a way, I had. I graduated with a perfect GPA and had more job offers after school than any of my classmates. Things were pretty perfect.”

  And they had been perfect. She’d had it all. At least she thought she had. If a high-powered career, expensive apartment, designer clothes, and a fat savings account was having it all, she had it.

  Until the day it all crashed down.

  “I woke up that morning and I knew something wasn’t right,” Amber told the horse. Chester whinnied and took a step backward, but Amber pulled him toward her again and kept talking. “My heart was racing and I couldn’t stop sweating. But I had an important meeting with a client we’d been trying to lock down for months. I couldn’t miss it and I needed to focus. So I took my pills. By then, I needed more than one. Sometimes a few a day. Sometimes more. That day the pills didn’t work the way they usually did and I couldn’t calm down. I was shaking and my thoughts were so scattered, I could barely form a sentence. And then, in the middle of the meeting…”

  Her words drifted away as the horse blurred in her vision. The ground tilted and she looked for something to grab onto. Amber pulled away and the horse stamped his foot. She dropped the horse’s reins and started to back away from him. Chester brayed in protest but Amber only barely heard him.

  It was happening again. The cold sweats, the increased heart rate, the feeling that she wasn’t connected to the earth. Her vision clouded; she couldn’t focus on anything. The world started to spin around her. She reached blindly behind her, but the fence rail wasn’t there.

  Vaguely, she felt herself slipping…falling…

  “Whoa. I got you.” Strong arms wrapped around her and held her tight. “It’s okay, Amber. You’re okay. Just breathe.”

  She did as she was told. One breath. And then another. She focused on taking one deep breath after another until finally the world around her came back into view. Slowly, she was able to make out the fence, the grass, and the horse standing a few feet away. She blinked hard and looked up at Logan, who still had a tight grip on her.

  “Are you okay?”

  She pressed her hand over her heart and felt the solid beat in her chest. It was just a panic attack. That’s all it was.

  She nodded. “I’m okay.”

  “Does that happen often?”

  She should have been embarrassed and not that long ago, she would have been. But at that moment, she no longer had the energy to keep pretending.

  Amber nodded. “Yes. At least, it used to.”

  Logan led her to a bench nearby and they sat, but he didn’t release her hand. She kept her free hand pressed to her chest and the reassuring steady thump of her heart.

  “I’m glad you were here,” she said. “Thank you.”

  “Chester alerted me.”

  Amber stared at Logan and then at the horse who lingered nearby. “He did?”

  “The horses are very in tune. He sensed something was going on. You didn’t notice?”

  She shook her head.

  “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  Amber took another deep breath and gazed out at the field. “Yes.�
�� She did want to talk about it. More than that, the need to talk surprised her with its intensity. “I was telling Chester everything. It felt good to let it out, to tell someone. You’re right—he is a good listener.”

  “He really is.”

  Amber managed a smile but it faded when Logan asked, “What was it specifically that triggered you, do you think?”

  “I was remembering,” she said simply. “It’s been easier to block it all out and pretend that nothing happened.”

  “But something did happen.”

  It wasn’t a question, but she nodded.

  “It was in the middle of the most important meeting of my career,” she started. “We’d been working on this company for months to sign us on as their corporate legal team. I had them. I was so sure of it. It was going to be the deal that would finally make me partner at the firm.”

  “And you had a panic attack?”

  “Yes.” She snort-laughed and shook her head. “Only not really. I’ve been having these attacks or episodes every once in a while, since college, but this one was different.” She looked up and straight into his brown eyes. “They called the ambulance…the doctors called it a cardiac event.” Question and concern crossed Logan’s face. “Caused by drug use and abuse.”

  The minute she said the words out loud, Amber felt a mixture of panic and relief. She’d never before told anyone about her Adderall use. Not even her best friends. It wasn’t until she was lying in the hospital bed thinking that she might die that she came clean to the doctors.

  It felt good to finally let her secret out, but more than the relief, it was terrifying.

  What had she done?

  “You won’t tell anyone, will you?” She jerked up on the bench and stiffened her back. He shook his head, but she hardly noticed as she scanned the horse ring and the yard. “My father? He’s not…” Her head turned and her eyes locked on his again. “He’s not here, is he?”

 

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