When We Began

by Elena Aitken

  “I agree.” Cam took a long sip of her tea. “But you know Amber. We’re never going to get her to just tell us.”

  “You think we’re going to have to trick her into talking?”

  “You know she’s smarter than both of us combined.” Cam laughed but then grew serious again. “But I do think she’ll tell us when she’s ready. I really do. And…I don’t want to gossip, but…”

  It was Christy’s turn to laugh. “I know exactly what you’re going to say.”

  “You do?”

  Christy nodded. “You were going to tell me about the way Amber was hanging out with Logan on Halloween.”

  Cam slapped her palm on the tabletop. “How did you know?”

  “I know everything.” Christy wiggled her eyebrows. “Seriously, I saw them. They looked like they were having a good night.”

  They had looked like they were having fun. Christy and Mark had wheeled Mya around in the stroller for a little bit and had tried to join up with Drew and Austin, but never quite could catch up with the rest of the group. They were on their way home when they saw a tall, striking Wonder Woman from the back laughing with a fireman. Amber and Logan. It was the first time Christy had seen Amber with a man and although she knew better, they weren’t on a date... If she hadn’t have known better, that might have been exactly what she thought.

  “Do you think it’s something?”

  “Your guess is as good as mine.” Christy shrugged. “But I kind of hope so. I mean…don’t you think it’s time that Amber met someone?”

  It was Cam’s turn to shrug. “I don’t know. Do you think you have to have someone to be fulfilled? I mean, Amber always made it clear that she was choosing herself over a relationship. Her career instead of a man. That was a choice and I don’t think she’s been unhappy because of it.”

  “I guess you’re right.” Christy thought about it. It was Amber’s choice. It always had been. She never could understand what the rest of them were doing, wasting their time with boys when they could be out building their futures on their own.

  “Drew seems to be doing okay,” she said after a moment, changing the subject. “I mean, I guess as well as can be expected.”

  Cam nodded and looked down at her tea.

  “But with the holidays coming up, it worries me,” Christy continued. “I actually don’t know if the best approach is to keep her really busy so she can’t think about the fact that Eric isn’t here, or maybe do something special to honor him this year. But I don’t know if drawing attention to it is the right way to go either.”

  “I don’t think it matters what we do—there will definitely be attention drawn to it.” Cam thought for a minute and nodded. “But you’re right. I think she’ll be okay.” She fiddled with her mug. “Besides…I think maybe there might be enough distraction around then anyway.”

  Something in her friend’s voice caught Christy’s attention. She narrowed her eyes and studied Cam. “What do you mean?”

  “Evan and I have decided to get married.” She said the words so quickly that Christy wasn’t sure that she’d heard properly.

  “What?”

  “We’re getting married.”

  “You were always getting married, weren’t you?” She pointed to Cam’s left hand and the ring Evan had put there months earlier. “But with the baby…”

  “I know. But we decided to do it before the baby comes.” She laughed. “It means I’ll be a big, fat bride, but I don’t care.”

  “You’ll be beautiful,” Christy said honestly. “That’s so exciting. A Christmas wedding?”

  Cam nodded. “I know it’s fast but yes. Christmas Eve. Do you think that’s crazy?”

  “I think it’s amazing.”

  It was only a few days after Halloween, but Logan had been right. Snow was definitely in the air. The clouds were heavy and gray, and although it wasn’t winter quite yet, that didn’t seem to matter to Mother Nature. Snow would be falling later that day. He was sure of it. Logan pulled his jacket over his flannel shirt and tugged his gloves on before heading out of the barn.

  And he was ready for it, too. Logan never minded the changing of the seasons, and winter was one of his favorites. There was nothing better than going for a ride with the snow crunching under the horse’s hooves, or heading out to a frozen lake to fish and huddle around a fire.

  Maybe this year he could show Amber just how hot an ice fishing hut could be?

  He tried to shake the thought loose, but there was no point. If he managed to push that one away, there’d just be another one on its heels. If he thought he’d been consumed by thoughts of Amber before Halloween, ever since their fun night as superheroes, he couldn’t get her off his mind.

  He smiled, thinking of how cute she’d looked in her costume. How vulnerable she’d been when she shivered a little and how he’d held her hand when he’d finally insisted they find some warmth at the end of the night. When Austin finally tired of trick-or-treating and Drew had dragged him—protesting the whole way—home, Logan had suggested they warm up at the Log and Jam before heading home and to his pleasant surprise, Amber had agreed.

  The pub had been packed, but Logan found a few extra chairs in a corner and had created a table for them out of a large portable speaker that probably belonged to the band. They tucked into the corner, drinking coffee. Even though it hadn’t lasted long, the night had kind of felt like a date.

  But if it had been a date, he would have kissed her. And he hadn’t. No matter how much he’d wanted to.

  Damn it. Logan kicked a clump of dirt as he walked through the yard.

  He should have kissed her.

  But he had managed to get her to agree on a date to come back and see him. He turned at the sound of a car and smiled when he recognized it as hers.

  She’d kept her promise.

  “Hey.” He waved and made his way over to her as she got out of the car. She was dressed in a bright-blue puffy jacket that looked more suited to the ski hill than a ranch. But it was warm…and cute. “I’m glad you came.” He stopped short of greeting her with a kiss and settled for a quick hug instead.

  The spicy scent of her hair filled his senses. The woman was definitely getting to him.

  “I told you I’d come.” She shifted from foot to foot, a move that was subtle, but he noticed. She was nervous.

  “No cape today?”

  That made her laugh. He loved her laugh because nothing about it was halfway. Amber laughed the way he suspected she lived: full on. “I thought maybe I’d opt for something a little warmer today.” She patted her jacket. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to get my cape dirty.”

  He chuckled. “Definitely not.” He reached out for her hand in a move that felt completely natural. When she accepted it and slid her gloved hand into his, even through the fabric, there was a heat between them. “Are you ready to do this again?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Obviously.”

  “I am ready.” She smiled at him as they walked. “I wasn’t sure I would be, but I actually think that the time away from…well, from all of it was a good thing. And then seeing you the other night…I’m rambling.” She shook her head and looked away.

  “No.” Logan stopped walking and turned to her. “I think I get it. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you came back and before you go talk to Chester again, I just wanted to tell you something.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I think it’s incredibly brave what you’re doing.” He hadn’t been sure he was going to say anything at all, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized she needed to hear what he had to say. “It takes a lot of courage to face your demons and make a change. And even more courage to talk about it.”

  “With a horse?” She tried to make a joke, but he could see the seriousness in her eyes.

  “Especially with a horse, because you have to be completely honest.”

  She seemed to think about what he said for a moment before noddin
g. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  Amber looked straight into his eyes. “For doing this for me,” she said. “Or with me, or whatever. I know you don’t have to. In fact, I guess I don’t even understand why you’re doing this. I mean, I was a total bitch to you.”

  He chuckled. “It’s true. But I was also an asshole to you. Besides,” he continued, the laughter gone, “none of that matters. I’m not helping you do anything. You’re doing it all yourself and you’re doing a great job.”

  Her lips twitched up into a smile but she didn’t say anything more.

  Logan squeezed her hand and gestured to the ring with his head. “I think someone is ready to see you.” Chester had spotted them and had made his way to the rail. “Are you ready?”

  “I am.” She let go of Logan’s hand. “I have a few things to talk through with Chester here.”

  He didn’t walk with her, but instead stood and waited for her to approach the ring and the horse. She patted his nose before ducking and climbing through the fence rails.

  She was a natural as she took the horse’s reins and started walking slowly around the ring, talking the entire time.

  Logan was so caught up in watching Amber and the horse that he hadn’t heard the footsteps approaching from behind.

  “What you’re doing here is very special.” It was Ruby Blackstar who’d come to stand beside him. “When I took over this ranch from my daddy, I never would have thought we’d have the horses giving therapy.”

  Logan turned and smiled at the elderly woman. She still wore her cowboy boots and ranching jeans every day although it had been awhile since he’d seen her around the barns. Logan knew she still liked to ride, although he hadn’t seen her up on a horse in a long time. He’d have to ask her about it.

  “I know it’s a little unorthodox,” he said. “And it might seem a little strange.”

  “Not at all.” Ruby shook her head. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve known that horses are special animals. Not like people at all. Horses listen. They understand.”

  Logan couldn’t agree more and he told her so and then said, “I really need to thank you, Ruby. We’re making a difference for people.” He remembered Kalen’s mother, who’d teared up talking about the changes in her son. But it was Amber he gestured to.

  Ruby followed his gaze and smiled. “I’m glad to hear it, Logan. I really am. But I came to find you today to give you some news.”

  She looked him straight in the eyes, and Logan knew before she even said anything that he wasn’t going to like what she said.

  “I think it’s time for me to move on, Logan. The ranch is getting to be too much.”

  He swallowed hard. He’d been afraid that something like this would happen. Even with him taking on a lot of the daily chores, it was obvious Ruby was winding down her operations and it wouldn’t be long before the ranch was more than she could handle. Or want to handle. “You’re selling Blackstar?”

  She nodded. “It wasn’t an easy decision. Blackstar has been my entire life and in my family for generations, but I’m not getting any younger and…well, I think it’s time.” She placed a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Ruby.” Logan put his hand on top of hers and patted it. “I understand.” He tried to smile, but judging by Ruby’s reaction, it hadn’t quite reached his eyes.

  “I’ll make sure the buyer understands what you’re doing here, Logan. I’ll try to make a deal that takes into account your business and the leasing arrangements—”

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be okay.”

  “And the therapy?” Ruby was a tough old woman, but standing in front of him at that moment, she looked like she just might cry. “I’m so sorry, Logan. If there were any other way…”

  “Don’t worry about it, Ruby. Please. I mean it. We’ll be fine and I’ll figure something out. I can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated your generosity. Please don’t give it another thought.”

  They stood in silence for a few minutes watching Amber, but Logan’s mind was no longer on the complicated beauty before him.

  Amber walked around the ring with Chester at least a dozen times. Each time around, she found herself relaxing a little more. It was different than the first time, and maybe that was because she knew what to expect from both the horse and herself. Or maybe it was just because she was feeling that much better about herself and everything she’d been through.

  It was nice talking to Chester. He neighed occasionally, a sound Amber found oddly comforting, and from time to time, he’d nuzzle his head toward her.

  She vaguely noticed Logan watching her, and then another woman standing next to the ring talking to him, but she didn’t allow herself to focus on anything except her and the horse. She was there for a reason, and although she still wasn’t one hundred percent sure of what that was, Amber knew that the horse next to her was definitely responsible for the peace she was beginning to feel inside.

  As was the man who stood close by. But that was more complicated.

  “How was it?” Logan asked when she led the horse toward the edge of the fence line. “You look different this time.”

  Amber laughed. “Is that because I’m not crying and in the middle of a panic attack?”

  “That might be it.” He smiled and took the reins from her. “But seriously.” He turned to her. “You look calmer, more…”

  “Settled?”

  “That might be it.” They started walking side-by-side toward the barn, Logan leading the horse, who walked a few paces behind him. “How do you feel?”

  “Honestly? I feel fantastic.” She felt a little silly saying it out loud, but she knew Logan would understand. “After my...incident, the doctors referred me to an addiction counselor and I had to do some sessions with her. It wasn’t rehab so much…but it was like rehab lite, I guess.” Logan chuckled. “She wanted me to talk about why I was using the pills and why I felt I couldn’t survive without them. She asked a lot of questions, and I think I was expected to…I don’t know…open up and have some sort of breakthrough or something.”

  “But you didn’t.” It wasn’t a question, but Amber shook her head anyway.

  “Not at all.” Together, they walked into the barn and toward Chester’s stall. Amber leaned up against a pole while Logan tucked the horse in and gave him fresh hay and water. “In fact,” she spoke while he worked, “I think it had the opposite effect than she intended. She’d sit there and ask me question after question, and all I could think of was how stupid it was. I mean, I used the pills because it was all I’d ever known. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t see that. Why did I have to explain it? How could I explain it?”

  “And now?”

  She shrugged. “Now I at least feel better about why I did what I did. I mean, I don’t feel better about it. But I think I might understand why I did it. At least at first.”

  Amber had the realization on her second lap around the ring with Chester, not that she should have been surprised by it. If she was really honest with herself, she’d already known why she’d turned to the pills when she was a teenager, and more importantly, why she’d continued to take them. In fact, she’d always known. But walking and talking to the horse allowed her to finally admit it out loud. And something about speaking the words made it crystal-clear.

  “I had a lot of expectations put upon me by my father,” she said. “And…more impactful, my mother before she died. They always wanted the best for me, and that included doing my best. I think because I was an only child, the pressure was more intense, but maybe it wouldn’t have been.” She kept talking as Logan finished up with the horse and they started walking outside again. “And maybe it’s not fair to put it on my parents,” she said. “Because I think I wanted it just as much as they did. Maybe more. When I was young and got straight As, it was easy. And it felt good to get all the attention. I liked it.”

  “Of course you did. That�
��s normal.”

  “But then it got harder, and it wasn’t only the grades. Not only did I need to be involved in everything, I needed to run it all, work a part-time job, be awesome. And…I couldn’t do it.”

  “Why did you have to?”

  She shrugged again, but she knew exactly why. “Because that’s what everyone expected of me. And most importantly, it was what I expected of me.”

  “The weight of expectations can crush you.”

  “They almost did.”

  They stood in silence for a moment. While they were inside, the clouds that had been building darkened and grew heavy. A few flakes started to fall around them and Logan turned to her. “I’m really glad you gave Chester a chance.” He took a step toward her, closing the distance between them. The air was charged, but instead of scaring her, it excited her. “And me.”

  “You?”

  He nodded and reached for her. “I’m really glad you gave me a chance.” Before she even knew it was happening, his lips pressed to hers and the electricity in the air flowed through their bodies. His hand cupped her cheek, while his other hand wrapped around her and pulled her in to him. She slipped her arms around him and deepened the kiss, because all at the same time, kissing Logan was the most exciting, terrifying, and perfect thing.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Thank you for coming shopping with me,” Cam called out from the changing room next to Amber at Dress Up. “It’s been too long since we’ve all hung out together.”

  “I agree,” Christy said. “Drew, I just found the cutest dress. You have to try it on. It will look perfect on you.”

  “I don’t need a dress.”

  Drew had come along begrudgingly, but she’d made it clear to everyone that she had no interest in buying any new clothes and she definitely wasn’t going to try any on.

  “I told you I’d sit and offer opinions,” she said. “Besides, you promised me lunch. That’s why I’m here.”