Tainted Forever

by Terri Anne Browning

  Pleasure filled me, surprising me even more than his praise. “Derrick told me you still have one of my songs in your wallet.”

  “I’ve carried it with me since the day you started running around the house singing it.”

  “I never knew that until Derrick told me.”

  Scott pulled his wallet from his dinner jacket pocket and pulled out a delicate-looking folded piece of paper. “I’ve recopied it a few times over the years,” he admitted as he offered the paper to me. “It got ripped once or twice and I spilled coffee on one, so I had to redo it. But that is word-for-word the song you would sing at the top of your lungs.”

  My fingers shook as I carefully unfolded the piece of paper. When I read the verses, my eyes began to sting with tears. It was just gibberish words I must have made up as a kid; they didn’t even really make sense to me. Yet he’d kept them in his wallet, carried them around with him for years when I wasn’t with him. When I didn’t even like him most of that time.

  I gave it back to him, watching with tear-filled eyes as he lovingly refolded the creased paper. “Why did you treat me like I didn’t matter when I came to live with you after Mom died?” I demanded in a choked voice.

  He raked a hand through his hair. “I knew if I paid you any attention, it would have only made things harder on you with Jillian. You’re right, she is an attention whore, and my attention is what she craves the most. If I let her know I loved you more than her, she would have turned your life upside down, sweetheart.”

  “Then why didn’t you divorce her?” I cried.

  “Because I was a coward,” he admitted, his voice pained, regret shining out of his eyes. “I didn’t have the balls to face another divorce at the time. When your mom left me, it destroyed me. I missed her, yes, but she took you away from me, too, and moved to the other side of the country. I went from having you there to make things brighter to being all alone. Georgia and Carolina weren’t you, but they filled some of the void of missing my little girl, and I didn’t want to lose that again. So I hid my head and tried to protect you as much as I could.”

  His hand reached for Shannon’s, and I blinked, startled because I’d almost forgotten we weren’t alone. No one had spoken or even so much as coughed while Scott and I were talking. It was almost like they’d been holding their breath, afraid to interrupt in any shape or form as my dad and I actually talked for the first time in—ever. “Then Carolina went off to college, and the darkness was back again. Shannon and I ran into each other at an award show, and everything I gave up when I broke up with her flooded back in. I no longer had anything to lose, and I love her so fucking much. With her, I finally realized what happiness really is, and I knew I would face anything to get to have her for the rest of my life.”

  “I love you too,” Shannon whispered, blinking back tears.

  “I have a question,” London spoke up. All eyes fell on her, including my own. “If you missed Kin so much, why didn’t you share custody with her mom?”

  “Legit question,” Jace agreed, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over my shoulder.

  Scott’s face became pained again. “We did for a while. I would fly out and bring Kin back with me for a week or so. But then my schedule got crazy with back-to-back movies, and by the time I had was done, Abby was with Carter, and Kin didn’t want to leave her new stepsiblings to come visit me like she used to. The one time I did force the issue, she cried the whole week, and it broke my heart to see her so unhappy, especially when I was the cause of it.”

  My heart was pounding as I listened to what he had to say. I didn’t remember any of that because I was too young at the time, but from the moment I met Angie and Caleb, they became everything to me. But I never knew he had tried to stay in my life. I always thought that when Mom and I left, I was no longer important enough to him for him to bother trying to keep me in his life.

  “I thought you just didn’t care enough to want to be a part of my life,” I whispered.

  “There hasn’t been a day that has gone by where you haven’t been on my mind. But you got mad every time I came to visit you, thinking I was going to tear you away from the twins again. So I stopped coming as much, and then I met Jillian and her girls, and I guess I stopped trying. You being mad at me so much broke my heart, and I couldn’t keep putting either of us through it.”

  He reached across the table, his warm hand grasping mine and squeezing so gently, another tear spilled free. “I don’t ever want you to think I don’t love you, sweetheart. Because I do. I always have, and I promise you, I always will.”

  A sob got caught in my throat, and I turned my head away. Jace was there, folding me into his arms, letting me bury my face in his chest as he stroked his hands over my hair. I felt his lips at my ear, but it was my right one, so even if he’d said anything, I wouldn’t have heard it. It didn’t matter, though. I didn’t need more words from anyone right then.

  I just needed Jace’s arms around me, while my dad still held on to my hand.

  Chapter 28

  Jace

  I lifted Hayat into my arms, breathing in her little baby smells and kissing her cheek as I settled her on my shoulder. I was still terrified I was going to break my little goddaughter, but she didn’t seem nearly as breakable now that she was growing.

  She grinned up at me, her dimples popping, and my heart squeezed with love for the little beauty in my arms.

  A burp left her, and the grin disappeared, making me pout at her and her godmother laugh at me.

  “She’s going to break your heart repeatedly today, I’m afraid,” Lucy said with a giggle. “She’s got a lot of gas going on.”

  Proving her mother right, she burped again as I rubbed her back. I kissed Hayat’s cheek again. “It’s okay, you little brat. I still love you regardless.”

  As I walked over to the couch where Kin was sitting, she lifted her hands, wanting the baby. I knew from experience that as soon as she got her hands on our little goddaughter, it was game over. I wouldn’t get to cuddle Hayat for the rest of our visit because Kin didn’t share.

  My arms tightened around the baby’s back, shaking my head at Kin as I carefully sat. “Nope. I need Hayat cuddles before you steal her from me.” I rearranged the baby in my arms so I could see her beautiful face. “Isn’t that right, my little cuddle bug? Yes, you want Unc to love on you before mean Auntie Kin tries to hoard all the baby kisses.”

  “You suck,” Kin grumbled but leaned over my arm to look down at the baby, fingering one of her dark curls. “Auntie Kin is not mean,” she told the baby. “But I probably shouldn’t hold you today. I don’t want to get you sick.”

  “You’re still not feeling well?” Lucy asked, concerned. “It’s been a week. You should really see the doctor, babe.”

  “I saw the urgent care doctor a few days ago when Jace insisted. They just said my stomach needed time to settle down after the nightmare of the stomach bug. But I have my gyno appointment Monday, so I’ll talk to Dr. Baric about it if I’m still not feeling well.”

  My phone went off with my text tone, and I shifted so I could pull it out of my pocket while still holding on to Hayat. Seeing the name on the screen, my fingers tightened around the phone case.

  Eden.

  I hadn’t heard much from her the last few weeks. The last time I talked to her, she said her son was teething and she wasn’t getting much sleep. Now that I had Kin back, I was reluctant to even talk to my half sister. I knew it wasn’t Eden’s fault, that I was the one responsible for my breakup, but part of me felt like if I’d never met her again, none of what happened would have.

  Reading over the text Eden sent, I swallowed a curse and dropped the phone onto the couch, not bothering to reply yet.

  Kin noticed my reaction, her brows lifting at me in silent inquiry, but I turned my attention back to Hayat. “Soon there are going to be a lot of babies running around my feet. But don’t be jealous, beautiful. Unc loved you first.”
r />   “Who else is pregnant?” Lucy asked, sipping on her glass of lemonade. “Did I miss something?”

  I froze, then groaned. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything about Kassa, was I?” I muttered to Kin.

  “Nope.”

  Lucy let out a tiny squeal. “Oh my gods! Really? I’m so happy for her and Gray. Is that why they did the quickie courthouse wedding?”

  “They didn’t like the stress of wedding planning,” Kin told her. “So they just figured they would tie the knot and get it over with. Since everyone was already at Alicia’s, they decided to tell us, but they aren’t telling anyone else until she’s further along because they’re nervous.”

  “This makes me so happy,” Lucy cried.

  “Don’t tell anyone but Harris, or Kassa will kill Jace.”

  “My lips are sealed, and I’ll make sure Harris doesn’t spill the beans to anyone,” Lucy promised.

  My phone got another text, but I didn’t bother looking at it. I didn’t want to talk to Eden or bring her up to Kin. But when two more texts came in back-to-back, Kin began to tense when I didn’t even look at my phone.

  “Oh, look at the time,” Lucy murmured, standing to take the baby from me. “Time to feed Hayat or she’s going to start getting cranky.” Her gaze bounced off me and then Kin. “I’ll be in the nursery.”

  “Actually, I think we’re going to go,” Kin told her, her voice tight. “I have a never-ending list of things I have to do before we leave next week.”

  “You’ll come see me before you leave, though, right?” Lucy asked hopefully, her eyes sad.

  “Of course I will.” Kin hugged her, making sure not to breathe on Hayat. “Love you, babe.”

  “Love you too.” Lucy’s brown eyes landed on me as I stuffed my phone in my pocket and moved in for a hug and to kiss Hayat’s head. “Don’t start being stupid again, dumbass,” she hissed at me.

  Had I been acting shady again?

  Fuck.

  I was.

  Lucy walked us to the door, and I scrambled with how to make things right again. As we walked to my car, I reached for Kin’s hand. She jerked away from me before I could even touch her and opened the passenger door.

  Groaning, I climbed in behind the wheel and offered her my phone. “Here,” I said when she just glared out the passenger window. She turned her head and turned her glare to the phone in my hand. “Eden’s in town. She wants to get together for dinner, but I didn’t want to ruin our fun with Hayat. Looks like I fucked that up anyway.”

  “Why couldn’t you just say that?” she whispered, not bothering to take the phone from me. “Why can’t you just talk to me about her? Is she that important to you that, when it comes to her, I don’t matter?”

  “That’s not it,” I rushed to assure her.

  “Then what is it?” she cried, tears filling her eyes. “You kept her a secret from me for a year, Jace. You let me think you were cheating, and even when you promised you weren’t, you still didn’t bring her up. She is so much more important to you than me, and I want to fucking know why!”

  “Stop.” I didn’t mean to yell, but I felt like I was losing control again, and I just needed her to listen. “No one is more important to me than you. You are my number one priority, baby. Always. I didn’t tell you about Eden because I was scared.”

  “Of what?” she screamed. “Because the only thing I’m scared of is that you’re going to start lying and keeping shit from me again.”

  Frustrated, I raked my fingers through my hair. “Eden always seemed to hate Kassa because I showed her more attention, but I loved both my sisters equally when we were all together. Kas was just a baby, though, and she needed taking care of. That sure as hell wasn’t going to be done by our mom. Eden was older than me, but she didn’t understand that we needed to have each other’s backs and take care of our little sister.”

  “How old were you?”

  “I was eight when social services stepped in and took Eden. By then, I was relieved she wasn’t around. She’d started acting weird around Kassa, and I didn’t trust her. Then one night I woke up because I kept hearing something coming from the room Eden and Kassa shared. When I got in there, I saw Mom and Eden fighting over a pillow. I thought Eden was trying to smother Kas and Mom was trying to fight her off. But after Eden and I met again and we started talking, I realized it was the other way around. Eden saved Kassa that night.”

  “Oh my God.” Kin’s face was pale, her eyes full of horror. “How could she do that?”

  I caught her hand and kissed her palm, needing to touch her as I relived the nightmares of my childhood. “Our mom was a drug addict, baby. She wasn’t in her right mind half the time. Eden told me Kas woke up crying that night, and Mom was high off her ass.”

  “I’m so sorry the three of you had to go through that. You and Kassa are so well adjusted, it’s hard to imagine that was your childhood.”

  “Alicia helped us a lot once she adopted us. She put us in therapy and did everything she could to reassure us we were safe and she loved us.” I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “But Eden didn’t get that same treatment. She lived with her dad and ended up on drugs just like our mom. Her life was spiraling out of control when I met her again. I felt guilty that she hadn’t been raised like Kassa and me, and I wanted to help her. But at the same time, I was still afraid of her. In the years since I last saw her, I had built her up as this monster in my head, and I couldn’t trust her around those I loved the most.”

  “Jace…”

  I leaned in, pressing my forehead into hers. “I love you so fucking much, Kin. And if I let Eden fully into my life and she suddenly turned back into the monster I remembered—if she hurt you or Kassa because I brought her into our lives—it would have killed me.”

  She wrapped her arms around me, pulling my head down to her chest. “You were really that scared for us?”

  “You and Kassa are my life. All I could think about was protecting you, but the guilt was choking me and I needed to help Eden out as much as I could. It was driving me crazy keeping her a secret, but I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.” Her fingers combed through my hair, and I closed my eyes, savoring her touch. “She told me she was pregnant and wanted to get clean for the baby’s sake. I got her into a rehab and kept up with her progress. I love my sister, Kin. Really, I do. But you have my full loyalty, you own my heart. I only wanted to protect you.”

  She was quiet for a moment before releasing a heavy sigh. “I get it,” she muttered. “I just wish you would have said something. You didn’t have to lie to me about her. I would have understood if you’d just told me, Jace.”

  I straightened and cupped her face in my hands. “I’m so sorry. I swear to you, it won’t ever happen again. I won’t do anything to make you doubt your place in my life.”

  She covered my hands, leaning into my touch. “Can I meet her?” she asked hesitantly. “You don’t seem to be afraid of her now.”

  “You want to?” She nodded, the expression on her face determined. “She wants to have dinner with me. I guess we could meet her.”

  “You guess?” Kin lifted a brow at me.

  I kissed the tip of her nose. “Are you sure you want to? We don’t have to go.”

  “Yes, I’m sure. She’s important to you. I think you owe it to me to introduce us, don’t you think?” She kissed me, just a light brush of her lips over mine, then sat back in her seat and pulled her seat belt on.

  I just sat there, watching her, thankful she wasn’t walking away from me again.

  “Well?” she grumbled when I didn’t start the car. “Let’s go. I need to change and get ready if we’re having dinner with your sister.”

  Sighing, I pushed my phone into her hands. “Text her back. Tell her we’ll meet her at seven.”

  --

  The restaurant was crowded when we walked in a few minutes before seven. I was surprised we weren’t late since Kassa and Gray
had come home early. When Kin told them what we were doing for dinner, Kassa decided they were coming too.

  I’d wanted to protest. I felt like I was panicking enough with introducing Kin to Eden; to have Kassa with us too was making my heart pound so hard, it was shaking my chest.

  Eden wouldn’t hurt either of them, I knew that now, but that old fear was hard to overcome.

  Kin and Kassa walked over to the hostess’s podium, arm in arm. I couldn’t get the reservation I’d wanted, so I’d ended up calling Emmie to have her work her magic. The initial reservation was for four, but Kin had texted Emmie on the way to ask her to add Gray and Kassa. When Kin gave our name, there weren’t any issues about the addition to our party, and the hostess took us straight back to our table.

  Gray stayed beside me as we walked. “You sure this is cool?” my brother-in-law asked in a low voice. “Kassa will be okay?”

  Fuck, I hoped so.

  Rubbing my hands together, I tried to push down my nervousness. “It will be fine.”

  “Fucking better be,” he muttered.

  Ignoring him, I pulled out Kin’s chair for her. She kissed my cheek as she took her seat, accepting one of the menus the hostess offered. As soon as we were all seated, a waiter appeared, taking our drink orders. Gray and I both asked for beer, while the girls stuck to water.

  Minutes ticked by, and I noticed the waiter keep looking over to see if the rest of the seats were filled, but Eden hadn’t shown up yet. I glanced at my phone. It was quarter after seven now, and Eden hadn’t even texted to let me know she was going to be late.

  “She’s got a baby,” Kassa excused for her. “Of course she’s going to be running late.”

  By seven thirty, we decided to just order, but as the waiter started over to us, I spotted Eden walking toward us alone. As she reached the table, I stood. She gave me a quick hug, then stepped back, looking frazzled.

  “Where’s Dean?” I asked, glancing behind her for any sign of her husband.