Tainted Forever

by Terri Anne Browning

Relief hit me like a wrecking ball to the gut, and I let go of the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding. “I saw a few For Sale signs up a few blocks from Alicia’s,” I told her, and my sister’s face brightened. “How many bedrooms were you thinking?”

  “Oh, well, we want at least three for now. More, if possible.” She jumped up, wrapping her arms around me for a tight squeeze. “You’re not upset?”

  “Why would I be?” I asked, perplexed. “Bristol is home.”

  “But I’ll be moving away from you,” she explained.

  “We will see plenty of each other, though. The band will be touring a lot in the next few years. We’ll be on the road together more often than not.” And it would make me feel better if at least one of us were closer to Alicia. I kept my mouth shut about her illness, but it was eating away at me. I wanted to tell them about it so damn bad, but I’d promised Alicia, and I wouldn’t break my word. Not yet, anyway.

  “You’re the best big brother ever,” she said with a little crack in her voice, and my guilt over keeping Alicia’s secret only mounted.

  “Kin in our room?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “She’s not with you?” Gray asked, and I shook my head. “We dropped her off at her place after the doctor. I figured she would come back with you since her Rover is in the garage downstairs.”

  “Why didn’t she tell me?” I muttered, pulling my phone out to check to see if I’d missed a call or text from her. Dropping the untouched beer into the sink, I called her as I headed for the door. “I’m going to get her,” I called back to them as I waited for Kin to pick up.

  “Be careful. Love you,” Kassa yelled as the kitchen door closed behind me.

  My call was still unanswered when I reached the elevators. Finally, it went to voice mail, and I called her back. Still no answer.

  Everything okay? I texted as I got into my car. I’m on my way to get you.

  A reply came in before I even reached the garage exit.

  Don’t come over. Just going to spend the night here. I have a headache.

  Warning bells starting going off in my head. Something was wrong. I didn’t know what, but there was no way in hell I was going to let her sleep away from me. We hadn’t been apart for a single night since we’d gotten back together. I didn’t know what was wrong with her, but I wasn’t going to let her put up walls between us.

  When I knocked on her apartment door, there was no answer. Amara and Riley had been at First Bass while I was there. Cash joined them before I left, letting me know he was all packed and ready to go for the tour.

  Pounding on the door with one fist, I pressed down on the doorbell with the other. It would annoy the hell out of Kin, and she wouldn’t have any choice but to answer the door. A full minute passed, and I was beginning to sweat when the door swung inward.

  “Baby…” I began and stopped when I got a good look at her face.

  Tears streaked her cheeks. Her nose was bright red, and her eyes were so bloodshot, there was barely any white visible. She was dressed in pajamas and a thick cardigan like she was freezing.

  “I told you not to come,” she muttered, her voice breaking.

  I pulled her into my arms. “What’s wrong?”

  She stood stiffly in my arms. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Walking her into the apartment, I closed the door and then urged her over to the couch. I sat and tugged her down onto my lap. “Did something happen with your dad? I thought you two were trying to have a relationship now.”

  “Haven’t talked to Scott,” she mumbled.

  “Then why have you been crying?” I demanded, my heart shuddering in my chest. She looked like she’d been crying for hours, yet she hadn’t called me all day. What had I missed? What the fuck had I done this time to make her cry? When she remained silent, I cupped her face, trying to get her to meet my eyes. “Baby, talk to me.”

  “It’s nothing,” she said, pulling away. “I’m just nervous about the first concert.”

  “You’re that anxious?” She nodded, and I tucked her head under my chin. “You don’t need to be. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Kin. I’ll be right there beside you the whole time, cheering you on.”

  “I know,” she whispered.

  For the next few minutes, we just sat there. I began to relax, glad I hadn’t done anything to make her cry again. Everything that upset her made me second-guess anything I said or did for fear she would leave me again.

  Her muscles began to loosen, the tension in them too, and when I looked down at her, it was to find she’d fallen asleep.

  Shaking my head at her, I stood with her in my arms and carried her into her room. The bed was unmade, and there was a pile of crumpled tissues spread all over the sheets. I laid her head on the pillows, tucking the covers around her before picking up the trash and tossing it into the wastebasket in the bathroom.

  Going back into the bedroom, I kicked off my shoes. Taking out my keys and wallet, I tossed them on the side table and pulled off my shirt and jeans before crawling into bed behind her. With a sigh, she turned, pressing her face into my chest, her arm going around my waist.

  “Love you,” she murmured in her sleep.

  I kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Kin.”

  --

  I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, there was blinding light coming through the window.

  Squinting my eyes against the glare, I sat up. Kin wasn’t in bed beside me, and the bathroom door was open with the lights off. I sat there, listening for some sign of life in the rest of the apartment.

  When I heard footsteps outside the door, I got up. Pulling on my jeans, I grabbed my T-shirt and walked out to the kitchen where I found Riley and Amara eating breakfast together.

  “Morning,” Amara greeted. “Hungry?” She held up a plate of pancakes, but I wasn’t sure she was actually offering me one. I knew she wasn’t much of a sharer these days. Cash teased her about it all the time, but it was kind of adorable. Her baby bump only got bigger every time I saw her, and she was always eating something.

  “I’m good,” I told her, even though my stomach was growling. “Where’s Kin?”

  “She’s not in her room?” Riley asked, her brows lifted.

  “No.” I grabbed the coffeepot, pouring a cup full, and swallowed it in two big gulps.

  “We haven’t seen her,” the little brunette informed me, and my heart started to jackhammer.

  She’s okay, I told myself. She’s just nervous. She would have told me if something was wrong.

  But even as I tried to reassure myself of all that, I couldn’t get my own anxiety to calm down. I excused myself and ran back to Kin’s room to grab my keys and wallet, only my keys were gone. Shit. She must have taken my car.

  Picking up my phone, I called her and blew out a relieved breath when she picked up on the second ring. “Hey. Sorry I took your car. I need to run out to see Lucy really quick.”

  “That’s fine. I don’t care if you use it. I was just worried when I woke up and you weren’t here. If you’d woken me up, I would have gone with you.”

  “I’m sorry. You were sleeping so peacefully, and this won’t take long.”

  I dropped down onto the edge of her bed. “Take your time. I’ll just hang around here.”

  “Jace…” She paused then exhaled heavily. She wanted to tell me something; I could feel it all the way to my bones. But when she spoke again, it was only to say, “I love you.”

  I rubbed a hand over my chin. “I love you too, babe. Kiss Hayat for me, and I’ll see you later. Okay?”

  “Okay. See you.”

  After she hung up, I fell back onto the mattress and closed my eyes. Something was wrong, and it wasn’t just because of her stage fright. I knew my girl, knew she was strong enough and amazing enough that she could face a crowd no matter how big or intense it really got.

  No, there was some
thing else going on. I just had to give her time to tell me.

  Chapter 31

  Kin

  All the way to Lucy’s house in Malibu, I wanted to talk to her about what happened at the doctor’s the day before, but by the time I actually got there, I couldn’t do it.

  It didn’t seem right to discuss my pregnancy with her when I hadn’t even told Jace about it. He deserved to be the first person to know about our baby.

  Instead, I cuddled with Hayat and let her sweet innocence soak into me and soothe all the chaos trying to run riot in my head. I held her and made her giggle and found myself almost crying a few times, but thankfully I stopped myself before Lucy could see the tears and demand to know what was going on.

  I only stayed an hour before driving back to my apartment.

  I needed to tell Jace, and I needed to do it now. Before I chickened out. Before I fucked up and started going down the same road he’d gone down with keeping Eden a secret from me. This was bigger than what happened with Eden. This was bigger than anything else I’d ever had to face in my life, and I needed him.

  But I was terrified. This was huge, life-changing. It wasn’t just us talking about moving in or him randomly proposing. We were going to be parents. If he fucked this up, it was going to destroy us completely this time.

  As I walked through the apartment toward my bedroom where he’d texted me he still was just a half hour before, I pulled out the stuff the doctor gave me the day before. On my way to Lucy’s, I’d filled my prescription, and the vitamins were lying on top of the ultrasound pictures in my purse.

  Opening my bedroom door, I pulled them out and walked in.

  Jace was lying on his stomach in the middle of my bed, swiping through his phone. When he saw me, his face lit up. “I didn’t think you would be back so soon.”

  I sat on the edge of the bed and put the pictures and the pills on the comforter beside him. His eyes narrowed on them as he picked up the bottle of prenatal vitamins. “Are these Kassa’s? Why do you have them?”

  I twisted my hands in my lap, but I forced myself to watch his face as I told him, “They aren’t hers. They’re… The doctor prescribed them to me yesterday.”

  “These are for pregnant women, though. Right?” His blue gaze met mine, and I watched as all the color began to drain from his face. “Are you telling me you’re pregnant, Kin?”

  Swallowing hard, I slowly nodded.

  He jumped up out of bed. “But…you have that implant thing. It’s supposed to keep you from getting pregnant.”

  My chin started to tremble, but I clenched my jaw until I had myself under control. “Dr. Baric said sometimes they fail. Or stop early. She sent it off to the lab to be examined after she took it out yesterday. When she did my pap smear, she saw that my cervix was soft, and with the way I’ve been feeling lately, she did a pregnancy test and it came back positive.”

  “Fuck,” he groaned, rubbing his hands over his face.

  I sat there, my head bowed, waiting for him to get his freak-out over with, inwardly cringing as I anticipated the moment he would start exploding and yelling.

  This wasn’t part of our plan.

  Fuck, we didn’t even have a plan anymore. But this wasn’t part of the immediate future I foresaw for us. Babies were for the distant future, when I had my life straightened out perfectly, when Jace and I had figured us out. We still had so much we wanted to do. Our careers were just starting to take off; we didn’t have time for a baby.

  Yet, as I waited, none of those things came out of his mouth.

  Instead, he was quiet, and I chanced a glance at him, only to find him standing there with tears in his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he choked out.

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. My head is a jumbled mess right now.”

  He dropped to his knees in front of me, clasping my hands in his as he tried to blink back his tears. “I mean, physically. Are you sick? Is the baby okay? How far along are you? Did you hear the baby’s heartbeat yesterday?”

  The bombardment of questions stunned me for a moment, and I had to rush to keep up with them. “I still feel nauseous, but other than that, I’m okay. The doctor said the baby is doing great, and I’m only just now six weeks along. I heard the heartbeat, and it was really strong.” I lifted my chin toward the bed where the pictures still were. “She did an ultrasound to determine how far along I am, and I got to keep all the pictures the tech took.”

  Holding both my hands in one of his, he picked up the pictures with the other. His eyes scanned the paper, trying to make sense of it. For the first time since my appointment the day before, I found myself laughing at the look of concentration on his face. Leaning forward, I pulled one hand free and pointed out what was our baby.

  “Our blob is the size of a sweet pea,” I told him as I ran my nail over the tiny spot. “Or at least, that was what the tech told me yesterday. But it will double in size by next week.”

  “That’s… Fuck, that’s amazing,” he whispered in complete awe.

  “Jace…” I clutched his hand tightly, all my fears crashing back down on me. “What are we going to do?”

  “Have a baby. Love him or her. Hope we don’t fuck it up.” He sounded so confident. Still in awe, but so sure of himself.

  A helpless sob left me. “But what about us?”

  Dropping the pictures to the floor, he cupped my face in both his hands. “Why would you ask something like that?”

  “I don’t know. Because I’m scared? We’ve broken up twice. What if we break up again? What if we hurt this baby the way my dad hurt me when I was growing up?” His brows pinched together, but I couldn’t stop the words now that they were free. “I know he didn’t mean to. I really do. But when I was growing up, I didn’t understand it. And it hurt, Jace. If we break up again and the baby is put in the middle… I don’t want our baby to hurt like I did.”

  “We aren’t ever going to break up again,” he growled. “Nothing—do you hear me, Kin?—nothing is ever going to come between us ever again. I can’t live without you. I won’t. This is it for us. We’re not going to spend another day apart. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and I love you more and more every day. Baby, you are the other half of my soul.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing.” He kissed me, hard. When he pulled back, his eyes were dark with determination. “We will always be together. Always.”

  “Jace—”

  “Do you love me?” he demanded, his voice thick with emotion.

  I nodded, blinking back my tears. “Yes. More than anything.”

  “Then stop second-guessing us. Everything will fall into place, I promise you. Don’t worry about the what-ifs. They don’t matter. You and I are forever, Kin Montez.”

  “How can you be so sure?” I whispered, but I was starting to calm down, starting to realize he was right. My heart wasn’t going crazy, and the weight that had pressed down on me for the past twenty-four hours was starting to fade.

  “Because I was forced to live without you, and it nearly killed me. That shit isn’t happening again, Kin. I’ll weld our shadows together if I have to, but I’m not ever letting you go again.” He brushed my hair back from my face, his thumb wiping away my tears. “I love you so fucking much it hurts. And I swear to you, I’ll always take care of you and our baby. You two will always come first with me. But if I ever make you feel like you aren’t, you better set me right, and quick.”

  A smile teased at my lips even as my tears continued to spill down my cheeks. “I promise to kick you in the balls anytime you do something stupid like that, babe.”

  “Does this mean you’ll marry me now?” he asked hopefully.

  But I shook my head, and his face fell. “I’m not marrying you just because you knocked me up.”

  “You’re killing me, woman,” he groaned, his hands going to my stomach and rubbing so tenderly, I had to swallow another sob. “Do you hear
that, little sweet pea? Your mommy still doesn’t want to marry me. What the hell am I going to do to convince her to say yes?”

  “Get the proposal right, would be my guess,” I teased.

  He blew out a frustrated sigh. “I’ll make sure to work on that.”

  Tapping my leg, he urged me to scoot back on the bed. I kicked off my shoes and moved so I was lying down. He climbed in beside me, but instead of spooning me, he lay so his head was pillowed on my stomach, his ear against my lower abdomen.

  “What are you doing?” I asked when he pressed his head firmer against me.

  “Trying to hear our sweet pea,” he muttered, his face adorable the way it was scrunched in concentration.

  “You need a doppler for that,” I advised.

  “Crap. Give me your phone.”

  “It’s in my purse.”

  He sat up, grabbed his own phone off the end of the bed, and pressed his head back into my stomach. I stroked my fingers through his hair as he flipped through his phone for a few minutes.

  “I don’t think there is an app for what you want,” I warned when he kept grumbling.

  “Funny. I’m not looking for an app. I’m trying to find the best home doppler so we can hear the baby whenever we want. But all the ones I’m finding won’t let us hear it until nine weeks.” He muttered a curse then clamped his lips shut. “Sorry, little sweet pea. Daddy didn’t mean it.”

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at how he was talking to the baby. A soft giggle escaped me as two tears slipped over my lashes, and I hurriedly wiped them away before he could see them.

  “I can get this one here tomorrow, and we can save it for when you’re nine weeks,” he said as he used his thumb to flip through his phone. “That way we have it on the tour with us.”

  “Whatever you want, babe.”

  He finished checking out then jumped to his knees. Tossing his phone aside, he leaned over me, kissing me softly. “I’m really happy, Kin. I don’t know what to do with all this happiness.” His lips trailed to my jaw and then down my neck. Every part of me that had been soft just moments ago grew tight with arousal, and I began to squirm. “What should I do to keep myself from exploding with it right now, baby?”