by Colbie Kay
“What the fuck is going on?” I growl.
“I’m sorry.” She wipes away a fallen tear. “I never wanted you to find out. This place is where I grew up, where I’ve lived my entire life.”
My brow furrows. “Okay, why do you think I would care where you grew up? Where you live?”
She laughs, but it holds no mirth. “It’s not about that. It’s what I do here. I have sex with the members.”
I swallow hard, my lips press together. It takes a moment before I can say anything. “You have sex with the members,” I repeat, letting it sink in, but I’m completely dumbfounded. “How many of them have you fucked?”
Her lip quivers. “Almost all of them.”
I blow out a deep breath. “You’ve fucked all of those men?” I scoff, shaking my head. I think I’m in shock. “You barely touched me,” I accuse.
She dares to step closer. “Cody.”
I hold my hand out to stop her. “Why didn’t you fuckin’ tell me that? Everything was a lie!”
Her shoulders sag, her voice trembles when she tells me, “It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t want to be this person to you. I wanted to be better. I didn’t want you to learn about this part of my life. I’m sorry. I stayed away, and then we weren’t talking, and I thought…” Her words trail off as she sobs harder.
“Are you sayin’ it’s my fault you came back here?” I laugh, and it rumbles from deep in my chest. “You were so fuckin’ insecure that you had to run back here? You couldn’t think for a fuckin’ second that maybe it was a busy time for me? Unlike you, I didn’t lie. Every goddamn word I spoke was the truth.”
“I’m sorry,” she wails.
My lip turns up in disgust. I can’t stand the sight of her. “I’m glad I found out now before I completely fell in love with you. I’m glad I wasted my time comin’ here to find out what you really are. You make me sick. This whole place makes me fuckin’ sick,” I spit out and storm away. Sliding into the back of Pudge’s car, I lay my head back against the seat. How could I have been stupid enough to believe I fell for this girl in Kansas who I didn’t even know? My heart shatters piece by piece as we drive out of the gate.
“Cody!” I yell and scream as I chase after Pudge’s car. Stopping at the gate, I drop to my knees and cover my face with my hands, rivers of tears streaming down my face.
An arm slides under my legs, and another lays against my back. “I got you, Shug,” Chayser says quietly against my ear. “I got you,” he repeats, scooping me off the ground and into his arms. Lying my head against his chest, I let him carry me as liquid keeps cascading down my cheeks. I cling to him while he carries me through the bar and into his room. He lays me down on his bed, and he climbs in beside me, pulling me into him, not saying a word. Holding me, he lets me cry until my eyes feel heavy, and I’m blanketed by the darkness.
My eyes drift open, I'm still lying in bed with Chayser. I was hoping it was all a bad nightmare, but it wasn’t. My mind replays the disgusted look on Cody’s face over and over again.
Chayer’s fingertips glide up and down my spine, and while I should be grateful to him for his comfort, Cody is all I can think about.
"You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Shug. This life…it’s who you are, and no one should make you feel any less because of it." His tender voice rings in my ears.
I quickly sit up and stare down into his beautiful hazel eyes. "It's not who I am, Chayser, I want more. I’ve always wanted more, but I was too stupid to think I would actually get it."
Chayser has always been my comfort. He's what I know, my normal. Cody's exhilarating, he's heart-racing excitement, he's new and unpredictable. But that heart-racing unpredictable man proved that I’m stuck here unless I find a way out. Who am I kidding? I had my out, but I came back. Maybe I’ll never truly be free from the only life I’ve ever known.
His fingertips caress my cheek before pushing strands of my dark hair behind my ear. "Why can't this be what you want? Why can't I be the one to give you more?"
A gasp falls from my lips. "Chayser—"
His thumb presses against my lips to keep me from saying another word. "I love you, Shug. I'm in love with you and have been for a while."
I jerk away. "You don't love me," I argue in shock, my eyes wide. "You can't love me." My head moves from side to side, attempting to deny his confession.
He sits up, his palms cupping my cheeks. "Why? Why can't I?"
"Because..." I hesitate, but only for a second, "Almost every man in this clubhouse has been inside me. You would never be able to see past that. Cody couldn't, and neither will any other man unless I get the hell away from this city." I jump from his bed and storm out of the room.
His footsteps are pounding against the floor behind me, and his hand reaches out to grab my arm and spin me around to face him. “Stop fuckin’ running from me!”
“Let me go,” I seethe, my glare boring into his.
“I’m not letting you go until you listen. I’m in love with you, Shug, and you have no idea what I can and can’t see past. You don’t think it’s pissed me off every fuckin’ time you’ve gone into a room with someone else? But I stayed quiet until you finally told me you don’t want to be passed around. I put a stop to it. Why do you think none of the guys have been coming for you? I won’t say it’ll be easy, but goddamn it, give me a fuckin’ chance.”
“Look around, Chayser.” I wave my free hand around us. “All of them. Every single one of them. If I give you a chance, can you honestly say you wouldn’t see that every time you looked at them or me?”
His eyes take in every man in the room. “I’m willing to try.” His hands reach around to grip the back of my neck. “One chance, that’s all I’m asking.”
“Chayser,” I gasp as he moves in. His lips smash against mine. His tongue pushing along the seam of my lips, intruding into my mouth when I open a little. I can’t. Pulling away with all the strength I have, my hand moves with a fiery blaze and connects with his cheek. “Don’t ever do that again.” I stomp out of the clubhouse and suck in a deep breath.
I begin walking and don’t stop until I’m outside of the gate. Even though I’m mad as hell at Pudge, I have no one else to call. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I dial her number.
“Sonya?” I hear the worry in her tone.
A fresh set of tears trickle down my cheeks. “Can you come and get me?”
“I’m on my way. I’m sorry, Sonya. I just…I don’t…”
“I know, Pudge.” I end the call.
I keep trekking toward the highway until I finally see headlights.
“What happened?” she asks once I’m settled in her car, and we’re heading back into the city.
I stare out the window as I reply, “Chayser confessed his love for me, and he kissed me.”
Her head snaps to the right to look at me for a brief moment before returning back to the road. “Oh my God!”
“Yep. Did Cody leave?”
“Yeah, they left as soon as we got back to the apartment. It’s all my fault. I was mad that you had gone back to that place, and I’m sorry.”
I lay my head against the cool glass of the window. “I’m mad at myself. I thought he moved on because we hadn’t talked, and when Chayser came over, I was feeling lonely and missed him and everyone at the club. I’m stupid and confused.”
“Do you have feelings for Chayser?”
“No…maybe…I don’t know. I didn’t think I did.”
“What about Cody?”
My chest aches for Cody, and my stomach twists in knots, thinking about him and what he thinks of me now. “I fell for Cody, but now, I’ve lost him, and he’ll never forgive me.”
“He was pretty hurt, but you never know, Sonya.”
“What do I do, Pudge?”
“I can’t tell you that. You have to figure out where your heart lies on your own.”
She’s right. Do I try with a man who’s part of the world I’ve wanted to escape all my life, or do
I take my chance and jump into the unknown?
I drive up the long winding path that leads to the barn and shut my truck off. Gripping the steering wheel, I drop my head to my hands and take a minute to simply breathe. I’m still reeling from what I found out yesterday about Sonya. A million thoughts run rampant in my head, and I have that nagging feeling, wondering how I could be so stupid. Reaching over to the passenger seat, I grab the twelve-pack of beer I bought from the liquor store and get out. The beer isn’t going to make me feel any better, but it’s sure as hell going to allow me to drown my sorrows for a little while.
My intention was to go sit in the loft of the barn, but I notice a light coming from inside the stables. Changing direction, I head for the horses instead. I pass each stall until I find the one where the light is coming from. Peering down, I see the palomino mare we named Beauty, lying on her hay with her eyes open. To my surprise, Maddox is in the corner. “You’re still here?”
He stares down at the horse while his hand moves up and down her leg. “Yeah, the vet came and checked her. Said the baby will be arriving any day now, and I didn’t want her to be alone.”
I grin. “City boy might work out, after all.” I enter the stable and sit beside him. “Here.” I hold a bottle of beer out to him. “Don’t tell anybody.” I’ve been seeing a slow change in Maddox since the first day I met him, and he seems to have bonded with the horses. He might not be too bad.
He takes the bottle and pops the top before taking a drink, grimacing at the taste. “How was the show?” His voice is husky and breathless.
I take a long swig. “92.8.”
“That’s good, right?”
I nod. “Yep, one step closer to makin’ my dream come true.”
“Then why don’t you seem very happy about it?”
“Don’t ever fall in love, Maddox.” My head lolls in his direction. “Women ain’t nothin’ but trouble. They lie and keep secrets, and they’ll rip your heart out.”
“I had a girlfriend back in New York. She was the love of my life, or I thought she was. After I told her I was moving, she moved on,” he huffs.
“Damn, women.”
Maddox holds his bottle up. “Cheers to that.” I clink mine against his.
We continue to sit with Beauty until the sun comes up, but there are no signs of her going into labor yet. I send Maddox home before I enter the house. On my way to the bathroom, I see Momma in the kitchen cooking breakfast. “Hey, Momma.”
She spins to face me with a beaming smile. “Cody!” She quickly strides toward me and envelopes me in her motherly embrace. She pulls back and holds my face in her palms. “What’s wrong?” She’s studying me through narrowed eyes.
“Nothin’. I’m fixin’ to go take a shower.”
“No, you’re fixin’ to sit here and talk to me. You’re my son, and it’s written all over your face that somethin’ is botherin’ you.” Doing as I’m told, I sit down at the table across from her. “Talk to me, Son,” she presses
“I’m questionin’ everythin’ I thought I knew. I had this whole plan and dream, and nothing was goin’ to stop me.” I look down at my hands. “I thought if I could just become number one, I would have everythin’ I ever wanted, but then—”
She cuts me off. “Then, you met that girl.”
“Then, I met that girl.” I nod in agreement.
Her brows knit. “What happened with her?”
I blow out a long breath and slouch in the chair. “She wasn’t the person I thought she was.”
She smiles. “You had one weekend with her and some phone calls, Cody. You can’t expect to know someone that fast. I was with your Daddy for years and still learned new things about him all the time.”
“You don’t understand, Momma.”
Her hand covers mine. “You may not think I understand, but I do. How does it make you feel when you ride those bulls?”
“It’s exhilaratin’. It’s a rush of excitement. It’s a feeling of power.”
“And love is the same way, Cody, but the difference is, those rides only last for eight-seconds. This girl, she could make you feel that way your entire life. I’ve watched you grow into this amazin’ young man that your daddy would be proud of. I’ve never seen you give up on anythin’ in your life. Why are you givin’ up on her without too much of a fight?”
“We’re from two completely different worlds.”
“If you let the worlds collide, maybe, just maybe, you’ll find the ride of your life.” She pats my hand. “Go get some rest, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” She stands and goes back to her cooking.
I stay seated for a moment, thinking about her words. Would Momma still feel the same way if she knew what I found out? Shaking the thoughts out of my head, I trek to the bathroom for a hot shower.
“Come on, Cody!” Jake groans while we’re training.
“Shut the fuck up!” I jump back onto the practicing bull, which is nothing more than a metal barrel hanging from ropes. “Again!”
Jake begins tugging on the ropes to make the barrel move. “What’s your deal, man? The last week you’ve been shit. Your show is this weekend, and if you plan on qualifyin’, you’ve gotta get it together.”
“I know when the damn show is. I don’t know what my problem is. All I can think about is Sonya and all those damn fuckin’ bikers.”
Jake lets the ropes go. “Break. Who are you really pissed at? Her, those bikers, or yourself?”
I jump off the barrel and glare at my best friend. “Why would I be pissed at myself?”
He chuckles. “Because of your damn ego. Let me ask you a question.” He crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the barrel. “How many rides have you had since you were eighteen?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. A lot.”
His eyes move up to the ceiling of the barn. “And out of all the weekends, how many buckle bunnies have you fucked?”
“More than I’d care to remember.”
“Ask yourself this, Cody, how can you be pissed at Sonya for her past when you’ve done no better? Let your ego deflate a bit and think about it.” He steps toward me and lays his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t know her story, and you didn’t listen to anythin’ she had to say. Maybe you should talk to her.”
My eyes narrow accusingly. “You’ve been talkin’ to Pudge?”
“Yeah, we’ve talked. You’re my best friend, Cody, always have been since we were kids, that means I can tell you when you’re bein’ an ass. And right now, you’re an ass. You need to figure it out and quick. Are you goin’ to let it fuck your dream of Vegas, or are you goin’ to talk to her?”
Ignoring his question, I snap, “Let’s get back to practicin’.”
It’s been a month since Cody found out my secret, and I’ve gone through my grieving process. I’ve been sad, I’ve been mad, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been hurt. In the beginning, Chayser and Pudge took the brunt of my moodiness, but then I came into acceptance. I’ve accepted that it was my fault for keeping such a secret, and it was my own fault for going back to the club when I should have stayed the hell away.
For the last month, I’ve been evaluating my life and what I want. I’m not going to settle for anything less, whether that means getting Cody back, moving on with Chayser, or finding someone completely new who may come into my life in the future. I realize I’m not stuck in the life I thought I was, and whatever I want, can be mine. I just have to go for it. For now, I’m focusing on my job at Lady Sinners, and I’m staying away from the clubhouse.
That doesn’t stop Chayser from coming over to the apartment every day to hang out before I have to work, and on my days off, well, we ride his motorcycle for hours on end. It’s as if it finally sank in what I’ve been telling him, I want more. I don’t think he really understood before, but now, he sees how much happier I am away from the club. I don’t think it’ll work out if I were to choose him. His life is with the club, and that will never change.
&
nbsp; A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts. When I open it, Chayser’s gorgeous smile appears. “Hey!” He snakes his arm around my waist and tugs me toward his chest. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I hug him back, and his lips press against the crown of my head. “I thought we could hang out tonight, watch a movie or something.”
Pulling back, I let him inside the apartment and shut the door. “Yeah, we can do that, and I can order some food.”
“Chinese sounds good. Is Pudge here?”
Grabbing my phone off the couch, I search for the restaurant’s number. “No, she has to work late.” I order enough food for Chayser and me and some for Pudge in case she’s hungry when she gets home.
An hour later, we’re halfway through a movie I really haven’t been paying much attention to. My belly is full from all the food, and I keep sneaking glances at Chayser beside me on the couch. “Why do you keep looking at me?” He smirks, still watching the movie.
I whip my head around to glare at him. “What are you talking about? I’m not looking at you?”
His eyes meet mine, and he chuckles. “Don’t lie. You’ve been looking at me through the whole movie.” His tongue slides across his bottom lip while my heart beats a little faster than normal. “C’mere.” Chayser takes my hand in his and tugs me closer. He gets me situated to where I’m straddling his lap, and he raises his hand to run it through my dark hair. “Why were you looking at me?”
Twisting one of his long dreads between my fingers, I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking and wondering…I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me.”
He swallows hard. “You've been thinking and wondering what, Shug?” His voice is quiet, and his hand fists my hair at the back of my neck.
“Wondering and thinking about us. If I did give it a chance, could we make it work?” My pulse races from confessing out loud.