Technically, You Started It

by Lana Wood Johnson

  Step2 bought me two new ones.

  They’re in a garment bag in the corner.

  Hanging in the corner?

  Oh, wait, no, don’t answer that.

  I wouldn’t tell you even if you threatened me.

  I’m now more afraid of you than I am of my grandmother.

  Well, that’s at least something.

  Okay, shoes. Did she buy you shoes too?

  They’re these shiny black things with the smallest laces you’ve ever seen.

  In general you’ll also need slip-on shoes and comfortable walking shoes.

  But the boat shoes should work for slip-ons. Wear those, pack the other two.

  Shouldn’t I wear the comfortable shoes???

  How many times have you been on long-haul flights?

  Ten-ish.

  Well, I’ve only been on four, but clearly I’m better at it than you.

  Wear the slip-ons so you can take them off.

  On the plane?

  Yes! It’s way more comfortable.

  But more importantly for getting through security.

  You’re a freaking genius.

  Of course I am.

  So, pants.

  Two pairs of shorts, one pair of pants.

  Or vice versa.

  Or three pairs of pants, or whatever.

  For ten days?

  Yeah, they’re pants. Worst-case scenario you have your fancy concierge launder them for you for a billion euros.

  The exchange rate isn’t THAT bad.

  But carry on.

  I’m more interested in the “Haley Hancock Method of Overseas Packing” (TM)

  I don’t need to register intellectual property if it’s electronically documented like this.

  But shirts!!!

  I intend on wearing them yes.

  Well, good. I like to pack way more T-shirts than days I’ll be gone.

  Seems excessive compared to your pants philosophy.

  My mom is a shirt minimalist, but I do not agree with her premise.

  I like having a clean shirt to sleep in, so I throw in a few extra.

  That’s pretty much it. Isn’t it?

  Shoes

  Unmentionables

  Pants

  Shirts

  For a guy, yes.

  But don’t forget to pack stuff for the plane.

  Like my iPad and charger?

  Yes, but also get a magazine.

  A magazine?

  You mean the paper kind?

  You know what those are???

  Yes, I know what paper magazines are.

  And they’re awesome for plane rides.

  I’m still talking to Haley … right?

  Haley Hancock?

  Soon to be high school senior?

  Having something that doesn’t glow, or beep, or vibrate can be nice.

  You’re big on sensory aren’t you?

  Not usually, but at the seven-hour point, when I can’t sleep and can’t stare at another screen, I like it.

  I’ll get a magazine tomorrow.

  Also put everything in your carry-on when you leave the house.

  NOTHING in your pockets.

  You’re also one of those people who sneers at anyone who slows down the TSA line.

  SO MUCH!

  WHY CAN THEY NEVER BE PREPARED?

  You must be a JOY to travel with.

  I’m a fricking delight!

  A little forethought makes the whole process easier.

  You’re like the Mary Poppins of air travel.

  For your peace of mind I will attempt forethought.

  Also, put some spare euros in random spots in your bags.

  Pickpockets? Really? You think black cars and five-star hotels have pickpockets?

  I think it’s better safe than sorry.

  Actually it would be a really good idea

  If only I had euros

  You don’t have a safe with foreign currency pre-converted at advantageous rates?

  Who does that???

  Your grampa.

  I read an article about it once.

  Of course you did!

  My father can’t plan ahead like that.

  Well, then, you should consider taking after his father instead.

  But do it when we’re older.

  Keeping a safe with euros seems excessive for an unpaid intern.

  A bit

  Thank you for acknowledging seventeen-year-olds don’t require liquid assets.

  I do try to be mindful.

  People would think I’M the one who has no grasp on reality

  Oh, whatever.

  Go pack.

  Oui, mademoiselle.

  And have fun or I’ll choke you with a dusty gas station croissant.

  Not even a burrito?

  TOO GOOD FOR YOU!

  Don’t forget your promise.

  Yes, yes, wacky antics. I’m on it.

  And, Haley

  What?

  Nothing.

  Goodbye, Martin.

  Au revoir, Haley.

  I know you’re still in Paris.

  I hope you’re having fun.

  I just …

  I wish you were here.

  Bonjour, mon amie!

  I AM ON AMERICAN SOIL!!!

  Not ON soil

  On American tarmac

  Which is basically the same thing.

  Not quite ON the tarmac

  In a plane on the tarmac.

  I haven’t slept in 24 hours

  But got my second wind so that’s something.

  You’re probably still asleep.

  I’m still halfway across the country

  Just wanted to tell you I’m back.

  We’re through customs

  Through security

  About to get on our domestic flight.

  I expected you’d be awake by now.

  I have so much to tell you.

  If you say something after this I won’t answer because I’ll be on yet another plane.

  But home soon.

  I AM IN YOUR TIME ZONE!

  Muahaha third wind.

  I totally have this.

  Not losing my mind.

  You’re at work. Right?

  We’re once more taxiing.

  I’m not worried.

  It’s totally fine that you haven’t answered me yet.

  You’re busy.

  But you’re not going to believe what happened.

  Home!!!

  Home-home.

  Yet I still haven’t heard from you

  So now I’m kind of worried.

  Especially after Friday.

  Please answer?

  What happened???

  This is Haley’s mother. She explained you’re someone she met online who has been overseas for a while.

  Haley is perfectly fine.

  She’s taking some time to consider the consequences of her actions.

  While this means she may not use her phone, she asked me to say that her story will be requisitely wacky for you and that you should not be concerned.

  She will be permitted to speak to you again on Thursday, barring any unforeseen extensions of her punishment.

  We all hope you had a pleasant trip.

  I’M FREE!

  FINALLY FREE! OMG, FREE!

  But I’m at a con.

  So answer when you can, but I may be spotty.

  You got your phone back and immediately went out to break the law?

  What happened while I was in France???

  Not that kind of con.

  A fan convention at the big hotel near the airport.

  The kind with panels and cosplay and time spent with my fellow nerds.

  Your mother took away your phone instead of grounding you from a convention?

  It’s a family tradition.

  But SHE didn’t.

  She DIDN’T let you go??? You snuck into that too?

  No, she didn’t take away my phone. My dad
did. Mom thinks going without technology goes against the Geneva Conventions.

  Yet she let him take away your phone in the first place?

  She also believes in not undermining her spouse. So while she disagreed philosophically, she did nothing to stop it.

  So you pissed off your father?

  More freaked him out.

  He doesn’t get angry, he gets scared and then freaks and then does things and then regrets them. And in between are the lectures.

  Soliloquies really on his reasoning behind what he did and what I should learn from each given situation.

  My mom gets mad, but she’s more psychological about it.

  Eternal guilt rather than hard labor or restrictions.

  Sounds painful.

  Could be worse.

  Trust me.

  I do.

  You see

  YOU still have the full complement of parents you started the month with

  While I’m down one parental unit.

  Oh! Did something happen?

  Nothing news van worthy.

  Step2 opted to remain in France to “develop relationships” with “overseas investors.”

  Okay, I get the scare quotes on the first part.

  What am I supposed to infer from the second?

  That I may not actually know how to use scare quotes.

  Let’s just say my father decided to interview “au pairs” while we were abroad

  Fancy nannies? I didn’t know you had siblings.

  I don’t …

  Oh.

  OOOOOH!

  Oh no! I’m so sorry!

  Not like it was a surprise.

  You called it before we left.

  I never in a million years thought it’d be real.

  This is what he does.

  It was already bad

  He just exploded it.

  Yeah, I get that.

  It is what it is.

  Are you okay? Like, is he okay?

  I’m at my mother’s now.

  Except she ALSO broke up with her boyfriend.

  The one who wants you to like him?

  Oh man. She must be so sad.

  Worse.

  What’s worse than sad?

  My father has also opted to spend the weekend at my mother’s.

  And that’s bad?

  Worse than a nineteen-year-old au pair for your seventeen-year-old son.

  She was nineteen?!?

  And Swiss.

  That’s so skeezy!

  I told you

  Explosions

  Now he has to pull everyone into the blast radius.

  So we’re in the revenge-hookup/booty-call/vomit-inducing parent together time that may now officially be considered a tradition.

  At least until THAT explodes

  All over me.

  Oh, that’s awful.

  I have a large closet if you’d like to run away from home.

  I may take you up on that.

  I’ll move some of my clothes.

  What about you?

  What about me?

  Why were you separated from your phone for four days?

  Six days.

  Six days?

  Is this related to one of Lexi’s Friday Fundays???

  It’s ridiculous. You won’t want to hear it.

  Your mother said it was requisitely wacky.

  She did not. Did she really say “requisitely”?

  She did.

  Oh no! She did!!! So embarrassing!

  But you’re trying to distract me from what I really want to know.

  Caught that, did you?

  Not going to work.

  Okay, fine. Before you get the story though, I need to know you’re ready to compensate me for it.

  Musty

  Tired

  Warm

  A little like the river

  But also like almonds.

  Mmmmmmmm.

  Three different tourists took a picture of me smelling the place.

  It was so embarrassing.

  What did you do, walk in the door and just breathe?

  Yes!

  Weirdo. You could have gone into a corner.

  You wanted the authentic experience!

  I want the authentic experience for myself!

  I’m stuck living vicariously through you.

  Though, imagining you smelling a bookstore is kinda hilarious.

  Trust me

  However you’re imagining it is wrong.

  You didn’t, by chance, get one of those other tourists’ pictures of you … did you?

  No … I sent you a postcard instead.

  I know! I got it! Freaked my mom out.

  A postcard freaked your mother out?

  She thought it was junk mail.

  She was trying to figure out why a French bookstore was trying to market to me.

  Your mother read my postcard.

  Well, yeah, that’s the thing about non-tech. Everyone can see it.

  I didn’t say anything embarrassing

  Right?

  Nope, just something about the Awful Tower.

  We went to the top.

  Paris was both very large and very small from there.

  I thought you weren’t going to have time for touristing.

  It wasn’t touristing.

  Turns out they have a champagne bar up there.

  Schmoozing at the top?

  Monsieur Eiffel did not plan for ladies in fancy dresses at the top in the wind

  But they were all happy pointing out various tryst locations in the city for me as they held down their skirts.

  Ewww. Well, I had to hear all about how Mom knew someone who knew someone or was related to someone who lived near there.

  Sounds …

  Don’t try to describe my family. Slippery slope.

  If you don’t try to describe mine.

  Never!

  Tell me your wacky adventure.

  Later. Panel’s starting.

  I am so freaking tired.

  I just have to point out

  You texted me this early

  I did not text you

  I do not need to be told anything about anyone’s hormones.

  I’m too tired for that. Plus, my brain is full of nerd.

  Worse than usual?

  WAY WORSE!

  You have no idea.

  Why are you awake already?

  Nerding! I told you.

  That con?

  Yeah.

  Are you in cosplay?