Technically, You Started It
Page 10
Uh, no. I mean, I’ve got my wig and some makeup on, but I’m not a cosplayer.
My parents’ friends are. They’re way cool.
A bunch of them are coming as Drunken Sailors today.
Navy?
Sailor Moon.
You mean anime?
Yeah, the Sailor Jupiter is on point.
I think I need to see that.
You wish you were that lucky.
I have to work now
But you ARE going to tell me about your wacky antics today.
Oh, yeah, after this panel.
You said that last time.
Sorry, I got distracted.
I really mean it this time.
How long will this panel take?
An hour.
Same as my run.
Okay, later.
Sorry, that went long. I promise I’m not avoiding you. I went to get some tea.
Tea?
Yeah, I like tea? You gonna make something of it?
Sorry too busy
I’m getting in my car.
Again?
Some of us work for a living.
They’re not even paying you.
Some people waste their lives for invaluable business experience they can put on their résumé.
Okay, drive safe.
Always!
Lunchtime!
I’ll skip my next panel for you.
Anything good?
Not that I want you to go
You’ve already put me off forever.
Ehn, it was only okay.
They were talking about dystopians and I’ve already read all those.
You don’t want to talk about them?
You usually like talking about the things you read.
If they went for Thomas More, I could get behind it.
You are NOT distracting me with English philosophers!!!!!!!!
Spill.
Okay, fine.
So, Sarah, Chloe, and Lexi came over.
Was it a wild party?
Do you want the story or not?
Just help me out here
Did you have a pillow fight?
YOU ARE NOT GETTING A STORY.
I’ll be good.
Proper expectations have now been set.
Go on.
I’ll be good!!!
Promise!!!!!
Okay, so, Sarah, Chloe, and Lexi came over to watch some Netflix.
What’d you watch?
Nothing important.
What IS important is that we wanted pancakes.
Who doesn’t want pancakes?
I know, right?
Okay, so my mom had said it was all right if I drove her car.
What kind of car?
A Camry.
An old lady car?
Yeah, but I like it. More importantly, it’s an automatic.
…
Right.
So, she and my dad went somewhere. I don’t even know where. But they were gone …
In her car.
Why?
They always take Mom’s car.
Your mother lets your father drive her car?
Uh, no. She drives.
Your father lets your mother drive him around?
“Lets” is a very strong word.
“Accepts that if he wants to go anywhere with her, she’ll be driving” is a better way to put it.
If you were anyone else … I’d be confused
But I think this is starting to make sense.
I told you, we’re special.
Go on.
So, I had permission. Just not for Dad’s car. But we REALLY needed chocolate chip pancakes. It was vital.
Pancakes often are.
CHOCOLATE CHIP pancakes.
Sorry
Chocolate chip pancakes always are.
What’s the deal with your father’s car?
It’s …
Uh …
It’s a stick.
You do or do not know how to drive a manual transmission?
I have practiced driving a manual in a very empty parking lot.
Did you hit something?
In the parking lot? No.
I don’t mean in the parking lot.
I may have, kinda, sorta, a little bit, nudged the garage door slightly.
You didn’t!!!
Lexi was yelling at me to push the “handle” while Sarah and Chloe would NOT shut up in the back seat.
I got so confused I pressed down on the gearshift and couldn’t even tell I’d finally gotten the car in reverse.
It hadn’t been, I swear, my foot only came off the brake for like half a second before I popped it back into neutral!
You OK?
Everyone’s okay. Everything’s okay.
Except the door. It’s kinda bent and it was hard to open.
Dad had to knock it back into shape.
What about the car???
Did you hurt his poor car?
You mean his crappy Jetta? No.
Okay.
A little.
But not enough to notice unless you’re really looking hard.
You hurt his car AND the garage?
It’s not my fault!
It’s Chloe and Sarah’s!
They were making so much noise and bouncing around!
And Lexi for not even knowing the difference between a gearshift and a handle.
They distracted me!!!
You couldn’t even get the car in gear?
Nothing made sense.
The car wasn’t going anywhere, which is good because I knew the sound wasn’t right.
I was freaking out because nothing was doing what it was supposed to.
All the while they were chanting “Pancakes” and laughing in the back seat and I knew I couldn’t disappoint anyone.
Because chocolate chip pancakes.
Right!
Well, as we were all staring at the very minuscule damage, my parents came home.
Uh-oh.
I didn’t have a chance to turn the car off or push it back where it goes or figure out something to do about the door.
And, thus, my dad freaked.
Sounds like everyone freaked.
Mom didn’t. Well, she probably did after, but she was really calm.
She tried to calm Dad down too, but he’d already said no phone for a week.
That sucks.
Yeah, but it could have been worse.
Mom drove Chloe, Sarah, and Lexi home.
No pancakes?
No pancakes. But there was no way I was ever going out after that anyway.
Your parents were THAT upset?
No, I was THAT freaked out. Like worse than Dad.
He came into my room later and explained he was more worried about me having an accident without him.
And then he wanted to take me practicing.
Late at night?
No.
Later.
But I’m not ready.
I was so freaked out.
Still kinda am.
Like, crying a little just telling you about it.
I don’t want to drive his crappy car again.
That doesn’t sound like you.
What? Avoiding horrible things?
Giving up on a challenge.
No one needs to drive a manual.
They’re unnecessarily complicated.
You’re totally giving up.
I’m not giving up!
Are too.
What? Like you can drive a manual?
In fact I can.
Figures.
You shouldn’t give up.
I’ll think about it.
That means you’ll do it.
Was this story wacky enough for you?
You didn’t even make it out of your garage …
Yeah. I probably should have tried harder.
You tried hard enough.
I’ll count it as wacky
Especially with Sarah and Chloe involved.
Well, good.
Look, I have to go. It’s almost time for the next panel.
While I must deliver the updated door measurements to the custom design troll to complete this quest.
Not how this works.
Hush. I’m arming my blunderbuss.
Not how any of this works!
I’ve completed my internship dailies and was granted freedom after earning my ice cream achievement.
Where’d you get ice cream?
From my mother
She took me to the parlor we used to go to when I was little to “have a chat.”
Uh-oh. More scare quotes.
That chat wasn’t BAD.
We’re going to fireworks Monday
With my father.
Ick. Fireworks.
But that doesn’t sound scare quote worthy.
…
We’ll see.
What are you learning about next?
Time travel.
How to?
Why not.
Moral implications?
Nah, no one here cares about that.
More how it’s just flat-out ridiculously impossible.
That seems
I don’t know
Antithetical to a geek discussion?
Yes and no.
You don’t understand my people.
Explain to me your ways.
Well, we like to argue about things that are impossible.
I’ve experienced this.
So, okay, this is kind of one of my mom’s things.
She calls it “controlling for variables.”
Like in math?
Yeah, kinda.
Sorta like limits in calculus, only for social situations or for impossible physics stuff.
Ewwww … summer calculus.
Well, it’s imaginary calculus.
Isn’t all calculus imaginary?
Theoretical isn’t imaginary.
But some numbers are imaginary.
You’re imaginary.
Never mind, you don’t deserve my culture.
I really don’t.
So what’s your deal with fireworks?
I’m against them.
Any reason?
Other than the loud part?
How about the dangerous part?
They’re not THAT dangerous.
How about the exploding part?
Sparklers? You can’t possibly hate sparklers.
I don’t HATE sparklers.
But?
Don’t really see the point of them.
The point is that they sparkle!
Yeah.
And?
I’m not sure if I’m ever going to entirely get you.
Nope, still wrapped in bacon.
Mmmmmm … bacon.
See?
So, what are you doing this weekend?
Dunno.
Family time
Sitting around
Might check out stuff happening around town
Not going to Chloe’s epic party?
Jack said a bunch of everybody is going
Tomorrow night, right?
Sarah definitely is, and Lexi is still deciding, I guess.
What about you?
And miss Masquerade? No way!
Is that a ball???
Do you wear a frilly dress and dance with masked strangers?
No, I sit in the back and watch people who are dressed like anime and Disney characters walk the runway.
This sounds equally fun?
About what I’d be doing at Chloe’s, but with more people I like … but maybe fewer princesses.
Touché.
Okay, gotta go. Time for another panel.
Talk to you later I guess.
WHY IS YOUR COUSIN HERE?
My cousin ISN’T there.
Oh, right.
WHY IS THE BURRITO CLOWN HERE?
Is it possible your clown exchanged money for a ticket?
He’s been known to do such things in the past.
It’s a badge, not a ticket.
He purchased a badge then.
He’s sitting in my session. He’s like two rows in front of me.
Is there a law against this?
No, but …
No.
???
It’s just weird.
Why would he come to MY CON?
Maybe he’s interested in your culture.
He’s not even paying attention. He’s playing with his phone.
And what are you doing?
This is different!
Really?
You’re useless.
Entirely.
He sat next to me the whole last session.
That sounds terrible for you.
Do you think he’s stalking me?
I thought maybe you’d said something to him after that Sarah and Chloe thing because I hadn’t seen him in a while. But then he was back at the store on Wednesday.
And he was being really strange, like he had something to say, but didn’t.
Now he’s here.
You have to admit, it’s not totally irrational.
Or he figured that since you knew each other it would be less awkward to sit together?
That’s what he said.
But do you think he meant it?
Why wouldn’t he mean it?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything.
It’s definitely not less awkward.
Why didn’t you tell the burrito clown you hate him and run away?
I couldn’t. We talked about the session instead.
And he didn’t betray you or any of your friends in ANY way?
No, but I really have no clue what he’s doing here.
He’d never even heard of Orphan Black.
I had to tell him who Helena was.
Poor dope.
You don’t even know who Helena is, do you?
I do now.
Google doesn’t count.
Where is he?
Do you have eyes on?
No, and stop using gamer terms, it’s nerdier than I am.
He went to get lunch I think.
Probably eating a burrito.
Probably.
Let me know if he comes back.
I hope not.
He has literally been following me around all afternoon.