The End of the Innocence

by Jason Zandri

  Matthew stopped walking away. “That’s it, isn’t it?”

  Liz stopped and lowered her hand into the water and stared at him blankly.

  “What you do to me intentionally … you do that ‘back’ to me. There’s something I do, or it’s just me in general, that evokes an emotional response from you.” Matthew took half a step forward. “Look, I didn’t mean to … I mean … we’ve known each other forever. Some feelings are tough to get away from. However, I never abuse it. I know what we mean to one another

  —friendship-wise—and then some.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said with an irritated frown. “I enjoy exciting you and getting a response from you … and other men. Beyond that, it’s mainly meaningless.”

  Matthew studied her. She’d never confess or own up to anything more.

  “Of course,” he said with a smile. “And my response was—”

  “A handful,” she said, with some of her earlier emotional response returning. “Luckily …” She traced both hands across the ocean surface. “I didn’t have to go far to wash off my handful.”

  Matthew smiled at her, and she returned it.

  “Shall we meet out here again, tomorrow?” she said.

  Matthew dropped his playful look. “As much as I enjoyed your attention, if I’m formally here with Donna tomorrow, then no.”

  “You can say no to me?” she said, still with that playful smile.

  “Honestly?” Matthew watched Liz. “Probably not. Given that, I’ll have no choice but to keep my distance.”

  Initially, Liz frowned and looked confused at how to take his comments and how to respond, but then a slow and sly smile crept across her face.

  Matthew smiled, turned away, and headed back to shore.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Matthew pulled away from Tim’s place on Valley Street and turned left up the steep hill to West Side Field. He took the right turn onto East Street and looked at Melissa in the mirror. Usually, she came up front once Tim got out, but not today.

  Matthew flicked his gaze down and checked the time on the clock, which read a little past nine. Then he turned into the parking lot.

  Melissa barely looked out of the window and grabbed at her things around her seat. “Are you planning to make me walk down to Carlton Street from here?”

  “Of course not,” Matthew said and shut off the van. Then he turned to the side in his captain chair to look at her directly. “What’s going on with you today? You’ve been bi-polar all day. Happy half the time and upset the other half.”

  Melissa fidgeted and tugged at her pullover, fussed with her hair, and then tried to look in the rearview mirror, and finally fished through her bag for her brush.

  “I presume you’re coming tomorrow and not seeing Paul tonight,”

  Matthew said, looking at her affectionately and watching her comb out her hair.

  “No, I’m not seeing him tonight. I have to comb out this rat’s nest of sand and salt water, or I’ll look like hell tomorrow too.” She sounded agitated.

  Matthew looked at her hair. “I get it, I suppose. You look fine. At least, I think you do.”

  “Ugh.” Melissa huffed and pulled more of her hair with the brush.

  “What?” Matthew asked. “I meant that.”

  “Of course you did; Matthew can do no wrong.”

  “What the hell is going on with you?” Matthew said.

  ***

  Melissa looked up at him, half mad and half upset. She dialed it back because she knew she was out of line. “Forget it. I’m sorry. Long day. I had fun, and I want to go tomorrow, but I’m tired a little and cranky. Too much sun and then too much pizza …”

  “Anything else?” Matthew asked quietly.

  A small grin stretched her lips. “Well, I’m feeling a little crampy ahead of my monthly visitor …”

  Matthew winced. “I have to be the only male that gets subjected to this.

  Alecia and Carrie are getting to be TMI with me, too.”

  “What can we say,” she said in a soft voice and moved up to the front seat. “We trust you. You’re a nice guy. You defend us. You never judge any of us.” She sat in the passenger captain-chair sideways to face him and dropped her bag forward.

  Matthew looked at her and stared.

  “Nothing to say?” Melissa asked. “I figured you’d chime in with one of your pearls of wisdom. We’ll have to start writing them down. Sanfordisms or something like that.”

  Matthew shook his head. “No, I was waiting to see what you were going to say next.”

  “You’re humble, generally,” she said. “Did I miss something pertinent?”

  “No,” he said and leaned backward.

  “Oh, no,” she said in a mischievous tone and raised an eyebrow upwards.

  “Okay, I’m invoking friendship rules. You have to come clean with what you’re thinking.”

  “You have to know the rule number,” Matthew said with a grin.

  Melissa scrunched up her nose, and then rested her hands on her knees.

  “Four,” she said. “Unless divulging would break a trust, friends must speak what’s on their mind.”

  “That rule can only be invoked once a day,” Matthew said with a glance at the clock. “Time limit?”

  “Next five minutes,” she said, feeling bold. “Communication. Just the facts and no hurt feelings—go!”

  “Okay,” Matthew said, and then gave a slight sigh. “I got to thinking about the way you and the girls—”

  “The guys do too; you’re like their rock,” Melissa said.

  Matthew held up his hand, “Okay.” He shifted in his seat. “I was thinking about just the girls, and two things dawned on me.”

  “Go on,” Melissa said, anxious to hear the rest.

  “I realized that as nice as it was to hear, that you and the girls appreciate me, and how and where I stand, it dawned on me that your opinions of me were the ones that mattered the most.”

  Melissa smiled warmly. She started to reach over but then hesitated when she thought of Paul.

  “Paul,” Matthew said, noticing her aborted movement. He looked deep into her eyes. “It’s okay, I understand.” Matthew looked to his left, out

  through the windshield, and then back to her. “So, what were you so miffed about today?”

  Melissa breathed in to respond, but Matthew jumped back. “And you can’t simply say, ‘dumb bitch Liz’ like you always do. I want you to tell me specifically what about her tagging along pissed you off today because I know that’s what it was in general.”

  Melissa deflated her lungful of air and mulled over what she wanted to say. “Okay. Honestly? No holds barred? No guilt involved? I speak my free mind and, … you keep me as your best friend?”

  “Yes,” Matthew said without hesitation.

  Melissa flinched a little. She had tossed in the last part of her comment on a lark, and it didn’t faze Matthew at all; he answered it wholeheartedly.

  “Okay,” she said and sat upright. “It pisses me off the way Liz is. Donna and Marie go to school with her at Lyman Hall, and they hate how she is.

  She’s conceited and inconsiderate. You made plans with Donna for tomorrow

  —”

  “I made plans with everyone,” Matthew said.

  “Yes.” Melissa tipped her head. “But you asked her in the vein of having her come specifically. Yes, you’d go if she couldn’t, and she could have tagged along with Liz, but you asked her specifically, so it’s sort of like a public date.”

  “I wouldn’t presume to debate your point,” he said, and a smug grin stretched his lips.

  “You would lose,” Melissa said with a smile. “I mean, you’d only just finished asking her to go, and Liz had to follow you all the way out to the water. Good thing when you came back out and cozied up to Donna. You scored back lost points …”

  A brief, unsettled look crossed Matthew’s face. Melissa asked, “What happened out the
re anyway?”

  “Oh, you know, just chit chat; you know Liz,” Matthew said a bit too quickly.

  Melissa pointed to the clock. “It’s never just chit chat with her; not since seventh grade when she got kicked out of Dag Hammarskjold Middle School for making out in the stairwell. You’re inside the five minutes.”

  “No holds barred? No guilt involved? I speak my free mind, and you keep me as your best friend?”

  “Yes,” she said, nervous. “Of course … to the end of our days.”

  “She made a pass at me,” Matthew said all in a rush.

  Melissa could only give him a blank stare. She didn’t want to hear the rest. Still, she had to ask, “How?”

  “Are you sure—”

  “How?” she said.

  “Under the water …” Matthew looked down and then away. He looked embarrassed. “I wanted to stop her and say ‘no’ but the second she touched me ...”

  “You had sex with her in the ocean? In plain sight of everyone?” Melissa said with a roar.

  “No, no, no!” Matthew held his hands up. “No.” He squirmed in his seat.

  “Firstly, I’ve never done that … I’m still … well … you know.”

  A look of relief washed over Melissa’s face.

  Matthew rubbed his chin. “She reached for my swim trunks under the water and touched me. It excited me. As much as I wanted her to stop, I wanted her to keep going. And she did. She reached inside.”

  “And?” Melissa asked.

  “And eventually I couldn’t take what she was doing anymore and I …

  well … you know.” Matthew said with a slight smile.

  “Eeeww. In the water?” Melissa said and puckered up her face.

  “What?” Matthew said. “It’s the Atlantic Ocean, not a pool. There’s a ton of salt in the water already, and all the marine life, large and small, do far more than what I did in there.”

  Melissa burst out laughing, and Matthew looked happy to have the tension broken, then he laughed along with her.

  He glanced over at the clock, and Melissa followed his gaze. It went past the five-minute mark.

  “So have you ever?” he asked. “You know … with a boy?”

  “No,” she said. “Second base is as far as I let them go. If I touch them when we kiss, it’s always on the outside of their pants, if at all.” She looked over at him and then at the clock. “So never?”

  “No,” Matthew said. “I never tried entirely, so I don’t know if I could have or not. I never went in prepared, you know, carrying a condom or anything, so I don’t know.”

  “Third base?” she asked.

  Matthew turned up the corner of his mouth slightly, and Melissa asked nothing further.

  “So, I know we’re past our time and all, but why does my interest with Liz bother you?” He started the van and turned around to face forward. “At some level, it’s always bothered you. You’re the one with the steady boyfriends since ninth grade; why the big deal with who I’m infatuated with?”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged and sat forward. “Maybe because I know it’s an infatuation and risky that I don’t want your feelings hurt. Maybe I think you’re this awesome person that deserves someone who can appreciate all of you and what you offer to them.”

  “She doesn’t?” He dropped the van into drive.

  “Hell no,” she answered loudly. “I suppose there’s someone for everyone, but she doesn’t deserve you.”

  “And you do?” He looked at her.

  Melissa turned red and said, “I never said I did. And I’m seeing someone.”

  “You never said you didn’t either,” Matthew said. He waited for her to follow up more, but she stayed quiet the remaining two blocks to her house.

  Once there, Matthew turned off the van and hopped out. He grabbed the leftover pizza for her to take in, and she grabbed her things. The two of them walked toward the door of her mother’s apartment. At the house, the curtains moved and came to rest. Matthew turned to Melissa.

  She opened the front door and dropped her things inside. Matthew stepped inside to set the carryout pizza box down.

  “So, tomorrow then?” he said.

  “Yep,” she said with a smile and a too-bright look in her eyes.

  Matthew stood at the door and gazed down into her eyes. He took half a step forward. Then immediately stepped back.

  “Okay,” he said and leaned toward the outside. “I’ll see you then.”

  “Matthew.” Melissa reached for his arm.

  He turned around, looked right into her eyes, and stared.

  Melissa took a breath. “When we were talking just before, and I said how we girls thought of you, you said ‘two things dawned on me.’ You only told me one. I’d like to know what the other thing was.”

  Matthew breathed in deeply. “Do you remember when we first met, in fifth grade?”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “The kind things you said about me, about what you and the girls thought.

  … Well, it only mattered to me what you thought.”

  “Yes, you told me that,” she said softly. “What was the other thing?”

  “I though how nice and warm it made me feel that you thought those good things of me. Like in fifth grade when you used to tell me I was the nicest boy you’d ever met. All at once, I realized that somewhere along the way, in middle school I think, you stopped saying it. I realized I missed it, and I hoped I still was that ‘boy’ to you.”

  “You remember that?” A flood of emotion poured over Melissa, and she struggled to keep herself in check. “I still feel exactly that way about you.”

  “It’s nice to know that.” Matthew smiled, took two steps backward, and called out, “See you tomorrow.”

  Then he hustled around the van and got in. Melissa closed the front door, pressed her right hand on it, left it there, and just stared at it.

  Once she couldn’t hear the sound of the engine anymore, she burst into tears.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The last September sunset dropped beyond the horizon. Michael Anderson lay on the hood of his car. Tim and Matthew sat on the roof of Matthew’s van.

  “What time are we picking up the girls?” Michael asked, looking at his watch.

  “I told them we’d come by around seven-thirty,” Matthew said. “The movie doesn’t start until nine-thirty. Do we want to eat before or after?”

  “Why not both?” Tim said with a chuckle and picked through his wallet.

  “Girls are killing me.”

  “You earn decent money,” Michael said and looked up at the two of them.

  “Your budgeting sucks.”

  Tim looked down with a scowl. “Screw you, man,” he said in a half-kidding, half-serious tone. “My dad might be a mechanic, but I still need parts for my car; those aren’t cheap.”

  Matthew waved Michael off behind Tim’s back and spoke up, “Not for anything, Tim,” he said in a soft and defusing tone. “Michael’s sharp. He helped me streamline some of my costs for the lawn business, such as it is.

  Saved me about five hundred in taxes, insurance, and fees. He understands this stuff really, really well.”

  Tim nodded. Matthew looked around him to Michael.

  “Sure,” Michael said. “Sometime over the weekend or something … I could try to help you out.”

  “Thanks,” Tim said.

  Matthew turned to the guys, “You know what we haven’t done in a while? Two-hand touch at the Pierce Plant … it’s been forever since we played a pick-up game on the front lawn.”

  Both boys nodded, and then Michael said, “We need to fix that; this is likely the last hurrah for that … you know, into the winter and then the spring.”

  Matthew nodded. “What’s the deal for tonight then? We can deal with the grudge match rematch some other day.”

  “So Lesley and Patti wanted to see Top Gun,” Michael said. He hopped off the hood of his car. Matthew climbed down from the roof of the van an
d circled around.

  “Again?” Tim asked. “What else is playing at The Twin?”

  “Aliens,” Matthew said. “Donna wants to see it.”

  “I doubt Lesley will go for it,” Michael said.

  “I miss going to the Center Cinema,” Matthew said while he walked away. He took his gaze from the sunset and looked toward Whirlwind Hill Road. “This town is changing. I guess we are too.”

  “What do you mean?” Tim asked, then jumped off the roof of the van and glanced down at his watch.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Matthew said, staring off and then turning around. “I guess I’ve just been thinking a bit. It seems like yesterday that I moved here and met you guys. Now we’re wrapping up our last year of high school. I wonder what’s next.”

  “See that, Sandman.” Tim came up alongside, wrapped his arm around Matthew’s shoulder, and turned him back toward the sunset with his six-footfive frame. “That sunset there is the end. Not ‘of everything’ but just ‘the day.’ We have all of tomorrow to do something awesome too or nothing at all. We get to choose.”

  Michael ambled over, looking intently into the twilight in the western sky.

  “That was profound,” he said.

  Tim and Matthew looked over at him, expecting some sort of punch line.

  “No, really,” Michael said. “It was a simple statement. After all, it was Tim.” He smirked.

  “There it is.” Tim pointed and grinned.

  “Seriously,” Michael said. “I have to say, I know I’ve had an above average life with my adoptive parents and all, and the money they have. …

  But they live wisely; fully and completely inside of each day. The money makes it easier but it’s not the whole thing, so to speak.”

  “What do you mean?” Matthew asked.

  “Well, they obviously did a lot of planning for their future, which is now more of their present; they’re older than your parents, Tim. But it seems like no matter how much they planned forward, they always did something ‘for today.’” He made finger quotes in the air.

  “Sounds smart,” Matthew said.

  “It is.” Michael stepped forward and ahead of where the two of them stood. “People spend so much time chasing money … it’s insane. I want to earn whatever I think I’ll need, and live off it the rest of my life. That’s the point: you live.”