by Zachary Ryan
I turned to him. “Mom kicked us out. She told us that I had to choose her or you. It was her family’s house, and she would only have her family in that home,” I said. I stood up. “She made us pack up our shit and leave, dad. Why aren’t you more upset about this?” I asked.
He sighed. “There’s somethings you don’t understand. I know when you get older, maybe you’ll come to forgive your mother.”
I turned to look at him. “Don’t you get that I almost got shot because of her?” I asked, with a stern voice in my head.
I pointed to the screen. “Dad, I could have been that eleventh kid,” I said. I knew that I had been running late to school, because my mom gave us the ultimatum that morning. I didn’t even see it coming.
I ended up choosing my father’s side. My mother cried and hugged me. She told me that I was her greatest disappointment, and I would regret what I was doing. She ended up telling us to grab a couple of things, and I could pick up the rest later.
I had missed first period, but I walked into the school right after the bell rang. I opened the door, and he was standing right there. I saw Gabe pulling the trigger on students. I heard the screams flooding the halls. I saw the pure evil in his eyes. I quickly hid because I didn’t want to believe that Gabe had that power inside of him. There was no way that someone that I’ve become best friends with would do that.
I came back to the present. My dad walked over and pulled me into a hug. “I don’t want you to have hatred for your mother. She didn’t do anything wrong here,” he said.
I looked at him. “I find you so damn weak,” I said to him. I grabbed a box that was mine and stormed into my new room and slammed the door shut. I needed some time to myself.
I opened the box and started pulling out all of my clothes. “Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time impressing people, you would have realized that I was crying for help,” Gabe said.
I turned to look at him standing there with bruises across his face. I knew he wasn’t real because the police had taken his life to stop the madness. “You’ve always been the type of person to blame your problems on everyone else. It’s what made you so damn fucking weak,” I said. I knew that Gabe didn’t deserve any type of sympathy from anyone.
He smirked and walked over to me. “You always thought you were better than all of us. Have you even told anyone what’s happening to you?” he asked.
I looked at him. “Oh, how you told us you were going to shoot up the fucking school? I get that life’s hard, but it doesn’t give you the right to do what you did.”
“I kept getting bullied by so many assholes in that school.”
I rolled my eyes, while putting clothes on a hanger and in my closet. “We live in fucking Rockford. You could have just bolted out of here in the next couple of months.” I turned to look at Gabe. “Only monsters hurt other people.”
Gabe walked up to look at me in the face. “Ben, you’ve always tried to be the leader of this group.” He looked around. “I guess you really haven’t realized how far you’ve fallen or how much of your life was bullshit. Maybe I should give you a gun, I bet you’re going to be the next one to need it.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes, and I didn’t see Gabe standing there. I took a seat on the edge of the bed. I knew that I couldn’t let his words get to me. I knew this was grief for his death. I felt myself shaking because I was filled with so much turmoil. Did I have a right to grieve a friend that was viewed by so many to be the definition of a monster?
Chapter Five
Lane
I walked into my house to see my parents sitting in the living room. I dropped my bag, and I wanted nothing more than to avoid having a conversation with them. “I have a bunch of homework to do,” I said.
My mom looked at my father. She got off the couch. “That’s weird,” she said. “We got an email from your principal informing us that there would be no homework this week to get you all adjusted back to school life.” She grabbed my hand and towed me to the couch.
My dad reached out and patted my knee. “How are you feeling today?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes. I felt the urge to touch my left wrist. I didn’t know why it was a habit. It happened almost a year ago. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just move on from it. They caught me in time. “Dad, I’m fine. It was tough being there because of all the stares,” I said. I knew it was uncomfortable having all eyes on me. I knew Zachary, Cass, and Ben were used to it. They were popular, and I was just their quiet friend. I think that was why Gabe and I bonded. We were both of the ones people forgot about. I knew that I wasn’t like Gabe, because I wasn’t bullied as much as he was.
“It will get easier,” she said. She got up off the couch. “I don’t know the feelings you’re dealing with. I wish that I could make things easier for you, but I’m stuck feeling lost.” I could tell that my mother was just trying to be strong for me, but there was no handbook for any of this.
My dad smiled. He was trying to distract me from seeing my mother being so vulnerable. He picked up a flyer off the coffee table. “Why don’t we go to the LGBT film festival this weekend in the city?” he asked. “We could stay in the city, and you could go to Center on Halstead. Maybe you’ll meet a boy,” he said.
I groaned and leaned back into the pillow. “I don’t want to be anywhere near a cute guy if you two are going to hound them if they’re going to be good to me,” I said. Plus, I wasn’t ready to meet someone else, especially, after losing Colby.
My mom turned to look at me. “You deserve to be happy, dear.” She walked over to sit down with us again. “You’ve had enough heartbreak in your life. We just want you to have something that will be good for you. Is that so wrong?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Mom, you don’t have to make a big deal out of everything.” I stood up. “I want you guys to stop acting like I need to scream to the mountain tops that I’m gay.” I knew that after I tried to kill myself, that my parents tried over and over again to tell me they were proud of me being gay. Too bad I wasn’t proud of myself.
My dad pulled out a giant rainbow flag from the closet. “So, we won't be waving this to get guys’ attention?” he asked.
I looked at the pure confusion on his face, and I just laughed. My dad had been completely clueless on how to raise me, but he did it with so much love, that it was okay he looked like an idiot sometimes. I got off the couch and walked up to him and hugged him. “We can wave the flag as hard as you want this weekend.” I walked over to the stairs. I knew I was trying to comfort them for their own mistakes against me.
“You know that they’ll love you for you, right?” my mom asked.
I turned to her. “I don’t think my friends can handle it right now,” I said.
“Why not?”
“They don’t need to be disappointed by someone else for not being their true selves to them.” I walked up the stairs and closed the door. I walked over to my bed. I felt like the walls were closing in. I opened my nightstand and pulled out a blade. I held it in my hand and closed my eyes.
“Do you think Colby would have wanted this for you?” Gabe asked.
I looked up to see him standing there. I felt rage inside of myself. I stood up and stormed toward him. “You don’t get to mention his name.”
Gabe smirked. “Maybe next time, you should have been open about your relationship, and I would have spared him,” he said.
“Fuck you, Gabe,” I screamed. Gabe had no right to have a smug smile or blame me for what he did to Colby. I sat back on the bed. “You could have come to us with your feelings. We would have understood.”
“Like you’ve come out to your friends. It’s better to keep it in until you explode.”
I turned to him. “No, it’s not. Look at what happened to you when you exploded.”
“And yet, you’ve continued to keep it in. Have fun mourning someone that you kept in secret for so long,” he said.
I turned and gr
abbed my phone. I pulled up a picture of me and Colby. I then looked at his last text he would ever send to me. I wished I could have been proud of myself. I wished I had the strength to come out, but I didn’t have the courage. Gabe’s words came to my mind. When would I explode, and who would be hurt when I did?
Chapter Six
Zachary
“You do know that you can’t just make the costumes all your size before the auditions, right?” Ms. Rey asked, as she walked backstage.. She was in her late fifties, on the bigger side, had her black and gray hair into a bun, and a sleeve of tattoos that she called her birthmarks.
I turned around and smiled at her. “I was just admiring the clothes for the musical, that’s all.”
She smiled at me. I always felt the closest to Ms. Rey. She had given me the role of Yente in, ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’ I knew it wasn’t a starring role, but it was the first chance I had at being an actress. It was the first time that I felt alive on that stage. I had this hunger inside of me that I didn’t want to end, and sadly, it would never be satisfied again.
She crossed her arms. “I’m sure, you’re being very innocent in your actions.” She walked over and started fixing the dress. She was measuring and seeing what needed to be adjusted. “Since, you’re already in the dress. I might as well see what needs to be changed, “she paused for a moment. “If you get the part,” she said, with a wink.
“Ms. Rey would never play favorites,” I said. It was one thing she beat into us when we first started. She never believed in having favorite actors and actresses, but she always had a soft spot for seniors. She knew this was their final curtain call at Lincoln Prep.
She gave me a dirty look. “I watched you kids grow up for the last four years. I see you all as my own children. I’m thankful that some of you aren’t my children. You guys can be a pain in the ass sometimes.” She paused for a moment.
I turned to look at her. I could see the sadness in her eyes. I didn’t realize that the shooting didn’t just affect the students, but it did the teachers as well. We were all going to be bonded for the rest of our lives because of it. “We made it out,” I said. I didn’t know why I felt like I needed to be strong in that moment. I knew she worried so much about the students, but I wanted her to know we were going to be okay-- even if I knew it was a lie.
Ms. Clarkson looked at me. “We all want you guys to go out there and succeed in the world. We raise you like your parents do. We hammer into you how to succeed because that’s our job and passion. I always get sentimental around this time of year.” She took my hand and escorted me onto the stage. “This is where some of the most beautiful moments come alive. I always find the spring musical to be my favorite. It’s our way of celebrating our seniors and the year we’ve had.”
“But is there much to celebrate?” I asked. We had just gone through a tragedy. I didn’t know if it was worth celebrating this year because it had been ruined by him.
“Like you said, we made it out.” She leaned forward. “You would make a great Millie,” she said, with a wink.
“I always found myself playing Dorothy Brown,” I said. I had been gearing up my performance once I found out we were producing Thoroughly, Modern Millie. I could be a lead role, but not have all the pressure on me that the main lead would have. I wouldn’t have the biggest bar set for me, but who wouldn’t want to be the central focus?
She grabbed my hands. “You can play anyone you want,” she said. She paused for a moment. “As long as Marylyn doesn’t become a huge diva about it.”
I chuckled. “She’s such a bitch,” I said.
Ms. Clarkson gave me a stern look. “We don’t use that kind of language,” she said. “But you’re right.” She turned around and started walking away. “I’ll see you at auditions on Monday.” She waved me off before exiting the stage.
“You know she’s right,” Gabe said. “You could be whichever character. You’ve always had this incredible talent, and it’s a damn shame that you don’t see it.”
I turned to look at Gabe. He had a soft smile on his face. It was the same smile he gave me every time I ran my lines with him. “It’s a musical, and I can’t sing.” I walked toward the side of the stage where the costumes were supposed to stay. I needed to get out of this dress. I knew in that moment that I didn’t belong in it.
“What are you talking about?” Gabe asked. “You can still sing.”
I turned and looked at him. “I guess you were too busy shooting up a school to realize that I can’t sing anymore. Every time I try, it comes out like a cat getting run over, or a drunk bitch during karaoke.” I went to unzip the dress, and let the dress fall to the ground.
“I didn’t mean to make you angry. I just thought it was because you are Zachary Vincent. You don’t let anything get to you. I’ve seen you act before. You let the role consume you.”
I turned to look at him. “You’ve only seen it in my bedroom. Gabe, I’ve always played the understudy. Yes, I got to have a performance here and there, but it doesn’t mean that I had my breakout role.” I walked over and took a seat in front of the vanity.
I looked up in the mirror and saw him standing there. I saw the stupid look of concern. He was the last person I wanted to look at me like that. “Why are you here?” I asked. “Don’t you have to get in line soon for Hell?” I went to grab my lipstick and fix my make-up.
“I guess this is my own personal hell. I never thought I’d see the talented Zachary be so weak about something like lack of singing. It doesn’t mean you can’t be an actress.”
I put the lipstick away. I turned to look at him. “It does when singing was the only thing I knew I was good at.” I stood up. “Now that I don’t have that, maybe I should just fade into the background like you did,” I said. I walked away not looking back at the stage. Gabe was my biggest fan, and sadly, he would be my only fan once auditions were over with.
Chapter Seven
Cass
“You didn’t need to pick me up from dance rehearsals. I would have been fine asking my mom to get me,” I said looking at Jarele.
Jarele had tan skin, was a bit muscular, short hair, and had the goofiest grin. He didn’t say anything at first. He looked at the road. I wondered where his giant personality went. He used to light up the room, but it seemed it was taken away from him.
“I wanted to make sure you got home safely. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you.”
I turned to look out the window. It was evening, and I couldn’t see anything. I just knew that I couldn’t look at him. I closed my eyes. I remembered when the dust settled with the shooting.
“You don’t love me, Jarele,” I screamed. It was a couple of days after the shooting. I couldn’t even process everything that happened. All I could think about was Jarele cheating on me. I knew it was so damn superficial, but it was the only thing I could actually try to wrap my mind around.
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “I could have run to her, but I stayed with you.”
“Because you wanted to still act like the good boyfriend, while you were fucking her on the side.”
Jarele sighed. “Listen, what I had with Angela was just something fun. We’re about to graduate high school. We’re all going separate ways. And besides, it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” he asked.
I knew he was trying to make me look like the bad guy because she had been one of the ten that lost their lives that day. I raised my finger at him. “Don’t you dare make me look like the bad guy. I get to feel hurt in this damn situation. You don’t get to attack me for hating her.”
“Maybe, I should hate you. You were friends with the guy that killed someone I cared about.”
I felt the anger in his words. I felt the truth spilling out. I wanted to slap him right then. I wanted to go off on him, but I knew that I would lose him. I loved him too much to see him walk away from me. “What would have happened if I had been killed?” I asked. “Would you have the same fondness you c
learly have for her? Would you have let the light in your eyes be taken away from you?”
He looked at me with confused eyes. “What are you even talking about?” he asked. “I’m still the same guy that you’ve always been with.”
I walked right up to his face. “The guy that I knew before the shooting would have kissed me, held my hand, or even told me he loved me.” I grabbed my jacket and walked out of his room and toward my car. It killed me when I got into my car, and he didn’t chase after me. He let me drive away, and I knew that the person who had his heart was shot by someone that always tried to protect mine.
I came back to reality when I felt his soft touch on my thigh. I knew that he was trying after our argument a little over two weeks ago. “I’m still processing everything. We’re all grieving from what happened. I’m trying though.”
I turned to look at him. “Maybe I wish you tried to be faithful before everything that happened. Maybe then, we could mourn together instead of apart.”
He sighed. “And maybe you should try to expect less from people,” he said, as he pulled into my driveway.
We both could hear my parents going off on each other. It had become a reoccurring event when he picked me up from dance rehearsal. My mom needed the car today, and it seemed my mom came home too late again, or my dad had been drinking again.
He turned and looked at me. “Do you want to go see a movie?” he asked. I knew he was trying to protect me from seeing my parents.
I would have loved it before. I would have said this was why he was the one for me. It was the reason I had loved him. I smiled softly. “I think I’ll be fine today.”
“I know you’re upset with me, but you don’t have to suffer though that, too.”
I looked at him, and I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn’t do it. I looked at his lips, and I just thought of all the promises he gave to her. All the soft touches and sexual advances she received from him.