by Zachary Ryan
“I’ll be fine. I’ll call you if I need anything.” I got out of the car and closed the door. I didn’t give him a chance to say I love you to me. I didn’t want to hear it, and I worried that maybe I would never be able to say it again.
We both waved each other off. I stood there for a moment. “He doesn’t deserve you. You’re meant to have someone that truly loves you and makes you the center of their world,” Gabe said, walking next to me.
I turned to look at him. “You’ve always thought anyone that I’ve dated didn’t deserve me. He did make me feel like I was the center of the world, and I was everything to him at one time.”
“Until, she transferred to this school,” he said.
“I want to hate her. I want to hate both of them, but he did protect me from you, and she lost her life because of you.” I turned to him. “But if you didn’t do what you did, then I would have been still blinded by his true actions. So, I’m lost with all of this.”
“What do you want?” he asked.
I looked up at the stars and felt myself falling apart. “I want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me. I want him to tell me that he’ll continue to protect me from the evils of the world.” It turned into a broken sob. “I want him to stop loving and mourning her. I want her to still be alive, so I can hate her and get her out of his system. I want him to love me as much as he loved her.” I knew that nothing I wanted would ever come true. I would always be outside praying on a shooting star for my miserable wish to come true, only to be disappointed with what life had in store for me
Chapter Eight
Ben
I walked out school trying to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. I was grateful that it was the weekend, and we had survived our first week back at school. I knew that I didn’t get to celebrate so quickly because I had group therapy tomorrow morning. The school, our parents, and the world thought we needed to talk to someone about the fact that our friend decided to shoot up the school.
I saw Kate sitting with the Wilks twins. She was currently taking a selfie. It was probably for her hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram.
I walked up to my best friends. “What are we doing this weekend?” I asked. I just needed to forget all about this stupid day.
Kate lowered her phone. “I assumed we were going to their house for a party.” She turned back to make a video. “This week was so hard. I want you all to know all your thoughts and well wishes got me through a tough week. I love you guys.” She kissed the phone before she ended the video.
I looked at her with such oddness. “You're really going to tell all your strangers about what happened.”
Kate looked at me. “It’s all over the news, Ben. I didn’t even get a chance to wrap my mind around the fact that your friend did what he did to this school. I didn’t get to grieve before it was announced I went to this school.” She pulled out a makeup compact. She fixed up her makeup before putting it away.
I rolled my eyes. I knew Kate was being dramatic and wanted attention. She had been doing this as long as I had known her. She had an older sister, and they always fought for mommy and daddy’s love. Maybe that was why she only had male friends. She was trying to keep all the sunlight for herself.
“Maybe if we do a challenge from our fans, then we could get more views,” Max said, while looking at the comments on their YouTube channel.
The Wilks twins consisted of Max and Chet. Max was on the quieter side. He always had his head in his laptop thinking of new ideas. They both had dark hair that stood straight with spikes, both had tan skin, muscles, and blues eyes that made them look like the bad boys, which all the girls wanted to bang. Max set himself different because he had a feather earring in his left ear.
“Or, we could do what Kate did. We haven’t talked about the shooting at all. Our name was in that news post, too.” Chet had always been about marketing their brand. I knew that it was Max baby, but Chet had stolen it from him.
Max looked at him with a weird expression. “But what would we talk about?” he asked.
“How we were here for the shooting, duh,” Kate came and sat next to him.
“But we...” Kate placed a finger on Max’s lips. “We will figure it out later.” She looked at me. “I need to get home. Mom and Dad want to have dinner because Rebecca is in town.” She rolled her eyes, and I knew it was because she had to deal with her sister.
She got up and intertwined her fingers with Chet’s. Did I forget to mention that Kate and Chet were dating? I had met the twins in middle school when our parents met at a campaign dinner for the mayor. Kate came into the picture three years ago, when she moved here from LA.
They walked away to probably talk about the post they would make for their weekly anniversary. They were trying so hard to be ‘couple goals’ that it was rather disgusting. I sat down next to Max. He was still reading something on his laptop.
“What was Kate trying to get you to be quiet about?” I asked. When Kate came around, I felt my friendship with the Wilks twins drifted. They had their secret agendas that I wasn’t included in. I felt our friendship continued because of geography. They didn’t even ask how I was doing, even though I wouldn’t tell the truth.
He shrugged. “Nothing.” He looked up at me and closed his laptop. “I better get to the computer lab. I have some coding left to do for my senior project.” He walked away from me, and I was still stuck with these questions that I knew wouldn’t be answered.
“It must suck to be left in the dark,” Gabe said.
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t even know them.”
“Chet bullied me for years, and you didn’t even stop him.”
I turned to look at him. I got off the table. “That’s where you take ownership. You could have stood up to him and stopped being so weak.”
“I did stand up for myself.”
I turned to him. “You shot up the damn school. There’s a damn difference in standing up for yourself and that.”
Gabe crossed his arms. “You were the one that gave me the idea.”
I was done listening to him. He was full of shit. I didn’t give him the idea to do what he did. “You never want to take blame for what you’ve done. It’s no wonder I hated you.” I brushed past him, and I thought about what he said on the way home. I didn’t want to believe that I gave him the thought about shooting up the school, but I didn’t remember what I said that night. It was what haunted me that night as I slept, and maybe even for the rest of my life.
Chapter Nine
Lane
I’m so blessed that my grandson doesn’t dress like this. I would tell his parents to beat him until he’s straight.
I didn’t mean to read one of my aunt’s Facebook posts, but I saw that my parents had liked it. It was a picture of James Charles in makeup. I knew my parents accepted me for being gay, but I also knew they weren’t defending me to my family, and maybe that was why I wasn’t ready to announce to the world that I’m gay.
I clicked out of Facebook and pulled up a blank page. I chuckled because I thought about how I told Colby how much I didn’t feel the need for the whole school to know that I was gay.
It had been only a couple months before. I turned to look at him. We were working on our poetry project for English. I looked at him with curious eyes. He had recently cut his hair short, and I didn’t want to admit that I found it wildly attractive. It made his hazel eyes pop. His round face seemed more suitable for his body.
The sun had shined on his face for a moment, and I just looked at him with such awe. He was looking at a magazine when he looked up at me. “What?” he asked.
I got up from my seat and walked over to him. I leaned forward and captured his lips with mine. I just wanted this simple moment with him. I wanted to cherish it as much as I could. I knew that he might have thought it was just a kiss, but it was my whole world. I broke the kiss and touched his face. I looked into his eyes that showed his soul, and I loved what I saw.
He raised an eyebrow. “Is this where you’re going to kill me because I need to know if I should start screaming for your parents?” he asked.
I pushed him on the bed. “You’re such an ass,” I said.
I heard his stupid laugh, and it was my favorite sound. I sounded like a drunk guy telling himself a joke with a little bit of an uptick at the end. He got off the bed and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed the back of my neck. “You’re feeling very sappy right now. What has gotten over you?” he asked.
I turned to look at him. “Nothing. I’m trying to cherish this before it’s all taken away from me,” I said.
He looked at me with worried eyes. “Lane, you’re allowed to feel love, you know that, right?”
I shook my head. “You don’t get it.” I tugged on the sleeve of my sweater.
He looked down, and I knew he knew the scar was underneath it. “Your family is a bunch of assholes. Your parents weren’t accepting or even open minded until your suicide. You told me they came around because the thought of losing you killed them,” he said.
I leaned against the table. My parents had found my browser history, and they weren’t too thrilled of what they found. I tried to block out the night I tried to kill myself. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
He looked me with love in his eyes. “I get that you want to protect yourself. We don’t live in such an accepting place. I get worried sometimes when people see us talking or even a simple touch. I’m terrified they’re going to see our notes to each other.” He got up and came face to face to me. “I don’t need anyone insulting what we have together. I won’t stand for it. I know you aren’t out, and I want you to come out surrounded by love and acceptance.”
I leaned forward and kissed him with my lips. It was another moment that I didn’t realize would be my last with him. I was brought back to present day with my dad opening the door of my room. I looked up at him. He was wearing an LGBT shirt, but I knew he only wore it in the house or in Chicago. He would never dare wear it at a family function or post it on social media.
“Are you okay? Your mom wants to know if you want pizza or Chinese for dinner?”
I hadn’t realized that I was crying. I wiped a tear away. “Chinese works.”
He gave me a gentle nudge before walking out the door. The past two weeks my parents have kept their distance. They let me mourn, but they kept a hovering presence. They knew how much Colby meant to me, and they prayed that I didn’t relapse with my thoughts.
I turned to the blank page, and I just felt myself getting all my thoughts out on the page. I knew that this was my way of playing with my thoughts, instead of locking them up.
You were the one that accepted me with a simple kiss.
You were the one that made me believe in all these silly words.
You had me fooled to believe I deserved a happy ending.
Now you’re gone, and I’m left asking why.
Why couldn’t we just have run to the city lights together?
Why couldn’t you be the one that gave me the strength to say I love who I am?
Where do I go from here?
How do I keep on going when the love I had for myself was taken with a simple trigger?
Where do I find peace in this world when my head is filled with violence?
Come back to me on a sunny day, kiss me,
And tell me that I’m worthy just one more time.
I finished the poem and felt a sense of release when I typed the last word. I sat back in my chair, and I reread the poem that I had just written. I knew that it wasn’t anything profound, but it was to me.
“He would have loved it. Too bad, he’ll never be able to read it because you were a coward to the truth,” Gabe said.
I turned to look at him. “Maybe, he would still be alive if you weren’t such a fucking psychopath.” I slammed my laptop. Gabe didn’t get to read my thoughts. I stood up and walked out of my room. I didn’t feel the desire to even think of Gabe in that moment, but I spent all of dinner knowing my hands were covered in Colby’s blood.
Chapter Ten
Ben
“I don’t get why we need to be here for this,” I said, looking at the therapist along with Lane, Cass, and Zachary. We had already been dealing with everyone staring at us. We’ve dealt with the whispers. Gabe didn’t realize that what he did doesn’t just affect him.
“I just want to talk to you all. I think you guys have been through some heavy trauma, and I want to make sure that you are able to get through it,” Dr. Clarkson said. She was in her early thirties, with a soft smile, blonde hair, and a half sleeve tattoo. It was actually nice talking to someone who wasn’t an older therapist. She seemed like she could connect with us more.
Cass turned to me. “Ben, you can’t sit here and think there’s nothing wrong with all of us,” she said. She looked down at her fingers. “I’ve been seeing him actually.”
“It’s normal to create a somewhat of a ghost from your thoughts,” Dr. Clarkson said.
I rolled my eyes. “We’ve all been seeing him, but it doesn’t mean I’m ready to talk about him.” I was curious what everyone else saw of him. I wondered if we all had the same experiences of Gabe. I looked around the room, and we all had different relationships with him.
Zachary glared at me. She had always been the one to call me out on my shit. “Ben, you can be such an asshole sometimes.” She turned to Dr. Clarkson. “What Gabe did was uncalled for, but it’s not right that we have to sit here talking about him.”
“What do you mean?” Dr. Clarkson asked.
“I don’t know about them, but I’ve had other tragedies in my life that I’m trying to process, but I can’t sit here and talk about it. Gabe had always been in the shadows, and now he’s now the center of all our minds.”
“Maybe that was the problem with all of us,” Lane said.
I turned to look at him. He had been quiet, and I kind of forgot he was here. I liked Lane a lot, but he was a lot like Gabe. They were the closest out of the group. They were the social rejects.
“Do you want to explain?” Dr. Clarkson said.
Lane looked at us. “We weren’t meant to be friends. We got stuck having the same lunch period. We were all scared freshman year so we all sat together. Ben and Cass run in the same circle, Zachary, you’re successful in theatre, and Gabe and I were left being the punching bags of the school. You saw the superior ones hurting us, but you did nothing to stop them. You didn’t use your powers for good. Gabe suffered, but he could have been stopped. This all could have been prevented, and maybe some of us wouldn’t have lost the most important person to us.”
“Gabe?” I asked. I didn’t think they were that close, but I didn’t see Lane hanging out with anyone else. He was always writing in his journal.
Lane turned to me. He opened his mouth and closed it. “It doesn’t matter. I was just saying that all of us were connected to someone that died that day.
I looked over at Cass and Zachary for their reactions. Cass looked extremely uncomfortable. “The shooting brought out some truths for all of us, but Zachary’s right. We’re spending too much time focused on Gabe. He lost his life, but we’re stuck dealing with the consequences.” Cass stood up. “I have a dance rehearsal to get to.” Cass turned to walk to the door.
“Do you think that’s wise running away from your problems?” Dr. Clarkson asked.
Cass turned to her. “Sometimes, it’s better to not think about your problems. It’s good to feel clueless about this world. Therapy just makes you realize that you made way too many shitty decisions in your life.” She opened the door and walked out of it.
I turned to see Zachary pull out a piece of paper. “What’s that?” I asked her.
She looked at me like I had just caught her doing something. She quickly pushed the paper in her purse. “Nothing. I had planned to talk about something in here, but I think Cass was right. We don’t need to talk about our feelings.” She stood up
. “I have to get ready for an audition,” she said her goodbyes and walked out of the room.
Lane was the next to get up. “Besides, he was a fucking monster that enjoyed taking away people’s happiness,” he paused. “Now, all I get to do is write it out instead of living it.” I could tell there was more to that sentence, but he wasn’t going to tell me the truth. He walked out of the room.
Dr. Clarkson turned to me. “It seems everyone in this room is carrying secrets in their chest. Do you want to expose yours?” she asked.
I laughed. “And look like the vulnerable one? Hard pass.” I stood up. I knew that I was supposed to meet with my mother in a couple of hours, and I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. “I just know they aren’t wrong. We’ve all been dealing with our fair share of life changes, but we don’t get to convey it to the world right now. We have to put our lives on hold because of him.” I shrugged. “Maybe that’s why he did it. He wanted the spotlight to finally be put on him.”
She nodded. “You all were interviewed by reporters, and you all gave different views on him. It seems that maybe putting the spotlight on him showed his true colors. I wonder what would happen if we put a spotlight on the four of you. What would we find?” she asked.
I felt extremely uncomfortable by that statement. “That we were friends forced together like Lane said. We were all lying and saying we were friends, when in fact, we were just strangers sharing a table together,” I said. I walked toward the door.
I turned to look at her, and I saw my version of Gabe standing there. “It’s better to have strength because no one likes someone that plays the damn victim card,” I said. I walked out of the therapy session, and I hoped my Gabe heard that loud and clear. I wished he did when I told him what I thought of him that day.