by Zachary Ryan
Chapter Eleven
Lane
“How was group therapy,” my mom asked.
I turned her, and I didn’t even want to get into how the session was. I turned and looked out the window. I just stared at the trees as they were passing by. I couldn’t look at my mom once again. She had been the one that found me lying there in the bathtub. It makes sense because she was the one that made a comment on a family’s friend post about being pro conversion therapy.
I looked at her. “Does it even matter?” I asked.
She looked at me with a curious expression. “What do you mean?”
“Mom, you really need to get me off of social media if you’re going to keep liking posts by family and friends for conversion therapy,” I said. I had walked out of the therapy session when I saw that she liked another post about it. It talked about how much the liberal media was against conversion therapy, but conservatives were trying to save homosexual souls.
“I’m trying to get a hold of you being gay. I know that it’s not going to change my views overnight, but I’m trying to change my views because I have you. I don’t want there to be another relapse. I know it hasn’t been an easy couple of weeks.”
I knew my parents were trying. I knew they were living double lives, but I wanted nothing more than for them to be proud of me. Maybe they were hoping I would take the lead, and I would come out to the world. Maybe I would have gotten the strength if Gabe didn’t take my rock away from me.
“It’s a shame that Gabe never came to anyone about his feelings. You would have thought he would have opened up to you or any of his friends,” my mom said.
“He was a horrible human being, and no one should be surprised what he was capable of. I wish someone had stopped him sooner.”
“You can’t hold this anger in your heart because of him. Yes, it was tragic that you lost Colby, but you need to forgive him eventually.” We were in the driveway of our house when she finished her statement.
I looked at her once more. “I’m not even talking about the shooting, mom.” I opened the door and walked towards the house. I had the words stuck in my head from my last conversation with Gabe. “You can’t keep this secret anymore. The whole world is going to figure it out.” I had those words on repeat over and over again.
I got into my room and locked the door. I walked over to the bed and sat on it. I felt my whole-body vibrating at the thought of Gabe possibly going through with his threat. I felt my anxiety taking over. I opened my nightstand and pulled out a razor. I put it to my wrist. I closed my eyes, and I tried to take a deep breath.
An image of Colby came to my mind. I knew that this wasn’t what he would have wanted for me. He would have wanted me to live a good life. He would have wanted me to be happy, but I couldn’t be without him being in my life.
I opened my eyes and I saw Gabe standing there smirking at me. “Having fun?” he asked.
I stood up. “Go fuck yourself. Shouldn’t you be busy burning in the pits of hell right now.”
He shrugged. “My next appointment in the pits of hell isn’t in another hour or so. I got some time to kill,” he chuckled. “Get it? I killed people including your boyfriend.”
I wished nothing more than to punch him right in the face right there. “I hate you with all my being. I watched the police officers shoot you to death. I watched the life slowly leave your eyes, and I felt no sympathy when it happened.”
He clapped. “Finally, I get to see some anger from you. I haven’t seen this much since the night before.”
“I had a right to be angry for what you did to me or what you were going to do to me. I saw you as my friend, and you would do something like that to me.”
He shrugged. “It’s called blackmail. You should realize that no one was going to stop me.”
I shook my head. “And I thought you wouldn’t have done it. I just assumed these were just angry words that you were trying to get out of your heart.”
“I guess they weren’t just words, but I knew you weren’t going to say anything. We both were two punching bags, until we’ve had enough, and we punch back. Too bad, I know your punching back is you punching yourself.” He walked toward the door and opened it. “Maybe you could use your other wrist for matching scars. Have fun knowing you’re always going to be a coward, and you won’t ever speak your voice. Lane, you’re so pathetic, and I have no clue what Colby saw in you. That was what shocked me the most when I found out about you two.” He didn’t give me a chance to respond before he slammed the door.
I stood there motionless. I knew that all four of us felt guilty for what Gabe did to the school, but I was the one that felt the most. I was the one that found his plans. I was the one that could have told the truth to the world. I could have stopped all of this, but I was too scared he was going to expose me and Colby. I wasn’t ready to come out to the world, and people died for it. Gabe isn’t the only one that should be rotting in hell, but then again, maybe this was my hell.
Chapter Twelve
Cass
I didn’t really want to be here, but Jarele wanted to come out. We both had to start moving on with our lives, and I couldn’t be at home right now with my parents.
I took a sip of my drink, and I looked at everyone drinking and enjoying themselves. It was quite nice that we were starting to move forward with our lives. I knew that in the back of our minds that we couldn’t fully move forward, but we could at least try.
I saw Ben talking to a girl named Lisa. She was a sophomore. He always used one of his corny pick-up lines, and it usually worked. He looked over and saw me sitting alone. Jarele had gone to talk to his friend. There was only so much we could talk about before we eventually ended up on Angela.
Ben said something to the girl and came to sit next to me. “It’s not good sitting alone in the corner of a party.”
I chuckled and turned to him. “I just needed some alone time after that lovely therapy session today. I just wish we could put this all behind us.” I knew that there was no way we could. I knew the country would forget about us or they already have. We were just another name added to a long list of shootings. We didn’t have the news cameras in our faces anymore. The news had gone on to another tragedy, and we were waiting for another school shooting, so we didn’t need to be the latest one.
“You know that no one around us will let us forget about what happened. You know they all give us an awkward glance,” Ben said.
“They’ve always been staring at you. You’re the rich, hot, and popular guy. No one can miss Ben.”
He turned to me. “And no one would dare forget about Cass. She’s got style, beauty, and grace. Any man would be lucky to be with you. And they would worship the ground you walked on.”
The last sentence stung me because I might have been desired by many, but no one truly valued me. Jarele made that very clear. I forced a smile while taking a sip of my drink. I hoped the vodka would help ease the pain in my voice.
I saw the girl staring this way. “You might want to get back to her. She might suspect something.” I just wanted him to leave me alone. He was good friends with Jarele. Shit, he was the one that set us up, and I didn’t want to disappoint Ben. I didn’t think anyone did. We all wanted to be these perfect people for him, and we just didn’t want to tarnish our image in front of him.
He said his goodbyes to me and walked over to talk to the girl again. Jarele came over a second later. He kissed me on the cheek. “Why are you sitting over here?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I’m just tired. I just needed a moment to myself. It’s been a very exhausting week.”
He nodded. I hated how much I despised him right now. but how much I needed him. too. He was always the person I went to when I needed anything. He betrayed me, but he lifted me up too many times. I wished I had the strength to walk away from him. It was why I looked at schools nearby because I couldn’t be far from him.
He stood up. “Let’s dance.”
; I leaned back and looked at him. “You do know there isn’t any music playing, and we aren’t in a romantic comedy.”
He waved me off. “We don’t need music. I want to dance with you. People are already staring at you, but let’s give them something nice to talk about.”
I chuckled and rolled my eyes. You’re such an idiot.” I stood up. “But I wouldn’t want you any other way.” It was a lie, but this was a sweet moment between us.
We stood up and started dancing around. I could see people looking at us, but it wasn’t the first time we just danced around the room at a party. Jarele knew when I was stressed or upset, and he knew dancing made me feel better. He knew that all I wanted was for us to be in a bubble just him and I.
We danced for a couple of minutes. I turned and I saw Angela’s friends looking at us. I saw them whispering, and I knew what they were thinking. This was no longer just Jarele and I. We could never dance in the middle of the room anymore with me thinking it was our little bubble. It had burst and anyone could invade.
He kissed me on the lips, and I laid my head on his shoulder. I let my tears fall with quiet cries because at the end of the day, the man I was dancing with was a con artist. This was all an act and I knew he wasn’t the man I fell in love with. I feared that I never knew him, and I wondered if I could ever forgive myself for giving up my strength and power to a man that gave me one simple hug on one of my darkest days.
Chapter Thirteen
Zachary
I woke up that morning hearing the hustle from downstairs. My mom would be a drill sergeant making sure we were all kept in order. I was part of this chaotic mess for the longest time, until a month ago. I tried to sing, but it was painful. It started out slow, but I ignored it. I pushed past it. I had a part in the winter musical.
I was an idiot to think that would cure it all. I went to the doctors, and they said I needed surgery. I had vocal nods. They said there was a chance I could lose the ability to sing, and I didn’t want to take the risk. I would power through it, but my parents refused to listen to me. They told me I needed the surgery and I lost my voice. I lost what made me special in this damn family.
I heard a knock on the door. I turned to see my mother walk in. She had her black hair up in a ponytail. She had a soft smile with freckles splashed across her face. My mother used to be an editor of a fashion magazine in New York, before she gave it up to raise her kids in the suburbs of Chicago. She still consults from time-to-time, but her focus was her kids.
“You can’t keep sleeping in every day,” she said, walking over to sit next to me.
I sat up and I pulled my hair back. “Why not? It’s not like I have anything else to live for. I can’t sing and this is a spring musical. It’s not even like I could audition if it was a play. I always get assemble or understudy,” I said. My mother had always encouraged me to sing. Even when I was a little girl, she told me my voice would capture the world.
She gave me a soft smile. She ran her fingers through my hair. “I said you came out singing, not screaming. It’s why I named you Zachary. I wanted you to stand out among all the normal people.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. “I’m just a commoner now.” I slid back into bed and rolled over. “Can’t I just skip school?”
“Because today is the audition? No, you’re going. We don’t raise quitters or whiners in this household,” she said. She pulled the blanket off me. “I don’t have the patience for someone to feel all depressed because life got them down.”
She believed in only a minute of coddling, then she went straight to be a cold-hearted bitch. I rolled over and got out of bed. “Fine, but I’m not going to let this go. When I start doing drugs and alcohol, I’ll blame you in rehab.”
My sister, Violet, walked in. “Then maybe you’ll be good at something,” she said. Violet and I never had anything in common. She was a track star and a huge tomboy. She didn’t wear make-up or try to look cute. She always wore tracksuits with her hair in a ponytail.
I gave her a dirty look. “Coming from the girl that just runs in circles.” I got out of bed and brushed past her for the bathroom.
“I don’t know why you’re trying. You don’t have a singing voice anymore. You’re finally the reject of the family,” she laughed.
“That’s enough from the both of you. Get in the car, so I can give you a ride to school,” my mother said.
I turned to look at her. I saw the worry on her face. I might not have been a good actor in front of Ms. Rey, but I could put on a brave smile to make my mother think Violet’s words didn’t affect me. “I’ll be fine,” I said.
She looked like she didn’t believe me, but she nodded her head and followed Violet outside. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door. I grabbed a towel and turned on the shower. I began to sob into the towel because Violet was right. I wasn’t anyone special anymore. I had nothing that would make people remember my name, and I knew once I opened my mouth for auditions today that it would become very clear.
“You’ve got to stop letting your sister get to you,” Gabe said.
I looked at him. “Why wouldn’t I let her get to me? She’s right after all. She’s a track star and Michael’s off with a full-ride at Julliard for fucking playing the violin.” Michael was my older brother. He was a sophomore at Julliard. He was the one I was closest to, but we barely heard from him since he went off to college.
“You’re going to kill that audition today. You have so much talent, and you need to stop doubting yourself.”
I turned to look at him. “You have so much confidence in me,” I said.
He smiled weakly. “Zachary, you’ve always had these doubts, but you always end up pulling it through. I wish you could see you the way I see you. Maybe then, you would realize how brilliant you are.”
“I don’t have my voice.”
He shrugged. “You don’t need it. You have way more talent than Marylyn, and you can’t let her be the lead.” He shuttered, and I would feel the same way at the thought of her being the lead actress.
“And we all thought you were one of the good ones. We tell each other bullshit because we want us to feel good about ourselves. The problem is, we don’t really know each other. Gabe, I’m nothing now because of this. I don’t have fire or drive. You were the first person I told that I didn’t have a singing voice. I never expected it was the same time you were loading up guns to kill people.” I didn’t wait for a response. I just blocked him out as I got into the shower, and I let the hot water calm my emotions. I knew that no matter what anyone said, I was lost now. I had always been known as the singer, but that was taken from me. I should have been one of the people lost that day because my life ended the moment they told me I lost my voice.
Chapter Fourteen
Lane
“I don’t see what you need for this audition,” I said, looking at costumes with Zachary. She had her big audition after school, and she wanted to secure a costume during free period. She usually did this with Gabe, but he wasn’t around anymore.
“I just need something that makes me look like Miss Dorothy Brown. I want them to see me for my acting this time around,” Zachary said. I could see the worry on her face. She had never seemed like this before.
I pulled out a red dress out from the rack of clothes. “Maybe something like this?” I asked.
She looked at it. She walked over to examine it. “That would work out.” She draped it over her arm.
“They do say you should dress for the role you want, but I doubt you’ll be getting Dorothy Brown. You might want to settle for chorus again,” Marylyn said, walking up to look at costumes also.
Marylyn had always been known as Zachary’s musical rival. They had always gone out for the same parts, and they never liked each other. Marylyn was beautiful with her dark skin, curly hazel hair, and she had a beautiful voice. She posted covers of songs on YouTube all the time, and people ate it up.
Zachary crossed her arms. “At least, I don�
�t have to barf before every performance or give myself pep talks from my journals.”
She pulled out a red dress to wear. “I’ll see you later at auditions. It’s going to be so cute to see you once again be an understudy or even back up chorus.” She walked away before Zachary could make a comment.
Zachary went back to looking at some of the dresses. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
She turned to look at me. “You could have defended me back there.”
“And say what?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. You could have told her she had a horrible voice or was ugly.”
I looked back at the dresses. “You know that I don’t have the confidence like you do. I don’t have a backbone to stand up to my bullies,” I said. I knew it was a weakness of mine. People forgot about me all the time. I knew that if we hadn’t sat at the same lunch table for the last four years, they wouldn’t know me.
Zachary sighed. She walked over and put her hand in mine. She squeezed it. “I know you like to keep to yourself. You know, eventually, you’re going to need to let us in on what’s going on in that big head of yours.”
I turned to look at her. “I let you read my poetry.” I let them read all the superficial stuff. They still don’t know about my suicide attempt, and I knew they never would. I felt my left sleeve itching. I knew it was from my scar.
“You keep blocking us out, and we are your friends. I know we have our own stuff going on, but we’re here for you,” she said.
I looked at her, and I believed her for that simple moment. I opened my mouth. I was ready to tell her all about Colby and the attempt, but I couldn’t do it. I knew that if I talked about that, then I needed to talk about Gabe. I would have to explain what I didn’t stop, and I wasn’t ready for the very few people that noticed me to hate me.
“I’ll eventually let you all in. I just think I’m still trying to find the right words to say.”