by Zachary Ryan
She nodded. She looked back at the rack of clothes. “I don’t think any of us knew the right words. Everyone wants us to have our shit together once we leave these halls, but I feel even more lost. I think we all had our lives planned out, but we were all struck with a curve ball,” she paused for a moment. “We’re all stuck with a tragedy that we’re supposed to deal with, but I don’t think people can come back from some tragedies.”
I looked at her and I’ve never seen this side of Zachary before. She had always been a fierce person, but she was vulnerable in this split second. I reached forward and touched her. “Is everything okay?” I asked.
She turned to look at me like I was crazy. “Yes, why wouldn’t they be?”
“You’re shaking and you’re about to start crying.”
She stopped for a moment and I could tell that she was trying to force the mask back on. “Sorry, I think I’m still a little shaken up about it. I don’t think any of us can get over what happened three weeks ago.” She looked back at the rack of clothes. She picked out a white dress. “I think this will be perfect for the audition.” She smiled fondly.
“Do you want me to come?” I asked.
She turned to me. She brushed me off. “No, you don’t need to. I think I’ll be fine all by myself. I know you have your poetry club after school. I’ll be fine.”
I knew she was lying, but I didn’t want to fight her on it. I wasn’t the Ben of the group. We all played our parts, but maybe the role we were given was what would kill us in the end.
Chapter Fifteen
Zachary
“Why are you shaking?” Tristen asked, sitting next to me.
I turned to him and smiled. “You know that I’m always nervous when it comes to these things.”
He kissed me softly on the cheek. “Ms. Rey would be a fool not to give you a main role with a voice like yours.”
I turned and blushed. “You’ve always known how to say the sweetest things to me,” I said. I turned to look back at the stage. He wouldn’t be saying those things in a little bit. I was about to go up there and show them that I’m not the same girl that I used to be. I’m just some damn fraud.
Ms. Rey came on the stage before we could continue our conversation. We were all seated in front of her on stage. “Welcome to the Auditions for the 2019 spring musical.” People started clapping. “This year, we’re doing Thoroughly Modern Millie. I’ve decided to break everyone into the character that you’ve auditioned for. Now, if I think you are suited better for another role, then you will be given said role. I don’t deal with the tears. We might be in love with drama, but I don’t deal with it.” She walked over and took a seat behind a table.
She broke us all into the groups we were auditioning for. Tristen went up there and he destroyed it as Trevor. I found him so mesmerizing. I prayed that he got the role of Trevor, but he was so talented, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ms. Rey gave him James. I knew I would love having him as her co-star too much.
Then it was time for the auditions for Dorothy Brown. I felt my whole body start to shake. I knew that this was the moment of truth. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I would open my mouth, and it would be all over for me. I closed my eyes and smiled. I cherished the moments of being a star. I let my life flash before my eyes. I remembered every applause and praise I received for my voice. I knew those were all going to stay in the past. I was stuck knowing that it would never happen in the present or future.
I stood up in front of them. I turned around to look at everyone. I tried to ignore the annoyance I felt from Marylyn taking my seat next to Tristen. I wished that I didn’t feel the surge of jealousy I felt when she whispered something funny in his ear.
I ignored all of that, and I focused on Ms. Rey. “My name is Zachary Vincent, and I will be auditioning for Miss Dorothy Brown.”
Ms. Rey smiled. “And what number have you prepared?” she asked.
“How the Other Half Lives,” I said. I tried to ignore last night when I tried to hit the high note, and I couldn’t do it. I hated how much I tried to hit them, and I felt the absolute screech in my voice when I tried. I prayed that today I could hit them. I prayed more than anything that I could continue to live a fraud. I thought maybe just maybe the adrenaline could heal my vocal cords.
I heard the music start. I began to open my mouth. I started off soft. It was going well. It was mostly talking in a sing song way. I knew this was the easier part. I looked around and people were looking at me. I didn’t see anything out of ordinary. I felt the music starting to build up, and I knew this was the moment of truth.
I turned to Ms. Rey, and she looked so happy. I knew she was instantly deciding then she would cast me if I continued to kill it, but I knew it was about to change. I felt my vocal cords starting to feel strain. I heard myself pushing it. I got to the hardest part of the song, and I knew that I heard the screech like the rest of them. I heard the wrong note cast its presences across the theatre.
I couldn’t look at people. I continued the song acting like I knew that I didn’t just bomb. I looked at no one. I saw an empty seat in the theatre for Gabe. I saw the worry in his eyes, and I knew that I had failed. I couldn’t keep it going. I had just ruined my chances at getting a lead in my final musical at this school.
The song ended and people just looked at me. I felt the tears in my eyes. It wasn’t because the song took me away. It was because I had failed, and I didn’t know what that felt like. I bowed and ran behind the curtain. I felt myself beginning to fall apart, and I wanted so much for this feeling to go away.
I heard footsteps coming up. I looked up to see it was Tristen. “What was that?” he asked.
I stood up and wiped a tear. “I guess, I let the nerves get the best of me,” I said trying to come off like it wasn’t that big of a deal.
He stepped back for a moment. “The Zachary I know wouldn’t let that happen. She would have had everything down with perfection.”
“You’re right. I dropped the ball.” I turned to walk away.
He grabbed my hand. “Where are you going?” he asked. “Demand that you get another chance with Ms. Rey.”
I ripped my hands out of his grip. “No, I need to go.”
“What has gotten into you?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”
I turned to look at him. I opened my mouth. I was ready to tell him the truth, but it wouldn’t come out of me. “I’m bigger than this silly little musical. I hate that play, and I’m happy that I bombed it. I’m going off to college where I’ll be appreciated. I don’t need this bullshit production,” I said, with such conviction.
“Zachary…” I heard my name come out with a painful cry.
I waved him off. “Have fun giving your attention to something that doesn’t matter,” I said. I walked away and I felt the tears begin to fall. Lane was right; we pushed each other away because god damn we were all ugly when you got a closer look. I knew that I ended a friendship with Tristen in that moment, but I rather have him think I was a bitch than talentless.
Chapter Sixteen
Lane
I walked into the small classroom where the poetry club was held. Jefferson was at the front of the classroom talking about Colby. I looked over and it was a giant picture of Colby, and I felt a wave of sadness go through me. I was the one that took the picture. He looked so cute with his long hair. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t stop myself from letting a tear escape my face.
Jefferson stopped talking and looked at me. Jefferson had dark skin, a bit of a stomach, and he had curly brown hair. He always loved wearing bandana around his wrist or around his neck. Everyone knew that Jefferson loved going to EDM concerts. He always dragged Colby to them when they were dating. I always felt a bit jealous around Jefferson. They had been open about their relationship, and Colby and I were left in the closet together.
“You don’t get to be here,” he said. I could see the rage in his eyes, and he had every right to be mad at me.
Everyone t
urned around to see me trying to walk in the room. I saw them all glaring at me. They all looked at Colby like he was their personal Jesus. He had inspired everyone even though he was lost himself. I always laughed and joked with him about it. People felt like Colby always had it together when he was just as fucking awkward as the rest of us.
Dee turned to see me. She got up and grabbed Jefferson’s hand. “You don’t need to be a dick to him. Colby was his friend, too. We all loved Colby the same,” she said. She was a bigger girl with dark skin, long dreads, and she loved smoking weed any chance she got. She felt like it opened her mind to the beauties of the world.
I thought about it for a moment. Maybe it made sense why Colby ran towards me. He was surrounded by booze, drugs, and self-insecurities for the six months he dated Jefferson. Colby had just come out when him and Jefferson started dating. He felt like Jefferson was his leader just how I saw Colby.
He ripped his hand out of her grip. “No.” He charged toward me. I backed out of the room.
I raised my hands up in the air. “I know that you’re mad about what Gabe did. I know that you feel like I’m at fault and maybe I am. I didn’t think he would have done that. I never thought he would have gone after Colby.”
I tried to make a case, but it didn’t do anything. I felt Jefferson’s fist to my face. I fell to the ground. I slid back and rested my back against a wall. I ignored the pain because all I could see was the hurt splashed across Jefferson’s face. “You took him away from us. I don’t know why he took you under his wing, or why he felt sorry for you. You were nothing to him, and he lost his life because of it. I’m president now, and you are no longer welcomed.” He turned around. He walked inside the door and slammed the door shut on my face.
I felt myself jump at the sound of the door closing. The only sounds I could hear were the sound of my cries and tears dropping to the ground. I knew that Jefferson didn’t care for me. There were too many times where he thought he had a claim on Colby, and I wished that Jefferson understood that I was in as much as him. We both loved that man even though we weren’t strong enough for him in our own rights.
I heard the door open, and I wiped my tears away. It was Dee standing there. She walked over and sat next to me. She pulled me into her bubble. “Jefferson is such an ass. He always was threatened by you. We all could see that Colby cared more for you than him.”
“No, I was Colby’s captor.”
Dee laughed. “Please, that man loved you with all of his heart. He was willing to be stuck in your bird cage. He knew you needed time to come out, but you gave him more love and attention than Jefferson ever could.”
I lifted my head and looked at Dee. Dee was the only one that knew about Colby and I. Colby asked if I trusted her. I told him that I wanted to tell her myself because she meant so much to me.
“Jefferson gave more to Colby than I could. They went on trips together, they went on dates, and they were public with their relationship. I couldn’t be any of that.”
Dee rolled her eyes. “Jefferson wants to be the center of attention. You know damn well that he wants everyone to like him, since he transferred here sophomore year.” She grabbed my face with both of her hands. “I want you to know that Colby would never blame you for what happened to him. He loved you with all of his heart, and he was ready to go wherever with you. I want you to remember that,” she said.
I looked at her. “And now, I’m stuck going a different path then him, Dee. I’m stuck wondering around this world without the one person that truly understood me,” I said. I stood up. “Jefferson got what he really wanted. People love him, and I’m stuck out on the curb.”
She stood up. “Don’t say that.”
“You remember everything he said about me at the beginning of the school year. I’m nothing but a waste of space. I’m pretty sure his exact words were furniture,” I said. I tried to get that memory out of my mind, but it was the one time I saw Colby not stick up to me. I pushed the memory away because I didn’t want to think of it.
“Come back inside,” she said.
I smiled weakly. “Like Jefferson said, I wasn’t welcome, and I’m damn tired of pretending like I belonged in the first place.” I turned to walk away because I didn’t want to admit the truth. The one place I felt the happiest was no more, because the person that guided me through my dark times was gone.
Chapter Seventeen
Ben
“It’s cute watching you struggle looking for something on the computer,” Chloe said, standing next to me.
I turned to glare at her. She was three years older than me; she had a couple of piercings in her ear, reddish hair, a couple of tattoos scattered across her body, and an attitude that she would make fun of you, but punch someone that tried to come for you. “It’s my first day,” I said.
She laughed again. “Sandwiches are right there,” she said, clicking on the button. It was my first day at Bar 808. It was a bar in Chicago. I knew it would take me an hour to get there, but Ben Howard wasn’t supposed to have a job. I would have Fridays off, and I could continue living in my fake life.
I groaned and continued to take the order for the table I was helping Chole with. I felt my phone go off and I saw a picture of Max and Chet with the rest of my friends at a bonfire. I told them I had a fancy dinner to go to with my parents.
She leaned over my shoulder. “Friends causing you to have FOMO?” she asked.
I looked at her. “Is it that obvious?” I asked.
She shrugged. “It’s a Thursday night and I’m stuck training a high schooler, instead of getting drunk with my college friends,” she said, with a wink.
I blushed, and I looked away from her. Now, I felt like Lane, completely out of my element. “Sorry.”
She chuckled and shoved me. “It’s seriously not that big of a deal. I need to pay my bills, too. I don’t have rich parents to get me through life,” she said. She started walking toward the kitchen. She turned to look at me. “We got silverware to roll, and I’m not going to sit here all night to do it.”
I nodded and followed her into the kitchen. It was a pretty slow night at the bar. She showed me where all the side work. I never knew how it felt to not be the top dog of something. I was the youngest at the bar, and they had seemed to know each other for years.
“You’re very quiet,” she said, as we were finishing up the silverware.
I looked at the silverware and not her. “I’m so used to everyone knowing me. I don’t want to say I’m Mr. Popular, but people know who I am. I felt like I was the leader of the group, and now I’m stuck being at the bottom of the totem pole.”
“You do realize that was going to happen after you graduate. It happens every time you make a change in your life. You eventually grow out of a place, and you need to move on. I was prom queen of my high school back in Maryland. I packed my shit up and moved to Chicago not knowing anyone. It was a reality check.”
I looked at her. “How so?” I asked.
“Because, you realize there is something humbling about being the lonely person. You see who actually matters to you, and how much you matter to yourself,” she said.
“I wish I got the option of choosing that for myself instead of it being chosen for me,” I said. I didn’t know why I was telling all of this to Chloe. It felt great that I could just be Ben, instead of Ben Howard for everyone back in Rockford. I wasn’t the popular rich kid that everyone saw as an icon. I was just a waiter looking to find the answers.
“Life doesn’t care if you like the option or not. It will give it to you and tell you to stop being such a bitch,” she said, with a laugh.
I felt my phone go off. It was a text from Kate telling me that she had a new YouTube idea, and she wanted me in it. She needed my star power to get her more subs. I texted her back saying I would do it later this week.
“Being requested by your fellow worshippers?” Chloe asked.
I was the one that barked out a laugh. “Yeah, I guess you could
say that.”
“I’m going to check on my last table, then I can get you out of here,” she said. She walked toward the entrance of the kitchen.
“Chloe, thanks for the advice. It feels like that was the first time I had an honest conversation with anyone,” I said.
“That’s your problem right there. High school is full of bullshit conversations with masked humans. You’re going to find your people, but you need to accept that sometimes you have to be at the bottom of the barrel. Learn to be humble, small one.”
“I’m bigger than you,” I said.
“At least I can buy beer with a real Id,” she said, walking out of the kitchen.
I laughed, but what she said was right. I didn’t know if it was because of me or who I associated with. My friends and I went right back to the same lives even after Gabe did what he did. You would think that would make us open up, but I felt like it made us even more closed off. I worried that nothing would make us show our true selves, and if the last four years were even worth it.
Chapter Eighteen
Cass
“Do you want to talk about what happened at school?” I asked, as I was driving Lane home from school. I had to go to my locker after pom practice and saw Lane crying against the wall.
He looked out the window. He all of a sudden screamed for me to stop the car. I pulled it off to the side. I looked around. “Why did we stop here?” I asked.
He pointed. “She doesn’t deserve any of this.”
I looked and I realized we were at Gabe’s house. It was trashed with spray paint and garbage. No one had spoken to Gabe’s mother since the shooting. We didn’t know how to talk to her, since we were also trying to figure out how to process it even three weeks later.
I let out a sigh. “You think people would understand that we’re the victims, too.”
He turned to look at me. “Are we?” he asked. “We could have stopped all of this.”