by Zachary Ryan
I raised an eyebrow. “How so?” I asked.
“Spring Fling.” He didn’t even look at me for that.
I focused my gaze on the house again, because he was right. It was all caused by that stupid dance. We saw how much he was destroyed after that dance, and we didn’t do anything about it.
“He had his own demons and you know that. We couldn’t have stopped him just because people were so mean to him.”
I noticed that Lane had some sadness in his eyes. “You don’t understand how hard it is to be an outsider. Cass, you and Ben are part of the popular group. Shit, even Zachary is part of the spotlight. Gabe and I were just in the shadows learning to heal our own scars. We didn’t have comfort in having someone to help heal us.”
I reached over and squeezed his hand. I knew that he had no clue how lonely it was to have all these people surrounding you, but you had no one to go to. He had no idea how much it killed someone that the one person you wanted to help pick up the pieces, was standing there with a hammer breaking pieces of your heart.
“I’m sorry you’ve felt like you have had no one in your corner.” I didn’t know what else to say because that meant I needed to tell him the truth.
He turned to me. “I had someone, but they’re gone now.” He began to choke out a tear.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
He waved me off. “No, I’ve had enough sadness today.”
I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. I knew that it was a small gesture, but it was the only thing I could think of. I couldn’t be strong for someone when I couldn’t lift myself up.
“Okay.” I drove him home. He said thank you and got out of my car. I saw his mom was in the yard. She hugged him.
I gave her a wave before I drove away. I put on some stupid ballad and wiped the tears away because I wanted that for myself. I wanted parents that would kiss me and hug me when I got home.
I got home. It was the first time in weeks that there was silence coming from my house. I opened the door, and my father was sleeping on the couch. He had a couple of empty beers surrounding him.
I walked into my room. I closed the door and sat on the bed. I opened my phone to a photo of me and Jarele. I saw how much that stupid girl thought she was loved. She thought she found her Prince Charming, and she fought so hard to prove to everyone she did... even to Gabe.
I threw my phone against the wall because the anger took over. Lane was right, we all had a part of ourselves broken in the shadows. Some were better at hiding it because they were terrified someone would see the true damage in their soul.
Chapter Nineteen
Cass
I heard a knock on my door. I was finishing up homework with a Hallmark Christmas movie on. I knew it was April, but I loved the message behind them. No matter what happened, they came together. I prayed that Jarele and I had the same happy ending as these movies.
“Come in,” I said. I looked up to see my dad walk in. His grayish hair was all over the place, he had bags under his eyes, he was very thin, but he had a beer gut.
He gave me a soft smile. “Your mother won’t be home till Monday,” he said.
I was thrilled because that meant four days of complete silence from them. I wouldn’t have to worry about the evil inside of him coming out. I would actually have a couple of days where I actually lived a normal life.
He reached over and squeezed my hand. “How are you holding up?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes. I didn’t know why that made me so angry. “Dad, the shooting was almost four weeks ago. You’re finally coming around to ask me how I am.” I stood up. “Did you even notice when it happened, or were you too drunk to care?”
He nodded. “I didn’t know how to come talk to you. Your mother and I were at a loss for words,” he said.
“That’s a first for the both of you it seems.”
I saw some anger flash before his eyes, but it quickly went away. He stood up. “I know I can be a shit father, but I’m still your father. I want nothing more than to protect you from every evil in this world. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
I crossed my arms. “Every man in my life has proven they have the ability to hurt people,” I said.
“Is Jarele hurting you?” he asked.
I looked at him and I knew how much my dad loved Jarele. He thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I didn’t want to ruin that for him. When would I stop protecting these men that wouldn’t think twice about hurting me? “Dad, I was talking about Gabe.” I looked over at the present that was wrapped on my desk that would never be opened by him.
“He was sick in the head. He had a lot of issues, and I wished someone would have caught it before it happened,” he said.
I shrugged. I went and grabbed the birthday present. I opened the drawer and threw it in there. I knew I would be the only one celebrating. I thought maybe Zachary would come with me. I thought maybe she would want to shine a light on the part of him that we loved, not this horrid person everyone has painted him out to be.
We were quiet for a moment. “I better get back to some homework.”
“Do you want some help?” he asked.
I looked at him. “I’m no longer a little girl needing you to help me,” I said. I knew that it might have come out harshly, but I’ve been disappointed with the men I’ve loved for so long, that I just wanted some space from all of them.
He gave me a weak smile and walked out of the room. I went back to my homework, but I couldn’t even get focused on it. All I could think about was that no one would celebrate his birthday tomorrow. I thought back to earlier when Lane and I drove by Gabe’s house. His mother didn’t deserve any of this. She had been locked away in shame, and now she was going to mourn her son’s death, when usually that day was filled with celebration.
I felt my phone vibrate. I looked over, and it was a text from Jarele. He told me that he was standing outside. I walked over and looked out the window. He was standing there with a boombox. I chuckled for a moment. I opened the window. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m trying to woo you with romance.”
“From the 80’s? I asked.
“Are you saying you don’t like the 80’s?” he asked. “We might need to reconsider this relationship.”
I rolled my eyes. “You do realize that you were born in 2001. You don’t even get a say in my opinion on the 80’s.”
“But are you impressed?” I could see even in the nighttime light that stupid smug smile that I wanted to punch and kiss at the same time.
I closed the window. I walked out of my room. I saw my parent’s bedroom light was on. I knew my dad was probably heading to bed. I walked down the stairs and out the door. Jarele had gotten rid of the boombox in his hands.
I ran and jumped into his arms. He twirled me around, and I giggled for a moment. He stopped and leaned down to kiss me. This was the moment that I had been waiting for when it came to all the romantic movies in the world. They might have gone through all their struggles, but they came together in the end. I knew that Jarele and I had gotten through ours. He just needed time to grieve her. He needed to realize who was important in his life, and it was me.
“I told you it would work,” he said.
I pushed him away just lightly. “You’re an idiot,” I said.
We ended up taking a stroll down the street while looking at the stars. We enjoyed each other’s company. It might have been a quick twenty minutes, but it was enough for me to feel like my soul was relaxed.
I leaned forward and crushed our lips together. I wanted nothing more than for him to know how much I loved him. Maybe that's why he wandered away from me. He felt like I wasn’t giving him enough and went to Angela. “Thank you for this. I really needed it,” I said.
He nodded. “I know tomorrow is going to be hard for you and your friends, and I wanted you to have some calm before the madness that would ensue.”
“T
hank you,” I said. I kissed him once more before I went up to my room. I got ready for bed with nothing but the happiest of smiles. I crawled into bed. I closed my eyes and all I could think about was tonight. I felt myself drifting, but I saw a figure in the corner of my eye. I felt myself getting anxious. I turned the light on to see the figure.
I screamed when the light revealed who was standing over me. It was Gabe with bullet wounds all over his body. It seemed he had been crying. He was holding a birthday cake that said Happy Birthday Gabe, and the candles were light. He opened his mouth. “Happy birthday to me.”
Chapter Twenty
Zachary
“We didn’t need to come here,” Ben said, with annoyance in his voice.
I rolled my eyes. “He was our friend. Stop being such a baby and just respect that,” I said. I knew Ben had been very resistant about coming here today. Gabe might have done a terrible thing, but he was still our friend. It wasn’t like Ben lost his life or dreams that day.
Cass reached over and squeezed his hand. “You can have hatred for him and what he did, but Zachary is right. He was our friend, and the last three years have meant something to us with him.” Cass leaned down and laid her present on Gabe’s grave. Today would have been his 18th birthday. He would have gotten our presents before he decided he wanted to be a villain to the world.
I looked over at Lane. “You’re being quiet.”
He looked at me and smiled softly. “Aren’t I always the quiet one of the group.” He looked down at the envelope he had in his hand. “I’m so much better with written words. Two people truly saw that.” I saw there was pain on his face. “But Ben’s right. We shouldn’t be celebrating his life.” He put the envelope in his pocket. “I don’t know why I came here. It might be his birthday, but he doesn’t get a celebration or even a second out of us.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because he killed ten people. He caused us to be accomplices. People stare at us in the halls, and we don’t even get to defend ourselves. He took away our credibility,” Lane said. He wasn’t looking at me.
“He made us look like damn fools,” Ben said.
I rolled my eyes. “God forbid someone ruins the perfect image of Ben Howard.”
“Fuck off, Zachary.” Ben turned to Lane. “Do you want to get out of here?” he asked.
“I’ll drive you guys to school.” Cass turned to me. “Not all of us can be forgiving, and we have to accept their feelings.” Cass escorted them toward her car.
I guess it was easier this way. I wanted to be alone with Gabe. Maybe this was what I should have done, instead of bringing them along.
“You weren’t always evil. Shit, I never thought you would have done this. I truly believe that the world made you pull that trigger. Our society killed those people, and they’re blaming you.”
I wiped a tear away. I looked down at the program from our fall play. I had signed it for Gabe, because I thought back to a year ago at his house for his 17th birthday. God how a year seemed like a lifetime ago.
I knew it was stupid for me to hide away in Gabe’s room crying, but I assumed no one would come in here, since people were downstairs celebrating his birthday.
Ms. Rey has posted the cast listing for the spring musical, and I truly thought I was going to get it. I thought I would be Gabrielle. I knew it was a long shot since I was a junior, but I killed that performance. It made it worse that Marylyn was fucking Sharpay. The role suited her perfectly, but she was a lead, and I was stuck playing a chick that was a math nerd who liked to breakdance.
I heard the door opened, and it was Gabe walking in. He was taken aback by me being in there. “Zachary, what are you doing in here?” he asked.
I wiped a tear away. “Nothing, I was just getting some air.” I stood up. “I’m going to go back down there before someone starts to worry.”
He grabbed my hand when I tried to walk past him. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“It’s your birthday. I don’t want to depress you.”
He rolled his eyes. “My mom is making it feel like the whole school came to this party. She’s trying to ignore the fact that I’m a giant loser. There’s nothing you could do to make me feel less depressed.”
I laughed. Ben, Cass, and Lane had dragged some friends to come to Gabe’s birthday. No one wanted Gabe to feel less loved, but we could all tell that no one really wanted to be there.
“Ms. Clarkson posted the cast list, and I didn’t get anything. I’m stuck being chorus once again. You would think that I have done enough to shine, but it’s proven once again that I’m nothing more than mediocre.”
He grabbed my hand and towed me to the bed. “There’s nothing about you that’s mediocre. I’ve seen every audition you’ve had, and you’re incredible in everything you do. Why can’t you see how talented you are?” he asked.
I didn’t know why in that moment I felt I could tell Gabe everything. “Because I’m not like my siblings. I’m just a fraud trying to keep up, but I can’t. I’m not going off to Julliard like my brother, or breaking state records like my sister. I’m just a fool that thinks I have what it takes.”
He squeezed my hand. “I’ve always been envious of how you capture a stage. People look at you with such awe. People look at me with such disgust.” He looked away from me.
I grabbed his chin to make him look at me. “Because people here are trash and don’t realize how incredible you are. Gabe, never lose the good part of you. One day, a group of people will realize how special you are.”
We both smiled for a moment. I fanned myself with my eyes to stop the tears. “Let’s get back downstairs and try to make the best of this birthday.” I winked at him.
He laughed. “Thank you for seeing the good in me. I’ve never had someone believe in me or love me as much as you have.” He grabbed my hand and escorted me downstairs.
I came back to present day and I looked at his grave. “God damn, did I wish people saw the good in you and actually gave you a chance.” I placed down the signed fall program knowing that when I made it to Broadway, or whatever happened to me, my biggest supporter wouldn’t be there to cheer me on all the way. My applause and praises would never feel fully complete, because Gabe wouldn’t be one of them.
Chapter Twenty-One
Zachary
I knew the cast listing went up, but there was no point in looking at it. I would never get the role that I wanted, and it was because of those stupid vocal nodules. It killed me having to lie to my mother this morning that I felt perfectly fine. I hated having to tell her that I’ll probably get the role, and she would finally have a star on her hands.
“Are you nervous?” Marylyn asked, walking up to me. “You do know that you completely choked during your audition,” she said.
I could tell by the smugness in her voice that she had always seen the cast listing. She was probably playing Millie, and she would have the spotlight all to herself. She would be worshipped by the whole theatre department.
Tristen came walking up behind her. “Don’t be rude,” he said.
I smiled weakly. It was nice to see him defending me, but it didn’t mean I would tell them the truth. None of them would never know my struggle, because once again, I didn’t get the right to be upset.
I smiled at them. “Have fun with your little musical. I have my sights on bigger projects that don’t involve our stupid high school,” I said. I brushed past both of them.
“Maybe if you brought this much delusion into your audition, you would have been cast as something, Zachary,” she said.
I turned to look at her. I stormed up to her. “You’re always going to be a bitch, and no one will love you once you walk off the stage. You’re nothing more than a B-list actress that will do nothing more than tv movies,” I said.
“At least I’ll be an actress, while you fade into the shadows. Zachary, you will never get a round of applause from anyone. You’ll never deserve roses being thrown at you for your movi
ng performance. You’ll never receive glowing reviews for your talent. You’re just going to be some bitch that thought she could act, but turns out, she can’t handle the pressure.”
I swallowed every word that she said. I just brushed her off. “I’ll make sure when I win my first Tony, to dedicate it to you, so you can have even for a second a glimpse what it’s like to win one.” I turned and didn’t give her a chance to say something else. I knew that if I did, then I would crumble in front of her.
I continued to walk away before someone grabbed my arm. I turned to see it was Tristen. “Do you want to explain to me what’s going on with you?” he asked. I could see the worry on his face, but I couldn’t give him the truth.
“I just don’t care to be in this musical. I truly thought I did, but I’m focused on college now. It’s time we got ready for that, instead of worrying so much about such bullshit that won’t matter down the line,” I said.
He was taken aback. “What happened to you? This isn’t the Zachary that I know.”
I nodded. “Maybe because you didn’t really know me. It’s time you realized that I’m bigger than these halls,” I said.
I turned and walked. I continued to walk away from him. I walked, and I felt myself stop right in front of the casting list. I wanted nothing more than to look, but I knew that I would be filled with disappointment.
“You’re not going to look at it?” Ms. Rey asked, when she came out of her office.
I turned to look at her. “No, and I don’t care. Have fun with your little musical,” I said, and walked away. I walked towards the auditorium because it was truly the only place, I felt safe.
No one was in there and I embraced the silence in that minute. I climbed on stage, and I walked over to be center stage. I closed my eyes, and I just imagined the applause that I would never receive. I felt myself begin to breakdown from Marylyn’s words, Tristen’s worry, and Ms. Rey’s disappointment.
I let out a scream that was filled with anguish, frustration, feeling trapped, loneliness, and most of all, disappointment. I fell to the ground and I knew that these emotions would only be allowed for empty theatre seats. These emotions weren’t allowed to have their chance in front of an audience. In my heart, I knew a standing ovation would never be meant for me.