by Zachary Ryan
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ben
“You look like you want to fall into a deep hole and forget all about this,” I said, looking over at Lane. I could see that he looked uncomfortable, and I wanted him to be enjoying himself.
He turned to look at me. “You know how much I hate social surroundings.”
“But you’re part of the poetry club,” I said.
“And all we do is sit in silence and write,” he said. He ran his fingers through his hair. “I get that you’re trying to make me more social. You don’t want me to turn out like Gabe, but it’s not going to happen. I could never be a monster like him.”
I knew that was the only thing we could agree on. I always liked Lane, but I felt like I had a disconnect with him and Gabe. I knew that he had always been the socially awkward person, and I’ve tried the last three years to get him to be more social with my friends. I hated having to admit that I kept my friendship with Lane low key, because I knew my friends didn’t care for him.
“But we’re here to support Cass,” I said, nudging Lane. I knew he always had some kind of attraction to Cass, and I thought they would be awkward, but cute together. I wanted to lighten the mood because I didn’t want to talk about Gabe anymore. I wanted to be a high schooler again. I wanted to focus on games, prom, and graduation.
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t have a crush on Cass,” he said.
You were all about her sophomore year,” I said, with a laugh.
I saw his face light u, and it was the first time in a while that I saw that look on Lane’s face. “I told you that I thought she was cute at homecoming that year. It was fast and fleeting.”
“Well, you should tell her before we go off to college.”
“It won’t matter anyways.”
“Because of Jarele?” I asked.
He looked forward. I saw his wall go back up, and I wished it didn’t. “It’s not that, and I want to drop it.”
He got his wish because Chet walked up. “What a cute couple we have here,” he said, walking up to us.
I looked at Lane, and I could tell that he instantly wanted to run. I knew how much Chet tormented Gabe and Lane throughout the years. I tried to get Chet to stop being such an ass to them, but this was high school politics. He was popular on social media and outside. Too bad no one on the internet knew how much of a self-vain douchebag he was, because his brother was very good at editing him into being a relatable human.
I stood up. “Chet, stop being such an ass.”
Chet was with his goons Brick and Tyler. They weren’t anything special, nor worth describing. “I didn’t know you two were so serious,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “God, you’re such a cliché high school douchebag.”
He shrugged. “But I’m the fun and friendly guy on social media. It’s called acting.” His videos every week included pranks, talking about his relationship with Kate, or doing some kind of trend that was happening across the internet.
The pom squad started doing their cheer. He turned back to us. “I’m going to go cheer on my girlfriend. I know you two have no clue what that’s like,” he said, before he walked away.
“I don’t know why you’re friends with him,” Lane said.
I turned to look at him. “I’m friends with him because before he blew up on YouTube he was actually a good person,” I said. I knew that he had to be a bigger ego for his fans, and he didn’t want people to realize that he had also a lot of insecurity. High school was a beacon for insecurity, but some were better at hiding it than others.
I noticed that Lane was on his phone. “Whatever. I need to use the bathroom.” He dropped his phone and stormed off.
“Lane,” I said, and stood up. I didn’t want him to feel bad about himself, but I didn’t know what else to say or do. My friends had always been cruel to him. I just figured it would toughen him up. He needed to realize that he couldn’t be weak or sheltered when he got into the real world. I just wished Lane understood that.
I looked down to see Lane’s phone. I didn’t mean to peak, but I noticed his background on his phone. It was a photo of him and a guy named Colby. I knew Colby was part of the poetry club. I barely knew the kid, but I knew he was one of the ten that was killed in the shooting. I didn’t think him and Lane were that close of friends.
I picked it up and I went through his photos. I stopped on a photo, and it felt like the world had stopped. It was a photo of Colby and Lane kissing. I knew now why he wasn’t interested in Cass anymore. I shouldn’t have been surprised about Lane being gay, but it killed me that he was in a relationship with someone and never told us. It destroyed me even more knowing that his boyfriend had died in the shooting, and he didn’t have anyone to console him. I locked Lane’s phone, and I was left in my thoughts when he came back. I looked at Lane, and it made me wonder what else he, and everyone else in our group had behind their closed door.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cass
I felt exhausted after the baseball game, but it was Friday night and Jarele wanted to go out. I tried to talk to Lane and Ben after the game, but Lane didn’t seem like having a conversation with anyone. I assumed it had something to do with Chet being an ass. Ben looked like he had seen a ghost, and he wasn’t very social either.
“What was up with Ben after the baseball game?” Kate asked, as we drove with Chet and her to Wheeler’s house party.
I shrugged. “He said he had something important with his parents, and he wasn’t going to make it tonight.”
“I bet him and Lane had a lover’s quarrel,” Chet said, from the front seat.
I turned to Max and Kate. Max was in between us as Jarele was driving. “Is your brother always an asshole,” I said loud enough.
Max shrugged. “I try to ignore him as much as I possibly can. He turns into giant noise,” he said, while he was reading a book on coding. I was always curious about their dynamic. Max was always reserved like Lane was. I didn’t get why Chet always tortured Lane and even Gabe when Max was so much like them.
Kate leaned over. “He’s a big softy when you get past his hard shell.”
“That’s not the only thing that’s hard,” Chet said. Everyone groaned. He turned to look at us. “I’m sorry that I’m trying to lighten the mood. I’m okay if everyone calls me an asshole or a dick. I want people to forget for one second what that sick fuck did to the school. You think it’s easy walking into those halls after everything your friend did,” he said.
“Enough!” Jarele said, from the front seat. I knew Jarele was protecting me, and I was grateful for it. I knew that I would continue to get the brunt of Gabe’s actions. I looked into the rearview mirror and mouthed a thank you to him. He nodded.
Chet turned around and looked at the road. “I don’t care if you were friends with him or try to tell me he was a good guy, but what he did was completely uncalled for.”
I don’t know why I felt the rage I did inside of me. I knew what Gabe did was wrong, but I wanted to defend him in that moment. “Gabe was bullied nonstop at our school. People beat him up, degraded him, and thought he was scum. You were one of them, Chet. I will not defend what he did, but I can understand why he did it. He felt like he was backed into the corner, and he did what he thought needed to be done,” I said.
Kate turned to me. “We lost our own that day, Cass.” I knew she was talking about Angela. I looked into the rearview mirror, and Jarele wasn’t looking at me now. I knew because he didn’t want to be face-to-face with me.
“And he was one of my own,” I said. “Kate, I get that Angela was your best friend, but he was one of my close friends. I watched him get bullied for years, and he had no one he could turn to or protect him.”
“Neither did Angela the day he pulled the trigger to end her life. You’re so lucky that you're dating Jarele, because I would want nothing to do with you,” Kate said.
We spent the rest of the ride in silence, and I was lost in my thoughts. I knew
how much the shooting affected everyone. Kate and Chet did a video on their channel talking about what they experience during the shooting. I remember the feelings I went through trapped in that room with Jarele praying we didn’t lose our lives. I just know that Gabe felt a small fraction of that when he walked the halls every day wondering if he would have a good day or be someone’s punching bag.
We got to the party. Chet, Kate, and Max got out of the car. Jarele and I sat there in silence for a moment. “I don’t understand why you still decide to defend him after everything he did to that school. People are still terrified to walk the halls. I still have nightmares because of it. No one will ever get over what he did.”
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. “We know the real reason you’re not over the fucking shooting. You lost your damn girlfriend in the process.” I went to get out, but he locked the door.
“I thought we moved past that.” He turned around to look at me. “I thought we were in a good fucking spot because of it.” He slammed his hand on the middle counsel. I knew Jarele would never be violent toward me, but that didn’t mean he never got angry.
I leaned forward and looked at him. “I get that Chet, Kate, and everyone else lost a part of their humanity that day, but I lost the trust in the one person that I thought would never hurt me. I showed you every fucking aspect of my life, and you did what you did.”
“Maybe because I wasn’t ready to be that serious with you. We are in high school after all. We should be able to be kids for just a little while longer.”
“Jarele, you know damn well we all stopped having the option to be kids when bullets were spilt and lives were lost almost a month ago. We stopped being kids when our grown ass adults decided to destroy our innocence. You might not want to talk about your life, but you’ve seen mine. We are two of the only people before that shooting that never were able to be just kids, so keep your bullshit excuse for cheating on me to yourself,” I said. I unlocked the door manually to the car and walked toward the house to put on a happy face like everything was right in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lane
I just wanted to forget about hanging out with Ben and dealing with Chet. I wanted nothing more than things to go back to normal, but I knew there was no such thing as normal for me.
I looked over at the stupid present I had gotten Gabe for is birthday. I leaned over and ripped opened the envelope. I folded the piece of paper. It was the short story we had worked on a couple of months ago. We wanted to have a short story that we worked on together before college. He was planning to head west, and I was supposed to go off to New York with Colby.
I didn’t know why it made me think of the time we worked on this together. I wanted to hate him. I wished I could look at Gabe as everyone else in the world, but then I thought about these types of memories.
“I just don’t see that being a plausible storyline,” Gabe said, as he took a bite out of his pizza.
We were on my bed trying to brainstorm an idea together. “Maybe it could work. Why not? I just think that it would be a good idea for a story.”
“The popular guy turns out to be gay and ends up with the nerdy guy?” he asked. “You’ve been reading way too much of that fan fiction,” he said, with a smile on his face.
I groaned and rolled his eyes. “We could make it a girl if you would like,” I said. He didn’t know that I was writing this about Colby and me. I tried not to get jealous about Jefferson being all over Colby today at poetry club. Colby told me that I didn’t have anything to worry about, but I just hated how scared I was to be in love with him.
“I have no problem with it being a gay story. I think there should be more gay stories out there,” he said.
“Really?” I asked.
He was looking through a book of short stories that he loved. He liked to use that as a guide on what to do next for his next stories. He looked at me. “Did you think I was homophobic?”
I shook my head. “Gabe, I never know what you’re thinking.”
He chuckled. “I think that’s the truth. I’m best at keeping what goes on in my mind to myself. I know Cass wants us to always expose our truths, but there’s too much darkness in my heart for it to be exposed to the world,” he said.
I looked at him, and I saw the bruise. Chet gave him today. I knew that was why he was staying at my house tonight. He didn’t want his mother to worry for him. He had lost his father when he was younger, and he was all she had.
I reached out and tried to squeeze his hand. “I’m here for you,” I said.
He laughed. “Like you have the ability to protect me from those monsters,” he said, and recoiled his hand.
I knew that I had never been a hero to him, but a weak man. I sighed, and I just wanted to get back to the short story. It was all that I had control in. “Why don’t we just make them awkward nerds. They don’t need to take over the school, but they could have their brief moment of happiness together,” I said.
I felt my phone vibrate. I looked down to see it was a text from Colby. I opened the text. It was a little cartoon he drew around the poem I had written for him about us. I read the poem over once again.
All you had to do was flash that stupid smile of yours.
All you had to do was say hey to me, and I became yours.
You took the wound that defined me, and made me be known
As someone more than just a victim.
You pushed past all my ugly walls
You made me believe that I belonged in this world.
Kissed me and told me that I was worth more
Than all the shooting stars in the sky
I lost myself and thought it was all over
But every day you give me a reason to smile
I kept my smile suppressed because I didn’t want Gabe asking questions. “Why do you have to always be so damn cute?” I asked.
He replied quickly. “Because I’m in love. There’s no other way to be when I know that I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I stopped at that moment. “Do you mean that?” I asked.
“Yes, I thought it was obvious,” he replied.
I could feel the tears wanting to make themselves known. I quickly sent the emoji with their cheeks blushed to him. I locked my phone and went back to focus on Gabe. We spent the rest of the night working on the short story together, while I couldn’t stop thinking about what Colby had said to me. Gabe might have said there wasn’t anyone that could take him out of the darkness, but I was grateful that I finally found someone that could do that for me.
I came back to the present once the memory had drifted away. I looked at the short story we had done together. I began to rip it up in pieces because no one deserved to see Gabe in a positive light. He took the one person that could get me out of this damn headspace. He took away my forever, and he deserved to forever be known as that creature your parents warn you to keep away from. I just never knew that creature would one be known as my best friend.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lane
“You didn’t need to come with me to this,” I said, turning to Cass. I knew that my friends didn’t really get my poetry or short stories. They supported me, but they were more focused on their own lives. It was still sweet when they read something that I wrote.
Cass shrugged. “I feel like we haven’t had our own time in a little bit. I used to come to these things all the time with you.”
I didn’t look at Cass. I was focused on the front of the room. “Before you started dating Jarele.” The school had weekly poetry slams. They tried to get local poets, writers, and anyone else that wanted to share their work with us. I had to admit that this was something Jefferson was good at doing.
“Why is Jefferson Delgado glaring at you?” Cass asked.
I looked up at the stage. I rolled my eyes. Jefferson needed to honestly move on from his anger. I was the one that was dating him before his death, and I had to brew in silence.
“He hates me because of Colby Nava’s death.”
“Were you and Colby close?” Cass asked.
“We were becoming friends, and I’m sure Jefferson wasn’t a fan of that.” I could have told Cass the whole truth. I knew she wouldn’t have cared, but I just wanted to hear some poetry. I didn’t want to get into my sexuality, because then I would have to talk about my connection to the shooting.
I looked over and saw Gabe sitting there with an evil grin. He pointed down at my arm, and I knew what he was talking about. I tugged on the sweater sleeve just to make sure that Cass wouldn’t see the scar.
“Are you cold?” she asked.
I turned to look at her. “A little,” I said. It had been my lie to always wear long sleeves, sweaters, and plaid shirts.
“You’ve always been cold blooded. I don’t know how you don’t pass out from heat stroke.”
I coughed out a laugh. “I know.” Thankfully, the show started and I didn’t have to lie to her anymore. We enjoyed short stories from local authors and poetry from college students. It was overall an enjoyable experience.
We stood up to leave when Dee walked over to us. I noticed that she came with Edgar, also. “Lane, I’m so happy that you came.” She pulled me into a giant hug.
“Thank you for having me.” It felt good to see a friendly face. “Are you here with Edgar Herrera?” I asked.
She turned and smiled. “No, he didn’t have anyone else to come with, so I brought him along.” She turned to let him be introduced to us. “Edgar, I think you’ve met Lane from the poetry club and this is his friend, Cass.”