by Zachary Ryan
Edgar was a junior and he reminded me a lot of myself. He was shy and quiet. He only spoke when he felt like he had something worth talking about. He had dark black hair, medium height, a couple of zits hiding behind his attempt at a beard, and some beautiful hazel eyes. He always wore skater attire, and he had pierce ears.
“Nice to see you again,” he said, with a smile.
Cass walked up and hugged Dee then Edgar. Cass was always a hugger, and I forget to warn people before she does it. “Sorry, it’s nice to meet Lane’s friends. He never lets us know anyone,” Cass said.
Dee glanced over at me. I knew she was curious if Cass knew about Colby. I shook my head because I didn’t want her to slip the truth. “We’ve always been curious about him and his social life. I knew Colby was trying to get him to open up to us,” Dee said.
Cass turned to me and looked at me with a quizzical face. “Is that so?” She turned to look at her. “Well, I’m glad someone did.”
I felt the walls closing in and I just need to get some air. I knew my anxiety was starting to take hold of me. “I’m going to go use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” I tried to play it cool.
I stepped outside. It was the end of March, and there was a mixture of winter chill with spring air. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself. I heard the door open, and I saw Dee walking out.
“Anxiety attack?” she asked.
Colby and she knew about them all the time, and they vowed to make sure I wasn’t alone when I got them. The one person that was always a call away wasn’t around anymore. How do I move forward without that support system?
“It’s stupid that I hide these from Cass, Zachary, and Ben. They’re my friends, but I feel like they don’t even know me.”
“Especially, since you lost Colby in the shooting. Did you honestly not tell them?” she asked.
“Cuz then I’d have to come out to them, and what if they don’t accept me like my parents. What if I have to try to end my life for them to love me,” I said, trying to keep back the tears. This was why I didn’t tell them, nor would I.
She pulled me into a hug. “They would love you like Colby loved you. Lane, you need to open up to everyone. You have to stop thinking you are a burden.”
I just collapsed in her hug. “I miss him so damn much. I wish he was here to fix all of this.”
She rubbed my back. “I know, babe. This is why you rely on your friends. Stop keeping everything in. That was your problem the first time when you were afraid to be open. You self-exploded.”
I nodded. “I know.” If Colby was here, then I would have found the courage to come out. Now, I didn’t know if I ever could find it.
I said my thank you to Dee and walked back inside to find Cass. I saw her talking to Edgar. I saw the smile and blushes on their faces. I leaned against the wall because I wanted nothing more than to have a silly conversation with Colby again, where he made me blush from ear-to-ear, making me feel like a stupid boy in love with an even more stupid guy.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Lane
I slammed the front door of my house shut. I didn’t know why it made me so angry to see Cass enjoying her time with Edgar. She already had Jarele in her life, and she was being greedy by trying to get another. I wanted that for myself.
My mom and dad came out of the kitchen to see what the noise was. I could see the worry on their faces. I knew that I didn’t look my best. I thought these anxiety attacks were gone. I thought I had finally become a normal person. I didn’t realize the medication controlled that much.
My dad tried to take a step forward. I put a finger up. “I don’t want you guys to touch me right now. I just need a minute.”
“What happened?” my mom asked.
I looked at her and started to laugh. “Cass asked about Colby, and I needed to step outside. I continued to lie to her. I wasn’t strong enough to tell her the truth. Then I came back inside, and I saw her standing there having a simple conversation with a guy in the grade below us,” I said. I knew it all seemed so damn stupid. This monster under my bed crept out for the night. It wanted to remind me once again that I’m a freak behind closed doors.
They looked at each other. “Do you want to talk about it?” my dad asked. “We could see if Dr. Clarkson could meet with you alone. Maybe she could give you some advice.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Why would that help? I’m in so much fucking pain, and I can’t talk about it. I want nothing more than to be able to tell my friends about my suicide and being gay. I want nothing more than to tell them that I lost the person that I valued the most in the world.”
“Why don’t you?” my mom asked.
“Because that would mean I would have to come out, mom.” I turned to my dad. “I would have to ruin the perfect reputation you want in the world. Just because you support me now behind closed doors doesn’t mean that I believe you will when it’s outside these walls.”
“You don’t know that,” my dad said.
“April 19th, 2018. You left a comment on Aunt Denise’s Facebook page. ‘I have no problem with gay people. If they want to burn in hell then they can. I’m so grateful my son isn’t gay because that means I failed as a parent, and I raised a disgrace of a human being.’” It was a comment that I read over and over again. I couldn’t stop myself from letting it get to me. It was the trigger that caused me to grab the blade and go a bit too hard on my wrist. It was the catalyst that caused them to find me in the bathtub covered in my own blood.
“We didn’t.” I could see my mother getting choked up. I could tell that she tried her hardest to keep it together.
“That’s what will forever make me terrified about coming out to the world.”
“You continue to like and share posts against my existence,” my mother said. I knew that they both were raised extremely catholic, but why couldn’t they see that their religion hates people because they want to love and be in love? When would they realize that all the people around them are hateful and ignorant? I wanted nothing more than my parents to really understand that I’m not an abomination, but something truly magical. Why couldn’t Colby still be here to continue to show my parents how much the love I wanted was just like theirs.
“We’re working on it. We delete those comments or posts after we realize how much damage it causes you. It’s a knee jerk reaction. We were raised in a different way than how we’re trying to be,” my dad said.
“I know, and I wish you tried hard sometimes,” I said. I walked up the stairs. “It takes away a child’s innocence when you realize that your parents could be villains, too.” I walked into my room and closed the door.
I walked over to the bed, and just sat there. I looked at my nightstand, but I didn’t open it. I knew that my anxiety was hoping that I would take that razor blade and take the power back, but it would be a fleeting moment. I didn’t think I ever would have control of my life. I was a prisoner looking at the sunshine into my cage, hoping I would get Stockholm syndrome and believe that my captors truly cared about my wellbeing.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ben
I had been looking at a pair of jeans. Zachary wanted to get out of school and go shopping for the day. She didn’t explain why she wanted to skip school. I assumed it had something to do with the play. It got all over the school that she didn’t make the cast, and that she had been a bitch about it. She didn’t tell any of us what was going on, but I wasn’t going to pry.
I looked at the price tag on the jeans for the first time. It was an odd thing. I had made decent money at the restaurant, but I knew it wasn’t enough for me to go splurge on clothes. I opened my wallet and I still had my mom’s credit card.
I hadn’t heard from her since she kicked us out of her home. I didn’t get why she had decided to leave me in the dust. I thought maybe she forgot about this card. We came from a wealthy family, and she wouldn’t notice if I used it.
Zachary came up to me. “Those jeans are cut
e,” she said.
I noticed that she had a couple of dresses in her hand. “Someone needs some retail therapy today,” I said.
She rolled her eyes. “I just wanted to have some nice things. Now that I’m not in the play, I need something else to be inspired by. I thought maybe I would give being a fashion icon a try,” she said.
I looked at her with a crucial eye. “And you think the great Zachary Vincent would settle on being a fashion star. Please, you love the stage more than anyone I know. What happened?”
“Like I’m going to get into my feelings with Ben Howard,” she said. She turned to walk away.
“What does that mean?” I asked. Was I not someone that someone could go to when they’re in their feelings?
She turned around. “You aren’t someone that a person could feel safe with. Ben, you want everything around you to be perfect.”
“That’s not true?”
“Really?” She stood there glaring at me. “You know damn well that Gabe was an ugly spot on your reputation. It’s also why you’re trying to get Lane to be better. You don’t want to be associated with losers.”
I felt a little angry because of it. “And you’re too afraid to disappoint people. We know how much you want to come across as the best.”
She laughed. “And who do you think egged me on to keep doing that? I know damn well I have a desire to stand out, but that’s because of my family. You have spent the last three years making sure we were perfect for you,” she said.
“Sorry that I want us all to be the best versions of ourselves,” I said. I didn’t think it was a crime that I wanted the world to see us as the best.
“It’s all bullshit. Look at Kate and Chet’s videos,” she said. I didn’t want to admit that she told the truth. We all knew that Kate and Chet did nothing real in any of those videos. The moment they turned the cameras off they turned into two completely different people. The only real thing about the videos, was how much they loved themselves and each other. It was why I was taken aback when they talked about their experience with the shooting.
“Like you’re one to talk.”
Zachary shrugged. “I know damn well that I don’t get to judge. It’s why I kidnapped you for this shopping trip. I just want to get back to something bullshit in my life. I want to be able to turn my brain off and shop for even a few hours.”
“What’s going on?” I asked. “The shooting? Gabe?” I knew none of us had any idea how to process any of it. We were just lost children trying to find a warm hug to tell us it was all going to be better.
She laughed and shook her head. “There’s more to my life then that fucking shooting.” I could tell she was struggling. “It’s whatever. Let’s go. I need to get these dresses home before my parents realize that I went a little crazy.”
We went to the register and started checking out. I felt a wave of nervousness when I handed the man my mother’s credit card. I could see that stupid word spread across the screen. I didn’t know why it affected me the way it did. It made me realize that I had been pushed out of the life that I’ve grown to love. It should bother me that I wasn’t good enough anymore, and that I was no longer the great Ben Howard everyone was inspired by. I was just another commoner pleading for some kind of glory.
“Sir, your card isn’t working,” he said.
“I guess my mom cut me off this week,” I said. I turned to Zachary. “I might have spent a couple grand on a night out with Chet for his videos.” I knew it was a lie. I had gone out with Chet, but he paid for everything.
She rolled her eyes. “You boys and your poker nights.” She handed the guy her credit card. “I’ll pay for it, but it was an outfit for opening night of the play,” she said, with a wink.
“You haven’t told your parents you're not in it?” I asked.
She laughed. “And you’re not going to tell me the real reason your card was declined.” She put her card back in her purse. “Remember, we all got a wakeup call when Gabe shot up the school. None of us know each other, and we love keeping it that way.” She walked away before I could respond.
I was standing there as the man gave me my bag with the new jeans. I looked down at the fucking bag that was handed to me. I knew it was from a place of pity, and that infuriated me even more. My father made me weak, my mother took away my power, and I was left trying to figure out how to stay glorious to my friends even though my kingdom was crumbling.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ben
I walked into my house and slammed the door. I stormed into the living room to my dad cooking us dinner. I saw the softness on his face. He didn’t get to have a calming face after I was humiliated being out with Zachary. I could have been exposed right then.
“I need you to fix things with mom. I need you to make all of this go away. I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis, but this isn’t fair to me anymore.” It was bullshit that I was suffering from their own drama.
My dad placed the plate of pasta on the kitchen table. “Because your credit card got declined or the fact that you have to make your own money,” he said. He walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the rolls.
“How did you know about my credit card?” I asked.
“Your mother called and informed me about you trying to use it.” He looked at me. “This is why I made you get a job.”
I was taken aback. He had talked to mom, but he acted like that wasn’t a huge moment. I assumed the last time they talked, was her kicking us out of her home or to check in on me after the shooting. I didn’t get why he wasn’t heartbroken.
“Why are you being so calm? This isn’t our life, dad. We were meant to be at home with mom.”
“Where did we have someone cook us dinner every night? Where your mother was too busy on her phone planning her next trip, or I was avoiding being a father to you all together?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
He glared at me. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your mother and I weren’t parents to you.”
“Dad, you were a great dad.”
He slammed a hand on the table. “Really?” He looked at me. “If I remember, you skipped school all the damn time to go get drunk. We could even mention last fall, Ben.”
“That was different, dad. Chet and I were trying to let out some steam. It was harmless.” My mom had put so much pressure to get my act together. I had to be perfect, so I could get into Princeton like the rest of my family. I needed to keep the Howard name going strong. My father took my mother’s last name.
“You got drunk and ran into a fucking pole.” He went over to the kitchen. He rested his hands over the sink. “‘Maybe it was my own fault. I was too busy trying to start up a career to be good enough for the Howard name.”
I walked into the kitchen. I walked over and placed a hand on my dad’s back. “You were good enough to be there. We just made our own mistakes.”
He turned around and looked at me. “It’s why I got you out of there. I made damn sure we could find happiness outside of that damn cage.”
“But mom kicked us out.”
He nodded. “Your mother is still a good woman. She was doing what she thought was best. I don’t want you to hate her.” He walked past me.
“Then you need to fix it. I need that life back,” I said.
He sat down and made himself a plate. “So, you can continue being the great Ben Howard?” he asked.
“Dad, I need to show that I’m still a strong leader.”
He leaned back and crossed his arms. “Who do you need to prove that too?” he asked.
I looked at him with such anger. He didn’t get to judge me when he just admitted that he was trying to prove himself to my mother’s family. “Coming from the man that always felt less than.”
“Exactly. The male damn ego. I knew how your grandfather looked at me. I wasn’t good enough for him, but I did something about it.”
I laughed. “Dad, we got kicked out. This wasn’t
our control, and I still don’t understand why.”
“When you get older, you’ll understand.” It pissed me off that he would say that to me. I’ve been through enough to make me understand adult dilemmas.
“Like you know how I feel. I’ve spent the last fucking month in a weird parallel universe. I’ve lost the home I grew up in and a kid I’ve known the last three years shot up the school. I’m supposed to have some constant, and I thought it was being a leader.”
He didn’t say anything at first. I assumed he was trying to get his words together. “Being a leader can be completely unfulfilling. What makes you happy, Ben?” he asked. “What is your passion?”
“Politics,” I said. It was what I had always been told to say.
He chuckled. “Not what your mother wants you to be when you grow up.” He stood up. “What did you love doing when you were little?”
I had to think for a moment. It was hard to think back before politicians and being brainwashed into what I thought I wanted to be. “A firefighter,” I said.
“Exactly. We would always drive to a fire station just so you could see one light up. It’s what you wanted to be growing up.”
“What changed?” I asked. I now thought about how we stopped going in fire truck chases. I remembered all of a sudden, all my fireman toys and costumes just disappearing.
“Your mother took control of you. She saw too much of me in you. We couldn’t have you being anything other than a Howard.”
He walked over to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “I haven’t seen that smile come back to you, and I pray it does. You might think mom kicked us out, but I chose this life for us. I vowed once that smile left that little boy that I would fight to get it back,” he said.
He walked out of the room leaving me alone with my thoughts. I turned around to look at myself in the mirror. I saw the damage that had been done on my soul over the past couple of years. I didn’t really see myself in the reflection, and it was because this wasn’t me. I didn’t know who I was, and a part of me didn’t want to know that person. I was terrified that I wouldn’t like them, or better yet, they would end up disappointing me.